I told my T that I feel "directionless"....

At my last session, which was our first session in 3 weeks, I explained to T that I am feeling agitated still....mostly anger mixed with sadness...constant conflict...don't know whether I want to scream or cry.

I then said that I felt stuck, directionless, and I don't know what I want to do. He was a bit confused, because it seemed to him that I was trying to decide between some choices. Yet, these choices had no definition.

I said, "I feel like I'm in a pile of quicksand and either want to sink and get it over with....Every time I turn around, there's trees around with branches that are too far to reach...and paths leading to places I don't know.".....

He asked me, "So, even if you could get to a path, you're not sure you would go down it?"....

I said, "Whatever path that could be"....

Can anyone relate to this?

Hi Mixed!

I think I have felt like what you described before. For me it was usually frustration with myself or with something important to me to the point of where I was very overwhelmed . It usually was a sign that something big was going to come out of that feeling afterwards, some sort of revelation. Does that sound close?

I hope you feel better soon.

I certainly am filled with anger and frustration - and am overwhelmed. I am not sure if it's a sign that something big is going to come out of this feeling....I guess I'll find out eventually!

Every time I try to think beyond that scenario, I freeze. I don't let my thoughts and feelings go further...I end up frozen with fear, resistance. Something is holding me back...and then just feeling so overwhelmed that I can't seem to get a handle on what my options are and where I want to go.

T wants me to put some definitions to the paths. When I started to think about this, I envisioned a path with a tornado in it...representing my ex-husband....another path with a dragon or demon in it...another path reflecting on the CSA when I was 5......etc....etc...etc...

Where is the bright path? Why are they all dark, gloomy, scary? It's my own imagination, so why am I having trouble creating paths that take me to some goals that I could create for myself. I feel like I have no real place in this world. I don't matter. UGH.

I have been at a place like this and what helped me was to be still. To not pressure myself to make a choice or take action. To just allow some time to pass and a direction to emerge, without thinking about it too much. See if you can go slowly in therapy, take your time, do some supportive work, and not be too focused on your next step and your next goal. It sounds very intense right now, and sometimes slower ends up being faster. The "frozen" part reminds me of trauma symptoms. I did find that moving forward in present day life was helped a lot by doing trauma work on childhood events. Not sure if that relates to you, but there it is.

Thank you for your insight....I am hoping that my T was able to figure out something about the image that I described to him. Although, he feels that I need to put some descriptions to the paths...and that, to me, is pressure, to figure things out.

I am not ready to deal with trauma at the moment, not around the holidays. It's traumatic enough that my dad - my santa - died 2-1/2 years ago (he truly LIVED for Christmas)...and that this is the first Christmas as a single mom. It's sad, lonely and overwhelming. I just want to be numb.

Only you know what you need, not your T. Your putting descriptions on paths may fulfill his need to know better what is going on with you now, but it doesn't necessarily help you in the here and now with being overwhelmed. If you are feeling pressured by his trying to determine your direction, can you discuss that? Maybe you will need to be more assertive to get him to slow down. Some Ts tend to be very gung ho and just need a reminder that it is the client who determines the pace. Especially if trauma is involved, going too fast can be counterproductive. I think talking about some of these topics ("When you tell me to figure things out, I feel pressured by you") can help to slow things down. You could spend some sessions on process and communication.

Hang in there. Holidays are hard.