[zooropa]

I put the trigger warning on, just in case

My session today was so hard. Just continuing with the trauma work. I had a ton of anxiety going in, I have been up since 2 this morning just worrying about this session, what was going to come out, whether I would be able to talk or if the words would get stuck in my throat again, all of that.

Despite all of that, I feel like in some ways I was able to make a breakthrough today. I had to really really FIGHT to stay in the room at times, and I was shaking so hard I felt like I was going to start levitating off the couch, but I did it. I stayed present, and I spoke.

T asked me to tell her a part, any part, of any of the flashbacks I've been having. And I was able to do that, to tell her how I felt so terrified & alone & afraid I would die. And then I went a little deeper, told her that I wished, in that moment, that I HAD died. That I was so scared he would come back, or someone else would come & hurt me, and I didn't know what to do, and I was so hurt & cold & scared & I just wanted to die.

Then we talked about the body memories, which was also very, very difficult, but I did it. And then T said, ok, that's enough tough stuff for today, and I said I just want to tell you...and I told her some details of the attack, some specific things that I can't even type here because I don't want to trigger anyone. Just things I have never told anyone, ever. EVER.

I couldn't look at T, I don't know her reaction. I know she sort of froze, didn't move for about a minute. Ok, it FELT like a minute. But I couldn't look at her. There is so much shame there.

Still, I feel like somehow I broke through some invisible barrier, telling T that, volunteering that, not having her have to drag it out of me, you know? I feel triggered as hell and ashamed and embarrassed and everything now but I also feel some small sense of relief. Finally, finally, someone else is holding a little tiny part of the burden along with me.

And after I told T? I had this urge to call my best friend and tell HER (but didn't, not sure if it would be upsetting to my BFF). It's like some sort of dam was broken or something...

[mixedup_emotions]

Sounds like such an intense session....GREAT WORK! You did 110% today!

Get some rest, though. Sessions like this can be powerful - but emotionally draining.

Wow, zooropa - amazing work! I can only imagine how hard that must have been. I'm glad you feel that relief - isn't that a good feeling?

Please take care of yourself - MUE is so right, those sessions can be so draining.

((((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))))

Good for you. You did a big, brave thing. That is how we heal

How are you today??

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

.......I feel like somehow I broke through some invisible barrier, telling T that, volunteering that, not having her have to drag it out of me.........Finally, finally, someone else is holding a little tiny part of the burden along with me.

dear zooropa

you are a sweet brave lady. I'm so sorry for your pain. You didn't do anything wrong that you should be ashamed. Proud of the way you handled youself in session!!! get some rest now.

[jexa]

Wow zoo!!! Your T must be so proud.

I'm sorry this hurts so much.. isn't it nice to have T help shoulder the burden? I'm so glad you could trust T with this.. please take care of yourself now, and call T if you need to..

[Sannah]

Wow, excellent work!!!!!!

[zooropa]

thank you so much, all of you. the support here, it means so much.

wow, last night was rough. Not a lot of sleep, what sleep I did get was full of nightmares & just not restful.

I had a horrible experience when I was falling asleep, too, of I guess dissociation? Where I just couldn't remember who I was or where I was. Couldn't remember where I live. And my apartment looked liked my apt but not EXACTLY. Like a close copy of my place but not quite right. SCARY. It lasted a while, then it went away. I was able to call T & talk to her. But wow, I've never had anything like that happen before.

Anyway, I'm just trying to do extra self-care today. Stay close to home, drink lots of water, eat good food, listen to my favorite music, knit, drink coffee (but not too much! lol!), all the things that are soothing to me.

thanks for being here, PC friends