On Gifts in Therapy

Hi ((((((((((Liily99))))))))))))))

I'm not Brightheart but I can tell you a few things that I read and talked about with T a little bit.

I read that T's are supposed to look at WHY the client is giving the gift...is there something behind it? Are they trying to get T to like them? Are they trying to distract T from the serious work of therapy? Etc. Etc.

When I made my scarf for T, I really DID hope that he liked it, and I gave it to him is because I love him and I wanted to make something for him. We are people, and we have a relationship, and that is how I feel when I am in relationships with people.

T and I talked about my gift a little (but only back and forth in messages). I told him that I hoped that he understood that I just wanted to make him something because it's the holidays and I love him and I value our relationship and I wanted to give him a gift and NOT because of any therapy-harming reason. T left me a message and told me that he had completely accepted the gift in that spirit and that he loved it

My next session is scheduled for my birthday, on Wednesday. I will be traveling home from out of state on that day and don't know if I will make it, so I told T I had to cancel...but I felt sad about it, because my birthday is historically a really hard day for me. T told me at my last session that I can just let him know ON THAT DAY if I can make it, that he will keep the 5 and the 6 open for me, and if I can come to let him know, and if not, he won't charge me. That feels like a gift that T is giving to ME, on a day that he knows is really tricky for me. I know he's not doing it so he'll be my favorite T (ha ha!), but because he cares about me and it's a gift he can give me and he wants to give me. Because we are in a relationship.

Just like everything else in therapy, we probably need to step back and look at our subconscious motivations for what we do. And just like everything else in therapy, sometimes we have to remember that a cigar might be just a cigar

I probably will give my T something when I leave therapy. I like to give people tokens of appreciation. I sent my Vet a card telling her how much I appreciated the hug she gave me after my kitten passed away. I made my physical therapist a batch of brownies to show them how appreciative I was that they made my knee feel better. I like doing that sort of stuff for people!

I'll be back later, lilly, with more detail (on my way to work now). I don't think my motivation was ever to get former T to like me. I gifted him twice and both times it was at the end of therapy. But I gave in to my strong desire to give him pleasure by sending him the slideshow. Normal within relationships to want to do that, but I think it was probably too personal within this one. It's so hard loving someone and not being able to express it fully. Maybe, in this case, it would have been best expressed by holding back. So I do think I messed up that time. I know he doesn't hold it against me, though.

I don't give my therapist gifts at holiday time but I do give her gifts sometimes. We were talking about music and she mentioned a band she liked so when their new CD was released I bought one for her. When she said my tan looked nice I bought her some of the self tanning lotion I use. Stuff like that.

I have known my psychiatrist for about fifteen years and this is the year I gave him a gift. I gave him 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition and Victoria's Secret Christmas catalog. He asked if I bought the magazine just for him. I laughed and said no I bought it for me but I am done with it now so he can have it. I told him I bought him the special edition magazine and catalog and he can spend Christmas weekend with one, two or three of the girls depending on his energy level.

My T and I had a conversation relating to our therapeutic relationship, and one of the things I mentioned is that I feel selfish - that he's doing all the giving. He explained to me that he does get something out of this. He said there's a sense of admiration he has, a sense of competitiveness like he has to be tougher, that I've sparked insights for him....there have even been times when he's called his wife or gone home and apologized for something he did. So, he gets something out of our relationship - it just doesn't become the focus because that would be selfish on his part.

It was quite eye opening that I was giving something to him without even knowing it.

My poor T - I gave him DID books because that is not his specialty and I do not want to leave him just because of that. He is an awesome T! I just never thought how T might look at it. (((( blushing )))) Love reading all the interesting things in this post others say!!

LOL!!! What a creative and funny gift! What did he say? Did he crack-up?

My therapist would turn beet red with embarrassment. Thanks for making me laugh...very funny!

Echoes, how'd it go? My T did a lot of travelling, maybe your T will visit friends or relatives this winter where it's not so tropical and appreciate it as you guys probably don't buy a whole lot to have on hand "just in case"? :-)

My T once compared me to her 3 year old granddaughter and I found primary colored soap that you could "mold" (and we'd been talking about and sort of doing some clay work). Talk about personal, LOL.

Perna, thanks
She liked it, she tried it on, she admired my work and we talked about it and how I chose to use eyelash (fun fur) yarn for the ends instead of fringe (I am coming to appreciate the 'fun' part of her instead of resenting it and wanting her to be very serious all the time).
We also talked about it before and she said that I wanted to show her what I can do.

Before the session though, I started to diminish her anticipated response. So that by the time I got in there the meaning was very diluted; I had decided that she really couldn't show any other reaction besides liking it... So it didn't feel real or meaningful. Yet I think I was ragefully jealous of the scarf receiving her attention. lol I couldn't figure that out until way afterwards.

It felt uncomfortable and I didn't like sharing that part of me with her as it was happening. It's no wonder I suppose that I later said that I feel like I keep therapy very shallow.

All in all, I wish I'd not done it.

"Yet I think I was ragefully jealous of the scarf receiving her attention. lol I couldn't figure that out until way afterwards. " I just ADORE the way you think, Echoes!!!!

As far as Ts receiving without getting gifts, I think that, of course, they do. A lot of giving is about receiving as well. When you allow someone to support you and give to you, it actually invites them to care about you. People enjoy feeling useful and effective. I'm sure this includes even therapists...So I would think a good, caring therapist would naturally feel good about helping another.

When I brought up exchanging gifts in therapy, my therapist said the best gift he could receive from me is seeing me continue to grow. And seeing the joy in my face as I'm re-connecting with myself and discovering new insights is what makes him happy for me....and inspires him.

I'm a pretty cynical person as I've been hurt a lot, but he said this in such a heartfelt way that I looked into his eyes and really believed him. He made me feel so loved that day...It was a very special moment we shared and I will always hold it in my heart.

I've given my T a few gifts over the course of my therapy-nothing of value just a few special drawing I made. One of which I framed and she currently has it on her office wall. They weren't associated with any recognized holiday. They were just my way of saying thank you after she helped me through a particularly difficult time.

When I gave my T these "gifts" I did it right at the end of the session so there was no time to talk about them. Slick, I know :-) I don't end up feeling bad about them I just get really uncomfortable trying to explain stuff like why I thought she deserved a gift from me...LOL. I did however, always include a small note explaining myself.

In reading the article posted and many of the comments here on PC about gift giving and how Ts typically want to discuss in detail the rationale behind the gift... I realized my T and I haven't had these discussions. I don't feel left out about this, just curious if my T is operating from a different approach.

IDK...maybe its because they aren't material gifts and I do it infrequently so there is no boundary encrochment. Or maybe since I included a brief statement of the intention... she didn't have to spend therapy time asking and analyzing why I gave it. IDK... just curious.

My t and I didn't spend much time talking about the rationale for why I gave the gift either. I already knew and told him as I gave it (it was very symbolic). He thanked me for it and it sits on his shelf in his office. On occasion he'll mention it, usually because he used it when working with another client.

chaotic, I think my T is the same way, at least for the "gifts" I've given him such as a poem or a "drawing" (a non-artistic kind of drawing) and an essay I wrote for him, and the couple of cards I've sent or given him. He doesn't need the gift explained to him because he knows what it means. It is a symbol of my gratitude and our closeness. It ain't rocket science to figure that out! But I think if he was uncertain, he might ask, but he's not.

i could never wait until the end of a session to give my t her gifts...i usually blurt it out and throw them at her as i walk in (kid peeps!).

we never discuss what it means or or anything other than the usual "oh you shouldn't have" that everyone always says.

don't know if i was supposed to not get her things...didn't ask...just did. i know others buy her things because i have seen things in there around christmas. she gets me something for my birthday and christmas..don't know if she does that for any other patient/clinet. don't ask. don't care. don't need to know.

she said she saves all are cards...we save hers.

she told us once when her birthday was (it came up in conversation) but told us we couldn't get her anything...well one of the kid peeps got her flowers...she didn't say he couldn't....she liked that.

personally i would be crushed if she refused my gift...it would hurt so much. i think that would set therapy back a ton.

stumpy
who has been enjoying soup thanks to t's gift card from the soup & bread place

Stumpy, your T probably enjoys how you present your gifts. IDK sometimes I think we get way to serious and analytical about the little things we do. I often need to remember that I'm considered "normal" most of the time. LOL Giving people little gifts is OK, people do it all the time, doesn't have to mean something of major sigificance in the mental state. I need to get that pounded through my thick head sometimes.

I finished the gift I was knitting for my T and plan to give it to her today at my session, but I am really nervous about how to go about presenting it to her and will probably end up bringing it home with me and keeping it, LOL!

I just know it will be awkward...

Good luck zooropa!

I just love this thread!

I didn't know it was about tangible gifts, at first, thought it was those intangible ones that some of you have written about...but it's been fun to read of the love shared between therapist and client. We just love our therapist(s) and are eternally grateful for them!

The other day we were so surprised when we got this little envelope in the mail from our T and inside was a handmade card made by a First Nations artist from the streets of the big city near us and a gift card for coffee.

Inside our therapist wrote, in a nutshell, our progress and process this year. We cried, as usual at the tenderness. He actually is not working as closely with us as his former student but we love them both and that he took the time to remind us of the beginning of our therapy and the hummingbird. We believe the design on the card is of a hummingbird.

Gifts abound internally from our relationship from both sides! As far as tangible gifts, I have a few memories of giving and receiving but I have loved all of yours and it has given me some kind of persmission and ideas using my gifts.

Thank you too for the humor, tenderness, seriousness!

You all are a gifts.

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A hand-knitted cowl sounds so lovely and thoughtful. Maybe you can present it to her by telling her why you chose a cowl scarf and its color/colors. I hope you give it to her...I bet she'll appreciate it very much.

I felt nervous and awkward, too, but ended up feeling so good afterward. I felt validated as a person who is able to give and show appreciation to a very important person in my life. To have that person accept my giving and not reject it was very healing to me.

Good luck, and I hope it all goes well, Zooropa.

I hope so too.

I did make up a small bead kit for T, who once said that she'd always wanted to learn how, but when i gave it to her, practically all I said was how very inexpensive it was (and it WAS) because I know her program takes a hard line on $$ gifts. But in retrospect it seems that what I said as I gave it to her was ony, now keep in mind that this is cheap, I mean cheap, it's really REALLY cheap (read: so don't reject it - and me - pleeeeeeeeze.....) sigh. No emotions. I think a show of gratitude is an emotion. too darn bad.

somewhere in the hour I did get to tel her a little about how far we seem to have come, it means a lot to me (how's this for a tear jerker speech - something like "I remember I used to stare at you a lot, back at the beginning - so many of the things you said to me seemed just off the wall and had never entered my head at all - but now I think I understand a little better, scary isn't it" and she laughed)

LOL I gave a little speech like that to my T. "Remember when I first started therapy and you used to say 'relationship' and I would get really really upset and you weren't allowed to say that word? And now we can call it a relationship? Don't you think that's a lot of progress??" lolol

T said "and now we're all slobbery about each other" which sounds SO horrible but which made me laugh and laugh because we had spent so much time around the holidays going on and on about how much we like each other.

Too bad it will be back to the regularly-scheduled trauma crap in January Blah!

well, I didn't give her the cowl

It was just awkward. It always is, those first couple of minutes in session, so I let that slide and didn't give it to her right away, and then there didn't seem like a good time. But I really, really want to give it to her, I made it specifically for her and I want her to have it. So I am going to really plan what to say and give it to her right away next week before I can chicken out again.

I do have to say, I gave her my stash of pills that I have been saving up for possibly overdosing, and while that wasn't any kind of "gift" for her personally, it felt like maybe enough of me handing things over to her unexpectedly for one week, LOL. I'm sure given the choice she would have been very glad to have the pills over the cowl.

oh, and tree? we are back to "trauma crap" next week, too. It was a nice little break while it lasted!

((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))

It DOES feel awkward, doesn't it? I gave T his scarf right away in session. I said "I brought you a present" and took it out of my bag and kind of tossed it to him. I honestly don't even remember what happened next, I think I kind of checked out (talk about stressful! lol). But he loved it, and even though it was a little scary, I'm glad I did it.

You can do it, zoo. And she will love it!