I asked T why I couldn't have a hug..

I guess I just feel like T and I had such a good relationship.. and then I had to go and muddle it up by asking questions and making things awkward I don't even know if we'll really get to "debrief" either because I won't see her for a couple weeks, and there's so much in-between our sessions this time (coming home, xmas, etc).

sigh.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks again guys

Something about the author's name sounded familiar. Sure enough, back in September we had a bit of controversy over another article of hers in the Psych Central newsletter and she's been on a short leash, as far as I'm concerned, ever since. Here's one of the places we discussed it: Haven't seen T in 4 months.... I later discovered another discussion of the same article already in progress here: The Darker Side of Therapy (Dealing with Therapy Dependence).

The part of the okay-to-hug-your-therapist article I personally found most interesting wasn't really even by Neale:

Jacq, I was wondering which of these seem true for you or not:

• If you could get hugs from your therapist, it would make therapy more effective for you.

• If you could get hugs from your therapist, it would make therapy more comfortable for you.

• If you could get all the hugs you wanted from your therapist, you wouldn't need therapy any more.

I'm not your therapist, so and Happy Holidays!

I know it's different for everyone, but I didn't identify with that wording. When my T and I hug, we share a hug. It's not something I get from him. My T and I are both participants in that hug. Maybe you wanted to share a hug too, jacq? I think some degree of reciprocity in therapy can be very healing. (But there are more ways to do that besides hugs.)

((((((((((((((((Jacq!!))))))))))))))))
I'm just catching up - wow what a tough session =( ouchie. I'm so sorry you didn't get what you needed (connection) right before a break! Here is hoping you are ok and that something good is coming your way.

You all have me thinking .... awesome thread and honest talk - thanks a zillion!!!!
When I was a child, I did not want my mom to hug me at all - or ayone. But I was abused at age 2 1/2 so I think that is why. I do like the one friend I have to hug me, but no one else. After reading the great input on this thread, I am wondering if asking T for a hug might help me get closer to him and not keep wanting to push him away. I am glad he does not hug because I feel like hugs = trust and that is something with him I am terrified to fully go into. Hummmm

Awwww, Jacq10...you didn't do anything wrong. You asked to have a need met. That is totally okay. I'm sorry it didn't work out how you wanted it to

It makes me angry when therapists say things like that, sometimes a hug is what someone needs. Its called comforting another person, what do they want you to hol your tears and pain until you run into someone else to hug you? No, if our crying at that moment and they are able to hug you then they should. Thats what I think anyway

Yes I agree with you Sunrise. I think that what I was getting at/asking T was to share a moment with me ... I don't believe that a hug would really make me more comfortable/T more effective, and it certainly wouldn't mean I didn't need T anymore. I think if we were to share a hug, it would mark a progression in our relationship (that I often feel, but wonder if it is mutual or not), and it would just reassure me that I AM loveable, that I'm NOT worthless/disgusting (insert any word here really...), and that T really does care for me.

I have (pretty significant) attachment issues, and so I can definitely appreciate why T wouldn't want to make our relationship another one that I would have difficulty leaving... but at the same time, I really don't think that a hug would make my attachment to her any more or less established than it already is.

I'm personally of the opinion that you are lovable, that you're not worthless/disgusting (etc.), and that if your T didn't care for you it would be her loss. However, I'd expect you to find my opinion in these matters of very little benefit to you.

Of course a hug is, or can be, or "should be" sharing and participation as sunrise said -- but if there's something getting in the way of your participating fully, you might want to focus first on clearing it away.

As I see it, thinking you're unlovable or worthless or disgusting is kind of like having a splinter in your finger. You seem to be asking T to put a bandaid on your finger so you'll feel better but your T seems to be saying, "No, we need to get the splinter out first, and then you may not even need a bandaid."

Jacq- This might sound strange, but it doesnt seem like there would be anything to lose by telling her the exact words you wrote here. On the other hand, if it might make you more frustrated and hurt by her refusal to hug, then maybe not to go into it any further. But maybe it would cause her to re-think her approach with you.

I think this is is a very very wise statement. It can be a very painful splinter though and a certainly understand the desire for the symbolic band-aid can be.

(((((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))))

Hugs from therapists is a much debated topic isnt it! I am so thankful that my T hugs and holds me in times of deep distress. This comfort is of great benefit to me has no negative impacts on the therapy process. I think to hug another human being in times of sorrow is a perfectly normal thing to do. I must add however, that it took her 2 years to actually do this. I feel sad for those that have Ts that dont hug, or even touch. I cant imagine going through therapy in such a cold and rigid environment.