[pinksoil]

In four years of therapy with my T, I have never walked out of a session. I have been in a depressive episode, and last week, I just couldn't take it anymore. About halfway through I asked, "Are we done yet." I couldn't take his ****ing suggestions about going to the hospital, the crisis response center, getting help for my Klonopin use, etc. I was getting frustrated because he can't fix it and I could tell he was getting frustrated because I was turning down everything he was saying. He even mentioned something about that. Finally, about 10 minutes before the session was over, I took out the cash, tossed it on his desk and walked out.

Two days later I left him a voice message at night. I was not exactly in my right mind, but I told him I was calling because I wanted to say **** you, and that I had just wanted him to fix it.

Then two days later, I called and left a message asking him to call back. I told him how it was hard for me to even want to come back to therapy on Monday (tomorrow). I think I was reaching out for some type of support.

He called back and said, "I assumed you were coming to therapy this Monday, so I will see you then." And that was it.

Are you serious?

Soooo, I left him another message and told him that I would rather sit in a ****ing crisis response center than in his ****ing office on Monday because I was reaching out to him and all he could come up with was "See you Monday." ?!?! But then of course, I said that I would be in therapy (I'm so lame) to discuss these feelings because I do know better than to just walk away from EVERY emotion.

Yeah, so I'll see him tomorrow. Should be a lovely session.

[ECHOES]

((pink)) I know how this feels so unsupportive and uncaring, but I think what's going on is way too important to have it take place anywhere besides in session.

I'm sorry you're feeling angry and depressed. It really really stinks when that is tolerated instead of relieved. Or maybe tolerating is a way of relieving. I don't know, but I do know when the fix isn't provided, everything can feel worse.

I hope your session tomorrow (today?) is a good one and that you feel better.

[SUNNY2009]

I think it is good that you can express yourself......that may sound strange .... but I wish I had the guts to say exactly what I feel ...in person ...... so even though you may feel annoyed .....you told him how you felt.....atleast T knows and is still there for you ..... even if it is uncomfortable at first .... you got some satisfaction from your expression .....
that is just my opinion ....
you are gutsy .... and I am glad you didnt bottle it up like me
good luck today

[lily99]

hello pinksoil,
I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy (for want of a better and much stronger word ), I know the feeling. But I agree with Sunny, at least you expressed your feelings.
take care

[billieJ]

I'm so sorry for what you are feeling and for your conflict over going to therapy. I really think your T was trying to be professional and to show that he understood and overlooked your walking out, in his computer responses. If you can find a different T that might be helpful, but if not, giving up therapy can't be the answer. Your appt. will go better than you anticipate. Can you discuss what it was that mad you so angry?

I know that you felt you wanted more, but honestly I see most T's making that kind of comment. It seems like you wanted him to do therapy on the phone, not just support. He did show support, he did respond to you and said he would see you on your next appointment. Therapy should be taken place in the room, during an appointment for lots of reasons. ( I know you know this.) If he had to take an extra 10 min each week with everyone of his clients, he sure wouldn't have much time to sleep or have a personal life. Boundaries hurt sometimes I know, but he is showing you caring and concern because he is doing his job the way he should.

I could see a T going over normal time boundaries in a very serious emergency situation or tragic situation, but not just because you go upset and left your appointment early. I think most of us want more from our T's than we can have, and bumping into the boundaries can hurt, but realistically he is doing his job. Therapy is going to bring about hard feeling, but they can't rescue us when we get angry or feel bad or demand them to fix it. He will give you tools for you to fix it, it is up to you whether you follow his advice or use those tools.

[crystalrose]

i think that Ts sometimes really need to know that they f***ed up badly. Sometimes the only way to let them know is to walk out. Which is what i'm gonna do if tomorrow is hard.

[Fartraveler]

your t just did what t's do. didn't want to reinforce that behavior one or the other, so didn't respond with sympathy or disapproval. wanted to keep you in therapy, so response was only: I expect you to come.

mine has done the same thing, more or less. i called her one night because i was very upset and canceled and was hysterical. she called me the next day and all she said was: I dont accept cancellations made at 3am, so I expect to see you at your appointment tomorrow.
(and i said: well, i'll come but i won't talk to you.)

that's just what t's do. don't worry about it, the sympathy is there.

(walking out is satisfying -- i've done that too -- but after all it's just acting out, and you're going to pay for the time anyway, so if you're going to pay for it, you might as well use it constructively.) (He probably won't think he's messed up. He'll just think you're acting out.)

Sounds like your t was just saying that another session on Monday is the way to go. Like others have said, he doesn't want to reinforce the behavior. In session is where we need to handle things. It's hard when they are telling us what options we have and we don't want to hear it, but it sounds like he was doing what he needed to do. You just didn't like to hear it. We've all been there.

Hey pink...

I know your T is like my T and getting a little "more" on the phone is not outside of what you might normally expect. It stinks that you didn't get what you needed/wanted.

Going to session is good. I'm glad you're going.

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Hey pink...

I know your T is like my T and getting a little "more" on the phone is not outside of what you might normally expect. It stinks that you didn't get what you needed/wanted.

Going to session is good. I'm glad you're going.

But sometimes what you want is not what you need. Sometimes getting what you want is not always what you need and might even be harmful. Sometimes what you need is indeterminate in the moment for both T and patient.

pink

it sucks....when they don't listen and help like you need them too....i can't imagine how much you are hurting...i know how much i hurt sometimes and i have thought about walking out but while the heart, mouth and mind are raging the legs are made of jello.

this is a hard part of year for you if i remember correctly...extra depression aside...i'm sure thats not helping too....and on top of it its the holidays...and i know i don't feel like going over the damn river to see grandma.

go to t...go in like a raging bull...rip his head off...scream so loud people 3 offices down wonder what in hell is going on in there. (and then just to screw with them compose yourself, walk out smiling like nothing ever happened...can't let the kids out of wedlock win!)

thinking about you pink...actually you've been on my mind for a while...

stumpy

[Slippers]

Um...well.....T's get paid for a lot of hard work...but not neccesarily to be screamed at or cursed at. Sorry. I don't think that as patients we have a free pass to treat T's like poo. They get to draw lines.

I once left a vmail for my T that was pretty angry. At my next appt, he said, "you need to treat me better". Well, ok then. So, I did.

I think it's good for our T's to set limits. It's better if they EXPLAIN those limits when they set them...

S

[TayQuincy]

I know if I went in to T raging and cursing, she would show me the door. I agree with slippers, therapists with good boundaries would not allow themselves to be treated that way. There are appropriate ways to deal with anger and screaming obscenities is acting out.

Pink, you chose to walk out, for whatever reason. You are free to do so. But by doing that you wasted 10 minutes of valuable therapy time to work through your anger with T in a more appropriate way. If he gave you extra phone time, he would be reinforcing your acting out behavior.

I know your T is like my T and getting a little "more" on the phone is not outside of what you might normally expect.

Even T's who are less strict on their boundaries will eventually begin to tighten them up when they see that it isn't helping their patient.

[sw628]

I laugh because the way my T responded to my email, you would think that I cursed or yelled obscenities to her..which was NOT THE CASE. I would never
talk to T this way. They're not in the business of taking abuse from clients. I agree with slipper and Taquincy, we don't get a free pass to treat our T's like ****. It' s OK to be angry, but do it in a way that effectively communicates to T what you are feeling. I should know .......

[imapatient]

How'd it go?

Yup. My T would definitely show me the door if I started treating him poorly. He has very good boundaries. He deserves to be treated respectfully.

[pinksoil]

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

I know if I went in to T raging and cursing, she would show me the door. I agree with slippers, therapists with good boundaries would not allow themselves to be treated that way. There are appropriate ways to deal with anger and screaming obscenities is acting out.

Pink, you chose to walk out, for whatever reason. You are free to do so. But by doing that you wasted 10 minutes of valuable therapy time to work through your anger with T in a more appropriate way. If he gave you extra phone time, he would be reinforcing your acting out behavior.

Even T's who are less strict on their boundaries will eventually begin to tighten them up when they see that it isn't helping their patient.

Actually my T does give me a free pass for saying whatever I want in therapy, including if I feel like cursing him out. That's what therapy is about for me-- it is a situation where there are no limits to words or feelings. I am not going to filter or suppress my anger. One of the most valuable things that T ever told me, early on in our relationship, was: "You can say whatever you want in here-- as long as you don't actually DO it." I love him for that. As Rollo May says, "The purpose of psychotherapy is to set people free." I don't know how that can happen if there are filters. And just for clarification, a simple "**** you" is different than screaming obscenities. T and I are very honest with each other.

Anyway, I went back the next session and we processed a lot of it. Everything that happens in therapy is for a reason. And we get better for it.

[Melbadaze]

Pink, I also am able to be free with my anger in therapy...sometimes the "tut tut" responses that are posted here from time to time, just blow my mind LOL! sounds like you hit a very difficult time and now you and your T are coming out the other side!! Lets hear it big for the free thinking Ts!!! :-)

[TayQuincy]

Actually my T does give me a free pass for saying whatever I want in therapy, including if I feel like cursing him out. That's what therapy is about for me-- it is a situation where there are no limits to words or feelings. I am not going to filter or suppress my anger. One of the most valuable things that T ever told me, early on in our relationship, was: "You can say whatever you want in here-- as long as you don't actually DO it." I love him for that. As Rollo May says, "The purpose of psychotherapy is to set people free." I don't know how that can happen if there are filters. And just for clarification, a simple "**** you" is different than screaming obscenities. T and I are very honest with each other.

Well I'm glad that having no limits works for you. But I disagree with that kind of therapy, especially if you have BPD or bi-polar because that is commonly acting out behavior. Therapists are supposed to set limits. Saying "F*** you!" to your T is actually a very limiting way to relate because it doesn't tell T anything except that you are angry, it doesn't tell him anything else. It is like a child having a temper tantrum. As a parent, I would want to teach my child to communicate her needs effectively. But to each his own.

I disagree with the anything goes idea of therapy too. Some people need to learn to control their behaviors. Therapists don't have to agree to be abused by their patients. There are much better ways to communicate your needs and frustrations than yelling and cursing at your therapist. That is not to say you shouldn't curse during a session. I do; so does my t actually. But we don't curse AT each other. That would be crossing a boundary.

[imapatient]

Pink, I completey agree with you. Sticks and stones. If you can't be fully open in therapy, where can you be? That's the point of therapy. I can see what some people are saying about the need for some to moderate their words--words are behavior--as part of their therapy to learn boundaries and control themselves. But for people who aren't like that, have those issues, it's a non-issue to me. There's probably a point for everyone where it becomes counter-produitve if it blows up, but those would be extrme situations. Oh how minimal a patient's action to say F you to a T versus all the more concrete, negative behavior they must deal with.

[TayQuincy]

Just to set the record straight, my T and I have a very open relationship and I feel I can say anything to her. But I'm beyond the acting out behavior. I might say "f*** this!, but i wouldn't say F*** you!. I have more respect for my T than that. If I am angry with her about something, I simply TELL her, no need to regress into a temper tantrum.

I don't think anyone has said that we can't be fully open in therapy. I certainly have an open relationship with my t. But I do choose to treat him respectfully. I don't find that limits openness at all. I communicate what I need and what I feel in ways that don't require crossing his boundaries.

[cai23]

I'm pretty free to say what I want because mainly I get so frustrated and have so much anger inside I have to get it out some way. I swear, he swears....he always asks if he's on my poop list. I can't learn how to deal with my anger and frustrations if I can't verbally express them. Therapy is the only safe place I have to do it, and T is the only person I have to teach me how to handle those feelings in a healthy way....instead of turning them on myself.