[ECHOES]

I called T today to see if she could see me today. Fortunately for me she was able to see me this afternoon. I'm not in a good place at all. Fell apart yesterday and none of the usual things I do are helping. I called her yesterday but didn't ask for a call back; I told her I hoped that leaving her the message would work. But it didn't. I didn't feel well enough to go to work. Now I have the manager being mad at me to deal with, when most of what this is about is work.

But 2 things struck me. One is about working on not idealizing T. I was confident I was past most of that, and it seems I am because yesterday it was real T, not fantasy (dream mother come to life) T that I wanted. The other is that I could actually reach out today and call and ask if she could see me. I wanted to be there talking face to face rather than wanting her to call me.

I am now exhausted from it all, the falling apart, the struggle to deal with it and move past it, the session. My sessions have been kind of light and superficial lately, as I have stuck to safe things or safe areas of things. This was deeper and we talked about the stuff past the things, we talked about my fear of feeling and of feelings, my fear of expectations, and my negativity. I'd been feeling terribly overwhelmed and trapped. I guess I still can't shake that, but talking about it was somewhat relieving. That she recognized my fears and just named them without judging them, denying them, ridiculing them... Oh my gosh, it is just so accepting. I just so needed that tonight.

She also talked about the feeling being trapped may be from being trapped by my negativity and we could work on directing my energy toward something else. Toward the issues around this job, looking for another job, moving back to where I lived before I moved here 6 years ago. I feel like a failure at my job (in spite of 2 good reveiws the last 2 years) and I feel like my job is constant stress and chaos; that things just come at me right and left and there is not much predictability or orderliness. I keep working on trying to create more orderliness but there is so much to do that I can only devote bits of time here and there to it. I don't like these working conditions but I feel like I can't say that. T said there was nothing wrong with making a decision that this job isn't what I want, that I tried it and it just isn't for me. Why in the world can't I come up with that perspective myself, I'd like to know. It sounds absolutely right, logical, and self-assertive coming from T.

But not only can't I perceive this, my negativity here says But I will never find anything else, or I will only find the exact same job, or no one will want to hire 'someone like me', etc. So that makes me stuck, trapped by my negativity.

She also talked about my taking myself somewhere else when I don't want to or don't know how to deal with something, including in session. I know I do this when I feel it happening, but applying this to a thinking process is something new to me, so I'm going to try to catch that happening.

Nothing about work has changed and I will face that tomorrow.
I am so exhausted. Yet I feel lighter.

I really don't know how I would have got through this day without T.
I know I ramble and don't articulate well, but thanks for reading

[BlueMoon6]

((((Echoes))))) I know that trapped feeling. Where you cant stay where you are, yet you cant move forward, it is waaaaay too scary. But you did the right thing to take good care of yourself and to move maybe in baby steps forward by seeing T today. I love that she validated how you felt and named your feelings in such a non-judgemental way and accepted you as you are today. And then you can accpet where you are today at this moment. When T does that for me, I feel so much more peaceful. That "its OK to be me" sounds so simple, but we just done seem to get there on our own. For now, we need T to give us permission. And permission to change jobs if one doesnt seem to be what we want. Permission to change our minds!

I also wonder when ftt comes up with these simple things why I didnt think of that? But, I guess it is because it does not even occur to me to give myself the permission and self-care that changing my mind would entail. But you can, we can, its all OK, Echoes. You can just think in baby steps in that direction if you need to. YOu dont have to make any changes today...or even tomorrow. Just some thinkin'

T sounds amazing...and so are YOU!

[MissCharlotte]

Wow, such hard work. No wonder you are exhausted! Isn't it amazing how it feels sometimes like nothing is happening and then all of a sudden tons of connections and thoughts tumble in. Why can't it be more evenly spaced?

I wanted to be there talking face to face rather than wanting her to call me.

Isn't that wonderful? I am there too. I still call T sometimes, but not nearly as often as I used to and I don't get the same satisfaction as I used to by the return calls. I'd just as soon see him or save it till the next session. And to think that I used to prefer phone sessions to in-person sessions. I think we are securely attached now Echoes........oh my!

You need some rest girlfriend! I hope you feel better soon.

[ECHOES]

Isn't that wonderful? I am there too.

Yes it sure is MissC In fact I was astounded by my feelings around this on Sunday and then read your post shortly after and saw how similar we are feeling about our T's

MissC
BlueMoon

[Perna]

I think I recognize parts of where you're at Echoes. I was reminded of how my T used the image of us travelling down the highway together and I'd suddenly take an exit ramp but then I'd eventually circle back around and get back on further down the road :-) That image helped me because it was concrete and I could "see" it and use it and we could both better catch me when I'd be doing it so eventually I didn't do it so much.

Don't forget that it's often harder to see things when you're in them. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for feeling stuck; just decide that it's chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe instead of a tar pit? :-) They both have to be dealt with but one feels worse than the other and is more worrisome. So what if your T has to show you the first few times how "easy" it is to think logical thoughts about your life and future? It's all a learning experience and you just haven't had the opportunity to have that experience until now so someone has had to teach you and the someone is your T. Parents weren't any good at it were they, LOL.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, I see so many similarities in how you view things and the situation with your job.

I usually find the reasons why something won't work, won't happen, etc. I am not a risk-taker. That says a lot about me, apparently, and much of it is due to past abuse. I've put so many limitations on myself and for a while, I was doing things to break free of some limitations. Now, I've leveled off....retracting even.

When it comes to our jobs, it's hard to say, "Oh, just find another job!" because there's so much at stake! It's easier said than done, in this economy.

I've come to the realization, after working with the same company for the last 13 years, that I need to try to find something else. This job is unhealthy for me. My boss hates me. He is starting to exclude me. And yesterday, I was screamed at by my CEO...yes, SCREAMED at - first in front of the whole company and then it was taken into my CFO's office. All because of a misperception.

I do not deserve this. I deserve much better. But as a single mom with a roof to put over my daughter's head, it's not as simple as just up and leaving. There's a lot to consider.

Sorry to ramble on....this just triggered my own crappy day yesterday and knowing what I need to do...and being scared to do it.

Isn't it amazing how naming our feelings makes them so much less scary and more tolerable..and gives us a glimmer of hope that we can deal with them and move past them? I am so grateful to therapy for teaching that to me. That instead of running AWAY from feelings and denying them, I need to look them in the face and say hello to them and invite them in. If I can make friends with them, it takes away their power. It's like turning on the lights and seeing there isn't really a monster in the closet...it's just my big messy pile of clothes, and THAT is something I can deal with, clean up, and put in it's place.

I think it's great that you called T...and that she can fit you in. You did good, hard work.

I hope you were able to get some restful sleep, and that work is a little more bearable today, with the new knowledge that you have options and that you will find a way to more forward.

to you!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I feel like my job is constant stress and chaos; that things just come at me right and left and there is not much predictability or orderliness. I keep working on trying to create more orderliness but there is so much to do that I can only devote bits of time here and there to it.

Hi Echoes! Does this chaos, unpredictablity, and disorganization in the job trigger you? If it does then maybe work on that????