[Melbadaze]

So When I told T how I hear and see crowds screaming and fighting and outright chaos, T says this is me having split of and projected outward and then it feels as if its coming back to me fragmented and each fragment holds as much fear as the original fear that I split off. OK, what is this in plain english? I will talk to T about it next week, but I just realised, I dont really know exactly how that happens and how it works, its like some sort of magic trick, a trick of the eye. But it fits and thats just how I experience the world, as chaotic and frightful and to think its coming from me? how? wouldnt I know? obviously not.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

So When I told T how I hear and see crowds screaming and fighting and outright chaos, T says this is me having split of and projected outward and then it feels as if its coming back to me fragmented and each fragment holds as much fear as the original fear that I split off. OK, what is this in plain english? I will talk to T about it next week, but I just realised, I dont really know exactly how that happens and how it works, its like some sort of magic trick, a trick of the eye. But it fits and thats just how I experience the world, as chaotic and frightful and to think its coming from me? how? wouldnt I know? obviously not.

To me this sounds like it is your mind's way of expressing a very strong underlying fear by creating a safer (albeit still scary) memory/experience/visualization. Is this an actual hallucination - in that you think it is real and are experiencing it in real time - or is it an image/sound that flashes into your head that you see with only with your mind's eye?

[Melbadaze]

i think its real and am experiencing it.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

i think its real and am experiencing it.

That must be absolutely terrifying. I am so sorry, are you working with your therapist to develop techniques to ground yourself when this is occurring?

However, there may be a true, and believe it or not, beneficial, role for these hallucinations in your recovery.

They may be an attempt to "resolve intrapsychic conflict through externalization" and when taken in context with your situation may make sense. To me, it's a way your brain is processing trauma, fear and terror. Hopefully with more confidence and reliance on the safety of your current situation you will be more able to access to source of the past fear, and less likely to experience these hallucinations.

Also, you are definately not alone in experiencing this. I found this paper for you, it is pretty easy to read for a scientific paper, and I learned a lot from it.

It's freely available so I doubt I'm violating any copyright law:

http://psychservices.psychiatryonlin...ull/50/11/1467

The words that researchers use sometimes sound so pathological, but remember they are simply descriptions and try not to associate too much to them.

Stay safe. (safe one)

[Perna]

I had a group of really older guys in my head commenting to each other about me, often about how I was going to die. They didn't threaten me, they just talked like it was a known fact, obvious, etc. Anyway, I would avoid them, get my hair cut and other things to disguise myself so they'd leave me alone but eventually I got around to telling my T a couple times and she replied, "Tell them I don't believe they exist."

Well, my T was a tiny, oriental woman and imagining a group of guys getting angry at what she said (but her not being concerned) amused the heck out of me; I knew she'd "beat" them and there was nothing they could do to her but the whole size juxtaposition thing blew them out of the water, they never bothered me again.

Too, one day I realized that I believed, like Chicken Little, that the sky was falling but my T never ever acted that way, she was always calm, pleasant, and "comfortable" and I finally took that to its limit and thought, "Is the world coming to an end or is my T crazy?" You have to take your thoughts to their logical end and see what you come up with.

Why doesn't your T and everyone else see, feel, and hear the noise and crowds, etc.? Imagine if they did? I have a good sense of humor, imagine you were quietly sitting and talking to your T and they materilized and how surprised she'd look and how vindicated you'd feel. Laugh at yourself! It isn't going to happen? I got a lot of comfort from the "sanity" of my T, how "normal" she was and comfortable with herself and used her as a model, worked to become more like her (not to become her, just to work toward the quietness I experienced coming from her that I knew was really real).

[Melbadaze]

Elliemay, Thank you for taking the time to find that article, I am touched!

Perna, When it happens and T stays calm as you say, it doesnt appear to help, I once told her after one of these occassions that I need her to step inside it with me and help me out. Ive sat on a bench for a whole day before wondering why others that sat on the bench as the day passed werent seeing what I was seeing...I dont think I can laugh at them yet, it feels to entrenched still for me..I will admit though that the strenght I draw from a tiny morsel at a time is the fact T remains calm, unyet I feel desperate to draw her in to it with me. In my rational mind I can be rational when it comes upon me there is no where to grab hold off...its just so so so scary and real and when it happens I just want to die/.