the good, the bad & the ugly

it's been one hell of a week here in stumpy land...

been struggling myself for a while with some major issues for a few weeks...teetering on the edge so to say...but thought i had finally climbed out over that slippery edge...

and then someone i knew shot himself in his pdoc's office lot...dropped me to my knees...just sucked the breath right put of me. the last time i saw him in october i knew he was hurting and in pain...but this was totally unexpected. i spent all weekend just in a million pieces...

i called my t and she was wonderful..even the emergency system worked smoothly..and my friends rallied around so that was goodf. but i can't get the image of death in the pdoc parking lot out of my head. in all my tries, thought etc.. i would never do that...i don't know...so much pain....too much pain...

anyway...i got a new camera for christmas and finally brought it in to show t today. its been so cold i've been stuck inside taking many annoying pix of the dogs (many many)..so today we sat and looked at them and i asked her if i could take a pix of her and she said yes...
well oh not that one, that smiles not good, too close, whatever...it was funny to see t so fussy! i told her i'm sticking with dog pix...they are easier!

after 4 days of processing his death i've had some great support from friends, from people i didn't realize were my friends and some not so great support from folks who i thought were my friends...

my t was excellent thru all of this..she knew this man was very important to me and altho she of course made this into a learning experience (she is a t after all) she let me bawl my eyeballs out.

i'm hoping for an easier week...this past one just beat me up...i'm glad t was there altho now at least i can look at her pix (or one of her out-takes).

stumpy

stumpy! I have missed seeing you around. I am so sorry you are going through such a horrific time right now. How nice that you have people that have rallied around you and given you support. I know 10000% what you mean about the images of death, etc. My ex-fiance shot and killed himself November 9th. I, too, can't get the images out of my mind, though I never even saw it. It is a terrible loss, an unbelievable feeling. I am so happy you have a wonderful t, someone who is there for you. It is so nice to see you back again.

What a horrible experience! I can't even imagine the pain that you must be going through with losing your friend in such an awful manner.

I'm glad your supports worked out. You made me smile when you talked about your T being picky about the pictures you took. It's nice seeing them have human moments.

Dear Stumpy,

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because ..... well, I'm not sure what it was about your post that touched me so. The incident, yes, it touched me. But the facts, the scenario...perhaps it's because my uncle did the same thing, in his driveway and his wife found him. He was my father's brother. One more victim of this horrible disease that plagues my family.

I am so sorry for how much pain you are experiencing and am so happy that you have such a wonderful T available to you. Cry as much as you need to. Grieve as much as you need to. Rage as much as you need to.
You have your T and you have us. We are always here for you.

We care about you.

Oh Stumpy, I am so so sorry about your friend. How horrible. You are strong, Stumpy and you are on your way. I know we all can get very depressed and have thoughts of sui, but the truth is, we would hurt everyone we know. And it is the ultimate way to invalidate and hurt ourselves, isnt it?

I have had such strong thoughts of sui in the past, but your post is learning experience for me, too. Thank you for sharing this incident with us (me) even though it must be so incredibly painful to think of him and what he did to himself.

((((Stumpy)))))

"T being picky about the pictures you took. It's nice seeing them have human moments.'

the final one she "approved" looks like a formal portrait for t weekly..you know the chair, crossed arms, glass of water, tissues...when i looked at later it made me burst out laughing..like who is going to see this...me and oh yeah..me?

i'm thinking its one of those things that probably crosses the imaginary boundary line with her that she drops with me...just like how she showed me the pix of the kids earlier in the session. not to many of her patients/clients whatever must have asked to take her pix and i doubt she let even fewer of them do it i'm thinking.

its also nice because one of her kids is making her a little crazy about his tentative career choices...so we spend a little time talking about that since i have experience with that field..she's nervous about it so we chat..sort of like therapy for her a little..which is okay...not alot of time but i think it gives her a chance to blow off a little nervous energy...with someone who understands the consequences of her sons actions as well the career choice. its 10-15 minutes tied in with some ptsd stuff of mine so its okay and i feel glad and honored to have her ask me for info.

ah t's....it's so hard to take care of them...so much work...picture day, career day etc....

stumpy

((stumpy))

So so sorry for your loss. You are very strong. I had a pic of T on my old cell phone but don't have it anymore.
Take gentle care.

((((((((stumpy)))))))))))

you have friends here on PC who will rally around you too, all the time, if you need it. just holler out and let me know, okay

and if you ever need someone to swap dog pics with, then i'm your girl.

((((( stumpy )))))

What a horrific experience!! I am so sorry...at the same time, I'm glad you were given the opportunity to discover that you have a support network in place to help you through it.....