I guess it's not a good sign....

Can you not just put on a neutral face, a serious face, a time-out face -- not sure what I am trying to say? You don't have to have a "happy" face all the time. You can have whatever you feel like inside and not have to share that outside.

((((((Mixedupemotions))))))

We are all so concerned about you! How are you this morning? Did you sleep OK last night?

I ended up not putting on a happy face. I just told my daughter that I wasn't feeling well....tried to give her the attention she needed even though I was incredibly distracted by my misery....and put her to bed. Whew.

How do you feel now?

Thank you....

I did finally get to sleep....this morning I am completely depleted...no energy whatsoever....and soooo soooo sad and down....

I am not going to work - again. I just don't care anymore.

I got my daughter off to school and am listening to My Chemical Romance again....I may plan to go back to sleep for a while because I didn't get much last night again.

I know I need to call the dr, but I don't want to....

(((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))

I hope you will let yourself call your dr. The meds that you were taking can have difficult and serious w/d symptoms. It sounds like you could use some extra support.

Take care of you...

Thanks....

Actually, I got the urge to listen to a song that I haven't heard in over 10 years....by Suicidal Tendencies. It was one of those short phases I went through in my teen years, liking this group....But some lyrics really fit....

From "Lost Again"...

I got into a war I could never win, where the nightmare never ever ends, and I don't know what I'm sayin...

Got into a war with reality, that muther****** it was waiting for me and I lost again....

I just sent an e-mail to my T....I need help...

Of course, it doesn't help knowing that my T is usually off on Fridays.

I called the headache center, and my headache dr is not in today. I spoke to an urgent care service rep and a message is being relayed to my dr....I should expect a call back shortly. I wonder if I will answer the phone.

My neighbor has tried calling me twice today. Another friend is texting me. I am not answering anything. I don't know why, but it seems that my PC friends are the only ones I can bring myself to reach out to during this mess.

Anyway, I just wanted to update you that I am trying to take action as hard as it is....

((((MUE)))) I'm glad you were able to get at least a little sleep last night, and so glad that you are taking steps to reach out for help. I know how hard that can be when you feel as low as you are. I know you said you emailed T, can you call him? Even if he is usually off on Fridays, is it an option to call and leave him a message, give him an idea of where you are at and that you need his help?
Keep reaching out to us here, you obviously have a lot of support and concern here for you.

I can't speak....I won't call him....When I called the headache center, I was in tears....and it was a struggle just to get those words out. But I knew I needed to. I can't do more right now....

I do appreciate the support. This too shall pass, right?

I definitely understand the not being able to speak, SO MUCH. Typing, texting, emailing, it's so much easier, getting those words out of my throat, just impossible sometimes. I get that.

and yes, this too shall pass. I really do think as others have said that this is related to your med changes and I don't know if knowing that helps you or not. I know sometimes it has helped me, to be able to know, ok, I'm not just LOSING IT, it's chemical, it's the meds, it'll equalize and I'll feel better.

Meanwhile, like Miss C said, one step at a time. Have you had anything to eat today?

Right, one step at a time.....it's gotta be the meds......one step....meds....got it.

I am eating yogurt right now and might try to lay down for a while.

WTF is going on with me??

My T e-mailed me back asking me to please come in for an appt at 10:30 tomorrow morning.....My response, "UGH".....

I am seriously losing it.....

you're doing it, MUE. You're doing everything right. This is how you get through this. You're taking care of what you really need to, your basic needs & your daughter's. You're reaching out for help in the ways that you are able. This is how you get through it until things get better.

Thanks....

I also have my mom keeping my daughter overnight tonight since I'm not doing well right now....I hope things get better soon.

I'm going to try to take a nap......

Thanks for everything, my PC friends.

mixed, i didn't realize you were being taken off so many drugs. no wonder you're having such a hard time. obviously, your doc needs to help you with this as it's all so complicated but i'll post here the info i'm finding. i italicized the most important part.

Fioricet

(it contains Butalbital)

DRUG ABUSE AND DEPENDENCE

Abuse and Dependence

Butalbital
Barbiturates may be habit-forming: Tolerance, psychological dependence, and physical dependence may occur especially following prolonged use of high doses of barbiturates. The average daily dose for the barbiturate addict is usually about 1500 mg. As tolerance to barbiturates develops, the amount needed to maintain the same level of intoxication increases; tolerance to a fatal dosage, however, does not increase more than two-fold. As this occurs, the margin between an intoxication dosage and fatal dosage becomes smaller. The lethal dose of a barbiturate is far less if alcohol is also ingested. Major withdrawal symptoms (convulsions and delirium) may occur within 16 hours and last up to 5 days after abrupt cessation of these drugs. Intensity of withdrawal symptoms gradually declines over a period of approximately 15 days. Treatment of barbiturate dependence consists of cautious and gradual withdrawal of the drug. Barbiturate-dependent patients can be withdrawn by using a number of different withdrawal regimens. One method involves initiating treatment at the patient's regular dosage level and gradually decreasing the daily dosage as tolerated by the patient. rx list

i couldn't find much on the Migranal withdrawal effects but here is some info:

Dependence: Patients who take dihydroergotamine for extended periods of time may become dependent upon it and require progressively increasing doses for relief of vascular headaches or to prevent the increasing unpleasant effects which may follow withdrawal of the drug. healthy ontario

ehow has lots of info on Hydrocodone withdrawal and what you can do to mitigate the effects:

Depression
Hydrocodone withdrawal patients usually feel severe depression after cessation of the drug. Depression is treated through psychotherapy, but it can also be treated with diet and exercise. Depression is one of the most difficult withdrawal symptoms, because patients want to return to the drug use. It can also be treated with vitamins, especially vitamin B6. This is known to increase mood by increasing serotonin levels in the brain.

______________

they also mention taking Benedryl for the insomnia. i've done that for going off my anti-depressant as it was said to really help with a lot of the withdrawal effects. but ask your doc since you are on other drugs as well.

hang in there mixed. you are going thru major drug withdrawal. it does get better but go in the hospital if you need to. this is major stuff as your docs had you on very strong, addictive drugs.

Thanks, Bloom.....I guess the meds have a lot to do with it, huh?

I have not taken the Migranal in a while...probably a few weeks...and I have been off the Fioricet (butabital) for 9 days now.....The hydrocodone, I was off of it for 6 days but took a few on Tuesday and Wednesday to get through this last migraine. None since then. And those I take only when I have the really severe migraines.

I guess it would've made sense if she just weaned me off the meds instead of cold turkey...But perhaps I am at fault for that for underestimating how often I take them and how many....I estimated severe migraines about 10 days a month - and explained what I would take in a given day. She did the math based on that.

I also explained that I have less severe headaches almost every day...but we did not expand on the meds that I take on those days....which are the same meds, just not as much. So now she doesn't really have an accurate picture of how much of those meds I relied on and the impact they have on rebound headaches, withdrawal, etc.

I better look up my pharmacy record so I can tell her IF they ever call me back. Grr.

At this point though, shouldn't the worst be behind me?

I thought of the movie Office Space earlier, a good way to describe how I feel....

Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch 'Kung Fu'. Do you ever watch 'Kung Fu'?
Joanna: I love 'Kung Fu'.

OK....I think this is a tiny sign that I am coming out of this coma....

I fed my cat. Yes, that was being functional.

I also picked up the phone and called my stepson's wife's sister to tell her that my daughter and I are going to the baby shower on Sunday. I know I am not feeling up to it, but I will not miss it for the world. Matter of fact, she was thrilled because we are the ONLY family that said they would be able to attend.

This is good. I'd been meaning to call her for the last few days but couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't want to speak. But I did it.

Baby steps....