increase in anxiety, withdrawing from T, and meh...

I had a meeting yesterday with the county who controls the funding of my mental health services. The upshot is that they will continue to pay T for as long as "medically necessary" and they will pay for me to get a 2nd opinion regarding my meds, which is great as I'm seeing an arnp right now who I have a lot of problems with.

so the outcome of the meeting was fine but omg. My anxiety while I was in there was through the freaking roof. It was horrible. My T was there and I tried to make that into a good thing, to focus on her and somehow use her presence as a way to diffuse my anxiety but it wasn't working. Sitting in that room for an hour, being under a microscope as these people all around me discussed me and my mental health...it was pretty awful.

I've just had this horrible week that started with a really, really intense session with T on Monday where we continued unrelentingly into trauma work. That was followed Monday night by a phone call from my brother who I haven't spoken to for YEARS, he wanted to discuss childhood trauma we experienced together. WTF???

I can't, won't bore whoever's reading this, with the details of how bad my week has been. I'm aware it's been a pretty sucktastic week for a lot of people and that makes me feel selfish and petty for even worrying about my little life and my little anxieties.

I was unable to go to youth court with my 15 year old son this morning even though he came over and asked me to go with him. My 8 year old daughter is in a school program this afternoon and I'm already trying to figure out how to get out of going to that b/c the idea of being there with all those people makes me freak OUT, but I know it'll disappoint her if I'm not there so either way I'm screwed.

I called my T yesterday afternoon when I was freaking out and she didn't call me back until last night after I was asleep, so haven't talked to her. I feel unable to call her today, I feel like I've been calling her way WAY WAY too much lately and I need to give her a break from me. From some things she said during the meeting I feel like she wants a break from me anyway.

At the same time, my urges to SI and my sui thoughts are increasing as my anxiety goes up. Not being able to call T just increases my anxiety so it's a catch-22 I've placed myself in. I feel so trapped.

I feel like I'm not doing my kids any good, I'm just a burden to T, I had to have this big meeting yesterday just about the funding for my mental health treatment alone so I'm literally a drain on the county budget, I'm not doing anything with my life, I just sit here and wait for the next crisis or the end of the day when I can go to bed and battle my demons all night. This is no kind of life.

ok, wow. I know that was epic. I really needed to get that out.

(((((((((((( zooropa ))))))))))))) Please recognize that you have an illness. The guilt and anxiety you feel are symptoms of the illness. To view yourself as a burden is counterproductive in overcoming the illness.

I hope you get some meds to better deal with the anxiety. If your therapist has told you that you may call, than you should not feel guilty about calling. Tell your therapist about your frustrations, "I'm not doing anything with my life, I just sit here and wait for the next crisis or the end of the day when I can go to bed and battle my demons all night. This is no kind of life."

You are a valuable person enduring a malaise. You are working to get better. Focus on what you can do. Hug your children.

Good luck.

First, NEVER feel hesitant to discuss your issues here. We're all in this together, and your "petty" issues are no less important than anyone else's issues here.

You week sounds like it has been absolutely horrible, to say the very least. I totally understand the feeling of being a burden to your T. I understand that so much! But if you need her, call. Forget feeling like a burden (easier said than done, I know), forget everything but getting the help you need. Your T wants to help you, but she can't know when you need help unless you reach out.

This happened to me a couple months ago. I needed my T more than ANYTHING, and I was hesitant to call her, because I didn't want to bother her. I posted about that here, and everyone here told me what I'm basically telling you. I finally called, and I'm so glad I did. It was a relief to be able to speak with her, and also, she said she was glad that I called her and that I let her help me. She was happy that I let her be there for me. I would imagine your T will have the same reaction.

I hope things get better for you, and I hope that you can muster the courage to call your T. And remember that we're all here for you.

thank you
I called my T last night. It helped. She said something to me that I'm trying to remember today, and I want to share it here so I can come back and read it later. She said I haven't gone through everything I have in my life for nothing. That I survived the physical trauma in the past and now I'm experiencing the emotional trauma so that I can "own that emotional pain and heal from it", so I can move on with my life. And that I can't do that if I'm dead.
She said "I know in my heart of hearts that there is something better waiting for you at the end of this. And I don't want you to die."

I feel a little bit better today. It helps to know I'm not so alone. I have friends, some of them are here, thanks for being here you guys

((((((((zooropa)))))))

I'm so glad that you were able to call your T, and I'm glad it helped. It sounds like she really cares about you a lot, which is fantastic! We're here anytime you need us.

(((((Zoo))) I am so touched by how very much your therapist cares for you.
Its true you have been so through so much in your lifetime and the emotional wounds can feel so slow to heal. Even though you may be feeling hopeless and a burden (which you are not AT ALL!) I hear in your post a lot of clarity about what is going on. You are overwhelmed right now from all angles, but you seem to be clear on what is overwhelming you. I think, with that, you CAN take baby steps toward healing your life.

-You had your meeting with the county about payment, that's over.
-The court date with your son is over and there are things you and T can discuss to talk to him about why you could not go. You cannot do what you cannot do, in time these things will change.
-If you feel that there is some way you can make it through the school program, then do try, it will be one more thing to check off your list. You can do this.

I know for me when I check off the to-do things that I absolutely dread I feel so accomplished after it is over. There are times I feel like I just CANNOT do this or that and then when I do, I feel stronger. Then the sui thoughts and feeling like a burden to everyone decreases because I feel like *I* can do it. And I dont have to do it alone.

Zoo- You have friends here and can post about whatever you need to. T loves and cares about you and wants to see you well. Im SURE there are people in your life who feel the same way. BIG HUGS to you

zooropa, your T sounds wonderful! I am glad you have her.

that's a good point, blue, thanks. Just knowing those things are over with, whether I feel like I earned a pass or fail, it's done, that gives me a little breathing room. And really, I think I AM doing the best I can. Maybe that's not as great as I'd like to be doing, but if it's my best then it has to be good enough, right? right.