needing encouragement/support

i'm sorry i keep revisiting this issue here. just that everytime i think about it i feel dread and then start getting depressed.

i just need some support on the "moving out of home" front. i feel sick every time i think about it. i don't know what to do. and i feel so weak when i know kids heaps younger than me cope with this just fine. i don't have age as an excuse to fall back on any longer (and haven't had it for a long time, truth be told ).

i don't know the first thing about what's required. i know i can't afford to live by myself, but i'm too scared to rent a share house with people i don't know. one of my friends expressed interest last year, but she never brings it up and i don't want to push the issue with her. if she moved out with me i feel like maybe i could do it, because we would be learning together, but it feels too overwhelming to manage by myself.

i'm sad because i know the most i could afford would be a dingy little room which would only fit a bed, wardrobe & desk. all of my books and other furniture i would probably have to sell off, if my parents let me do that. i don't know how angry they will be. i'm trying not to think about that too much, but it is in the back of my mind.

i don't know if i will cope. i get home from work and i'm exhausted. i dont know how i could manage work and uni and looking after myself and doing assignments and trying to not be a social recluse.

i kind of 'get' now how moving out might be good for my mental health. i dont cope very well with my parents and sisters being around. i'm just scared that unless my friend says she'll move out with me that i will continue to live here for another year or two. i know that's a bad idea but moving out just seems so scary.

i know this is what austin-t will want to talk about when i see him next. but i need to sort some things out with him first before i go there. as for pdoc, i kind of feel ashamed that i'm still seeing him after 5 years. and i keep thinking maybe i don't need to go back on my meds. in a way, i kind of do want to get a bit depressed, because i still buy into that whole exo/endo-genic divide and i want to test if my depression really is biologically based or not. but on the other hand, i'm only really getting upset about stuff i can identify right now, and i do have to leave pdoc at some point anyway.

i'm sorry for rambling. i just feel so paralysed with fear. i wish there was someone who could just step in and fix things for me.

It will be all right. I'm 59 and had a "breakdown" when I was 20 and suddenly realized that I would graduate from college in a year and then be expected to move out on my own, live my own life. It had never occurred to me that I would literally "grow up" and be on my own, I guess I just assumed I'd go on living at home, being the youngest child and day would follow day, etc.

I decided to move out (I was 22) when my stepmother called me "stupid" one time too many :-) For the first time in my life I just turned around and went up to my room, with her calling after me to come back (I'd been too afraid to not come back before) and thinking to myself I didn't care if she "killed" me (she was just a tiny bit abusive :-) She and my father came up after me since I didn't come back and I just sobbed out how "I'm not stupid" and she could see how badly she had hurt my feelings and was really really sorry! Surprised heck out of me but I kept my resolve and finally found a house with a woman who needed a roommate, she was just out of the Peace Corps. That year didn't go very well and the situation deteriorated and my stepmother helped me find an apartment of my own where I lived for 13 years, until I met my boyfriend who became my husband.

It's not going to be easy or you're not suddenly going to become less anxious, etc. but I can tell you from your 59 year old self :-) that "it will be okay". Just keep telling yourself that and doing what you need one step at a time. I went through times when I didn't have jobs, enough money, no friends and therapy issues, etc. but I came out the other side. One thing that helps me is to remember that you don't do everything at once, only one thing at a time. You don't have to graduate from high school when you're in first grade! You just have to get to second grade.

It's a huge thing. HUGE.

I think everything that you're feeling is perfectly normal, although I
know you wish you weren't feeling this way. ((( HUGS )))

deli, it sounds like it overwhelms you when you begin to think about it.

So, you may start with a dingy little room. You might be surprised how fun and free a dingy little room can be. Not so much to take care of, yet private. It's manageable, cozy, secure, alllllll yours Independence!

Your friend has already mentioned moving in together; she may be waiting for you to decide, for you to respond. Maybe you and she could talk about it now, without you having to commit yourself at this point. Right now you'd like some clarification on how it would work so you can think about it some more and decide.

You may not feel so exhausted when you can come home from work to a quiet, private place where you are free to do whatever you want to do.

I am middle aged and still love the privacy of my little apartment. I can be a bit more social when I feel like it, and know that at any time I can return to my own spot in the world where I am president/king/queen/dictator

I echo Echoes the small diggy apt with no furnature sucked in a way but...it was great in many other ways. I considered it my own Walden Pond (Thoreau) experience. :-)
No cable, crates for tables, empty frig, got to love it. It was scary at times, but its where you find yourself. Don't worry about how you are going to manage you work schedule and stuff like that. You will be amazed what you can do.

Yes,the first place on your own is almost always rough! But it is so nice to be doing it on your own. I am thinking back to my first apartment, which was furnished with lawn chairs and plastic crates, lol. But I bought cheap fabric and draped the furniture and convinced myself eating on the floor was exotic. It can be hard of course, but also so liberating to take this step. You can do it!

Deli I am SOOOO proud of you! And I am SO relieved and glad you are moving in this direction.

You got some wonderful responses. There is no doubt you will feel freer and have more confidence taking care of yourself. I like what Perna said about taking it one step at a time. For anything overwhelming this is the only way to do it. What would be your first step? I say it is talking to your girlfriend to see if she still wants to move in with you and you can afford something together. When I was in my apt alone in NYCity I couldnt afford it when my rent increased from rent control to rent stabalized. I put a advertisement in NY Magazine and got hundreds of responses and had to interview A LOT of people! It was fun, but I wanted to make the right choice. The bottom line is, if its not the right choice, you can always change it. I had a series of roommates in my 20s, each for a couple of years, each one I had never met before I interviewed them, and we had some fun. One of my roommates Im still in touch with today and we had a BLAST in that apartment. Deli, take the initial steps, you dont know what could be around the corner. You will learn to balance what works for you as far as assignments, uni, looking after yourself and getting some socializing in there. I believe you will feel more whole. AND I think it will be easier for you to work on your family issues in therapy without them right there all over you on a daily basis.

As far as your parents go, I dont know, but did you ever think that once their initial anger has subsided (might take a while) that they might even help you a little bit? They might soften and be a little bit supportive?

"If it is to be, it is up to me." You have a goal. Break down attaining the goal into manageable increments. Plan how you will attain each increment. Reward yourself for your successes. Good luck.

good luck hun, you will do just fine. think about it as the beginning of a wonderful adventure. The start of the real you having a place of your own will be so much fun and you can do what YOU want to do. It is a big step but a positive one.

You can do it.

(((((Deli))))))
I agree about talking to your friend. She may be waiting for you to bring it up. And just because you talk about it, doesn't make it final, it is just bringing it up. Take care.

Hi Deli,

I can't say I have any great words of wisdom for you. But I know when I am faced with a big change I am often advised to break it down into the smallest steps possible and then take them one at a time...I hope you will find your way through this and find a situation that is good for you.

If I had read this at any other time but now I probably would have had a different reaction. I'm never too sure how I will react to anything considering how I feel seems to dictate my thoughts etc etc. BUT, right now i'm in the same position (well, kinda) and it is frigging scary as hell! On some level I know it is entirely possible to move out because i'm not a stupid person so i can pay bills, talk to landlords, organise my day to day life....but on the other-hand, oh goodness me I am freaking out! I think for me the main fear is having to interact with other people every day without being able to run away whenever I want....basically being overwhelmed (which i think is what you elude to). But i live with that living with my family; i mean i love my family but sometimes i fantasies about running away and just disappearing, so really how different am i going to feel moving out? I think what you said about learning how to do it is the right way to look at it. But I think that is hard to deal with sometimes emotionally if you are anything like me and you expect yourself to just 'know' exactly what to do/say/be when actually you don't have a clue and the point of going through it is to learn for the next time! I mean there has always got to be a first right, and with each time you learn and get better. But that first time is sooo scary! I've lived away from home before and I know i can cope, but i still feel utterly freaked out beyond words now and jump to some very extreme conclusions.

I'm making no sense but i think basically what i'm trying to say is that these scary feelings are normal for most people, especially those that are scared that their mental health may deteriorate because of 'taking on too much' (well that is my fear, i dunno about you). But that doesn't make it any less frigging scary...and i have absolutely no idea what will make it better....i just figure i'm going to have to take the plunge at some point because otherwise i will remain stuck. And which is the lesser of two evils?

Deli,

You've gotten so many good responses and a lot of good advice.

Moving out for the first time is a tremdously hard thing for EVERYONE, and with the other issues and dynamics you deal with at home, I think it is completely normal for this to be overwhelming for you.

You said,
There is no shame there. You are doing what you need to be healthy and that is to be commended.

aww, thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies .

Perna - thanks for sharing your story with me. one thing at a time is good advice, and it helps to know you've survived to 59 even having faced difficult times. it makes me feel a little bit more brave .

the thing i am worried about is that if it doesn't work out, i don't have family to fall back on afterwards. i am someone who has a Plan A, and a backup, right through to Z. it scares me so much not knowing what my Plan B would be. I am already part time at uni so I wouldn't be able to reduce my load, just drop uni altogether. It's already a condition of my enrolment that I can't take a break between semesters, so essentially I would have to write that career direction off (other unis won't take me if I've already started Hons at a different one).

echoes - you're right. i'm looking at this the wrong way - independence is probably going to look great even if it comes in the shape of a dingy little room.

re: my friend. i'm committed to moving out if she would like to. i'm just anxious about trying to get a commitment out of her - moving out is necessary for me, but she's got a nice set up with her family & isn't under any pressure to move out herself. i'm really scared that she's going to say no, and then i'll have to make the decision by myself. i don't know if i'm brave enough to move out by myself and find a bunch of strangers to live with. i don't know when to ask her. we just went travelling together and i don't know if she's sick of seeing me. i don't know if i should wait until the next time i see her face to face, or if i should send her an email. i'm really worried about how to approach this, even though i know it's not the biggest deal in itself. i've just built it up in my head to mean a lot more than what it really is.

one big thing i'm scared about is how to cope should my mental health deteriorate again. a HUGE reason i've avoided being hospitalised is because i've been living with my family, and they've taken care of meals, nagged at me etc when i've been too tired/unwell to get up and make my own meals. i'm scared of not having that fall back. there are so many times that i get back from uni/work and just don't bother with dinner because i'm too tired to cook and leaving the house to buy something is too difficult. i don't want to transfer that responsibility to someone else, but my friends do notice when i've lost weight and stuff. i'm also super scared of being hospitalised. i dont have insurance.

re: parents. i'm more worried about the initial anger rather than the long term thing. there used to be some pretty bad blow ups about it when i was younger and brought it up as a possibility. on the one hand, i'm torn between wanting to keep them informed - let them house hunt with me, give them warning etc. maybe they will help me out. but on the other hand, i'm tempted to just move out and present it as fait accompli. i know the latter will leave them more angry with me in the long run, but i am scared about living with them for a month (or more) with them knowing that i want to move out. old-T said to call the police if something happened, but they're my parents and i won't do that. i don't know whether to trust my gut instinct that things will be bad if they do know in advance. sometimes i have been really wrong and they have surprised me. but i dont know whether to give them a chance and end up getting hurt/disappointed instead.

abby - thanks for sharing - it does help to know other people relate to the situation i'm in. it does come down to worrying that my mental health is going to interfere. i'm a capable person otherwise. but when the depression kicks in i lose everything, and that's what i'm scared about the most.

thank you for reframing it this way. it makes me feel a lot better .

Deli: You said that if it doesn't work out, you won't have a family to fall back on. Do you mean that if you leave, and for whatever reason it doesn't work out, your family won't let you come back? Are you sure about that, or is that your choice?

I don't think it matters if you email your friend or ask her face to face, but I think it would help for you to find our ASAP what her plans are. Then at least you'll know one way or another.

I regret that I never lived on my own. I either lived with my parents or in a dorm at college, and then I got married. It would have boosted my self-confidence if I had the experience of making it on my own. You sound so mature for your age that I think you'll do fine on your own. My T once said it's the anticipation of events that's scarier than the events themselves.

thanks for your reply, rainbow .

re: my parents. i am not certain, but i am fairly sure my parents would not let me return. or, if i did return, that my life would be a lot worse at home than it is right now. the reason pdoc/austin-t want me to leave is solely due to my parents, so it would be counterproductive to return. and my parents would take it personally that i left and would see it as a victory if i returned, and would take every opportunity to put me down because of it. i envy people who just have a comfortable relationship with their folks.

i will ask my friend when i see her next, i think. i will try to meet up with her this friday or over the weekend. i will organise that tonight.

it's interesting that you think your self confidence would have been boosted if you had lived by yourself for some time. my thoughts on the future always involved moving straight from parents' place to the person i would get married to. obviously that hasn't worked out. Plan B was maybe living with friends in between, but never has it involved living with people i didn't know before moving in with. i'm terrified at that idea. but i'll try to keep in mind your idea that maybe it'll boost my self confidence to try things on my own.