quitting therapy

i am about 99% sure that this issue is about him, not me. that's why i'm not feeling crap about it (as much as i usually would, anyway) - although it still hurts to think i'm not important enough.

austin-t got a promotion. a big promotion. originally he told me he was closing down his private practice. i had 3 more sessions and that was it. i was a mess, and i made pdoc go sort it out because i couldn't do it myself. pdoc was reluctant (i know i put him in a sticky situation) but pdoc is my protector and so he fixed things up. next session and austin-t tells me that he meant he is continuing with his current clients, but closing his books to new ones. the session after he was complaining to me about how he had just accepted 3 more clients onto his waiting list. no sympathy from me if you can't say 'no', but whatever - he was tired.

few months pass. the session before our break he asked me if i wanted to continue with him. mentioned his waiting list is huge. i said i did want to continue, so we arranged for me to call when i got back from japan. so this was the first session back. he asked if it was ok to meet at pdoc's hospital (which he is a part of as well) and i said ok. but it turns out he's taken me off his private practice books (given my slot to someone on the waiting list) and now is trying to get me to cut down on seeing him at pdoc's place.

my guess is just that he has bitten off more than he can chew, and that he finds it difficult to say no to people, but that i'm an easy person to say 'no' to. he mentioned once how his partner nags at him for staying back late at work, but how work is important to him. so i guess there's tension on that front too. i sympathise with him because i know we are alike in outlook, so i get how difficult it is for him, especially when he's made it.

but at the same time, i need some safety in this relationship and he's no longer providing it. he didn't reply to my text. i really did expect that he would - he's very reliable that way. i don't think he's doing it intentionally, probably just forgot. but it's not something i need. i'll give him until tuesday to get his act into gear otherwise i'll text on wednesday letting him know about cancelling our next appt. i'll drop off payment for our last one when i see pdoc next (austin-t didnt charge because it was going to be covered by insurance, but it's not worth the effort of getting it approved if it's just a one-off session).

i dont know. i'm upset, but i'm trying not to be. it's just a loss, i guess. austin-t has made such a huge difference in my life. pdoc is awesome but austin-t just made things click. anyway. no point being sorry about potential. what i've been lucky to have so far has been good and i guess i'm thankful for that.

From all the details you gave in your reply, this sounds like a very reasonable conclusion.

Another point to consider: It sounds as though he isn't handling his life very well at this point. One thing I believe is important in a therapist is that he/she set a good example. It sounds like he is not doing that now, and perhaps not able to do that at present. So I doubt that he would be very helpful to you if you continue with him, unless he does get his act together pretty soon.

What you've just said is, indeed, probably the best that anyone could hope to do under the circumstances. You definitely have my sympathies, and I am so sorry that this had to happen. But I strongly suspect that you'll get past this. If my experience is any guide, there may very well be lingering hurt, but the "counting your blessings" attitude you have expressed is probably the wisest thing you can do to minimize the hurt.

((((((((( deli ))))))))) I am glad that you have been able to reason it out - and come to a good conclusion. Not emotionally, but logically - do you know, that sounds like a big advance doesn't it?
Even if it hurts for now.

Deli- I do think you have a good outlook and I like what you said about being thankful for what austin-t has given you, but this sounds painful anyway. To be taken off his private practice list and your spot given to someone else? And then dismissed as less imoprtant? I dont get it. Something doesnt add up. Can this be a money issue? He wants to see higher paying clients in pvt practice? That could make some sense.

yes, logical deli has stepped in. finally .

but it still hurts. "less important" is my own interpretation - my own perpetual concern. not worthy enough, valueless, not important etc. i'm in constant fear of being rejected on those grounds.

"too dependent" is also my phrase. what austin-t actually say was "more independent". but i think this is a moot point, they're flips sides of the same coin.

i do think it might come down to a money issue, which really really upsets me. i never asked for a concession, and i even tried to insist i would pay full fare. for whatever reason, austin-t decided to cut me some slack and that makes me pretty upset if he's now treating me as less valuable even though it was never my decision.

the other possibility is that he moved me (and only one other client, apparently) over to this hospital because we have other doctors who are working there. i see pdoc at the hospital regularly, so maybe it's easier for him to move me there than to move someone who doesnt have anything to do with the hospital there. it seems a bit suss though, if that is the reason.

i was a bit of a mess last night. i really, really did expect him to reply. he usually replies on the spot if it's between 9am-5pm, or on the hour if it's afterwards. i'm setting myself up for disappointment by telling myself i'll wait until tuesday, but i don't want to face the reality of him being unlikely to reply now. and at any rate, i'm probably over the stage of wanting to email him now.

i just feel really, really sad. and i'm being self destructive in a "F you!" kind of way. which is only hurting myself, i know. but whatever, i guess.

(((deli))) You didn't cause this to happen and your anger is so understandable! But be mad at him, not you

I'm sorry you are taking this out on yourself.
Please don't do that anymore. You don't deserve any of that.

I wonder if all the speculation is helping at all. You really need to find out from him what is going on.
Do you think he will be honest with you about it?

i don't know. austin-t is a funny one. he seems very committed to grand principles (be honest, eat right, be ethical etc) but the way they play out is not exactly consistent.

he might be honest, he might not. he might be partly honest - turn it around on me, and what he might say might very well be truthful, but not the motivating factor behind what is going on. i don't know.

but yes, what you said darkrunner does sound right. it doesn't seem right to quit based on my speculation & interpretation. i think i would regret it in the future. i'd much rather have it confirmed, or give austin-t a chance to remedy the situation if indeed i am correct. of course, the problem lies in whether i'm up to having an honest conversation about. i don't want to be vulnerable in that room. that's why i wanted to email, so there could be some distance. but now i don't know.

blah. poo on austin-t.

POO ON AUSTIN T!!!!

Double POO on Austin-t!

lol. thank you.

(Reading Austin-T the "Riot Act"!)

(((peaches))), thank you .

tomorrow is wed. if i'm going to cancel it has to be then. but now there is some distance from the emotion... chances are i'll just go back (easier) and also not bring it up (easier).

i wish someone would tell me what to do. i feel lost with this one.

Well....can you
1. Go see Austin-T
2. Be honest about how last session made you feel

??????

deli

go see him...be the adult that he is having trouble being..tell him that you are having problems with his inconsistencies and say what you need. be brave if only for the appt time...then you can run screaming out of there and hide your head.

it will make you feel better in the long run..you have worked so hard and come so far to let his issues drag you down. to cancel and wimp out (yeah i said the "W" word) would bother you forever because you will never know...this way if it is to end at least you know why and did your best to find a solution.

be stumpy strong if only for the session. do it girl. you can. to much is at stake. you have worked to hard & come to far to lose it all on him.

stumpy
can you hear the theme from rocky in the background?????

ahh, some stumpy tough love!!

here's the thing about deli. she's awesome at forgetting the details of conflict.

i know intellectually i was upset about something last week, but heaven knows what. i know i've written it out in this thread, but i haven't read it over. i'm feeling ok again. why go back and make myself upset?

i'm tempted to just continue along as if nothing happened. i'm good at doing that. going in and being stumpy-strong involves preparation, and i dont want to be upset when im also being strong. bugger that.

in my head, it's become as if austin-t didn't do anything, and i've just overreacted to something small. i dont know. this sucks.

How about this perspective: austin-t did something that bothered you (which happens sometimes in all relationships), and although it was difficult, you have dealt with it in your own mind, so now you can go on with the relationship, rather than burning bridges behind you.

(((((deli)))))

When is/was your appointment? If you haven't had it yet, I agree with those who say to be honest and don't just let it go. Austin-t's behavior toward you is not some "little thing". I think your minimizing its importance is a mistake. You deserve to have an explanation from him, otherwise I think it will crop up in the future and be unsettled, whether you see him or not. He has an obligation to explain what he meant, and what's going on!

Good luck!

I agree with Stumpy. I like the sentence that you are feeling that there are some inconsistencies here. Tell him how you feel and maybe give up the idea of preparation. It doesnt have to be conrolled and come out of your mother like a professional as long as the general gist comes out and you get your point across. He is good and he will get it. It looks like you expect so much of Deli. To do it and to do it perfectly and have it all planned out. What if you go in there without much preparation (except knowing how you feel0? Do you prepare much when you write a post to us? Do you mull it over and over and try to get it all right, punctuation and all? Well, I say go in there and wing it with Austin-t. It might be good for ya, Deli girl.

I also like very much to pretend things like this didnt happen so I dont have to confront them, but the more practice I got at doing what is hard, the easier it got. Just say it, let the words, as imperfect as they will come out, come out of your mouth.

I think everything Rainbow said is true..so instead of repeating it, I'll just point and say..."what she said..."

mhmmm, deli i agree 100%! From reading your posts in the past year or so, you minimize SO quickly. You were rightly upset, and need to talk to austin-t about it. re-read this thread. write down a few points that still make you mad. hand it to him if you need to.

blue, i need to prepare - not to make it perfect (although i would like that) - but because i've forgotten what actually happened, and the emotion is gone, so i can't even go in there and say something properly.

i guess i could go in and be like "intellectually, i know you upset me over what was said last week", but heaven knows what it actually was.

it's not about pretence. it's genuine forgetting. pdoc says that the brainwashing coming into play - something bad happens, i feel upset, the next day i genuinely doubt if what happened the day before even happened (if i even happen to remember it). so prepaparation would look like: reading this thread through. i guess i will have to believe most of it, because i think i typed it up shortly after. but maybe i exaggerated, so i'll have to leave room for that.

i dont know, it feels like taking on a stranger's problems and getting upset about that.

in psych we learn about episodic memory (you know, that sort of movie like feeling) - well, i don't have that (edit: about this incident; or most incidents which make me upset/angry). i'll have what's written in this thread, but anything beyond that...

so even if austin-t asks me stuff, i'll only have what was in this thread to go on. usually i cant remember extra details. my old-t would use it to then be like "Well, i dont remember that i did anything more wrong" and so then it becomes a non-issue. just deli acting up over something minute.

((((((velcro))))))) - long time no see .

i think writing a few points down is a good idea. that will help me a lot. maybe if i even print out my post or something then i can keep it in my bag in case i really forget. i wouldn't show it to austin-t, but maybe i could read over it and then tell him personally.

ME TOO! This happens to me. I really honestly do completely forget things that are really upsetting. And then I wonder...is it worth it to go back and try to figure it out and deal with it, or is it just OVER? It's so confusing.

yes, tree!! that's where i am right now. the "is it worth it" stage.

unlike many others here, i dont really make therapy about the relationship between client/therapist. i have "Real Life" things to deal with, so i typically don't address the relational stuff if it crops up. it feels awkward to bring this up, because it brings the focus onto something that i just want to take for granted. therapy is there to help me with the real world - i'm angry that i need to spend money i don't really have to address things that shouldn't even be cropping up. ugh.

but like rainbow said, it'll probably crop up again in the future if i dont address it. so maybe i should.

isn't this ironic, because you are so busy dealing with 'real life' stuff you've forgotten what happened, but what happened is because your T said you needed to be more 'independent'