assuming & mind reading

When I tell T "you probably get sick of my talking about this" or "I know you wanted me to work on this" or anything along those lines she will say, (a) you are making an assumption, and (b) you can't read my mind (she even has a more derogatory term for this, "magical thinking", which I find insulting, so T will use the other two words instead). And then we waste the next 10 minutes talking about cognitive distortions (again).

When I tell T about the time since last session, when someone did or said something that upset me, she will ask, why do you think he would say something like that? and it's all I can do to keep from blurting out, how the heck should I know? I am not a mindreader.

In my growing up years I had to become a very good reader of adults' faces, postures, voice tones, in order to be safe. It's a skill and actually I think I am pretty good at it.. but now I'm in my 50's and it's irritating to be told, after all these years, that I am engaging in distortions if I do the same now.

Why oh why do T's take both sides of the fence? sneeeky therapists

I can totally relate to this hun! Although and not always good at reading people. You've had a bit more practice than me hehe

LOL!! This is so true, and I relate to every word.

Arghh and LOL, at the same time!

Yes, I think this does happen. My t just yesterday told me to stop assuming things about how she thinks and feels.

But just last week, she told me she was proud of me because she had "felt anger" coming from an email message to her. (Because i could stand up for myself.) But isn't that an assumption? I don't recall that i was particularly angry writing the email.

I think we're all guilty of this. I know in my case, at least, I assume the worst at times, because I'm used to the worst coming form people. It's a strange thing, but in our relationship with our Ts, we have to learn to recondition our preconceptions about people in general. Thus is therapy, I suppose.

That is an interesting question, sawe.... It DOES seem like they take both sides, now that I think about it.

When I really pick it apart, it FEELS like it's okay with T if I assume GOOD or NEUTRAL intention in others' words and actions, but not okay if I assume negative intent. Well, my choice of words is poor...T would never say "that's not okay". But it feels like I'm more likely to get a "good work!" if I assume good or neutral intent and a raised eyebrow if I assume negative intent. Hmmm.

Maybe the idea here is that more often than not, people really DO have good or at least neutral intentions? And so there's no point in letting ourselves spiral out about negative stuff that we're most likely making up in our own heads??

Hmmm.....

YES - what's up with that?

I asked T once, what is the difference between my reading someone, and you making an interpretation with me? I don't remember that I got an answer to that one. Sneeeeeky therapists

Yeah!

What annoys me the most is when my T takes a statement like "You probably get sick of my talking about this" as if I literally mean it. What I'm really doing is being sort of bashful. I'm revealing my insecurity, and I'm vulnerable as I'm doing it. All I want is reassurance, and he damn well knows it.

And of course I'm not really attempting to read my T's mind or claim that I can. Talk about getting off track! That is just a totally pointless thing for him to bring up, and it's a cricitism of me that is stupid and baseless. I really hate being criticized for no reason, so I feel you about what your T is doing here. I totally think it's just inappropriate.

So ideally he'd respond, "Oh no, of course I don't get sick of you. I find you compelling and engaging and insightful. Please continue," or something like that. (Dream on!) Instead I get almost snapped at: "You're making an assumption about what I feel." And I feel like saying, look, you're the one who's always telling me that the emotion behind our words is what matters. You know I just want some human reassurance.

I hate having to be careful and literal with my language in therapy, when socially a "normal" person would get where I was coming from.

This is such an interesting question to me, Treehouse -- do people have mostly neutral or good intentions? And it's something I personally can't even bring up with my T, because he hates it when I try to draw broad conclusions about other people. Forget other people, he says.

But it's always been important to me, since I was a kid, to feel the world out and try to figure out what it's like. Is it hostile? Is it safe? How much can I control? What are people's intentions toward me? Am I acceptable? Do I fit in? Are people selfish? Are they interested in me? How should I approach them? Will they treat me well? Do they see me as an obstacle? Are people mostly selfish? Will they find me lovable? Do I attract persecution? Are other people evil? Is evil a true thing? Does love really exist?

These are basic questions about the nature of the world and my place in it, and I feel I have a right to explore them. These issues have always been anxiety-producing for me, and they comprise most of what has impelled me toward therapy in the first place. So I really resent it when my T vetoes any discussion of them. Ooh, must avoid judgments of others at all cost!

Since "reading people" was a survival skill, I read people for safety. In other words, probably bad intentions into most everyone. recently I made a very good presentation & the supervisor gave me a little gift - the card said thanks, good job, but I told T that I read that as "thanks for not embarrassing me by screwing up in front of everyone."

??

But you just said that you know that your T "damn well knows it."

Maybe he does in fact NOT know it -- even though he should.

Oh my gosh, me too sawe. I paid for the times I read people wrong.

But, as T likes to point out, I am an adult now, and have more power than I did then. I am *trying* to unlearn the "automatic negative" read of others...but it's a slooooooow process.

Just though of a current example of all of this in my therapy.

After things ended badly with teacher T, my default thought about it is "she KNOWS there is something wrong with me and doesn't want to be around me anymore" when T says that the reality is "she decided that she had made a mistake with her boundaries, and needed to change what she was doing". The first one places the "blame" on ME. The second one places the "blame" on HER. T insists the second one is closer to the truth, but it feels almost dangerous not to believe the first one.

((sawe))

Why don't you blurt that out?
Why exert all that effort to censor yourself in therapy?

It can be done in a respectful manner -- you can tell T "I really want to respond 'How would I know, I'm not a mindreader' ". Or even ask T about why she seems to contradict herself.

What would happen if you could let yourself be that free with T?

Right, Pachy -- I think he ought to know it by now. It's possible he's genuinely baffled by what I'm saying and the manner in which I'm saying it, and doesn't get that I just want reassurance. Which means he has low emotional intelligence. Which would not be a good sign in a T.

But it could also be that he totally gets what I'm doing, but he's interested in teaching me a lesson about how he wants me to present myself verbally. It could be his way of saying, Hey, if you don't know what I'm thinking or feeling, don't phrase it like you do.

If he's trying to change my behavior, that might be all right. I mean I'm there, at least in part, to learn from him. But I wish he would say it and not play dumb...sigh...

I feel like I kind of hijacked this with my own stuff. Sorry, Sittingatwatersedge!

kitten -

If you need reassurance, could you come right out and say those words? "I need reassurance".

I have learned that if I tell T what I need, I can almost always have it. But if he has to guess (even if it is RIDICULOUSLY obvious), I probably won't get it.

I don't know if you saw the "e-mail" thread, but I literally e-mailed T this morning and told him I needed him to think about me for a minute. Because I did.

In the end, I'm learning it's just easier to come out and say what I need. It felt REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE at first, but it's getting easier in a lot of ways...

Love this.

Believing the first one assigns power to you?? Believing the second one assigns "power" to her??

Treehouse, I like it! Good advice!

When I do that with my T, she looks up, thinking... and then says "I don't remember you asking me about that." lol.

I like the term 'magical thinking'. I learned it somewhere else, but it helps me see that I am often, if not always, trying to arrange a particular outcome.. all in my mind--magic!