crap disconnected session

Last night I had the worst session ever. I went into T with certain things in mind to talk about but we ended up getting stuck on this one topic which I meant to be just an update on my week, not the focus of the session! I just mentioned some issues at work.. I am terrified of one of my bosses, and I KNOW that I need to work on communicating with her and not avoiding her, but that is like a 10 in anxiety and I am not ready to go there! I am anxious even with people who are very nice, and I KNOW that if I confront this cold person I will tremble, cry, and make myself look like a fool. It WON'T be a good experience. I am NOT doing this yet, not until I'm confident I won't cry in front of her. Right now I am communicating well enough with her through email. It's not the best thing for me to do, but I am functioning this way.

But T jumped on this topic and kept hitting me with it over and over again, and I'm just like, NO. NO. NO. The session ended up going in circles because T and I butted heads so much, and I'm just thinking, give me time to think about this, I am NOT saying yes today, no matter what you say! Finally after we circled the topic a bunch of times I said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore!!" But by then most of the session had been wasted, and I had all these other things I'd been thinking about all week and I felt so frickin stupid because I started to choke up and almost cry and I'm thinking, "This is SO immature." I just felt naked, disappointed, sad, angry, lonely. I didn't get my connection with T that I normally get every week. I have no one else who is in tune with me at all in my life, and this week I didn't even have her. Ughhhhhh.

I could barely speak for the little time we had left, which is not like me. There were long awkward silences, and then we ended up talking about how I need to communicate when the session isn't going the way I want it to. She apologized for "bulldozing" me. That is exactly how I felt. But HOW am I supposed to pull the words up when I want the session to go differently? HOW do I even REMEMBER to say them? I don't even think about it. There was growing frustration that we were wasting my time, but I couldn't even really identify it as what it was. Besides, I had things in mind to talk about, but I didn't REALLY want to talk about them because they were trauma-related, so I was hoping to ease into them somehow, and if I had interrupted the session to go in a different direction, I wouldn't have been able to ease into them. Does this make sense to anyone?

Now I'm just going to feel stupid for the rest of the week about wasting the session because I lack assertiveness and can't ever say what I want, and I don't have any solutions for it, so I'll just be spinning in circles on this one. And now I just keep thinking about how my T feels bad for bulldozing me, and how she was apologizing like she hadn't done her job as well as normal. She apologized for not being as in tune with me. And I just want to call her and tell her it's not not NOT her fault, it's mine, I'm just immature and not any good at communicating my needs. I don't want her to feel bad. Knowing her, she probably really feels bad and is still thinking about it. It is part of what I like about her because I know she cares, but I don't want her to feel bad for something that is my fault. I just ughh. And now the things I planned to talk about that I didn't get to say are stuck in my head, too, looping and looping and looping with no place to go.

No sessions wasted. Only in hingsight can one see what was reallly going on underneath the verbal communication.

Jexa, you DID do it. It might have been later in the session than you wanted, but just to be able to access this and say it at ANY point in your session is huge. You didn't wait until you got home to figure out what had happened. You recognized it DURING THE SESSION, and you said something, and you and your T had the chance to talk about it, and she even recognized her part in it.

I know it's hard to see it right now, but from here, it looks like a really huge step.

I had a hard session with T on Thursday morning, and at one point he kept going ON and ON and ON about something I didn't want to hear, and I was curled up on the couch with my face covered and wishing it would stop and I finally managed to put out my hand and say really firmly "STOP". It was scary and hard..but he did stop, and looking back, I can see that it was a big deal, even though it just felt like crap at the time.

As for not covering what you wanted to talk about...that is a horrible feeling. I had an extra session on Friday for that very reason, but that is rarely possible, you know? What I am doing this weekend is writing a LONG e-mail to T...I have it saved in my drafts, and whenever I feel a spiral starting, I go and type whatever it is into the e-mail, save it, and let it go. I can't believe how well it's working. I am promising myself I will send it to T or bring it to T at my session, and I will. It helps to know that T will read all of these thoughts - it makes me able to write them down and let them go until I see T. Do you think that would help?

Therapy is SO HARD. I'm sorry you are feeling so down

You will get there. First comes awareness. Being aware of being frustrated may bring you right to being able to say you don't want to talk about "this". Or, "We'll have to agree to disagree right now because I want to talk about something else."

Those sessions that take off where we don't want them to go can often be very helpful down the road a bit. But at the time it doesn't feel so good. Feeling frustrated and not in control of it doesn't feel good.

Tree! What a wonderful idea about saving up the emails! I just hit send and then wish I did not sometimes but did. I am going to borrow that idea! And also way to go on saying STOP! WOW!

Jexa - if you don't have email as an option and you are too many days away and it is bringing you down too much, I think a call is certainly justified! Just to clear the air so you can move forward with the rest of the days until T time.

(((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))

It really sucks to have a session like that.

I totally agree with Tree when she said,
I had a session like that with T last week, and I wasn't able to say it at all. If you can, try to feel good about that at least.

Also, when I had my appointment this week, I really noticed a difference in my T. She was quieter, she let me lead a little more, she gave me time to think, she didn't take over the conversation or push topics on me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you have a good T who cares, and it sounds like you do, she will take what she learned from your 'crap' session and apply it to every other appointment you have with her.
Though I understand your feelings of guilt about making her feel bad, I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that you've communicated to her the best way she can help you. And since she cares so much she will always remember that.

Be kind to yourself....and I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Jexa,

I was thinking about this a little bit more. The times when my T has really "bulldozed" me have been times when he's really been concerned for my well being, or has wanted me to feel better "NOW" because it's hard for him to see me suffer. I know it is coming from a place of (probably too much) caring when he does that. He loses his "therapeutic stance" for a bit, you know?

Your T cares about you a lot. I wonder if she got caught up in "helping" instead of remembering to let you find your own way?

At my last session with T, I said something about him being nice to me and his reply surprised me...he said something about being "too firm" sometimes. I was like...really?! It feels weird when we sense that our T's regret something they did with us. So I totally get what you are saying about feeling bad about T feeling bad.

Here are some more

(((((Jexa)))) I loved reading your replies. I agree- You really did do it tho it was toward the end of the session. I agree with Tree that maybe she had wanted to go in this direction with you (asserting yoursefl with this cold boss) and found her opportunity, tho she wasnt allowing you to lead. She had taken your, "no, no, no" in a way she could have done differently. She could have allowed you to say no. The fact that you did says you WERE trying.

I so understand that frustration with not being able to go where you want to go. And to really want to try to ease into a subject. But if you brought it up as a chnage in subject, it would come up a different way. I think the big, HUGE risk here is to say exactly what we want, that is if we can figure that out in the moment.

For instance, Ive said to ftt that I want to change directions, but I am afraid to go to this subject. You could simply say that you want to change the subject, you want to ease into a difficult subject but arent sure how. Or, "T, I am having this growing frustration that we are wasting my time b/c I dont want to talk about this boss anymore, Im not going to do this now with her."

You cant imagine how I understand T wanting me to do something I just will not be doing anytime soon. When any T starts listing what I should be eating I immediately want to say, "Lets move on, Im not eating that, dont bother trying, its a waste of time."

From the sound of the session, it sounds real difficult and T sounds like she wasnt in tune with you and if she was going to hear you you would have had to say something real loud and clear. You did say something, but it seems not loud or clear enough because she was in bulldozing mode. So....it isnt as if it is YOUR fault and not hers. Can you get in touch with her this week to talk it over a little further? I am SURE you will feel much better.

Oh my God thanks everyone for your replies. I'm not in a place right now to comment about everyone's posts but thanks for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Hey Jexa, I agree with the others. You did do a good job. You told her that you didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm curious about how you don't want her to take any responsibility for what she did at the session?

She sounds like a good therapist. She saw what happened and she took responsibility for her part in it and apoligized.

gee, wouldn't it be something to just reply, yes, you did; and because you did, I have just lost 75% of the hour that is costing me $$$. How about a 45 minute extension, or a rebate ????

It seems only fair. Just MHO of course..... oh but grrrrrr

so sorry Jexa

Jexa, this awareness that you have, the awareness of what happened in session, is awesome! This awareness will lead you to where you want to be. Often the frustration is a necessary part of the process. Just as a seed first disintegrates before it grows into a beatiful rich green stem with leaves and a flower.

I have found that due to increasing frustrations with t I have had to communicate more directly, be more assertive, etc. And as a result of the direct communication of my needs t has had to step up to the plate.

Hang in there

Okay so normally I like to reply to each person, but I don't think I can do that right now. Thanks all for your replies.

I really didn't think I had "done it" but I guess I did. Thanks all for pointing that out. T was saying toward the end that I need to communicate more with her.. so I took that to mean, I did a really awful job today communicating. But it's the first time I EVER told her I didn't want to talk about something, so it really was a step. Maybe I should tell my T that.. well, I don't think I could do that. That is, tell T that I think I did take a step toward communicating with her in our last session. Why is it so scary to just BE with her? Even with my T who I've trusted with such secret stuff, I still can't say what's on my mind. But this is beating myself up again. I did try. I did.

I wish I could be free with my T like I'm free online. I am more honest here than I ever am IRL. I don't know why it's so much easier here. I wouldn't want her to read what I write here. A few sessions ago we started to talk about PC in session and I did NOT want to talk with her about what I post about! I didn't want her to hear what I write when I write about T. I didn't want her to hear me uncensored. Why? I am so secretive, from everyone, I hole away, no one knows me, not even T. There is not one person in my life who knows me.

And it's true I want to protect my T.. in a way. Maybe I want to just be ALLOWED to be f***ed up sometimes, with no one getting frustrated or upset with me, with no one trying to change me. I'm so tired of trying to change. I just want to cave in. I know T's are supposed to help us find our own way and not change us but they DO get frustrated with us and this relationship is this big exposure of every failure. I want to hide. Sannah maybe that is why I don't want her to take responsibility. I just want to be an island, just want no one to influence me or even be a part of my life. I'm ALWAYS trying to be different, ALWAYS trying to "get better," and it just doesn't work very well and is so chronic for me and is so much a part of me at this point that I just want to say, "FINE, IT'S MY FAULT. LEAVE ME ALONE." I want to take responsibility so I can say.. I controlled this. Or maybe not, that doesn't seem to answer the whole thing but I can't think of another solution at this point.

If somene has influence over me I am vulnerable to violations. Any sort of influence/control/authority makes me vulnerable to being violated.

Being in control helps me avoid being in a vulnerable position.
To let go of the control there must exist a considerable amount of trust.

Communicating my needs exposes me to the possibility of my needs being dismissed, belittled, shamed, invalidated, etc. I need to fully trust that t won't do any of this. The trust will build one deposit at a time. You will communicate and she will hear you and this will happen repeatedly until you will feel safe to let go of some of the secrecy/control/inhibitions. It's ok to hold onto it until you sense you are safe. Trust your gut instincts.

Just some thoughts.

P.S. We are here to support you; thank you for allowing us to support you without receiving individual responses We are glad to support in this way. (How arrogant of me to speak for the others...)