did I survive?

So, started trauma work again with T yesterday. I guess I don't have to say it was hard, it always is.

At one point T said to me something she has said before, that I have to remember I survived the trauma. I survived it physically and I can survive it emotionally, too. I had this moment and looked at her and said "I don't know if I survived..."

Obviously I physically survived, but I am just as sure that a part of me died that night and maybe I need to mourn or grieve for that loss? I don't know.

There was a lot in this session, more than I will type here. I will just say that my T was very present with me and as empathetic and compassionate and steady as ever. In so many ways it's healing to me to have her be there, a consistent and caring witness to my horror.

When I was leaving I said "I can call you, right?" So she smiled and said, "of course you can call me" and I said "I just need to hear you say that, I don't know why". She asked if I need to hear that every week, and I said yes. It is so odd and validating to be able to have a need, state it, and have that need met. I can't think when I have ever had that in my life before now.

So she said "hey, zooey? Call me this week, ok?" and we both smiled and I left.

I feel like the emotional backlash from the session still has not hit me, although my sleep was even more disturbed than usual last night. I'm kind of just feeling sad and alone and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sure that flashbacks and terror and all the rest are just lurking around the corner, to jump out at me any minute now.

Try not to think about what's lurking around the corner, ok? You did some amazing work and you should try to focus on that. Pat yourself on the back. It is SO SO difficult to state a need, and you did that. And you got that need met. Awesome.

ps. I think you did survive, but I also agree that there is a small part of us that dies during such trauma. And it's okay to grieve that part while also honoring the ways that you survived.

((((((((((zoo))))))))))

It sounds like you were really brave during your session. It's hard to pull this stuff out and look at it...but you're right, there is something so healing about finally having a witness. You are working hard.

Can you try to be in the now, and not worry about the flashbacks? Sometimes when I've processed "enough" for right now in therapy, the flashbacks leave me alone. They tend to push at me more when I'm avoiding stuff.

And yay for asking to have a need met and having it met! That's been one of the most life-changing parts of therapy for me. I'm getting really good at doing that with T, and even learning to do it out in the real world. It feels really good.

Lots and lots of hugs, zoo

Hey Z, good work!!

zoo, yeah I struggle with too...glad your T was really there for you.

thanks for your replies. I'm struggling a little but trying to use my mindfulness skills and stay in the moment. I'm ok, I keep telling myself that. I'm ok.

Zooropa, I am happy you got your needs met by your T. That is a good feeling yet sometimes can be confusing if you are not used to getting what you need. Yeah....

As far as surviving the trauma. I think this is different for everyone. I think is also depends on how you look at it. I will give you my example, and maybe it can help you detmine how you feel about your trauma. Me, I feel that my childhood died since my abuse, neglect...all that other bad stuff happened when I was so young. That child, I don't feel died though, she was hidden inside because she didn't know how else to survive the trauma. So maybe part of it did die and yes you probably will need to grieve that loss. Also maybe it didn't or depending on how you look at it part of did.

I hope this helps. I would bring this up again with T. maybe some brainstorming about this with T will help define it more. Good luck and keep us posted.

Zoo it sounds like you have someone who is will to listen and be there for you as you heal from this trauma. Maybe when the yucky stuff comes, you can mourn what you've lost but at the same time feel the warmth of what you've gained.

At times insight strikes me and I realize...if I hadn't suffered, I would have never known some of the really wonderful people I now know.

(((Zoo))) trauma work is just that - work. You are brave for doing this. And it is awesome your T is right there with you to process it with you.