manufacturing a rupture

lauren_helene · Feb 28, 2010, 09:26 PM

I haven't posted here in awhile. But I happen to feeling as the original poster is right now. I've said things like "you would care for a few days if I died"...no response. Ha! Just what I love and am attached to...coldness in my therapist.

No seriously, I'm sure there is a lesson here somewhere. We've been together almost four years and have made it through some heavy stuff. But lately, I'm starting to come apart...not sure why.

Anyway, you may be manufacturing a rupture but that might be a good thing? Maybe it means you are making more progress than you realize?

BlueMoon6 · Feb 28, 2010, 11:32 PM

((((((Tree))))))

When T says something nice to me or tells me that the things I believe about myself are caused by a childhood filled with abusive language toward me, it makes sense. But when I really am challenged to believe it about myself and live my life as if I am worthy I feel like a fake. Like Im faking it and everyone can see that. Like I am this pretend person with confidence and friends but I feel like "Oh, they just like the person they THINK I am." I like what your T said about believing it 10% and then 20% but how do you go from 10 to 20? I take it in and it seems to bounce off this brick wall inside of me. Its as if on the other side of this brick wall is all this shame, like

I just can so relate, Tree to what you are talking about. I also dissociate and get far away when I hear things like that said to me, even from my husband. But I SO agree with Zoo, it is such a HUGE success for you to sit there with T and not dissociate, even if you cant take it all in and believe it. This is success, Tree. And you are making SO much progress. Im in awe

Mar 01, 2010, 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

You know, I really believe that my T wouldn't lie to me. He has shown me before that he will be honest about things that are difficult, and he has gently refused to say things that I have asked him to say that he doesn't agree with (mostly things about little Tree and the CSA).

But, oh my gosh, it is SO HARD to sit there and take it when he says kind things. It's hard to open up and let them in...honestly, if I can just stay there and not dissociate it feels like a success.

((((((((((jbmomg))))))))) I bet after 10 years of working together, your T wouldn't lie to you.

T and I have been working on this "10%" thing. I try to believe the new thoughts 10% of the time and just allow myself to hold the old thoughts for the other 90%. It's less overwhelming for me and less likely to send me into a tailspin. The idea is that once I get used to 10%, I'll be able to try 20%, and then 30% and so on. I wonder if you could believe what your T says is true just 10% of the time? What if you really let yourself OWN the kind things he says 1 out of every 10 times he says something?

OMG, that is great, I like your t's and your idea...small steps so to speak... and thanks for the hugs!!!! Ya, he has hung in there through out everything,,,he even has said he likes to talk to me...

FooZe · Mar 01, 2010, 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

... when I really am challenged to believe it about myself and live my life as if I am worthy I feel like a fake. Like Im faking it and everyone can see that. Like I am this pretend person with confidence and friends but I feel like "Oh, they just like the person they THINK I am."

Blue, what would the test be for whether you're really a fake or you only feel like one?

For instance, the test for whether a $100 bill is a fake is, was it printed by the Treasury or not? Even if it's faded and worn and crumpled and doesn't look convincing, if it turns out to be from the Treasury it's real money and you can exchange it for a prettier one at the bank.

If that question is too close to home for you then try this one: what would your test be for whether someone else is a fake?

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If I'm not a real fake, I must be a fake fake.

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