[fallenangel337]

This is a weird question, but what do you look at during your sessions? I've heard a lot of people talking about looking at shoes, windows, etc. What has your attention?

My T doesn't have any windows in her office (thankfully), so that's out. She's smart about it...she doesn't have anything interesting in my direct line of sight that I can look at. If I look slightly to my right, I see the clock, which I don't like, and there's just a wall to my left, so that doesn't help. Unless I want to have my head between my knees the whole time, I don't have any choice but to look at my T. I'm not complaining, though. I need to work on eyes contact.

[googley]

I tend to look just over my T's right shoulder. I can still see her in my line of sight, but it keeps me from having to look right at her. I also want to avoid her eyes. It feels like if I looked her in the eyes then she could see things I don't want her to know. That she could see how awful I really am and then she'd agree with all my awful thoughts about myself.

[ECHOES]

When I look away (I love looking at her) I don't always look at something. But... there is a large window with trees and an occaisional bird or squirrel behind T, although now in the winter it is dark and I see my reflection. There is a dollhouse, tons of figures/dolls for it and shelves of other toys for the kids. There a really interesting table with a drawer that has a lock and the key (like an old skeleton key) in the lock. She has a couple of nice pictures on the wall, but I can't see them from where I sit. I sit so I can't see the clock because I'm a clock-watcher.

[Christina86]

Hahaha.

My psychiatrist has a window that looks onto a busy street on campus. And the ceilings are kinda crooked (it's not a square office) and he's got a painting behind him that he and one of his daughters made that is pretty cute...

So much stuff to look at that's NOT. HIM.

(Which I am fine with, I'm slightly ADD at times and it helps to have distractions for me).

As for my therapist...

Well, the room is pretty boring. But it has a mirror in it, so I wind up looking at myself in it for a lot of the time. And it doesn't help that we're in a borrowed room, so occassionally the phone will ring until someone else in the building answers it elsewhere. I don't particularly like looking at her when I'm talking.

[WePow]

Like Googley, I tend to look just a little bit over my T's right shoulder. Not sure why at all. I love to look in his eyes because he is so kind and honest. It makes me feel safe to see his eyes. Like he can actually SEE me when no one in the universe can! :-) But if I start to disclose, I tend to move my gaze just a little and do find my eyes drift over his right shoulder. Or maybe right next to his right ear! LOL !! Interesting post!

[zooropa]

I'm glad you started this thread! I've wondered if I was the only one who doesn't look directly at T all the time. I have a really hard time with that, I try to look at her but like googley said I feel that having eye contact will show her more about how I'm feeling than I want her to know, and that somehow she will know something that I'm trying to keep inside? <---edit to add, this is especially true when I'm talking about something really difficult or disclosing new info. I really can't look at her at all then.
Anyway. There's a window I can look out of and see part of a building and some sky. Or there's a bookshelf, with a clock among the books. I wonder how many times I've stared at that bookshelf and the spines of those same books...
On the wall on the other side of where T sits there's a tapestry type thingy hanging but I don't look at that too much.
It seems like I'm usually looking at my feet or my hands or the rug.
I also bring my dog to session with me so that's always something to look at, lol!

[splitimage]

I look at my T mostly, but occassionally if we're doing something really hard - I look past her on the left, and stare at her diploma's and licence on the wall. She does have a window - with nice big trees outside that I'll sometimes look at, if I need a break, but I physically have to turn my head to do that, and I don't know - it feels rude, whereas I can look past her at her diplomas, by just refocussing my eyes, so it doesn't feel so much like specific avoidance on my part.

--splitimage

[Typo]

I often look at T, or T's desk, it is always a scattered mess and has lots of diffrenty trinkets or art work her younger patients made for her, T's office is very bright and happy and there are random things everywhere, so it's very hard to focus on T..

[fallenangel337]

Is mine the only T without a window? xD

I actually prefer not having a window. I don't like them...I have no clue why.

[polarsmom]

My T's office has all kinds of things around for me to look at. His desk is on one side of the room, there is a small table between two chairs opposite of me and a shelf on the other side of the room. So there is always stuff that catches my attention. For the most part I look at him while we are talking. But sometimes I focus on the pattern of the sofa pillow if the session is a difficult one.

[(JD)]

It's good conversation and etiquette to look at the person to whom you are speaking.
Do you stare at the floor or objects in a room when you are talking with others?
Try really hard to look your T in the eyes when either of you are speaking, it strengthens the therapeutic process.

[WePow]

Sky - thanks for saying this. I had to laugh though because yes - yes I do try to avoid eye contact with others! LOL at self. A big part of that for me though is the deep rooted shame due to CSA that I am working through. But I do make an extra effort to look T in the eye.

One other thing to consider though is cultural differences if those apply.

Here is good info from wiki - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_contact

[mightaswelllive]

For some reason I've always made an effort to NOT look at T's desk. It seems to me that that's their space and I'm always afraid I might see something about someone (even though I'm sure they are good about that stuff). I usually look at the plant or out the window - she works downtown so she's got a very picturesque view of the city. Other than that I will memorize my scarf or my hands a lot.

[Typo]

T's office has a window fallenangel, but it looks out to an alley that divides between the office building where T is, and an apartment complex, so she keeps the blinds drawn. lol I am glad I would probably get distracted by the window lol./

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by _Sky

It's good conversation and etiquette to look at the person to whom you are speaking.
Do you stare at the floor or objects in a room when you are talking with others?
Try really hard to look your T in the eyes when either of you are speaking, it strengthens the therapeutic process.

I do agree with what you're saying here, but at the same time, I feel that it's ok to not always follow the rules "etiquette" when I'm in session with T. It's not the same relationship I have with anyone else and I don't interact with her the same way I do with anyone else. I also don't talk about my trauma with other people, or let them see my anxiety, or cry in front of them, or or or...

When my T is speaking, I look at her and make eye contact. When I am speaking, I usually look at the floor somewhere over by her. She wears a lot of different shoes I try not to look at the clock since she notices me doing that and she thinks I am always waiting for a chance to run out of there. Sometime I should maybe tell her it is actually because I don't want to take up more of her time than I am allowed.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by ripley

When my T is speaking, I look at her and make eye contact. When I am speaking, I usually look at the floor somewhere over by her. She wears a lot of different shoes I try not to look at the clock since she notices me doing that and she thinks I am always waiting for a chance to run out of there. Sometime I should maybe tell her it is actually because I don't want to take up more of her time than I am allowed.

this made me stop and think, ripley. I guess when T is speaking, I do usually look at her, too, unless I am really distressed. It's when I am speaking, especially if it's about something difficult, that I look away. When she's doing the talking I look at her, I want her to know I'm listening. Usually.

[fallenangel337]

I'm the same. I look at her when she's speaking always, but my eyes tend to wander while I'm speaking.

The first time we talked about my si, though, I literally did not even glance at her the whole session...it was bad.

yosemite. off to the right. she has a framed picture of it and i have spent many hours exploring there...

i'm getting better at eye contact...t knows when i begin to drift off in the wilds of the woods and pulls me back

[deliquesce]

a part of it is cultural, for me. even though i live in australia i've been brought up with the notion that you show respect by averting your gaze. (edit: thus, i make frequent eye contact with my friends, but avert gaze from boss/lecturers/health professionals etc).

the other thing is that i find it very difficult to think when i am looking at the other person, so i often shift my gaze then.

which then leads to not many eye contact moments in therapy with pdoc or austin-t. pdoc tends to follow my gaze and comments on whatever i'm looking at. often my bag, or my shoes, or his shoes. sometimes the other chairs in the room. it's funny because he gives them all different personalities and shows me how they all have faces.

i don't know if i ever really "look" at anything though. it just happens to be the place on which my gaze falls. all of pdoc's offices have windows, but we usually draw the blinds because people would otherwise see in.

i have had a few previous therapists challenge me on my lack of eye contact, and that's become one of my flags for knowing i won't work well with that person.

[jexa]

I'm usually staring at my fingernails, or the hem of my shirt which I'm playing with, or buttons on my shirt which I'm playing with, or whatever it is I'm using to fidget that session.

I have trouble with eye contact in normal life and I have an extreme difficulty with eye contact in T. When discussing difficult topics, I often have head to knees or hands over face for the whole time we're talking. If particularly difficult, I may not even look at her when she's talking. She says it's okay. We're going to work on it. I know it's good etiquette, and in the rest of my life I try and have been doing pretty well with eye contact, but she's my T. I talk to her about extremely difficult things, very very shame-filled things, and I am not going to be hard on myself for my difficulty with meeting her eyes.

My last T was hard on me about my lack of eye contact. She and I did NOT work well together. I am so glad my current T understands that eye contact is something we have to WORK toward, not something I can just DO. She understands how hard I push myself, and she BELIEVES me if I tell her that we've gotten into territory that is too difficult for me. Thank God for her.

[Yoda]

I usually look at my T hair because she has pretty blonde hair.

When I am in the Pdoc office I look at my notes then look at my med list then look at what is on his computer then go back and write on my notes then make revisions to my med list when he changes things.... It stays pretty busy. Oh - I did notice on my last visit that he has a new clock that says, "Save a horse. Ride a psychiatrist". I laughed.

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by yoda

oh - i did notice on my last visit that he has a new clock that says, "save a horse. Ride a psychiatrist". I laughed.

That is EPIC!

[Ascension]

I may be in the minority here about this, but I don't see anything wrong with not making direct eye contact with your T if you feel more comfortable looking else where. Sometimes eye contact can trigger nervousness and the important thing is to communicate the issue. If you feel too vulnerable to make eye contact when talking about something particularly sensitive or intimate then do what you have to talk through it. Also early on in any relationship, it can be hard to make eye contact until you have some familiarity. I do however think that learning to develop eye contact is an invaluable skill and hard for many people who struggle with mental illness. In short, make eye contact when at all possible but don't sacrifice the communication process at the expense of social etiquette (i.e. looking your T in the eye) because they understand and you aren't the only one who doesn't make eye contact.

[kitten16]

Great topic. The eye contact thing is so weird for me. My T has excellent eye contact, which makes me feel connected to him. His gaze is always just sort of burning into me, which can be uncomfortable. But it would be super annoying if he were trimming his nails during our sessions instead of looking at me.

I have trouble with where to rest my gaze, both when I'm speaking and when we fall silent. He rarely initiates conversation, and I don't always have paragraphs of responses, so there is lots o' silence sometimes. I notice that I sort of pin him to his chair with my eyes -- I focus just beyond the armrest on his right side, and then my eyes jump to exactly the same spot on his left side. It's kind of rhythmic, like I'm trying to sew him into the chair with webbings of my eye movements.

If there's anything different about the room, I'll fasten on that for a while. There was a book lying next to his chair that hadn't been there before, so I stared at that quite a bit last time.

There's also a sprinkler head way up high on the vaulted ceiling. I'm always looking at it. I'm sure it must seem that my eyes are wandering around like a crazy person's, but my T hasn't mentioned it yet (though he does mention it when I roll my eyes).

I often find myself raking T's body with my glance, in a completely unconscious way. I just suddenly realize my eyes have been sweeping around from his shirt to his knees to his shoes and back up to his calves, or even (God forbid, but it's happened) his pelvis. And then I realize it must look kind of rude! He never does it to me! (He's great looking too, which doesn't help -- aargh, that's for another thread though )

Another thing about eyes -- when I do look at my T, I tend to look at his right eye exclusively. The couple of times that I tried to look at his left eye also, and to sort of go back and forth and give them equal time, it made me feel like I was drowning. So weird. But it felt deeper, and I want to try it again sometime. It's just very difficult. I don't know why the eyes are so powerful.