T's who want us to keep secrets because the truth is uncomfortable for them

I've been reading, here and elsewhere, about T's who are unable or unwilling to face the discomfort of helping us look at our own behavior in relationships because the truth makes them uncomfortable. My previous T was one of these T's, and our relationship ended when she terminated my treatment for telling her about something I had done -- something she would have preferred not knowing because, as she phrased it, "If you hadn't told me I wouldn't have had to terminate your treatment because I never would have known about it and everything would have been ok."
As an abuse survivor, I believe that such secrets are NOT ok, and my own integrity was important to my healing, so hiding this wasn't an option. Basically, what it came down to was that I was punished for being honest about what I had done.
I've seen that happen to others as well, and it's extremely painful and confusing when a T encourages us to keep secrets about our behavior, especially when we need to be able to confront those behaviors which we repeat in destructive ways in relationships. Fortunately, I currently have a long-term T relationship with a wonderful T who is safe, ethical, professional and very caring, and a few years ago I wrote an article about our relationship and about the importance of honesty in therapy. The article is here on psychcentral (slightly edited for length I think) and it's also on another mental health site (unedited). A few days ago another member asked me to post the links and start a thread about this topic because it's a topic that few people really want to face, so here are the links and hopefully we can all have an honest discussion about honesty in therapy!

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/acc...out-ourselves/

http://mentalhealth.about.com/od/psy...confession.htm

Wow great stuff! I don't have much to add because I've not told my T anything that would make her uncomfortable. Partially because I have major trust issues and partially because I don't have any major secrets.

I've never run into this problem, probably because I don't do anything that would cause a t to feel that uncomfortable and I don't keep secrets from them. I'd say if you are an adult doing something that you think might need to be kept secret because it could be that uncomfortable for your t that he might terminate you, you might need to consider what you are doing. I mean, if you are stalking your t, for instance, hopefully you would realize that it isn't appropriate behavior and knock it off. Somewhere in there Jiminiy Cricket needs to be listened to. Heck, that's a lesson I teach my own children and my students. If it doesn't feel right when you do it, it's probably not right.

Now, if the secret is something from your past that you need therapy to help you work through, that's different. Abuse survivors hold lots of those kinds of secrets, but in those cases, we haven't really done anything wrong to begin with and I can't see a t terminating because of that type of thing anyway. If they did, that would be screwy.

Now, if I was a therapist and I had a client reveal to me that they had molested a child or something of that matter, that would be a huge challenge. Would I work with a perpetrator? I don't know. My t ran into this very thing some years ago. He had always said he wouldn't work with a perpetrator, but he was assigned a case and didn't have any option. He said he learned a lot; actually acquired some sympathy for the compulsion the man dealt with day in and day out (that doesn't mean he condoned what the man did in any way). But now that he's in his own practice, he says he turns down such cases.

Secrets make me VERY uncomfortable. I was asked to keep secrets CONSTANTLY growing up...I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about the CSA, I wasn't allowed to tell my dad about the physical abuse from my mom or she would kill me (I had NO reason not to believe her), I wasn't allowed to tell the neighbors about my brother's numerous arrests, I wasn't allowed to tell Dad how much money Mom spent...almost EVERYTHING was a secret in the end.

I literally never ask my kids to keep secrets. If I do something stupid and they want to tell someone, well, that sucks for me. There are things I WISH they wouldn't tell other people - like the fact that I am in AA, or in therapy - but if they do, they do. I probably take it too far in the other direction, but I truly truly truly hate the idea of asking my kids to keep a secret.

If T asked me to keep a secret...oh my gosh, I don't know WHAT I would do. I hope I would have the strength to find a new T. T has never asked me to keep a secret, and I hope he never does. I have told him things that have been really hard for me (like the fact that I've googled him or looked at his FB friends) and he always handles it with such grace and acceptance.

Interesting topic...

Hi Farmergirl, I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, due to dissociation, impulse control is a huge problem for me at times because I don't always have the luxury of feeling that something isn't right when I'm doing it. When I'm detached and numb, feelings often need time to "catch up" to me, while at other times I'm so overwhelmed by powerful feelings that I can't stop myself from acting on them and that's why I'm in long-term therapy - to understand why I have so much trouble in this area and to gain control of impulsive and compulsive behaviors. I wish it were as simple as just not doing something... that would be awesome.

Treehouse, I agree with the you about secrets. Glad you also have a T who handles google and FB issues as well as mine does!

Thank you Field for the link. I agree that honesty with T is the ONLY way to get the medical help a person needs. It makes as much sense to keep a secret from T as it would be if a doctor said "Now don't tell me if this hurts."

I honestly do not get a T who would reject honesty.

My thought on such things is always: so if you present as too "sick" then you will be abandoned to your fate...

Good point, Pachyderm. If all T's turned down the "sickest" individuals because they were the ones most likely to cause discomfort for the T, then those who probably need therapy the most would never receive treatment.

Just for the record -- because I don't want this "secret" to get blown out of proportion -- the reason I was terminated by my previous T was because another patient and I (T had introduced me to this patient) drove past T's house one night. The problem was that T lived in my neighborhood, introduced me to this other patient so we might become friends, and then when we did become friends, T made me responsible for her privacy by telling me not to bring this patient near her house -- which was all but impossible when my kids played with T's neighbor's kids and this patient and I were together one evening when I needed to pick my kids up. So, out of respect for T's feelings, I felt it was wrong to hide this information from her (besides the fact that the patient already knew where T lived anyway because it was listed in the phone book but somehow I was responsible for not telling her) so I told T we had driven past her house. For that, I was terminated. But it was actually a blessing in disguise because I have an awesome T now and old T was eventually disciplined by the licensing board for something else unethical she apparently did with another patient.

Hopefully this wont offend anyone, but a few have mentioned telling their T that they googled them.

I googled mine when I started seeing her. Was just curiousity - & I google all doctors I see as well to make sure theyre all above board etc.

The way I see it, there really isnt anything wrong with that. Do peoples T's really not want them to do that?

Wow. That is wrong on so many levels.

Your T shouldnt have introduced you to another client in my opinion. (not sure if thats ethical?) but she definitely should not have made you responsible for this other client. Also the fact that you werent stalking her, just picking up your kids..... that is ridiculous! People like that shouldnt be T's. Im glad you found a new good one!

Thanks, Ahc82. Yeah I don't see anything wrong with googling T's either, and neither does my T. His only concern about it when I google him is that I tend to get sidetracked by extraneous information about him and his family and their various activities and educational pursuits, and then I feel unimportant and worthless, and then I think he can't possibly care about me because I'm worthless and bad, and... well, you get the picture. My internet activities tend to derail my therapy when I get focused on him and his family, and that's what concerns him -- not the fact that I google him.
And yes, there are plenty of T's out there who shouldn't be T's. A major focus of any kind of therapy is to change our behavior, and how can we do that when we need to fear our T's reaction or we need to be responsible for their feelings?

Maybe this reply should be in my thread, but I just started typing it here...

i'm sorry but, I, ironically, am going to be the one to disagree. I am going through this situation and I've gotten a lot of replies on my thread and while I am thankful for the support I don't agree with the majority of them. I can't speak for the poster's situation or their T, but I know my situation and I can tell you that my being honest did not get me in "trouble." My therapist is using the information I've told her towards my treatment, whether it be with her or not. Her decision is based on my best interest and whether or not she feels she can help me. She would be unethical if she kept me on not feeling like she could continue to help me. Yes, she has taken partial responsibility for putting her information out there, and she is questioning how she will develop relationships with new patients. She is questioning the whole facebook thing too. But just because the information is there does not give us the right to go look at it. Just because your child has a journal sitting on their nightstand does not give you the right to look through it. There is a general curiosity and concern for your safety, yes. So maybe googling your T in the beginning is ok. But once you gain trust in your T, what is it your looking for? Driving to a T's house is crossing a line. Spending hours on facebook trying to beat the system of privacy like I did is crossing a line. I'm learning to take responsibility for my actions and not blame everything on my T and you all should too. Me telling my T about what I did was for purposes of MY treatment. Thankfully, I think she and I are going to do some repair work. Being honest with your T doesn't get you in trouble, it gets you the help you need and that may not be what your T can give you. Understand that you may be "too sick" for your T but that doesn't mean that there is no where for you to go. It just means that the practice your T does is not enough for you. I apologize for being so blunt but i feel i have the right since i am in the situation as we speak, and in order for me to repair this with T i need to take responsibility for myself and NOT blame it on her. She wouldn't have a reason to consider terminating if I did not engage in inappropriate behavior. She was doing her job, I was not. I'm hearing everywhere that this is not my fault and I don't deserve this, but I do. and THAT is how I am able to keep this relationship with my T....because I understand that concept.

Krazibean, I'm glad to see that she has taken partial responsibility and that you are confident that you can follow her requests to stay away from anything you might find out about her, even inadvertently, on the internet. I was once very confident in my own ability to do that, and I failed, because my confidence was based on a desperate need for acceptance from my T and I literally thought I could do anything she asked me in order to keep her from getting rid of me. I was wrong. Fortunately I now have a T who recognizes that we often repeat patterns of behavior we learned when we were very young, and that's what we are working on because transference and reenactments are a major source of information for our T's. We can't work on those things without having the opportunity to make mistakes along the way and not fear being abandoned for those mistakes. I wish you luck and I hope that your confidence is truly yours. Mine wasn't.

I just want to say a few things.

If a T doesn't want her clients driving by her house then it is her responsiblity to be unlisted in the phone book or on the internet. The T needs to make that boundary. Transference is a powerful thing and it is natural to want to know more about the person you are confiding in.

So true, Emilyjeanne. Transference can be powerful enough to cause brief psychotic-like episodes of fear, anger, or even a form of delusional "love" that only exists in the patient's mind... but the patient does not understand that he/she is experiencing a psychotic-like episode while in that state of powerful transference. A T who is fearful of intense transference reactions should not, in my opinion, be treating patients who were severely abused and traumatized in childhood, because we tend to have intense transference reactions. A T who can't deal with it inadvertently sets us up to be blamed for unconscious reenactments that we don't understand and don't always have the power to control until we have the opportunity to understand it in the safety of a competent T.

I'm glad things are working out for you with your t, and I applaud you for taking responsibility for you part in this. That's very good of you and shows you have really learned something about yourself and about boundaries. Good luck to you.

There are other therapists who work with perpetrators. My t chooses not to. I suspect there are t's out there that don't work with people who are of a variety of backgrounds. I'd say he's being pretty honest with himself when he says because of the number of sexual abuse survivors he works with, he doesn't feel he can keep objectivity with a perpetrator.

But are those decisions always so clear-cut, Farmergirl? Suppose your T was treating a sexual abuse survivor who eventually trusted him enough to reveal that he/she had sexually abused someone. Does that mean T would lose his compassion and empathy for his patient, thereby rendering him incapable of treating him/her? Or would he have some respect for the patient's courage to reveal it and deal with it?

I don't know. You'd have to ask my t. I think what he speaks of is not starting with a patient who comes in as a perpetrator. I have no idea what he'd do in a different situation. We've never discussed it.

I think it is okay for a T to have personal boundaries. And of course it is okay for a T to feel uncomfortable, as we all do. At that point, they need to examine their own 'stuff' and consult with their T if needed, if treatment is affected.

"Anything and Everything" is for exploring in therapy.

Fair enough, Farmergirl. I didn't really expect you to know the answer to that question. I threw it out there mostly as food for thought because I think it's not always easy or even possible to make those kinds of decisions ahead of time, and if a T has already developed a strong alliance with a patient -- strong enough that the patient trusts the T with such information -- is it in the patient's best interests to shatter that trust by terminating because the T is uncomfortable? Or does the T have some responsibility to at least attempt to work through his/her discomfort just as we need to work through our own discomfort? Isn't it kind of hypocritical to expect patients to face and work through their own discomfort if a T has no responsibility to do the same?
I don't know the answers to those questions, but I think that all T's in training should be asking themselves similar questions before they actually begin practicing therapy. I think sometimes people enter the profession with noble or altruistic motives but they fail to recognize and deal with their own issues well enough to be of help to patients who present them with such dilemmas.

Echoes, I completely agree that T's can and should have personal boundaries. I don't mean to imply that they shouldn't. But as you said, it is important for them to face their own issues without automatically placing all the responsibility for the T's discomfort on the patient when the patient is doing something that millions of people do each day. One of the reasons I wrote the article is because T's who react fearfully to perceived rather than real threats perpetuate the stereotype that people in therapy are inherently more dangerous than the general population. We're already faced with that stigma, which is one of the reasons why my T really tries to normalize common behaviors. If a T pathologizes normal curiosity and becomes fearful and rejecting when the patient poses no actual, identifiable threat, it sets up a situation where the people -- our T's -- who are supposedly "on our side" are the ones who are actually contributing to the perpetuation of stigma and stereotypes.

I say finding a good therapist takes time and is often very difficult, if a T cannot listen to anything you bring into the room then that wouldnt work for me. I remember my T saying on our very first meeting, that WE can talk about anything in here. I looked at her at first thinking, right, ok, no big deal, but I've come to appriciate just how honest she was about that statement and just how very important it is to not feel tired to limits.

fieldofdreams.... those are interesting questions.

My T told me (actually kind of early in therapy when I was questioning him about a lot of stuff) that there is one particular diagnosis that he doesn't work with. He ALWAYS refers out if someone has this diagnosis. And I wonder sometimes...is it THAT obvious that someone has that diagnosis the first few times they come in? What if it doesn't become clear until T has been working with this person for 6 months??

I might actually ask T these questions (if there is enough of a lull in therapy for me to ask them, it's been stupid intense lately). I'm really curious.

Yes, I don't think it is uncommon for t's to have boundaries about what diagnoses they work with. I don't think it is wrong for t's to have boundaries about what they will and will not accept as behavior from a client. I think there is a line, that if crossed, may be going too far for a person. T's, after all, are nothing more than people. I'm sure they have their "lines" as well. We would like them to be more than human and save the world, but they're not and they can't.

Question to anyone who's been reading and is willing to answer -- Have I given you the impression that my current T has no personal boundaries or sets no limits on my behavior? Or that as patients, we have no responsibility for our own behavior? Because that's far from the truth -- my T has very firm and clear boundaries and limits, and one of the reasons I began this thread was to talk about the importance of having the opportunity in therapy to honestly explore and examine our own destructive behaviors, not to condone them. I'm a little confused by some responses here that seem to imply otherwise. I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding certain responses or if I am leading people to believe that we should all be allowed to do whatever we want and our T's should just accept that. That's not my intention at all and I'd like to clarify that.