[kim_johnson]

a couple weeks back i mentioned that i had a dream about something to my t. he looked kinda surprised. i guess i've never mentioned dreams before, but the theme of the dream (and people in it) related to what we were talking about, so it seemed relevant. we talked about dreams for a bit... i said i didn't really know what to think (in terms of what kind of theory of interpretation i was fond of). he seemed to perk up a little though... guess he was thinking about whether that would be a line that would be good for us to pursue.

then last session i mentioned that i dreamed something again. similar to last time. similar theme / topic and similar people. he talked about freud for a bit. about dreams displacing stuff from the past. about wish fulfillment. we talked about the dream for a bit. but i couldn't see what it was really about or whatever. i apologized to him that i didn't know what it was about, really.

did some reading. guess it is going to be hard to do the dream stuff thing cause i don't really free associate in sessions. maybe pointless to think about doing it, really. i don't know.

i read about the stuff where what seems emotionally significant... is really displacing that emotion from something 'trivial' which is really what is significant. i dunno. seems hard, really.

[Melbadaze]

Kim, I wrote about a dream I had earlier in the week. I think it was entitled "Caring anyways". Not all dreams I have mean much to me, but I know when they do and can normally work out what I need to from them. I am a fan of thinking about dreams LOL!

[kim_johnson]

before i went to sleep i got an email from someone i'm lecturing for. she said she got sick and so couldn't do the class she was supposed to for the course. that next week (my week) i've have to run the tutorial / section on her stuff. that one of the kids in the course contacted her and said he was shy about talking in tutorials / sections and she replied to him saying that there would be small group work.

i was feeling kind of annoyed that she expected me to do her stuff in the tutorial. that would mean i'd be behind with my stuff for the rest of the course. i was annoyed she promised this kid that there would be small group work, too. small group work is not something that i like to do with my classes because when i was a kid i really hated small group work.

then i went to sleep...

in my dream i was taking the tutorial / section. i can't remember whether i was doing it on my stuff or on her stuff. i know they were the kids who were supposed to be in the class but none of the faces were familiar to me - it was like i was meeting them for the first time. when i got there there were about 5 but they all seemed bored and like they would rather be elsewhere. the room was odd... some combination (i realize now) of an undergraduate psychology section i attended as an undergraduate and the school hall from when i was 11. these largish black wooden boxes lines up along the front of the room like a stage or something.

i got the kids to rearrange their desks a little so we were in a circle (easier to get dialogue going with a small group) but they were bored and didn't really want to engage / participate. then these other kids started straggling in. even border. so i needed to get the first bunch to move the desks back so there was room for everyone to be a part of things.

then i started talking... but i was massively underprepared and i knew i was raving incomprehensibly.

then my supervisor for my dissertation walked in. he said 'you need to show them how the material relates to their lives' and he started to talk... and i never would have thought to try relating it the way he did... and he was really interesting. and they perked up and listened and seemed interested. and i was just kinda standing back feeling embarrassed and underprepared and like i wasn't doing a very good job of things and kinda happy to be listening to him because he was so good.

and that was it.

that was it.

so... guess i'm supposed to free associate to that. lol.

[kim_johnson]

I guess it is easy enough for me to think about it in terms of my processing what is going on now, with the course. Harder to think back more, though.

So... I know that just because I didn't like small group work doesn't mean that they won't. I should be open to trying different things more than I am. Try them and see how they go and ask the students how they find them.

And I know I'm perhaps having some issues around who's responsibility it is to motivate the students. I'm used to thinking 'if you don't want to be here then go away, i don't much care'. Then my time in the US, peoples parents pay a fortune... And you are expected to motivate them. and i guess i think the truth is somewhere in the middle... I mean I do try and get people to care about stuff that I find interesting... But I do think that students should also work hard out of some inner motivation and if they don't have that they should really rethink their decision to enroll in the class or even in university more generally...

The thing that seemed most insignificant was the boxes, though. At one point (when the stragglers came in) I knew I had to change something. And I sat on one of the boxes for a little to think before getting the students to rearrange their desks back.

The boxes were black. Like the ones that made up the stage when I was 11. The room was... In a basement. It was kinda dark. Not cold. Not ominous... But come to think of it is is kinda odd that it wasn't ominous. Given that it was kinda dark and in a basement. Dungeon. Maybe the students were anxious about that and ... Well that would make some kinda sense.

My supervisor was kinda encroaching in doing what he did. But I didn't mind, really. Wasn't his job, though. Maybe I should be less mad at the lecturer (I'm not really mad at her I know she means well and I like her a lot).

I've realized I'm up for a career change next. Realized that medicine is what I really want to do. So I wasn't upset with my supervisor for 'showing me how its really done'.

I don't know. I can only really think of it in terms of me processing stuff for the course...

With respect to how it relates to ongoing themes in my life... Or even some kind of interpersonal dynamic I'm not really sure... I do find fatherly guys to be kind of reassuring and calming... And I think the class did, too.

I need to get some sense of maternal / feminine caring... I don't really have a sense of that. The whole maternal breast thing... Blech. But I guess I have to find that for me... For my role in it all... Sigh.

[kim_johnson]

It is kinda funny (odd) That my supervisor said 'you need to show them how it relates to stuff in their life'. I don't remember the content of what he went on to say after that. He can be kind of mesmorising once he is on a roll when he is speaking... I just remember thinking 'and there he goes, gosh he is good when he gets on a roll like that' and also 'oh wow, he is developing this quite differently from how I would think to do it - and he is good'. Like how I feel when I hear him speak about topics lol.

But the funny thing: 'You need to show them how the content relates to stuff in their lives'.

Then my therapist... Trying to get me to see how the content of the dream relates to stuff in my life.

Then my supervisor - proceeding in a way I would never have thought...

Then freud... doing that too...

I think it is about the students. What were the students in the dream showing me about my life?

I thought they were bored (wanting to socialise instead really). Maybe they were anxious about the dungeon and so doing the taking comfort from one another thing.

Me... Being a doctor...

Me... Being a lecturer...

Don't let the circumstances (of the system) get you down?
But realize... The effect they have on others.

I dunno.

mememe... thats what my health professionals tried to do. i mostly experienced them as cold and uncaring. but maybe... thats me.

[pachyderm]

My dream self is much more creative than my real self! I don't know where it comes up with all those things it does. I guess it is true that we are not really aware of the greatest part of our minds.

[kim_johnson]

When I think of a black box I guess I think of a coffin. And the whole dungeon thing. 'Relate it to stuff in their life'. Maybe its about mortality. For so long I've had (at least one foot) in the grave. Just wanted to be dead, really. Guess it is hard to engage others in living (and living well) when one hasn't really got into the spirit of that oneself.

Medicine... Is partly about saving me. I don't think that I can give up smoking for me. I do think that I can give up smoking for others, though, to be a good role model for them. But only if I do get into medicine. I don't think I would do it otherwise. Guess that is odd. One needs to do that kind of stuff for oneself, really.

My foot is out of the grave more than it ever has been in my life. I'm fairly confident about my ability to keep up the exercise / gym and eating well. I know I can leave or take alcohol depending on the social context. But I think I do have some work to do in properly sorting myself out. I guess some of it will come along the way. But, yeah, I guess I'm going to have to face death directly along the way, too.

Maybe it is about a will to live.

I've had the will to die for as long as I can remember.

Therapy tomorrow... I'll see what he says.

[mixedup_emotions]

My T is gestalt based, and the belief is that everything in the dream is a part of one's self. So, if you pick one thing from the dream and give it a voice....what is it feeling...what is it saying...what is it doing....it may give insight to something.

I told my T about a dream I had with him in it last week, that I was strapped in a hospital bed, screaming, and he was there talking to me but I couldn't hear him.

He tried to get me to give the bed a voice, but I couldn't. I drew a complete blank. He gave me his idea of what the bed was doing/saying/feeling.....It's restrained, holding me back, telling me that it won't let me go, it's keeping me safe...but I'm fighting it....

And he related it to our work in therapy, saying that even though I may trust him or try to trust him, that I fight like heck against what we're trying to do.

So, I guess the dream was very telling....