[mixedup_emotions]

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out....trying to sit with the anxiety, feelings, etc. that I couldn't work through in therapy....and it's just too overwhelming....

During my session with T, he wanted me to stay with the feelings I had about my dad's death. He died 3 years ago last week and I wanted to rush through that day so I didn't have to feel the sadness. T suspected there was more than sadness....

Yes, there is more than sadness. There's a tremendous amount of guilt for SO SO many things...and reliving the absolute HORROR of the day of his death is too much to bear....

Then, it HIT me like a ton of bricks....

I am SO AFRAID of "letting go" in therapy because I'm afraid of "NEEDING" T.....I have gone my entire life not needing ANYONE. And leaving myself "unprotected" and putting my trust in him leaves me so incredibly vulnerable...I don't want to need him.

Intellectually, I understand that it's only temporary...and as I work through my issues and build up a better support system around me, etc....things will change....But still, the HERE AND NOW is so NOT that...

And working through my tornado seems like an eternity of pain to have to dig through....the physical abuse....the CSA....the destructive marriage I was in....It's just all too much...And I DON'T WANT TO NEED T through it all.

[jexa]

Oh ((((((MUE)))))) SO many hugs in this difficult time


I think it is amazing that you are working to sit through these feelings, and I think you are doing FANTASTIC work making an effort to "go there." Especially for those of us who have learned that our survival depends on our ability to rely ONLY on ourselves, it is about the most difficult thing in the world to let T break every defense and get under all the layers. This is why healing is difficult.

You can't FORCE yourself to let go in T, to let yourself need T. It's not like these defenses are a nail that can be pounded in with a hammer and brute strength. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you already ARE trying your best to open up. In time you will let yourself rely on your T. You had such a hard time in last session with so many difficult feelings. Now, your last session opened up this flood. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Feel the feelings as much as you can, and if you need to put them aside and distract yourself, you don't need to keep sitting in those feelings. You are doing EXACTLY what you need to do. You don't need to go ANY faster than this.

[WePow]

((((MU)))) so sorry you are so sad.... safe hugs!

[googley]

(((((((MUE)))))))

I'm so sorry that you are in such distress. It is so hard to trust and admit that we need help and to reach out and trust. It takes time to trust and get that help.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by jexa

Oh ((((((MUE)))))) SO many hugs in this difficult time


I think it is amazing that you are working to sit through these feelings, and I think you are doing FANTASTIC work making an effort to "go there." Especially for those of us who have learned that our survival depends on our ability to rely ONLY on ourselves, it is about the most difficult thing in the world to let T break every defense and get under all the layers. This is why healing is difficult.

You can't FORCE yourself to let go in T, to let yourself need T. It's not like these defenses are a nail that can be pounded in with a hammer and brute strength. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you already ARE trying your best to open up. In time you will let yourself rely on your T. You had such a hard time in last session with so many difficult feelings. Now, your last session opened up this flood. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Feel the feelings as much as you can, and if you need to put them aside and distract yourself, you don't need to keep sitting in those feelings. You are doing EXACTLY what you need to do. You don't need to go ANY faster than this.

Thank you, jexa....

I really appreciate your reassurance, that I am just where I need to be and that my pace is just what it needs to be....

I was drowning in all those emotions when I started this thread, but I have since been able to pull myself out. I am still pretty shaken by it all and the anxiety is still lingering, but less intense....and I am exhausted from it. It literally wiped every ounce of energy out of me.

I wonder how much of it I should share with my T....about the fear of needing him, etc. I don't know. *sigh*

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((MUE)))))))

I'm so sorry that you are in such distress. It is so hard to trust and admit that we need help and to reach out and trust. It takes time to trust and get that help.

Yes, soooo hard. My T told me that he imagines that it will be so nice when I am finally free of fear...I told him that I don't know what that's like. He said that I have been living in fear for perhaps my entire life...and I believe that's true.

It's hard to imagine letting go...especially when the thought brings more fear. Go figure.

[Sannah]

MUE, good work and quick too! You will work through this MUE. I think that you are really on to something here.........

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

MUE, good work and quick too! You will work through this MUE. I think that you are really on to something here.........

Thanks for your confidence, Sannah. I feel like I can sleep for a week now, I am so exhausted from that episode...

And although I do feel that it was an important discovery about my feelings toward T, it didn't even scratch the surface of the tornado of my life.

It makes me wonder how people can go to therapy and delve into such issues - and still function outside of therapy...

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out....trying to sit with the anxiety, feelings, etc. that I couldn't work through in therapy....and it's just too overwhelming....

During my session with T, he wanted me to stay with the feelings I had about my dad's death. He died 3 years ago last week and I wanted to rush through that day so I didn't have to feel the sadness. T suspected there was more than sadness....

Yes, there is more than sadness. There's a tremendous amount of guilt for SO SO many things...and reliving the absolute HORROR of the day of his death is too much to bear....

Then, it HIT me like a ton of bricks....

I am SO AFRAID of "letting go" in therapy because I'm afraid of "NEEDING" T.....I have gone my entire life not needing ANYONE. And leaving myself "unprotected" and putting my trust in him leaves me so incredibly vulnerable...I don't want to need him.

Intellectually, I understand that it's only temporary...and as I work through my issues and build up a better support system around me, etc....things will change....But still, the HERE AND NOW is so NOT that...

And working through my tornado seems like an eternity of pain to have to dig through....the physical abuse....the CSA....the destructive marriage I was in....It's just all too much...And I DON'T WANT TO NEED T through it all.

Ok. This is getting WEIRDER AND WEIRDER. I think we are on the same timeline in therapy

Just last night I was bawling MY eyes out because I couldn't do that in therapy. I couldn't let go, didn't know how to...and then last night, BAM, it just came out.

I have told my T repeatedly that I don't want to need her...or anyone. It is SCARY. I don't like needing anybody. I want to be strong. Invincible. But I think...I think that I am starting to trust T, because I reached out for her during this, nad she responded....supportively. This is new. Different.

In many ways, therapy is just beginning...to think of all the HARD stuff to deal with is very frightening. But, I hope that you can lean on T, because he CAN help you through it. I am walking right beside you, MUE.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It makes me wonder how people can go to therapy and delve into such issues - and still function outside of therapy...

This is a big fear of mine too. I don't even have abuse/trauma issues, and I am sooo scared about this. My T keeps saying that she thinks I am much stronger than I think, that I can get through this. I guess we just have to hope that they know what they are talking about.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Ok. This is getting WEIRDER AND WEIRDER. I think we are on the same timeline in therapy

Just last night I was bawling MY eyes out because I couldn't do that in therapy. I couldn't let go, didn't know how to...and then last night, BAM, it just came out.

I have told my T repeatedly that I don't want to need her...or anyone. It is SCARY. I don't like needing anybody. I want to be strong. Invincible. But I think...I think that I am starting to trust T, because I reached out for her during this, nad she responded....supportively. This is new. Different.

In many ways, therapy is just beginning...to think of all the HARD stuff to deal with is very frightening. But, I hope that you can lean on T, because he CAN help you through it. I am walking right beside you, MUE.

Wow, velcro....Are we twins?

It's relieving to know that the feelings I'm having about T are not so unusual.

I'm glad you're walking right beside me. I have to keep repeating to myself that I am not alone....I'm not alone...I'm not alone....

[velcro003]

I am starting a thread on something similar to this, so you can read it in a minute...but that is a mantra that I am trying to actually start in my life too.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I wonder how much of it I should share with my T....about the fear of needing him, etc. I don't know. *sigh*

This strikes me as SO important, MUE.

I felt like my therapy with T REALLY started when I started getting really honest with T and with myself about my feelings and fears about HIM. Just how much potential he has to hurt me, how scary it is to let myself NEED someone when I have always relied on myself...ALL of that. Working through all of that has really been the foundation of the work in therapy. If we weren't constantly working on that stuff, there is literally NO way I could do the trauma work.

You've had a hard night. Take gentle care of you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

This strikes me as SO important, MUE.

I felt like my therapy with T REALLY started when I started getting really honest with T and with myself about my feelings and fears about HIM. Just how much potential he has to hurt me, how scary it is to let myself NEED someone when I have always relied on myself...ALL of that. Working through all of that has really been the foundation of the work in therapy. If we weren't constantly working on that stuff, there is literally NO way I could do the trauma work.

You've had a hard night. Take gentle care of you.

Thank you, tree....

I know that it's important to share this with T...I'm just scared. I am afraid to delve into my feelings for HIM with HIM...kwim? I'm embarrassed to feel needy...and am so afraid of becoming attached. I know it's important information...because it impacts other areas of my life. Like, being attached to my parents growing up....they were so hurtful in my younger years and my teen years that I don't believe I ever developed the type of attachment that children usually do to their parents...and then even with my ex-husband. Yes, I loved him. I still do. But I was not attached to him. I never let him in. Fear of being hurt, I suppose. And all of them hurt me tremendously.

Ugh.

[mixedup_emotions]

Add to that, I feel so incredibly numb today. Last night just took way too much out of me.....

Why is this so hard? I hate it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

And although I do feel that it was an important discovery about my feelings toward T, it didn't even scratch the surface of the tornado of my life.

And this is exactly how you would need to tackle this big issue, a little at a time.........

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'm embarrassed to feel needy...and am so afraid of becoming attached.

Maybe start with this in your next session? If it makes it easier start it with just these general terms without attaching it to him?

[velcro003]

You know what has made it easier for me to (somewhat) accept that I am going to need T? (And I am still in the "i dont wannnaaa need youuu...i will reach out but then pull away" mode) WHenever I bring that up, that I don't like needing her, or I don't like caring about what she thinks of me. I wish I can go in there, talk about what I need to talk about, feel better and leave. Not have her part of the equation.

I think she finds that somewhat amusing. She always tells me that humans aren't wired that way. We are social creatures. We need eachother. People aren't born not trusting. I tell her that maybe I am special, that I was born that way--but just looks at me like "You don't believe that, do you?"

She has always kept it in the sort of abstract "humans need each other" kind of way. I think that way she is touching on the fact that she acknowledges that I am fighting attachment at all costs, but keeping it separate enough so I don't run away.

What has been amazing to me, is usually when I write her emails, I am SO much better at telling her how I feel. So honest. Then I will never talk about it in session. She has never made me talk about it. But, she does ocassionally bring up how much easier it is for me to write her, and that she sees how I am reaching out to connect with her...that I want to, but then I go back in my shell. But she says this in such an observatory way, not like it is personally hurting her feelings.

I think by sitting back and just letting me figure this out has made it so much easier to realize that I am not a robot. I wish I could be. That she is STILL there. Waiting.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I know that it's important to share this with T...I'm just scared. I am afraid to delve into my feelings for HIM with HIM...kwim? I'm embarrassed to feel needy...and am so afraid of becoming attached. I know it's important information...because it impacts other areas of my life. Like, being attached to my parents growing up....they were so hurtful in my younger years and my teen years that I don't believe I ever developed the type of attachment that children usually do to their parents...and then even with my ex-husband. Yes, I loved him. I still do. But I was not attached to him. I never let him in. Fear of being hurt, I suppose. And all of them hurt me tremendously.

(((MUE)))) I know you say you have this tornado and you are a whirlwind of confusing feelings etc...but I hear SO MUCH clarity in your posts in this thread. I think this is a VERY important place to begin to delve into. You are SOOO not alone in this. I feel so much the same way. Either I can be so overly attached to a T or anyone, or else simply not care, feel shut down from them, like/love them, but not feel attached. If its fear, its nothing I am in touch with.

I have to say, it scares me a little how unattached I feel toward ftt. I was desperately, painfully attached to desk-t, but with ftt, no. There is for sure some reason that is out of my awareness. I can only make guesses why. I love what Tree said about her therapy really beginning when she started working on her relationship with her T. There is so much information there. I also am really terrified of being needy and needing someone so much.

MUE- You are really working hard, I hope you can give yourself some gentle, loving kindness tonght. And some good rest for tomorrow.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

(((MUE)))) I know you say you have this tornado and you are a whirlwind of confusing feelings etc...but I hear SO MUCH clarity in your posts in this thread. I think this is a VERY important place to begin to delve into. You are SOOO not alone in this. I feel so much the same way. Either I can be so overly attached to a T or anyone, or else simply not care, feel shut down from them, like/love them, but not feel attached. If its fear, its nothing I am in touch with.

I have to say, it scares me a little how unattached I feel toward ftt. I was desperately, painfully attached to desk-t, but with ftt, no. There is for sure some reason that is out of my awareness. I can only make guesses why. I love what Tree said about her therapy really beginning when she started working on her relationship with her T. There is so much information there. I also am really terrified of being needy and needing someone so much.

MUE- You are really working hard, I hope you can give yourself some gentle, loving kindness tonght. And some good rest for tomorrow.

Thank you, Blue....

It's relieving to know that you can relate. I just wish I wasn't feeling so ashamed of the feelings I have. I remember my T telling me before that it's important to let people in. It just feels too scary to do that.

I really just want to run - far and fast.

But for now, I will rest. It's been an incredibly exhausting weekend...I hope my mind will be able to rest...and the butterflies in my stomach can rest as well....so I can get a decent night's sleep. Tomorrow brings another day of rushing my daughter to school, getting to work...and waiting on pins and needles for a response from T - with a lump in my throat and shame written all over my core.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by velcro003

You know what has made it easier for me to (somewhat) accept that I am going to need T? (And I am still in the "i dont wannnaaa need youuu...i will reach out but then pull away" mode) WHenever I bring that up, that I don't like needing her, or I don't like caring about what she thinks of me. I wish I can go in there, talk about what I need to talk about, feel better and leave. Not have her part of the equation.

I think she finds that somewhat amusing. She always tells me that humans aren't wired that way. We are social creatures. We need eachother. People aren't born not trusting. I tell her that maybe I am special, that I was born that way--but just looks at me like "You don't believe that, do you?"

She has always kept it in the sort of abstract "humans need each other" kind of way. I think that way she is touching on the fact that she acknowledges that I am fighting attachment at all costs, but keeping it separate enough so I don't run away.

What has been amazing to me, is usually when I write her emails, I am SO much better at telling her how I feel. So honest. Then I will never talk about it in session. She has never made me talk about it. But, she does ocassionally bring up how much easier it is for me to write her, and that she sees how I am reaching out to connect with her...that I want to, but then I go back in my shell. But she says this in such an observatory way, not like it is personally hurting her feelings.

I think by sitting back and just letting me figure this out has made it so much easier to realize that I am not a robot. I wish I could be. That she is STILL there. Waiting.

Ugh, it's that whole "needing each other" thing that gets me every time. I'm absolutely ok with people needing me....but when it's the other way around - no way, no how....

I too have an easier time expressing myself by e-mail. It's more thought out....I am able to work through the anxiety before hitting the send button....and I don't have to look them in the eyes, see their face or get an instant reaction.....Much, much safer and more comfortable in my opinion.

[BlueMoon6]

I know that shame. Its is so pervasive. When I feel like that it colors everything I do in my day. Sometimes when I feel like that and I have things to do with my kids, like driving my kids all over creation all day long, I try to remember, even for a moment, who I am to them. Think of who you are to your daughter. She looks at you and doesnt feel shame, she looks at you and feels love.

But still, I can SOOOO relate to the fear of letting people in. It feels impossible. As if I am so much safer running on autopilot with people than letting them in. But, you know, MUE, when I do and take that leap, as much as I can take it, I see that I am safe (most of the time) and its really okay. It is really okay for you, too. Maybe we are feeling shame for these feelings when its really okay to just be who we are. Its okay to be MUE having needy feelings. It is okay and you are safe and worthy when you need T or anyone

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I know that shame. Its is so pervasive. When I feel like that it colors everything I do in my day. Sometimes when I feel like that and I have things to do with my kids, like driving my kids all over creation all day long, I try to remember, even for a moment, who I am to them. Think of who you are to your daughter. She looks at you and doesnt feel shame, she looks at you and feels love.

But still, I can SOOOO relate to the fear of letting people in. It feels impossible. As if I am so much safer running on autopilot with people than letting them in. But, you know, MUE, when I do and take that leap, as much as I can take it, I see that I am safe (most of the time) and its really okay. It is really okay for you, too. Maybe we are feeling shame for these feelings when its really okay to just be who we are. Its okay to be MUE having needy feelings. It is okay and you are safe and worthy when you need T or anyone

Thanks, Blue....

Yes, my daughter needs me and looks at me with love. What a great reminder. Thank you.

And I know that when I was younger, my household was filled with so much turmoil that I looked at my parents yearning for their love...but filled with fear....and then later anger and rebellion....which I guess has a lot to do with my issues now. I am so glad that I have not repeated the behavior of my parents.

You know, last night, my one neighbor - a close friend - came back from a week long vacation...and she is really a caring friend. I have isolated myself from most of my friends for several months, including her...but she knows that I've been going through hard times and respects my space - checks in occasionally....but is always happy to see me, accepts me, doesn't make me feel badly about not keeping in touch with her, etc. I picked up their mail while on vacation, and she gave me a gift....She's the type of person that has to get the gift "just right" with meaning....even cards have to be just right....She got me a mug that said, "You have a special way of making people smile".....

It really warmed my heart.

She's been there for some of my rough times, but it's still hard, knowing that I am the one who makes people laugh and smile....so when I'm down, I feel like I can't also be the one who leans on their shoulder and cries. It just isn't who I am to them....I guess I'm not very authentic.

[Sannah]

Maybe you can work on reaching out to friends?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe you can work on reaching out to friends?

So, so hard for me...and I am so resistant to it....I have trouble reaching out to T who gets paid to help me....it seems even more difficult to reach out to people who don't....UGH.