[jexa]

Okay.

So rather than explain the situation, I am just going to paste the email I sent my T:

So, I am aware that I am not supposed to know this. Blame N. for telling me about pipl.com (I searched everyone I could think of -- this was a long time ago -- I just happen to remember the date -- sorry!!). Question is (drumroll).. would you mind terribly if I gave you a (small, handmade) gift for your birthday? I have just finally become inspired to craft today, and I feel like sharing something I make.

But I won't be offended if you say no, honestly, because I understand why you would, and that it would not be a rejection, more of a professional boundaries thing. And maybe you don't like that I looked you up. And maybe also that I didn't tell you (it just didn't come up. I would have told you if I thought of it. Also, I am not a stalker). These would be legitimate reasons for you to say no. But I do hope you say yes because it would make me happy to give you something. And so I just had to ask.


OH MY GOD. I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't supposed to know her birthday! I have put her in such an uncomfortable position. I just want to HIDE. SOMEONE TELL ME what to DO! She is going to be so mad that I know her birthday and I am just like UGH, WHY did I DO this????????????????

[Yoda]

I did not know my T birthday but I knew my Pdoc's birthday and I would always give her a card for her birthday. I have also looked up general info on the internet about people. I don't think it will be a big problem for you.

[rainbow8]

I don't think you screwed up. I know a lot of people look up their Ts birthdays or other information. I think your T will be glad you were honest, and she will probably appreciate your offer of a gift, whether or not she accepts it! I hope she answers you soon, so you don't worry too much. Again, you DID NOT screw up!

[Chronic]

I dont think you did the wrong thing, and I think T will be ok with the email, but I do understand how you feel about what you said/did. Some of the things I have done in order to find things out about T are probably boundary crossing! You know it is crossing some kind of boundary (googling T), but Ts know to expect us to research them. If Ts birthday is so important to her that you dont find out then she woiuldnt have put it available online. My T never discloses any info about him online, except for his name and practice details.

Try not to worry too much about T knowing you have found this info out- I'm sure its no where near as bad for her as the feelings you are having now

[deliquesce]

jexa. it'll be ok, just breathe.
i think it's sweet of you to have made a present.

[Melbadaze]

If your T's details are on the web, then its not stalking. My therapist has no footprints online, believe me i've tried to find some, but zitch!

[dfh932]

Hi Jexa,

I think it's okay too!! T knows you and knows you are not a stalker and like Deli said, she will think it's sweet of you to think of making her a present for her b-day!!

Someone recently said it on here...T's are human too, and the normal reaction to what you wrote would be to feel happy and "thought about," not like mad or invaded.

(((((jexa)))))). the waiting is the hardest part. You went out on a limb for your T and she will write you back and it will be okay.

hi jexa.

i think that is very nice.

i dont understand why she would be upset. the information is on the web in the public. she CAN have that all removed. every search engine has a way of removing your information so people can not access you OR you can pay a company to do it.

i think if she gets mad at you for knowing that, then she is wrong. if she wanted 100% privacy she would do the above.

its nice that you made something special for her. it is a kind thing to do and a nice thought.

[TayQuincy]

I don't think you needed her permission to give her something that you made, you didn't have to make it a "birthday" thing. She probably wouldn't refuse a small handmade craft given to her just because you wanted to. I don't know how she will feel about the email. It sounds like you want her to know that you know it's her birthday, but then feel guilty and apologetic for knowing, but then don't care because you want to give her the birthday gift. This is why I hate email in therapy. We aren't always aware of what we say between the lines and Ts are good at seeing that. And then there's the torture of waiting for the response.

I never apologize for knowing anything. Unless I broke into her house and sifted through her personal belongings, I wouldn't feel guilty for knowing anything about T. Just knowing her b-day doesn't cross a boundary, imo. Telling her that you know and asking permission to give her a birthday present may come across as an attempt to cross a boundary because it is initiating a more personal/reciprocal relationship. She may be perfectly okay with it though. Hope you hear from her soon.

[kate81]

Jexa, you did not screw up. Everyone googles their T - or at least, most of us do. It's not stalkerish behavior, it's natural curiosity. You sit there telling someone everything about your life, it's just natural that you'll be a little curious about theirs. She should recognize this - and, as others have said, if she really doesn't want her patients to know anything about her, she would remove all traces of herself online.

I hope that she responds positively and likes your present! I think you have nothing to be embarrassed about, and if she's human, she'll be touched by your kind thought more than anything else.

[jexa]

Thanks everyone for the reassurance.. I posted this last night when I was a little incoherent because I needed to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about this. Anyway today I am not freaking out or constantly thinking about it, but I am somewhat anxious awaiting her response.

I think if I were her I would like that someone thought of me, but if I wanted to say no and wasn't comfortable with it, then I would wish the person didn't ask this.

The problem is only if she wants to say no. I may have caused her to be uncomfortable. I don't like that I may have made her feel uncomfortable. She is so sweet and kind. Saying no will be hard for her. And she will not like doing it over email. But she has to respond by email because I want to bring in the present on Friday.

My guilt is that I put her in a bind..

I didn't mean to. Tay, you are right about all the between the lines stuff. But I knew she'd know it when I sent it. I don't know why I am playing these games.

[deliquesce]

jexa, most Ts are assertive and are prepared to say 'no' when they would not like a situation to occur. i am sure your T is great at communicating and seeing that her boundaries are respected!!

[WePow]

((( jexa ))) I hope that however it turns out, that you will benifit from the experience and it will help you out. Big hugs!

[jexa]

Still no response from T, but it's the weekend so I'm not worried. I just finished the craft.. it's really super small and simple, not a grandiose gift at all.

I just made two reusable sandwich wraps, made from fused plastic grocery bags and fabric. The grocery bags were hard to work with but it ended up just fine! They are really pretty and made from my favorite fabric which I finally used for this project since the wraps show off the pretty design so well. I'd been saving it..

I took pictures, look at how pretty they are!





Anyway I hope she says yes. Otherwise I guess I can just keep them for myself I guess

[TayQuincy]

Wow, love them! What an interesting idea

[looking4polaris]

Those are so cool! I'm always impressed by people who can create neat things like that. How did you make those? I'm sure there are folks who can look at the pictures and figure it out, but I'm not one of them. I'd love to know how to make them. My sis-in-law would totally dig those.
Great work!

[3velniai]

Wow, looks very very VERY nice.

[jexa]

polaris, there is a tutorial on how to make these here:
http://www.chicaandjo.com/2010/02/01...andwich-wraps/

[dfh932]

CUTE Jexa!!!!!!!!! wow!

[jexa]

Aw.. she said no. I wonder if she will accept a gift at the end of treatment? Does she ever accept gifts? I guess I will have to ask. I am reminding myself that this is not a rejection, but I do still feel sad. She told me no worries about looking her up but I'm feeling like I wish I hadn't told her..

[dfh932]

That is a small bummer, Jexa. It's okay though, lots of T's have policies on gifts and such.

Definitely not a rejection, probably just something she set up a while ago as a policy and just wants to be consistent with it.

[jexa]

Yeah that's what she said.. She said she'd love to see my work but she thought it best to stick to her policy of not accepting gifts. It was so small though! Not even much of a gift. I do understand but looking at the wraps makes me sad now. I am disappointed.

[WePow]

(((((( Jexa )))))))) Sorry that you feel sad now because of this. I understand that and was sad when T made a comment to me about a stupid gift I brought in for him once.

Can you maybe process the emotions in a form of internal questions so you can use it as a springboard for your own healing?

1) What emotion is this bringing up for me?
2) Does this event remind me of another event in the past where I experienced the same emotional response?
3) What would my emotional response had been if T would have accepted the gift?
4) Why would that emotion have been felt? (( AKA: What am I missing inside that this response would have filled for a while? ))

Big hugs to you for being so brave!

[googley]

(((((jexa))))))

I'm so sorry your T wont accept your gift. I know you made them for your T, but is there someone else you could gift them to that would accept them? Or a non-profit organization that would be able to use them and appriciate them. Then you would know they are going to good use. (Of course this is if you think it might be too painful to keep them.)
Lots of hugs.

[jexa]

Thanks WePow for those questions. I think I was wanting to feel connected to her, and.. appreciated? And I wanted her to feel appreciated. And I wanted to have the warm fuzzies that come from giving. And I wanted to know that she would think of me when she used them. And I wanted her to know something about me that I could never have said in words.

I was able to get the warm fuzzies from giving. I ended up giving them to people at work instead. But I don't feel that good feeling that comes from the expression of gratitude that I was really trying to get from this. That was the main thing. I had the need to express gratitude in a deeper way than words. To me things like this are deeper than words. I don't know how I can show her how much she means to me if she won't accept gifts. I am one to be very symbolic in my gift-giving. I "speak in gifts."

It is truly like someone put a hand over my mouth.

I feel sad because there is no other way for me to express as deeply what I am feeling. No words would suffice. Every detail of this was thought out. I decided to use my favorite fabric because I thought she would appreciate it. She is a DIY, crafty kind of person, so giving her a craft meant something. She would know how much time it took to make, and she would know that I am giving her a craft for a reason. Sharing this with her meant something. So I am sad because this meaning has been lost.