I screwed up

Jexa - I think that you have an amazing heart full of love!!!! I really wish you could print out what you said here just now and hand it to her. Don't say anything, but let her see for herself what the meaning was to you. I know it would be a very hard thing to do - and you may not be able to do it. But I think if she read what I just read, she would be moved very deeply by who you are. And I think it may open up some communication doors for you that will bring you closer to T than you ever thought you could be. Just thinking here...

(((((Jexa))))) They are beautiful!!!!! And I understand why it makes you sad - I'm sorry! It makes me sad on your behalf! You really poured your heart into doing that for her, and to have her not accept them must have been a big disappointment. I agree that it's not a rejection though - I'm sure it must be a policy she decided on long ago, as dfh932 says.

I do think what WePow said about showing her what you wrote might be a good idea, if you feel up to it. If not, then don't.

Wow, I wish I could make something like that! Those people at work who got those should count themselves very lucky indeed.

I really don't think I could show her this post I wrote.. I think I am going to let her know that I was slightly disappointed but not really go into it. We have just gotten into some other muck in therapy that really should be the focus of our next session. Maybe if I were at a different point with her right now. Thanks for the support though guys.. it means a lot to me. Especially the comments about how pretty they are. I thought so too. It's good to feel like I made something nice.

I am really sorry. I feel sad for you. What you did was so sweet. I would feel hurt too even though it is not personal against you.

I love what you made. Love the material too. What a kind heart you have.

(((((Jexa))))
You are such a darling. I love the sandwich wraps. Very creative - I would totally buy them if I saw them at the store.


Maybe it's all related somehow?

Jexa,

Are you sure you can't show t your post? It's so heartwarming. . .all the thought you put into it. How you wanted to express your gratitude. I'll bet your t would feel very honored to know how you feel. . . even if she can't accept the gift. I would also think that she would want to know if you felt hurt, because this would be something that the two of you might need to work through together.

But I told her I wouldn't be offended.

I don't know. Maybe I should. I don't know.

Jexa, what you are experiencing with this can be so helpful to your healing! There are so many layers of your personal truth. There is a reason you presented the offering of the gift in the way you did. That reason is very important and is deep.
There is also a reason thinking about being honest about this with T is so anxiety-provoking to you.

It takes courage to really confront our internal gears. But based on your personality type - I think you have what it takes to do that :-)

I feel like she's going to think it's stupid, not worth discussing.. I mean I can get over it, whatever, no big deal, you know? I can let this go. Is holding onto it healthy?

There is a reason you hurt so deeply inside. I PROMISE you that your T will not think it is stupid. In fact, I bet your T would see just how brave you are if you did show her your posts. Sure, you can let it go - but be honest with yourself. Would this be actually letting it go? Or is it avoiding the pain?

When you say "no big deal" I hear your heart. It is a HUGE deal. You are trying to convince yourself that it is not a big deal because the pain is too deep.

The pain though is not about this gift and her saying No because of policy. Logically you get that and can move on as an adult. That is all fine and dandy. But inside of you is a Jexa who has a need that was not met. I don't know what that need is and you might not know yet either. But there is a need and it is very valid! And it is not stupid! And it is not something you can fix just by once again ignoring it and shoving it back into the corner where it came from. You are so strong and you do have what it takes to find out what it is that you need to see. And your T is the right one to do this with!

Not sure if you remember, but last year with T I gave him a little stress ball I bought on sale. He had already accepted a small gift from me so I did not think it was a problem. Having alters, they each were trying to find little ways to connect with T on their own. Well I went into the office and handed T the stress ball and he said "OH NO! No more gifts!" I was devistated. He must have seen the look in my eye because he did take it and I was paddling very fast saying it was really not for him but for people to use in session because it would let us vent that stress. Now I had also brought with me a small stone that another alter had picked out just for him. There was NO WAY IN HECK that alter was about to give that stone to him after seeing that type of a response! We ended up not remembering most of the session and when we got home, the alter threw that stone away and was bawling!! The pain was so deep.

It took us a lot of work to understand what the root of our pain was. And we did have to bring it up with T. Come to find out, T has problems with some clients destroying his office in fits of rage at times - and having a ball one could toss at T was not such a great idea. It was nothing against me at all !! He even put the ball out for a while. Then it vanished and I think someone must have done what he feared so he removed it.

Point though is that as hard as it was to face the issue, it created a window for me to work out some of my issues. I learned a great deal about myself in that time. I wanted to just forget about it and never mention it again or see that stupid ball !!!
I was mad at myself for "being so stupid" to think I mattered to T at all.
I was upset with T for rejecting ME as a person.
I was angry with myself for being hurt by something I logically considered to be trivial.

What you decide to do with this is of course up to you. But looking back on my own experience, I am very proud of myself for being brave enough to confront my issues head-on. And T was VERY proud of me as well !!! :-)

Isn't that a big part of what you're in therapy to do -- find out things about yourself that you hadn't realized? You're getting ahead of yourself if you try to hold yourself to the standard of how you expect to be after therapy.

I know that's up for you right now, but I doubt she'll see it that way. Not if she knows what she's doing. One of the best reasons (imo) to have a rule about not accepting gifts from clients, is if she wants to be able to address whatever may come up for you in response.

Jesus I am crying over this now. I didn't feel this badly when she first said no, but now that I am talking with you guys about this I am feeling even more sad. It's not even the rejection that is hurting the most. It's feeling silenced. Oh my God even that word hurts. Silenced. I am so private in real life but I want to be open. I silence myself so quickly and my own silence hurts me. Even when I appear open to others it is another form of concealment. This gift would have been honest, but I can't share. Makes me want to cave myself into my house and tell myself I chose my loneliness, even though I desperately want someone in the world to know me.

I don't know if I am going to be able to share. But I printed out my post and I'll have it with me at my session. So maybe I will get over my fears and share. *sigh* My session is not until Friday. I hope I stop feeling sad soon.. this sucks.

(((((((((((((( Jexa ))))))))))))))) We are sending you very big hugs.
This is hitting a nerve and that is why you are in pain. You are being honest with yourself right now and that is the most important thing of all !!! This is very real to you. Be gentle with yourself and allow these emotions to come out.
Just remember this is triggering something that is a part of who you are.
Honor that part of yourself and be tender with who you are.

Keep on moving through it, hun.

-------------------------------
Q: How far into the woods can a rabbit run?

A: Only as far as the middle. After that, it's running out of the woods.

jexa, i am someone who appreciates words. i love what you made but without that beautiful explanation of the elements in it (how you used your favourite material etc) i don't think i would have had even a minute understanding of how symbolic and meaningful it is.

i understand why T said no to your gift, but i think you can still express your appreciation by sharing that post. it won't make her feel bad for not accepting your gift - she has her policy and is just enforcing her boundaries - but it will make her feel sooooo appreciated. i think sharing that post would be one way of un-silencing yourself and i think it would be so brave of you to do so.

holy crap, those are AWESOME!!!!!!!

um, here is what i think. i dont know if anyone else mentioned this....
...maybe you could describe to T what you made and tell her how you made it and the fabric and everything you did. and tell her why.

that way you would be giving her the gift....in a sense....she would see how much you really appreciate her by your description of it. even describe the pretty fabric.

thats what i would do. and then i would keep them for myself so it would be like a connection with her.

hope that is not a repeat of what someone said or is not too stupid.

i really like them and it was a really nice thought...

That's a good point deli that it's possible the meaning would have been lost on her. In my mind it would speak to her in a subtle way, but perhaps that's just the way I think, not the way she thinks. And if I had given those to her and she didn't read what was meant to be read, then that would have been silencing too. Although I may not have known it.

I really, really hope she does feel appreciated by me. And maybe knowing she will feel appreciated is enough incentive to share this part of me that I never, ever share. Sometimes I am so grateful to her it feels like my heart is bursting.

I am reading what I printed out over and over and over again. The thought of sharing this with her makes me feel pretty icky. The self-criticisms are coming from every corner.

And this is.. just last session at the end, I handed her a note that gave a basic outline of the "hard details" of the three sexual traumas I endured. And I told her to read it later.

So.

This is coming up at the same time as that.

So.

jexa-- just wanted you to know my heart is with you

it's so difficult-- all this "stuff"

I haven't known what to say on this, your thread, but I wanted you to know that I care and can sure appreciate all the emotions/feelings and thoughts that can twirl around and around......

please-- be kind to you.

fins

(((((Jexa)))) I read thru the whole thread and I love the craft you made and I am so touched by the meaning behind it. You have so much love in your heart and a beautiful ability to share that love. I agree with what has been said, you could learn so much from sharing with T how deep your feelings are and how it felt like such a deep rejection. I think T would see this as pointing to earlier, more painful rejections of your deep feelings and how you caved into yourself to protect yourself (am I playing T here??? eek!)

I can SO relate to avoiding in every way possible even the remote possibility of my deep feelings being rejected. It is a huge leap of faith and risk to put your feeings out there and tell T you made this beautiful gift that holds such meaning for you. I would also feel rejected, even if I were not (it doesnt look like it was a personal rejection, just her policy) but it sure FEELS that way. It is my guess that if you can talk about this with T it will be HUGE in terms of healing. I know, for me, feelings of being rejected bring up all kinds of abandonment feelings that go so deep and are sooooo painful.

I know its hard, this would be hard for me, too. I dont know if I could be as brave as you and even mention the gift. Youre amazing!

Blue, fins, thanks so much. You have no idea.. PC means the world to me.. I don't know what I'd do without the wonderful support I get here.

I am alone in my apartment just crying and crying. I did not know all of these feelings were in me about this. It is really overwhelming right now. I feel blindsided by this rush of sadness. I can barely see to type. The more I think about it the worse I feel. I just keep thinking of those wraps and the time it took to make them and the care I took and the hopes I had built up even knowing T could very well say no... all of the work and frustration, the sewing machine jams, burnt plastic, ripping out seams... and thinking about them in my coworkers' hands instead of T.. and whether my coworkers could ever appreciate the time it took to make and the pretty fabric and the neat stitching and the fact that the grocery bags were so hard to work with and... I am just so sad and so totally alone. Feeling like nothing I do has an effect. Like any love I give is sowing seeds in a rockbed..

Sounds to me like you're hot on the trail of something that would soon have been up for you to deal with anyway. I doubt very much that all that energy is coming just from T's turning down your gift. WePow has the right idea:

My T won't allow gifts either. He says it's unethical. At Christmas I do buy mixed nuts for him to share with the entire staff and that's ok.

(((((Jexa))))) You are breaking my heart. Really and truly I feel like crying with you. I know I have been through these same feelings and felt the same way- abandoned and rejected when I was only trying to give love. I wanted to be appreciated and to have someone know my loving feelings. And they turned me down. This all feels so familiar and yet I cannot exactly thing of what and when it happened. I think, like FooZe said, you are onto something that was meant to come up for you and proably points to a very deep and painful place. I have that place, too. I protect that place from abandonment and feeling unloved. Even if it is not true, it FEELS so true. And I cannot get myself to make it NOT feel true.

I think I so understand where all of your tears are coing from and I am so so very sorry you are hurting from all of this. You worked so hard and wanted her to accept your gift of love. To know how much of yourself to put into it. Of course it is not the same to go to a co-worker who you feel much more neutral about.

I am hoping and wishing that you can bring all of this up with T. This pain comes from somewhere. I am so sorry