Advise please!!

Hi,

I read the post about romantic feelings towards a therapist and could totally relate to everything said. I have to wonder about therapy when this amazing person is dangled in front of you providing love and support that was completely lacking when you were young.

Anyway, this happened to me a year ago - yes a year ago! I had a major crush towards my therapist but never discussed it with him. At our last session, he was quite uncharacteristically unkind to me - it was really odd. Out of the blue, he told me that he thought I probably didn't need to come back anymore and was very defensive - it was quite hurtful. I had only seen him about six times - and during that time I had acted appropriately on every occasion. I was really upset - it was like he was trying to get rid of me such a huge feeling of rejection. I didn't return and went to see another therapist who was fantastic and helped me to address childhood issues, etc. I didn't discuss the experience with the first therapist. Yet a year on I am still longing for the first therapist - it's ridiculous, frustrating and annoying!! I thought that the feeling would go away over time. I desperately want to see him to talk about how I am feeling so I can try and get some closure. But I think he was a bit unkind to me and I think I would also feel a bit silly approaching him to discuss this problem for fear of how he might react or how he might view me. I don't want to wake up 5 years from now still thinking about this man.
Any advice about what I can do would be really appreciated.

Thanks

Hi Rozine,

I'm sorry you had this experience. T's who don't do closure well can cause more harm than they realize. And these strong transference feelings can basically triple the risk of harm in this situation.

Are you still in therapy? A lot of us who had these experiences dealt with them by talking to a different therapist about them. Because his behavior was harmful to you, I would definitely not recommend trying to resolve them with him. You deserve closure, but the closure needs to be satisfying. A different T will help you discover what you can do to get closure that is satisfying to you.

Thanks! I know what you mean by closure because I went to a therapist who gradually worked towards closure and I was ready for it. To be told by the first therapist unexpectedly at a session that he didn't think I needed to come back was really awful. Up to then he had been encouraging me to return. It was such a rejection particularly when I had such strong feelings towards him.

I am no longer seeing a therapist and because I hadn't discussed the fact that I had seen the first one with the second (getting complicated) I think it would be a bit odd now. I had really hoped that once I'd dealt with my past childhood issues, which I have thankfully, the feelings towards the first therapist would go away but they haven't!!

Hi. Transference is common, and to some extent necessary for progress in therapy. Try to feel good about what you feel towards the former T. Nothing inappropriate occurred (I'm thinking) so maybe what you are feeling is real caring, something you have no experience with from childhood. Maybe that's what scares you, the strangeness of it all.

Good Ts model caring and love for patients. They hold the boundaries for the patients though, so you can experience good pure feelings without fear or safety issues. How else can you learn to set your own boundaries, and find your own self love?

I think your current T can handle that you had feelings for the previous T... but you don't have to share until you're sure they understand the item of transference and are comfortable with being the gate keeper of the boundary.

Trying to not think about your feelings is just like being told not to think about a pink elephant. It makes it worse and stronger. It's ok. If you really worry about it, set time aside every so often to just sit and think about those feelings, and why you suppose you have them, and what you would like to do with them (in the sense of developing those feelings for someone to love IRL permanently etc.) Don't shove them aside ... work through them.