[googley]

I feel like my life is crumbling in around me. I have two papers and a test before the end of the semester and I feel totally overwhelmed. I want to call my T and let her know that everything seems out of control. But I don't think I can. It doesn't sound like much, and logically I know it isn't that much, but I think the feeling that so little feels so overwhelming seems scary. I've decided that I can't keep going to school full time, because this way I'm never going to get a job. I have to go in and tell my adviser tomorrow. (well today now.) I feel depressed. I haven't gotten any clothes washed this weekend or any dishes washed. Yesterday I was sick and spent the whole day on the couch unable to do anything. I just don't know why I thought I could do this. Why did I think I could go back to school and be good at it? I don't trust my own judgment right now. And I don't have anyone else's that I can trust. My T isn't one to give advice. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and there is no way to make it stop. I just want to hide... Then no one can find me and tell me what a failure I am. I don't need any help doing that, I've perfected that skill.

[Kiya]

Hmmmmmmmmmm
((((((((((Googley))))))))))))
Lots of things come to mind (take what you want, leave the rest)...
I don't know your age.... I've dealt with school off and on over the last ...ohhhh... since 1995 - and am just about to graduate once again (next month). and i am in overwhelm. with a final. and was just in the ER for panic.
soooo...
what I am saying is a lot of contradictory things :
depression bites. it does. i grapple with it too. and as Sky pointed out to me once, DEPRESSION LIES TO YOU. it does. and it takes soooooooo much blasted strenght to push thru it... strenght depression makes you feel like you don't have.

Your feelings are your feelings. they are valid. they are yours and only you know what you can do or can't do.

but... do you REALLY know - deep down - what you can do? or are you listening to depression? Personally, I believe in you and your abilities, and that you can do what you need to. Be that school full time, or not. I've done both; school full time in overwhelm, school half time in overwhelm... dropped out... went back... graduated full time in no overwhelm... started a masters program... blah blah...

and omg it sucks not having support or feeling like your support is lacking. *looks around to make sure t is not reading this*.

but you can push all that away and push for the goal if you *can* -healthwise
or you can take alternate steps and hope to finish later (took me 9 years to finish my 4 yr degree, and now 3 years to finish my one year masters degree)....

I'm not making sense. sorry - meds. but i am hoping you can get the *essence* of what I am trying to say thru osmosis....

best

[imapatient]

You're not a failure. You're doing something that's very difficult. I returned to college in my late 20's after a 6.5 year break and having worked fulltime in a "real" job. It was sooooo hard to do school fulltime after so long. Hard to give up the comforts of having a decent-paying, solid job. So I cna relate. I worked part-time; sounds like you are, too. That's a lot to do; school itself can be a lot. On top of that and you're dealing with mental health problems. Wow. Major burden. School is a constant, recurring test (no pun intended) of self-esteem. I felt in doubt everyday about whether i could handle the stress. You should be feeling stressed right now, i.e. that's NORMAL for what you're doing. You need to handle the pressure, relieve the ongoing attacks on your self-worth; being "tested" all the time is a challenge where you're asked to prove your (academic) worth.

I can't offer helpful advice but to say: You're not crazy for feeling so much pressure. Your response is normal.

Took me 12 years to get my BA--did it in 2 major chunks, but still it was 12 years. I didn't think I'd make but I did. Worried at every point about whether or not I could continue. At the end, I started working full-time again and went to school part-time. Going to school part-time isn't a bad idea sometimes; whatever works. If it's what you need, do it. It doesn't mean you're a failure.

You can do it.

Googley, I had to take a leave of absence from my very last semester of school, my student teaching semester. I just ran out of energy. Sometimes we just have to slow down. It's just self care. Keep listening to yourself and you'll come out of this okay.