[WePow]

Ok guys. Today in session at the end, T made a comment about something I said. Then he quickly covered his mouth and looked shocked. He knew he messed up and so did I. It was not a big thing really ... but he was saying what was on his mind rather than what a T would have said. He was being a human

Well, I have been thinking about it for hours now and it just was making me sader and sader thinking of it. Very much just in shock and wondering what else T thinks that he does not say to me. It make me feel like I was back in highschool where people would be nice to me when around me but would cut me down when they thought I was not there. ugggs

Well, I sent him an email on it. I meet with him again Monday and would have saved it until then, but I have so much internal work I need to do before Monday and I could not do any of it with this on my heart. So I ended up writing him this:

************************

T,

Sorry to write you but I have to follow my own advice on support chat to clarify with a T something that needs clarification if mental healing is put at risk. In this case, it is for me and I have been thinking about it for a few hours and if I don't email you now on this - even if you don't reply at all (which is fine) - well I will be double guessing myself all weekend on this item rather than doing my focus work on my main problems - which I have a TON of internal work I have to get done before I see you again. So I have to write this now.

When you said that about my mom - and you knew you should not have said what you thought just in that way - well it did impact me. Was thinking real hard about what to do with that. So here are just my thinking points. And I want to try a rupture technique a friend told me about months ago = where you talk to your T about the issue with your T but do it as if the T you have the issue with is a different person than the T you are telling.

1) I did not want to tell my T that this hurt me when I heard him say what he did about my mom. I love how my T is so honest with me about everything and I value that more than anything right now. I need it more than anything. And I am very afraid that if I tell my T that this hurt me that he will be too guarded in what he says and I will feel that and then will not trust him as much to be honest with me.

2) The reason it hurt me was because of a few different things.

a. I know T knew he should not have said it the way he did say it, but knowing that made me wonder what else he thinks about me that he would not tell me. I need to trust T because right now that is the only human on Earth I actually do trust. I know he is human and that is cool. But now my heart is feeling like maybe he is just like all the other people I ever knew who said one thing to me but thought different things about me. I always ended up finding out their mind and when I did, it hurt more than if I just knew it honestly to start with. Does my T really see me the way the tone sounded to me? Did I totally mishear what T said? What I heard was "You don't want to stand up for yourself to your dad because you keep thinking "Poor Mommy" and being that way is childish and immature. You should not care about her in this situation. You are weak when you care about others more than you care about yourself." I don't know what my T meant honestly - that was just the tone and what my heart heard from what came out. Does he think I am weak for just being me? I do tend to love others more than I love myself. But that is not wrong. I need to draw better lines. But being that way is not a fault - at least I did not think it was until T said that. Now I am confused about who I am as a human? I don't want to be cold to others. I am very confused now.

b.What if T is totally right? T knows a lot more than I do about all this stuff. How do I change who I am as a person? How do I not care so much about my mom's potential pain to my actions to protect myself?

uggggs

Anyway, I suppose that sums this up. I do feel better for just getting it out there.
I also know that bringing it up to you is a part of me learning how to communicate my needs and issues in an adult way. No self harm due to the internal tossing and turning from this. Just a simple letter to T. And obviously happy that I do indeed trust my T enough to be able to send an email like this. Something that I never before would have been strong enough to do. All of this would have been internalized and feed down into the deepest holding area of my soul to fester away in silence.

Thank you again so much,

WP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok you guys .... did I do right by emailing T this??? Is it too stupid sounding???? ugggggggs!!!

[jexa]

It is NOT stupid sounding!!!!!!!! You were brave to send and I think T will be proud of you and will know just the right way to talk about this next time you see him. When is that, by the way?

[WePow]

Thank you, Jexa. I get to see him on Monday. He is keeping me out of work another week. So I did not have time to allow this to hog my limited mental space.

[WePow]

OMG T just wrote back! It is in my inbox and now I am A F R A I D to open it and read his reply !!!! UGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Luce]

WePow, I think you dealt with this issue beautifully. I love how you take ownership of your feelings and responsibility for your own responses, and how you express yourself so clearly. I hope you find the courage to open T's mail, and that his response allows you to put this issue aside for later so you may get on with your other work.

[WePow]

Luce, thank you!!! I read what you posted and then opend T's email while I still had courage. Opened it real fast - like pulling off a bandaid! LOL

This is what T said :-)

W,

Thanks for not sitting on this until Monday. Let me clarify for you what I think and feel about you and your relationship with your parents.

I see your role in your family as the "emotional caretaker" for the adults in the family. That is why I recommended Pat Love's book for you. This takes a lot of untangling... actually a lifetime of untangling. I do not see you less than or weak at all. Actually I view you as amazingly resilient for having survived your childhood alive and intact.

I was very focused today on inner child work... and was wanting you to begin to see the importance of taking care of little W. I sensed your vulnerability around them earlier in the weak am aware of the need for you to establish some clear boundaries with your dad around his inapopopriate sexualizing remarks. This does not mean you are weak, it simply means that you are in the process of identifying, learning and changing old relationship patterns. It is NOT your job to caretake them emotionally.

Hope that helps.
T

[_M&M_]

WePow,
great letter to T , and Very cool he responded in a timely manner to Your thoughts .

I can just imagine the smile you had at reading his reply . Ya got a Good T there , and , sounds as if he Does Have Your Best interests at heart.

WTG WePow !!

M&M

[TayQuincy]

I think you did a great job expressing what was going on for you regarding your T's comment. It was very honest and you did not blame T at all, just told him what you heard and how it made you feel to hear it, and asked him to clarify what he meant. I also like that you first told him why you were hesitant to bring this up at all and why. Very clear and direct (even with the rupture technique). I'm so glad your t responded! Now you can let it go and not let it consume your mind all weekend.

[googley]

(((((WePow))))))
Good job for standing up for yourself. I'm glad you wrote your T and I'm really glad he wrote back.

Keep up the good work through all this tough stuff right now.


Googley.

[mobius]

I agree with the others that you were quite clear in your email - and it's nice that your therapist got back to you so quickly. Take good care the rest of the weekend, huh?