On watch

Last Friday my t had me call my pdoc because I felt like I was about to implode. My sleep has been screwed up for so long and the exhaustion has just led to awful depression. I'm not suicidal; I'm probably too tired and too depressed to be.

So I called me pdoc who asked me to check myself into the hospital. I really wanted to actually, but I felt like I would really be causing too much stress for my family right now. My t felt like it was really up to me as I was probably not in immediate danger, so I didn't go.

It was a really long weekend. I've been unable to sleep at all at night but really exhausted. I've been really agitated. On top of this, my allergies have gone dreadfully awry so I have physically felt sick.

I just saw my t again this afternoon. After talking to me today, he said I probably should have checked myself in so pdoc could really work on the sleep disturbance. He told me that I MUST see him again this week, so I've scheduled both t and pdoc for Thursday afternoon.

Somethings gotta give or it's gonna be me.

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your sleep schedule. i do as well and i know how hard it can be. have you tried taking vitamin D? my endocrinologist had an article on his site about how it helps with delayed sleep insomnia and can help one get back onto a more normal schedule.

wow farmergirl, I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are exhausted for sure! You really do need to get some rest. You are spot on when you say that you need to rest or you will pay the price. My old saying is "Take time out before time takes you out."
Sending you tons of super energy hugs!

Farmer, I am glad you are taking care of yourself, seeing pdoc and t! keep taking care of you and stay safe. I wish i had a great idea for sleep, but i usually just do the ambien or tylenol pm route.... safe hugs and keep posting if it helps

ps i hate going to the hospital but i have never regretted my decision when i did go in....

Thanks guys. It's a bit after midnight and I'm wide awake. I feel like a baby that has its days and nights mixed up. I always hope that getting back to school will force me to sleep regular hours, but it doesn't seem to work that way. If I was in the hospital, my pdoc would work on regulating my sleep hours more aggressively. It's hard to do at home when it is this messed up. This has been going on a pretty long time now. I'm on that edge of checking in; feeling kind of desperate about things and the safety and routine of the hospital would probably be of benefit. Why is this decision so hard? It's that whole control issue I have. Maybe I'll get set up at school tomorrow so I'll feel some peace of mind if I admit myself.

please do, farmergirl. i remember you posting about your sleep issues a few weeks ago - i can't believe you've been running on lack of sleep all that time!! i get majorly depressed if i lose a few hours, but i have hypersomnia so i oversleep, often.
i agree it'll feel better if you take control and admit yourself. i think you owe it to you to get this under control, your family will understand and prefer that you're ok than totally wiped out in another week and then really worrying about you.
let us know what happens, i'll send sleep vibes over .

FG, are you taking a decongestant? Does your antihistamine have a decongestant? These things can cause some wicked insomnia. I can't touch them.

No, I'm not taking anything out of the ordinary. I'm like you with decongestants. Can't touch the things.

Antihistamines can cause insomnia.

Not on those either.

(((farmergirl)))

Just sending you some support, and an idea.
My cousin just went through a terrible time with insomnia, and it turned out to be hypthyroidism. Once she got her thyroid levels to the right place, the insomnia went away. The hormones in our bodies play so many important regulatory roles in our bodies, that an imbalance can affect just about every part of our lives.

If you haven't already, it might be worth getting a full physical to see if there is a physical cause for your insomnia.

Hang in there!

I just had a full physical and they adjusted my synthroid, but that didn't really make any difference. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I have a running dialogue going with my t today. He's been calling me between sessions for a few minutes. I want him to make this decision for me, but he's not about to do that of course. But he has been helping me lay out the advantages and disadvantages. He'll be calling me later. I'm going home early today.

Hang loose. You see them both Thursday still, don't you? The pdoc can maybe get a better clue what could help?

My thyroid meds sometimes work against me too. I have found that a combination of Alavert (grape-flavored, non-drowsy, OTC for allergies) and Pepcid Complete help me sleep without anything in there being a sleep aid. Just helps the congestion (if you can't breathe well you can't sleep well and that can start an exhausted-but-can't-sleep cycle) and any intestinal/reflux problems are taken care of too.

Thanks Perna.

T and I talked again this afternoon. We're taking it a day at a time. The long nights are the hardest for me. That's when I lose all my skills and get agitated, feel alone, and start having suicidal thoughts. It's then that I wish I was in the hospital where I know I am safe. T trusts me to get through the night. I wish I had such confidence.

My pdoc would admit me in a minute if I called him. He errs on the conservative side. T would rather I work through this I think. I'm holding tight to his confidence right now.

safe hugs and hopefully some sleep I am glad you have t

((((((((((((Chris))))))))))))

Are you SURE T would rather have you work through it? Or are you projecting?

How long do you think the stay at the hospital would be? If it's just a short term thing to get your meds straightened out so you can sleep, maybe Thursday is a good time to go, since it's not too far from a weekend.

Your family will be fine without you for a little while. They would rather have you alive and well and safe than any alternative.

Take care of you. You are important.

Yeah, t and I talked a long time about this yesterday. Since I'm not in any danger, he pointed out that I may be using the hospital as an escape. True. Boy do I want to escape. He also pointed out reasons why this might be a good idea. But in the past, when I NEEDED to go, he told me I NEEDED to go. This time would be more preemptory. Taking it a day at a time.

Just want to send you some hugs and wishes that you'll feel better and get more sleep soon, farmergirl.

Well, it's about 3AM and I'm up. I actually went to bed earlier, but it didn't last. 12 hours until I see t. A few more than that and I'll be at pdoc's office. On a 10 point scale, my depression level is an 8. Not a good place for me.

Oh my gosh, Farmergirl...I am so sorry about these sleeping problems I can hear how frustrated you are and that has got to be awful. Especially if those late nights are triggery and upsetting and scary for you. I really hope you and your T can work something out, for your health's sake...and sanity...
Sleep for me is one of those things that...when it gets dysfunctional (especially if there's no physical/medical cause) it really speaks to me going through something serious at the time. Same with food. And other things....It's like when i'm overwhelmed with major pain or problems, those basic needs get all out of whack and are the first to 'go." And sometimes it makes things lots worse.
So i hope you will go to the hospital, it sounds like maybe you could really get back on track if you did? Sending you positive energy.

((((((((((farmergirl)))))))))

ugh, sounds like you are in such a tough place right now. i posted something in the meds forum about a sleep clinic in ny that uses light therapy. i just might go one day as i sleep wacky hours too.

Hey farmergirl. I echo what the others have said and am so sorry to hear what you're going through. Last week I was about to admit myself. Had a chat with my p-doc on Fri and as I've only started seeing her recently, I'm still trying to figure out what her opinions on certain issues are and generally getting to know her. It was quite comforting to know that she would have totally supported me if I'd wanted to book myself into hospital.

But one of your posts really struck a chord with me - do I think of the hospital as an excuse, as an OUT? For a break from reality?

I hope your sessions later go well and it the path you need to walk down becomes clear and apparent to you. But really, if it's just short-term, and you feel you need it, a few days in hospital are really beneficial

Sugahorse, yes, the hospital no matter what condition I am in, is a break from reality. That's not necessarily a bad thing. You go in there and are completely safe. All decisions are made for you. You don't have to worry about the outside world much. I could use that right now.

I see both t and pdoc today. I suspect my pdoc will ask me again to admit myself. If he does, I'm fully prepared to do so.

Farmergirl - I think you are dealing with this the right way ((HUGS))

(((((((((((((((((((( Chris ))))))))))))))))

I'm wishing you peace and rest!!