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#1
May 18, 2010, 01:41 PM
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I can't believe it! For those of you who are following my thread about abuse memories, you know that i sent a letter to my old 4th grade teacher, telling her how much having her as a teacher meant to me, and also asking her if she happens to remember me, does she recall hearing or knowing anything about Mr. Hemmingsen and my SA? I also asked if she would send me her picture. She is 86 years old now and hasn't seen me for almost 40 years. I didn't figure i'd hear anything back.
SHE CALLED!!! I'm at work now, and my husband just phoned to tell me she called. Said she just got my letter and it brought her to tears. She is calling back at 5 pm today to talk to me. I'm excited and scared.  
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 WePow
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#2
May 18, 2010, 01:48 PM
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Oh, I hope she can reassure and comfort you. That is really nice that she cares that much. I have an 88 year old aunt that I still correspond/talk to one the phone and she was really helpful to me talking about my early childhood and what it was like.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#3
May 18, 2010, 02:06 PM
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Wow!......
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| peaches100
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#4
May 18, 2010, 02:25 PM
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Wow, that's amazing! Good luck with your phone call tonight, Peaches.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
| peaches100
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#5
May 18, 2010, 03:24 PM
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Good luck, Peaches!!! Your teacher sounds so touched that you remembered her, let alone wrote her a letter! Even if she doesn't have the answers you want, try to get what you can out of the conversation!!
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| peaches100
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#6
May 18, 2010, 06:16 PM
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That is awesome, I'm sure you made her day.
I'm a big believer in saying thank you to the people who have made a positive impact in my life. Often it is people who don't realize how important their small acts of kindness have been. Good luck with your call tonight
__________________
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi |
| peaches100
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#7
May 18, 2010, 07:31 PM
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How did the call go? Last year I found my 2nd grade teacher on facebook, and it has been wonderful reconnecting. She says she remembers me, but i'm still not sure. I know she was very touched to hear from me after all these years. you never know what kind of impact you will have on a child's life.
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#8
May 18, 2010, 10:02 PM
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wow! I hope it goes well. I was just thinking tonight f my 6th grade teacher and wondering if I can possibly still find her. She was the one who always noticed me sitting alone, or not doing well. I didn't know what I'd say to her, but I wanted to find her anyway. You've given me inspiration!
Let us know how it went and remember to do good self care tonight!
__________________
Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#9
May 19, 2010, 07:47 AM
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Well, I did it!! I talked to my 4th grade teacher last night! I still can't believe it. . .
She said I had sent the letter to her son's house, so he had brought it to her. So even though it has been almost 2 weeks since I sent it, she just got it yesterday. I had enclosed a childhood picture of me, and she said when she saw it, she knew right away who it was. (I had sent her what i thought was my 4th grade school picture, but it ends up that it was my 5th grade picture. Anyway, she said it was close enough that she knew it was me.) I kind of question whether she truly does remember me because i could tell her memory was not good for present-day things (she gave me her address 3 times, and one of those times, forgot the "Avenue D" part). But my t says that old people do remember the past better than the present, so I'm hoping she really truly does remember me. She is 85 years old. She told me she taught school for 30 years. I said that it was amazing that she would even remember me since she must have taught hundreds of students. She said, "Yes, but i really cared about my kids." She said she hadn't been a teacher for any other reason than that she really loved doing it. I asked her if she ever heard from any of her old students, and she told me that just recently, one of them had been in touch with her. She told me a number of times how happy she was to have received my letter. She said it made her whole day. (When she called previously while i was at work, she told my husband it had her in tears.) She also told me she would like to hear from me again, and that if she ever came to my state, she would like to see me. She told me she would send me a picture of herself. She did not know about my SA, and did not know Mr. H. So i wasn't able to get any verification or validation about what happened with him. However, she said she was very upset to hear about what happened to me and wished she could have done something. She seemed to really emphasize that i should not blame myself or feel bad about myself because of the SA. She told me that she remembers me as a little girl being very sweet, quiet, always modest, and just a lovely, lovely little girl. For some reason, i have not been ablet to think about those words or let them sink in because it makes me want to cry. I am holding her words and my emotions about them at a distance for now. All of this ties in so closely not just to my SA issue, but my feelings about myself and how my dad perceived me versus how she perceived me. It's too much for me to think about right now. I know that lurking in the background is that big question, if my teacher remembers me being a sweet, good little girl, then why didn't my dad feel the same way about me? Why did he always seem upset and irritated with me and yell at me alot? I think that's alot of the reason i grew up feeling bad about myself. Because it seemed that i could never be good enough or do things right enough so that he would be happy with me and want me to be around him. But this issue is something that i just can't handle thinking about right now. Anyway, just thought i'd share what happened as a result of my letter. Overall, I feel really good about it, even though she didn't know anything about my SA. I'm not sure why i am not letting myself feel the good warm feelings from what she said about me, except to say that i've never felt good about myself and so this is a difficult thing for me to believe and take in. It's almost like a gift that feels too big and good to let myself have. So i am kind of reporting it as a reporter would do, just telling the facts of what happened. I think maybe i'm still in shock that she even called. I can't believe she wants me to stay in touch. Yep, i'm still in shock. |
| WePow
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#10
May 19, 2010, 08:05 AM
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((((( Peaches! )))))) I am in tears reading your sharing about your teacher and you!! I think that is so healing and wonderful that she was able to tell you who she saw in you as a child. The truth was that you were exactly what your teacher saw. And that is so wonderful. BIG BIG hugs to you!!!!
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#11
May 19, 2010, 08:30 AM
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Quote:
What you are describing sounds like cognitive dissonance. You have an image of your inner child and it doesn't match with the image that your teacher has. What excellent stuff here to work on in therapy!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| Kiya
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#12
May 19, 2010, 08:36 AM
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What a wonderful story, thank you for sharing it! When it all sinks in I hope you get that good warm feeling because you deserve it and at some point I hope you believe it. You will!
Xtree
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"People do not fail, they just stop trying" |
| peaches100
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#13
May 19, 2010, 08:54 AM
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I'm glad she remembered you and had such nice things to say. Treasure those compliments. Now, are you ready to move forward even though you don't have confirmation about SA?
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#14
May 19, 2010, 09:52 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
| purple_fins
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#15
May 20, 2010, 07:17 AM
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Quote:
Perna, That's so nice that you correspond with your aunt! I have an aunt who is about 80 years old who sends me a letter once a year or so. She's the only relative who writes or keeps in touch in any way. She lives in an assisted living place and has 2 or 3 friends there. They get together on Tuesday evenings and play scrabble. I just think that sounds so cute! |
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#16
May 20, 2010, 07:18 AM
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So do you still keep in touch with your teacher? Or did you just connect the one time? |
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#17
May 20, 2010, 07:19 AM
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Kiya, Do you think you'll try contacting your 6th grade teacher? |
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#18
May 20, 2010, 07:21 AM
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Thanks for your support. I really *want* to believe i was that sweet, lovely child. In my mind, I'm thinking, "Oh, what a nice thing to say," but in my heart, I'm not sure how to believe it. I SOOOOO much want to but have never been able to see myself that way. Any tips on how to go about changing one's view of oneself?? |
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#19
May 20, 2010, 07:24 AM
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YES! YES! Cognitive dissonance! I've heard that term, and that's exactly what the problem is. When two different people express two different viewpoints of how i am, i don't know who to believe. Or if i feel i am one way, and somebody else tells me I'm some other way. For me, that is confusing. |
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#20
May 20, 2010, 07:28 AM
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Am i ready to move forward without confirmation? I don't know. I think I have accepted that i'm not going to get any proof/verification. There is nowhere else to look, and no one else to ask who would know or is willing to tell what they know. But to move forward, i would need to be able to believe my own memories and feelings, and to feel justified in feeling sorry for/or having compassion for myself as a little girl and what i went through. I would have to get over the critical voice inside that says it wasn't that bad, that i'm just a whiner, and that others have gone through so much worse and fared just fine. It's very, very hard for me to feel compassion for myself, or to see myself as someone who is legitimately hurting and deserving of compassion and love. I think that's one of the biggest hurdles standing in my way. |
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#21
May 20, 2010, 07:34 AM
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Quote:
You made a good point. Maybe it really truly wasn't about me. I would like to think it wasn't because i was a rotten kid, that maybe it was something in his own life that made him unable to bond with me or take pleasure in being my dad. That would make me feel soooo much better about myself. But you know what? My dad was much less critical of my sister than he was of me. And this is still very true. I think that's one of the reasons I've felt like it *must* be something wrong with me that keeps him from treating me better. It's true that he's really not very close with my sister either. But he does favor her and is proud of her, while he is disappointed in my life choices. He criticized me once for not going to college sooner (I was taking college classes while working full-time as an adult, while my sister went to college right out of high school). On that occasion, he said, "Why didn't you do things the way your sister did? She did everything right." That made me feel horrible! He also called me lazy that day and compared me with himself in that way. He was drunk when he said it. But it still hurts my heart because i feel that alcohol is what makes him speak out his true feelings about me. |
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#22
May 20, 2010, 08:09 AM
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My t once said, "It wasn't about you, Chris. It wasn't about you at all. It was about them and THEIR pathology."
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| Kiya
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#23
May 20, 2010, 12:51 PM
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Peaches, really good teachers (and people and parents) look for and see the good, the spark, the light in each child. Because they know it in themselves and are able to hold it for others. We all have our ups and downs; our trials, our acting out. but that is not who we ARE. We are that spark in life. We ARE good. When people (parents...) hate themselves, all they can see is is hate in their children. It is their pathology. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing bad in you. I am glad your teacher had such good to say to you! She saw the truth. And it is true - older people can remember the past like it was yesterday. The present moves too fast for them to hold on to (and I'm starting to know the feeling). My aunt is 80; uncle is 85 - it is true for them too, and she even has alzhimers (sp). But she's sharp as a tack on the past.
((((((Peaches))))))) take in what she gave you, for it is true and good. Quote:
Kiya
__________________
Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#24
May 21, 2010, 07:44 AM
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Kiya,
Thanks for the kind words! I don't know of any teacher registry, especially for the past. But I have a few other ideas for you. Do you have a 6th grade class picture, showing all the kids and the teacher? I got one for every grade i was in in elementary school. On mine, the name of the teacher is printed on it. How about report cards? (My mom had some of these.) They also had the teacher's name listed. Another idea is to search Facebook for the name of your school and city. Also google your school and city. Do you remember any kids from 6th grade that you could contact and ask them what the teacher's last name was? How about other teachers from grade school? Can you remember any of their names? If so, you could contact them and let them know you're trying to get in touch with your old 6th grade teacher. They might not know how to reach her, but they most likely would remember her last name. Maybe one of these ideas will get you in touch with her. |
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#25
May 21, 2010, 07:45 AM
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Also, Kiya, did your class put out any sort of yearbook from that grade?
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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