[Xtree]

A casual friend at work asked me if I he could call my T and make an appointment. I asked my T and she said that might not be a good idea so I never gave him my T’s name. We have talked about him in a few sessions and she believes he “likes” me too much and he is crossing boundaries with me. I like him as a friend but nothing more. She thinks I need try to be more clear with him and recommend I keep my distance. He has had a very colored past and is now going through a divorce.

He called my T anyways. I have no idea how he knew who she is! She asked me how I felt about it and said she doesn’t want this to be intrusive in my therapy in anyway. He is in a really bad way right now and I would never deny anyone treatment or any care they may need. He doesn’t know that I know and I have no intentions in talking to him about it. They are meeting tonight for the first time and I am not sure how I feel about it? I am not sure how this may turn out for me?

Thanks PC!
Xtree

[WePow]

Xtree - can your T recommend another T to that guy? I would stand my ground if I were you. Be very honest about what YOU need from therapy. If it would bother you in any way, let T know!

((((((((((Xtree))))))))))

If you don't feel comfortable with this person seeing your T, it's okay. There are SO many T's out there - you are NOT denying him treatment in any way, shape, or form by setting this boundary. It sounds like even your T thinks that it might not be a good idea to see him. I'm sure she can give him excellent referrals.

I have students who go to my t and other teachers who see my pdoc. It really has never been a problem. It's not like we talk about our sessions together or anything. If he had just randomly ended up seeing your t, would you feel the same? Sounds like he went to your t because he kind of took your seeing that t as a recommendation sort of. It probably won't be a problem at all. Let your t handle the situation from here.

[perpetuallysad]

This may have been obvious but: how do you know he called your t? You said he doesn't know that you know he called, does that mean your t told you he called her?

[ECHOES]

This happened to me. I actually suggested my T but made the assumption that she would refer the person because the person was struggling with an additction issue, and I assumed she wanted an therapist who specializes in addiction, and mine doesn't.
I tried to be okay with it, but I wasn't so I told my T about my feelings. I thought I could learn to be okay with it if we talked about it. Even though they had met 3 times, she listened to me and then made her own decision to refer the person to another therapist.

Like you, I wanted this person to get the help she wanted and I think referring her to another therapist gave her that opportunity.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Xtree

We have talked about him in a few sessions and she believes he “likes” me too much and he is crossing boundaries with me.... She thinks I need try to be more clear with him and recommend I keep my distance.

This is what disturbs me about this situation. It's not like he is just a casual friend who needs help. He is someone with a history of boundary crossing with you and that your T recommends you keep your distance from. Perhaps seeing your therapist is another boundary crossing for him, a way that he will use to grow "closer" to you. He will learn all about your T and what it is like to be a client with her. He and you would now have this "in common." It doesn't feel right to me, based on what little you've said.

I had this guy friend in college, and right after we graduated, he was making money by painting people's houses. He contacted my family, who lived 1000 miles from our university, and said he would paint their house for a good fee. So he traveled all that way, they put him up in their house, he slept in my old bedroom, which still had some of my belongings and clothes in it, he got to know my parents, etc. This guy really liked me in college (understatement), but we were just friends because I wasn't interested. I always felt like he went to live with my parents that summer just to get more information about me, and learn about my home, my parents, etc. (I remained living near our college.) Xtree, that's kind of how I see your friend, who went to the trouble to sleuth out the name of your T, set up an appointment, all unbeknownst to you, etc.

Xtree, if you are not comfortable with his seeing your T, please tell your T. Your T can give him some referrals to suitable colleagues.

Originally Posted by Xtree

He is in a really bad way right now and I would never deny anyone treatment or any care they may need.

You are not denying this guy treatment. There are many therapists out there for him to choose from.

Originally Posted by Xtree

He doesn’t know that I know and I have no intentions in talking to him about it.

Your T can tell him without your name even being mentioned. She can just say she's not taking new clients, or his issues are out of her scope of practice, etc. She will know what to say without revealing anything about whether you know or not.

[Perna]

I don't know how big your work population is or the town you're in or what a "casual" friend is. You seem to know a lot about his problems (might be what your T says is his boundary crossing, he tells you more about himself than you want to know).

I'm curious how your T knew it was the guy you know and discussed it with you? I never gave people's names to my T anymore than I gave T's name to others?

I would decide what I wanted out of all this. If you want to learn to keep better boundaries, I would leave things as they are and practice being clearer with him during any discussions so he does not give you more information about himself than you want to hear and knows what sorts of questions about yourself you are not interested in answering. I would also ask questions of T and make sure I understood the whole transaction they had that your T thought it was a good idea to share with you the information that he had contacted her and was seeing her and what she said in return about you/how she knew he knew you (If I told my T I knew "Xtree" I wouldn't like her telling Xtree about me! He may have just picked a T and happened to have gotten yours to go see but I would want to be sure of my T and that the T was not a potential source of difficulty for my own interests).

xtree, i agree with sunny on this. this sounds a bit creepy that he somehow found out who your T is and has made an appointment without telling you. i also think your T could refer him out without letting him know you now know although it might be good to confront him on that once she has referred him out. please be careful and stay safe.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by bloom3

xtree, i agree with sunny on this. this sounds a bit creepy that he somehow found out who your T is and has made an appointment without telling you. i also think your T could refer him out without letting him know you now know although it might be good to confront him on that once she has referred him out. please be careful and stay safe.

Thanks, Bloom, these were my thoughts too. Xtree ...I was very surprised to hear that yr T agreed to meet with this guy, if she understood that you had not given him her name. I think that's important. be careful

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by sunrise

This guy really liked me in college (understatement), but we were just friends because I wasn't interested. I always felt like he went to live with my parents that summer just to get more information about me, and learn about my home, my parents, etc.

Thanks PC friends! This scenario is very possible. Let's see if I can answer without being too confusing. I said I to T that I hope his intentetions are genuine. She agreed and said she will keep a very close eye on it.

He asked me if he could see my T and I did not respond with yes or no. I did not tell him her name. I wanted to ask T what she thought before giving him any definite answer. T said she did not want to push our boundaries and it would be best for her to give him a referral. In my next session she told me she had a “new client” and said she could not say anything more about it (privacy) but we continued to talk about it. She asked me how I felt about it. I was caught off guard a little and said it was okay. I am not sure how I feel about it yet?

He has not mentioned anything to me about other than he had a doctor’s appointment. I know this was his session because I know her schedule and his. He does not know I know and hasn’t mentioned it to me. I do not what was said when he called, my T couldn’t tell me. She knows for a fact he is the person I work with but again wouldn’t tell me why.

Xtree

[WePow]

Xtree - I think you must continue to be honest with T about how you FEEL about this. Do not hide your truth.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Xtree

T said she did not want to push our boundaries and it would be best for her to give him a referral. In my next session she told me she had a “new client” and said she could not say anything more about it (privacy) but we continued to talk about it.

This seems contradictory to me. She said it would be best if she gave him a referral, but yet she is indeed seeing him as a client? If she wants to refer him, shouldn't she do that right away instead of waiting? Why is she not referring him if she said it would be best? Seems like she is changing her mind... Do you think she really needs new clients, so is taking on this guy even though she said it would be best to refer him?

I do not what was said when he called, my T couldn’t tell me. She knows for a fact he is the person I work with but again wouldn’t tell me why.

This sounds really uncomfortable to me, with your T dropping little bits of information to you but not being able to expand, due to confidentiality. Yuck. It would almost be better not to know anything than to get these little hints. She probably knows that this is a person you work with because he told her.

Xtree, if you are really OK with this arrangement, then that's great. But if you're not, tell your T that. Your own T said it is best if she refers him, and sometimes it is good to trust their professional judgment. Your co-worker has very little invested in this T relationship, so it is not going to be devastating if he starts with another T after just one session with yours.

[imapatient]

I'll relate my experience and thoughts.

I had a GF who set-up an appointment with my old T. After the phone set-up, my T realized it was my GF--we were having problems and she was getting a little strange. In session T told me about "someone making an appt" with her, asking my GF's last name, but without literally saying it was my GF. So she could formally maintain privacy for the person who called her. Anyway, she explained that as a matter of conflict of interest how T's won't meet oftentimes with people who are close or involved in the lives of an existing patient, etc. It was all code for "Your GF made an appt, I now know it was her, and I'm not going to see her." Later that day, the GF came over desperate, angry, and crying b/c my T cancelled with her, playing dumb like she didn't know why--my T just told her there was a conflict of interest. I'd never told the GF my T's name, but easy enough to find out. The GF acted like it was totally random that she made an appt with my T, out of at least 1500+ T's in my 2.5 million+ metro are; claimed someone gave her her name. Lie. I broke up with her shortly--we were on the rocks anyway. Turns out she thought I was having an affair with my T--paranoia--and great, great, great ugliness later ensued with actions she took involving that T and me, successfully (for her intentions) bringing an end to that therapy relationship.

In your case you need to get 2 different things sorted out, the "friend" and the T.

How big of an area do you live in? How likely is it that he'd have without trying chosen your T? In my case, it wasn't believable (for issues beyond merely the stats).

Why did he want to see your T? Did you talk about her? Along the lines of what Sunrise said, it sounds like a way to try to get close to you--maybe he thinks that in talking about you with her he can learn some things.

You have to figure out your T. I can't from your description, just as Sunrise said she seemed to contradict herself.

It sounds like she did what my T did, which was tell me solidly but indirectly without absolutely identifying my GF that my GF was the person in question.

Why see him? Well, you didn't tell her it bothered you clearly enough it seems. I don't think she should've seen him because it seems to bother you enough even though you weren't adamant about it. The area size is a factor; if it's not a very small area he should have plenty of options available.

I think he's up to something weird enough that you shouldn't risk making therapy seem uncomfortable for you. That would be horrendous. You don't have to serve his needs, protect your therapy and let your T know it's too much of a concern for you. If it's bothering you enough to write about it as you have here, it could easily hinder your therapy progress.

It doesn't pass the smell test with this guy, and the potential downside could be tremendously bad for you even if it is innocent on his part and devastating if he is up to no good.

[perpetuallysad]

The fact that these ts are willing to give out hints about who is calling them to make appointments really bothers me. I can appreciate the bad feelings of maybe seeing the same t, but the ts who TELL you without directly telling you who is calling them seem to be unprofessional, if not unethical. My t sees some of my ex-boyfriends, but he sure doesn't ever mention a thing about it to me, and I imagine he doesn't say anything to them. That seems like a breach of trust. (The only way I know he sees them is because he's the only pdoc around and I've run into some in the office.)

I agree with perpetuallysad. It seems odd or unethical or something that the T tells the client these things. I don't understand the point of that at all.

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by imapatient

I think he's up to something weird enough that you shouldn't risk making therapy seem uncomfortable for you. That would be horrendous. .

It seems like my T did contradict herself. When I asked her about seeing him she said she would rather refer him out but when he called she scheduled an appointment for him. Maybe she thought I gave him her name anyways, I don not know.

My problem is I do not know what he said? Whether he said I referred him? If he knows that my T knows that I am her client. Or if he knows that I know?

I do not live in a huge area but the medical industry is booming here so there are plenty of Ts to choose from and the odds are slim that it was coincidental.

Xtree

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Xtree

My problem is I do not know what he said? Whether he said I referred him? If he knows that my T knows that I am her client. Or if he knows that I know?

Do these things matter that much? If you know how you feel about this, then you can just tell your T. If you don't want this guy to see her for therapy, tell her. If you are OK with it, you can tell your T that.

Originally Posted by Xtree

It seems like my T did contradict herself. When I asked her about seeing him she said she would rather refer him out but when he called she scheduled an appointment for him. Maybe she thought I gave him her name anyways, I don not know.

maybe he didn't indicate that he worked with you until he was there at the appointment with her? unless of course your T already knew his full name.

take care xtree.

[WePow]

I just had an odd thought - I wonder if your T agreed to see him so she could see if you were "safe" working with him. Like an secret evaluation of him of sorts? IDK... just that popped into my mind.

[geez]

I'm thinking along the same lines as WeePow. Perhaps it's in your best interest for your T to see him. From what you have said Xtree about his boundry crossing it seems like it wouldn't be of any harm to have an extra set of eyes on him? I would think your t could be helping you by helping him perhaps?

If things got weird I would think your t would terminate or refer him to someone else.