Sent T an email....panicking...(Trigger: CSA)

I am having a really hard time with this....the procedure that's taking place on my neck tomorrow.

The idea of being under conscious sedation (medically induced disassociation, if you will) and people touching my neck is totally freaking me out....

It brings me back to all sorts of "old stuff" with CSA....and how I was lifted by my throat and slammed against a tree....Held down on the ground by one person turning my head to the side so I couldn't see what was happening...while another person....disassociating during it....having no control over the situation...ICK ICK ICK.....

And then the idea of physical therapy. People TOUCHING ME....

Intellectually, I know that they are there to help me, not hurt me....But for some reason, I can't seem to separate the "then" from "now"....

I don't know how I'm going to get through this....

((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))

I am SO sorry that you have to have a procedure and it's bringing up so much old stuff.

I have an issue with my neck/throat, so I can SO relate to what you're feeling. I'm getting better with it, but for many, many years, I couldn't even deal with my children hugging me around the neck. Body memories are hard to fight.

I'm glad you e-mailed T. Sometimes just posting on here and e-mailing/calling T (even if he doesn't have time to respond) can help me through something scary.

I do think that sometimes the anticipation is worse than the event itself. I saw a chiropractor over the last few years for migraines, and I was very scared going in initially, because I knew she would have to manipulate my neck. But EVERYTHING she did was on the back/sides and I made it through (repeatedly!) and it was never as bad as I had feared it would be.

Sometimes something like this ends up giving us the push we need to start talking to T, and to start healing. Like...the fear of continuing to live with the secret and the triggers finally becomes worse than the fear of talking. I hope you will let yourself process this with T however you need to. People always say that "the only way out is through" and I've found that to be true. AND I've found that even though the "through" sucks and is painful and scary, in the end, IT IS WORTH IT. And YOU are worth it, mue. You deserve to live without fear.

Sending lots of hugs and good wishes for today. I hope you will let us know how it goes

Sending safe hugs for you.

Thank you....

I guess this is a good push for me to start dealing with this in T. What timing. Ugh. I wish I was able to work through this before this procedure came up....but I just found out about it last Friday...can't cancel it now...and don't have my session with T until the day after the procedure.

In a small way, I wish T was going to be there with me during the procedure, holding my hand through it all....but then, I'd be mortified with him there at the same time, seeing me struggling through it....

My mom is taking me there, and she knows nothing about the CSA or my issues....and will be in the waiting room....so, I feel so alone....I have a friend I can call who I know would be there if I wanted her to....but I don't know. I hate inconveniencing people....

BTW, Tree, I felt the same way when I was going for head/neck massages. I had to have several conversations with the massage therapist about my fears before going. And she, too, only dealt with the sides and back of my neck which was helpful....but I still felt panic and disassociated during the massages...I wish I was able to enjoy them more. *sigh* Maybe someday....

mixedup im sorry you have to go through this and i hope all is well after and your health is better

Wow. My T just responded to my email...and he said that my reaction is powerful and that he supports me in my panic because he can appreciate how helpless and intrusive all of this is. What I'm going through is traumatic. He then offered the following:

- If the procedure is at a time he can prepare for, he will meet me there to help me through it;
- He can arrange to talk to me by phone prior to the procedure;
- He can meet me today instead of or in addition to my regular Thursday session;
- I can know that he is completely in my corner and will help me address this panic in a way that will hopefully lead to longer term healing.

Then he said, "I am here for you"....



As much as I would love to take him up on the offer to be there with me, I can't. I just can't have him there. Maybe I will set up a session for today. I don't know.

wow what an amazing T .be brave mixed

Those were such amazing offers of support your T offered! I hope you can take him up on one of his offers, like the extra session or the phone call (or both!).

Thanks.....

I took him up on the session today. Will be seeing him in a few hours...so that'll be a one-on-one session with him for 45 minutes...and then an hour later, I'll have group T.

At the moment, I am feeling sick and numb. I hope I am able to make some good use out of this session instead of just closing up....

hi mixedup. just curious, but you didn't say anything about the actual email to your therapist. what did it say and did he reply? i'm not asking for details, just wondering as this was the title of the post lol! that's good that you see him later and then have group. it sounds like you have a lot of support systems in place when you need it. ps. good luck tomorrow - i'm sure it'll go great!

oh wow, that would be a huge trigger for me, too. The neck thing, and the conscious sedation both.
I'm so glad your T is so supportive to you during this, MUE! I understand about wanting him there and not wanting him there at the same time. I would want my T there but no actually WANT her there if it was me. I think your extra session and phone call(s) should help you out a lot.

We'll be here for you, too.

I emailed him basically telling him that I was panicking and that this upcoming procedure is bringing out all sorts of awful feelings - and that I don't know what I need from him, but that I needed him to tell me something that will help me get through it.

He replied with the above.

My T is very supportive...but group? Not so much. I wouldn't dare bring this up as a topic in group. They are the least supportive people in my life. In fact, they are a source of distress for me at times. It's like I am having to teach them how to be supportive (my T even said that to me a couple times before)...

I'm glad I'm not alone with my feelings....

I am hoping the extra session will help. I don't know that I would actually talk to him prior to the procedure, but I will hold onto the option. My mom will be there with me, so I pretty much feel like I need to hold my feelings together because she knows nothing of my issues. UGH. She is sooo not the person I need with me at that moment. Oh well.

(((((MUE)))))

I hope it goes okay.