I don't have to discontinue therapy

After all my worrying about whether I would be able to see T after I start grad school, the solution turned out to be very easy--kind of a letdown! When it came time to schedule for next time, T asked me the hours of my program, I said 8-5, and he said well how about 6? I said OK, then clarified to make sure it was for a long session: "from 6-7:30?" (Usually he doesn't work past 5 or 6.) Yes, he said. And that was that. He even said, "that was easy." So I guess he is willing to stay late for me. I just really had not thought he would do this. I didn't even have to ask.

It was not what I would all an earth-shattering session, but a nice, relaxed one. I found out some things about T's background and practice that I didn't know before--like he used to work at an eating disorder clinic for several years when he was a new T. That surprised me! I had known he did drug addiction counseling early on but not EDs. And he also told me about the growth of his private practice from its beginning some 20 years ago, and how big his client load is, and how much that varies. He also told me how many calls he returns from clients a day (2-3 typically but at times, like now, quite a bit more--lots of current and potential clients calling!) and how much time he can spend doing that. It made me even more glad that I don't call him much, as I can see this really eats into his out of office time. This was all a bit shocking to me as he has never encouraged me to call him on the phone and in fact has said don't do it if I want a swift response (he prefers email). But yet all these clients call him, although perhaps many are potential client inquiries. I guess my vision of him as the T with the strict boundaries about outside contact are fading, although I guess a good deal of the calls could be about logistics rather than support.

At one point, I was getting a little frustrated with myself for circling a topic endlessly, and I said almost mid sentence, "this isn't important." T said, "what?" "You threw me curve ball. Explain." So I told him this wasn't what I really wanted to be talking about--it was kind of close, though, so not un-useful. It's not like we were talking about cell phones or something, I said. (Earlier, we had spent some time talking about cell phones.) I had initiated this rather techy discussion and had wanted to talk about this. I wasn't trying to take it back or say it was a waste of time. T immediately responded, "that was us building our rapport." I know this is true, as we like to bond over shared interests and such lately, but it was interesting to hear T immediately characterize our discussion as having a clinical function. I guess nothing is simply just "chewing the fat" in therapy, is it?

We also had this interesting talk about what I perceived to be the most significant/important/memorable moment from our last session. And how that can change over time--often different after a week or two of processing than what I might feel immediately after the session. I am already thinking, "what was the most significant moment from today?" I have my answer. Will it change with time? I think I am going to start making a habit of telling T what the significant moment was when I see him at the next session. I think this could help bring us back to the previous session and provide some continuity. We've never done anything like that before. I think I'll give it a go and see what happens. I think it will help T learn more about me, and that is usually helpful.

That's great, sunrise! You realize though, that he's willing to work late because it means he gets to sleep in late those mornings now?

YEAH!

Did you really think your T would dump you that easily? It sounds like you have a great relationship and you were not asking him to change his boundaries 'just because' -- you are going to be at school, that's legit!!

Plus, you will need his support as you transition into a new phase of your life. How could he dump you then? He's been with you along time; this is a new and exciting chapter....

No school smilie, so you get this...

i'm so glad for you sunrise.things are looking a bit brighter

Hurray!! But I knew it. I'm just wondering if there's anything you can learn from what happened. Are your expectations of important people in your life usually so low? I had no doubt T would fit you in, but you seemed to think that was unlikely. Is this a pattern that would be useful to think about?

(((sunrise)))

Yay!!! I'm so glad that it all worked out for you.

And, I love your idea of sharing with T important moments from the previous session.

You absolutely deserve all the good things coming to you, I hope you can really feel that inside.

I'm so glad, sunny.

That is just awesome. Glad to hear it.

Ahhh, it's all becoming clearer now.... Great to know I can use sleep to motivate my T.

This is probably wishful thinking, but how readily he was willing to accommodate me makes me think he gets something out of our meetings too.

That smilie is perfect for how I feel right now, with a zillion responsibilities to take care of before school starts. Like my plumbing that is causing problems again. My lawn that I can't seem to get mowed because of the frequent rain. My work projects that I can't seem to finish off at home. etc. etc. Not to mention worrying about whether I would be able to get on T's schedule. Yep, that smilie has my name on it. Thanks, SW.

I already know I have a problem with making a key, erroneous assumption about relationships. I tend to assume relationships are rather one-way, and that it is all my responsibility to make them work. It is like I assume the other person is a stone, and that there is only one person who can actively try to solve problems or change things--me! I am active and changeable, and the other person is static and unchangeable. I did this in my marriage for a zillion years. I made many accommodations and tried to change many things about myself to make the relationship work. Sure, it can be good to change parts of oneself that are harming a relationship, but I guess the odd thing was, that I just had no expectation that he would do the same. It was all up to me. I think I just had this philosophy that I can change myself and my behavior but I can't change another person, so I will do what I can. And the other person can make efforts too if they want, but that is out of my control and consideration and expectation. I know it's warped, and I recognize it now and try to have higher expectations of people. I should expect the other person to participate in the relationship, to care about it, and to help with it. I think I have made progress in coming to see that relationships are two-way, and that there are two people involved, not one person and a stone. For example, in my relationship with my youngest daughter, I have elevated my expectations for her contribution. We even went to family therapy for it.

So, you are probably seeing a bit of this in my thoughts about T, rainbow. It doesn't help that the T relationship does have one-way elements about it, so that can throw off my emerging idea that I can have expectations of the other person in the relationship. It's hard for me to understand how much I can expect T to "help with the relationship" because the T relationship is kind of odd. Do the same rules apply? Hard to figure out sometimes. Plus, I had 3 years of experience with my T, who was very protective of his out-of-work time. There were a number of times that we could not find a time to schedule that worked for us both the week I wanted an appointment (particularly when I saw him weekly). It was always up to me to accommodate to his schedule. If I didn't have a free time that matched with his openings, then we had to schedule the following week. He never bent his schedule and said he would just stay late for me or come early or whatever. And I didn't expect him too--my other healthcare providers, such as my family doctor, don't accommodate me either. So after these 3 years of experience, I assumed he just didn't do this, and I accepted this. It felt familiar--it is always up to sunny to change and accommodate. Again, the responsibility was all mine to accommodate to him (just like in my marriage). I accepted this without question.

I can't tell you all how great it felt when T said to me, "how about 6 pm?" It just about knocked my socks off. Even though I feel we have a somewhat two-way relationship in a number of ways, when he said that, I just felt in my body, "he's in this relationship too." Very visceral. Wow.

I read now the responses of a number of you and see you had this expectation that of course my T would change or accommodate. It seems somewhat pathetic that I couldn't have that expectation of my own T. Somehow you guys could see that this situation was different and that of course he would accommodate me, whereas I was stuck in "these are his rules and boundaries, he has never bent them before, of course he will not this time, he is like my other healthcare providers." I have a lot to learn from you all, and this is one reason why it is helpful for me to post here--to get a different perspective, a reality check.

So thanks to you all.

((((sunrise))))
I don't think that your fears about him not being able to fit you in were patetic at all.
Also, I think you are right that we on the outside saw the situation differently, but I think the other part to that is that you are the one who was facing the possibility of discontinuing T when you didn't want to. You had all of the emotions involved with that to contend with, whereas we could see the situation more dispassionately. It's not because of some disordered thinking on your part, I think anyone would be afraid and looking at the worst case scenario in that situation. I know I would be.

Sunrise, I like your idea for beginning your session and purposefully connecting with important reflections from the previous session. I think I need to try that. It might be a way for me to attempt to address my sense of circling and avoiding too. I also liked your comment about how your perceptions of the session changes as it rattles around in your head for a week or two. It made me think of little comments my T sometimes makes during the session that for whatever reason...I immediately cut off, redirect or just plain ignore.

I eventually acknowledge process them but rarely ever directly follow-up. Yeah, I know-I still carry the in-session jackass title.:-/ I'm just glad my T seems to get this, hence why she continues to inject these little breadcrumbs into our sessions despite my oppositional behavor.

Thanks Sunrise for sharing this idea.

The more I think about it, the more enthused I am about this idea. My T always lets me choose what to work on, and I rarely come back to anything from the previous session. I am "all over the place." Somehow, I think I felt a little embarrassed to return to anything from a previous session, because that would indicate to T that something had been important to me, and it would be making myself vulnerable to let him know that. (I am articulating this stupid thought for the first time ever here.) I know that growing up, I grew to be very careful never to let my M know that something was important to me, because she tended to use those things against me to hurt me. Gah, this is all so stupid to discover these little remnants of child behaviors that dog me still. I know there have been many times in therapy I wished to continue discussing an issue from the previous week but didn't allow myself to bring it up for this reason, or I would camoflauge my attempt to bring it up again, coming at it seemingly by happenstance, from a weird angle .

More recently in therapy, I have been trying to tell T this one "story" from my past and it is taking a long time (T is patient). It is really, really hard for me to bring the same story up at a subsequent session. Sometimes it takes me until all the way through the session to do this. Part of this is "circling and avoiding", as chaotic said, because the events I want to share are critical and painful. But part of it is actually behavior "in the now" because I am reluctant to indicate the importance of this topic to T by continually bringing it up. So I skip it some sessions and in others, wait until the end. There is no sense in this, because I have told T point blank that this is a very important topic for me. So he knows. But old patterns die hard. Very very hard for me to willingly let someone know that something is important to me. It is like the tide going in and out--hard to fight.

So this idea I had to start telling T the most significant moment for me from the last session will be really good for me. It is like a structured tool to bring me back to the previous session and to foster continuity. Because it is so structured, it isn't so hard for me to do it: it will be like I'm not doing it because its important to me, but because it is part of this structure I will establish in our sessions. I am actually going to say to T that I am starting this new thing in our sessions--at every session I am going to tell him the most significant thing from the last. I won't just tell him the things, but I will tell him this is how the structure will be and then follow through. I think this will really help me to have this established structure.

I wonder have other people established "structures" for themselves like this in therapy? Maybe this is common and I have just been unusually structureless or free form in my sessions?? T has never commented one way or another--he just goes with the flow.

Oh, yes, I do this too. The ignoring of certain of T's comments. I don't think it escapes his notice. Sometimes they will come up for me later when I have more distance and can process.

I am really excited to add this new structure next time!

I am SO glad that HE initiated this instead you having to ask. I had a feeling (tho not sure) that he would do this for you. Not a second thought about it. Sigh.....

I loved reading your post. I think I also would have hearing T consider "chewing the fat" part of the session in clinical terms. It really IS therapy, huh? There is no casual conversation. I always wonder when Im with T if everything said there is for some kind of theraputic reason. Or is there really any chatting going on.

It seems like telling T what the most significant parts of the previous session is also practice telling T that something IS important and matters to you. And how that feels.

I had the same mother. I relate a lot to the stories you tell about your mother. I also was very careful about telling my mother (or anyone) that something or someone was important to me or that I had feelings about it or them. I was way too vulnerable that way. There are still times I have to force myself to deliberately allow myself to be vulnerable and to know that I will be okay no matter what the response. And it was all good because I was myself, with my feelings and my likes. That it is okay, but being able to do this took a long time and it still can be a struggle.