Awful session with T today....

I didn't think I could feel any worse....

I don't know if he was using some newfound skills that he learned at the convention last week or what, but I did not like how T was today.

I felt pushed...and then abandoned. Lots of silence...and then I told him that I was done wasting his time....and then the session was over, I grabbed my stuff and left.

I have no idea what happened today. No idea.

(((((((MUE)))))))

I'm sorry you has such a rough session today. I hope next week is better. Take care of yourself.

oh wow, MUE, that is so hard. I'm sorry. I wonder if you can email your T and say what you said in your post? If it was me I wouldn't want to have to sit with those feelings until my next session.

((MUE)) sorry you had a bad session today. I hate when T seems different-change without warning is never good IMO.

Thanks...I feel so defeated, confused and alone...I went from pure panic and terror about my procedure, but feeling really good about my T being there for me....to feeling totally abandoned.

I emailed T, telling him that I had no idea what happened today. That I left his office feeling very alone, detached, sad and confused...and that I just don't understand it. It wasn't what I needed after the week I had and I didn't think I could feel any worse.

He replied that he's hanging in there with me and hope that I do the same. He said rough patches are part of the process. He then said he felt honored today that I could feel comfortable enough with him to close my eyes and drift away, in particular when I had so much angst about being vulnerable with my other dr.

I replied that I am so confused. I don't understand any of this and don't feel good about any of it. I told him I felt pressured, confused and then all alone. I felt like I was annoying him and wasting his time...and now you tell me you felt honored? I don't get it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost the f-n manual for my life.

He said that being off balanced and confused is often times a preface to unifying. If we didn't feel off kiltered, we would likely be in the same place doing the same thing. What was 'working' for me isn't any longer and I am trying desperately to right the ship. It won't all become clear as quickly as I need it to. My willingness to take risks and explore is all that's require to move ahead.

I replied that at this moment, I don't know that I am willing to take risks. I feel uncomfortable and angry. I told him that I didn't recognize him today and feel lost and abandoned...and that I don't know what I need from him, but at the moment, I am not feeling well enough about us to want to move ahead.

He replied, saying he honors my feelings about that and won't push.



UGH...I don't know what to make of that. I don't know what I want or need anymore. I don't like where we are right now and don't know what to do to make it better....I just know at this moment, I don't want to go back. It's like I don't even know who he is anymore.

Sorry to keep harping on about this. I am just so upset....

My last email to T was something along the lines of saying that I didn't know what to make of his last comment. That he made it perfectly clear during the session today that I can either choose to "start walking" or to stay where I am. I said that that I'm not sure how to not feel pushed when he already put me at the fork in the road...and that perhaps he can test his newfound skills from his conference on someone else who is more receptive.

...

I feel so upset, angry, humiliated...He basically told me during my session to "***** or get off the pot"....and then says he won't push?

I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that I feel hurt by all this...and I just don't see how we're going to get past this.

ugh, I hate that feeling of being pushed by T. I have felt the same way I think you are feeling right now, MUE. That T SAYS he's not pushing you, but is pushing you while he says it. Yes?

It is so, so hard to feel that disconnection and lack of support from T. I have learned from painful personal experience, though, that what your T said about ruptures is true. When I work through a rupture with my T, I have always ended up feeling more connected to and supported by her as a result. I don't know why it is that way, and it's complicated for me by the fact that my T doesn't talk about our relationship with me.

(((MEU))) sounds like you got a version of the get up and move or life will run you over knock you back down again talk...
Just sending you positive vibes.

Thanks, zoo....

I don't know how to get past this though. I don't know how I will be able to sit there in a session without feeling as though I am wasting our time if I'm not delving into the hard stuff. I feel like he's lost all patience for me and is annoyed at me for not progressing as quickly as he wants.

And his pushing so hard is detrimental to our relationship. Especially NOW after the week I've had. I disclosed some really, really hard stuff this week....major....with him....stuff that I was avoiding discussing for the last year...and THIS is what I get from him TWO days later??

Thanks, chaotic....

A T could very well say that at any given time during therapy, and I'm not quite sure it is an effective approach. In the last 15 months that I've been in therapy, I have made enormous changes....with the big ones being splitting up with my abusive husband of 15 years, divorcing him, dealing with his craziness and managing through it, standing up to my abusive boss, learning new skills in group T and applying them...I've done an awful lot.

And then I finally start touching on tough stuff from the past and BAM! I am not progressing fast enough for T....WTF?

((((((MUE))))))

I hope that you are able to go in on your next appointment and talk about this and reconnect with your T. I know I would be angry if my T if she had come back from a conference and stated that I needed to be progressing faster in T. It sounds like you need to talk about this more in person. Take care.

MUE, your T's emails sound very different from how you describe him in session. Do you think that because of your email exchange, he changed his mind and realized he was pushing you too hard and it was a mistake? And now he is saying things that don't match up to how he was in session, so it is confusing? It could be good--he listened to what you said in your emails and changed his mind. What do you think? Maybe the two of you are on the same page now.

To me, this sounds great. He has listened to you and is not going to push.

Too bad. It's your therapy, not his. When he sees his own T (if he has one), he can choose to work at a lightning pace if he wants and get the gold medal. But this is your therapy and you can go more slowly. What is it they say about the tortoise and the hare?

So he hasn't answered this email yet? I am wondering how much of all of this ^ is assumptions on your part?

No, he hasn't answered the email yet....

I don't believe that I am making assumptions about this. I can tell you almost word for word what he said, and it was pretty clear.

hugs mue,many many hugs

Okay, now I understand that what you were explaining were his words. (It wasn't clear before).

It will be good for you two to talk about this more.

Thanks for the hugs. I really need them....

After playing the session over and over again in my head....I have come to this awful place....sorry for rambling on again...

I feel like I'm stuck with making a decision, an ultimatum....to either move forward with what T is pushing me toward, or to discontinue therapy.



I don't want to waste any more of "our" time. But I'm too fearful and depleted to go in that direction right now. So, I guess the answer is pretty clear....

I see a third option that is in the middle (yes, getting healthy involves finding this gray zone). This gray zone is called continuing to talk to your T and for both of you to come to a higher understanding of what is going on.

Ahh, Sannah....

The gray zone you outlined is certainly more comforting than the two cards I put on the table........Thank you.

I will try not to be too hasty.

I have been so upset since yesterday about all this. I didn't make it work AGAIN today. Not good. Not good at all.

But I haven't been able to cry...even though I want to...I feel it building up...and almost to the surface....and then it just sinks back down to that awful, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat.

UGH.

(((mixedup)))

I know you are super sensitive right now, and I can't help but think your interpretation of T trying out new techniques on you is accurate. I can see T being excited from the conference, and being a bit too gung-ho with you.

Perhaps T needs a little time to realize this, but it is because of your honesty that he will learn a valuable lesson. You will also have the opportunity to learn that T is human, and that by speaking up you can strengthen your relationship.

For what its worth..I think you ARE 's***ing'. The things you are dealing with right now are HUGE, and I don't think you could s**t anymore if you tried.

Many warm and supportive thoughts for you. Hang in there and take this day to rest.

OMG, you are so funny. I seriously laughed out loud at this....Aside from the humor...

WOW, thank you for the words of validation...

It helps a lot to hear that and helps me to be a little more hopeful, with as awful as it feels.

can you focus on that, MUE? On all those things, those big huge DIFFICULT things, that you have done in the last year or so? I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for all that you have been through, and all those changes you've made in a relatively short period of time.

And if you feel like your T doesn't give you credit for it, remind him of the progress you have made!