I know I haven't been around lately, but..

Hi everyone,
First off, I apologize for not being around lately. I stopped posting in this forum because I felt I had nothing to contribute to the discussions. I know this forum is filled with members more insightful than I, so I'm wondering if I could please have some help with my problem?

You might remember, a few months ago I was having trouble with my T regarding politics. Yes I know it's such a stupid thing to become upset over, I do not forgive myself for that. Usually I don't care that people have opposing views, and I don't see why some must make such a big deal over which party is "right", which is "flawed", etc etc. But for whatever reason, I'm having a hard time with T's views in particular. I don't know why, but I blame myself because it really is stupid, in my opinion. This is what I wrote last night when I felt strongly about this..."
I hope that the person whom this entry is about, upon reading it, realizes that I mean no offense by any of this, and that my writing it out is better than keeping it built up inside. I honestly would not blame you for resenting me because of this. It's something that we've gone over time and again, and I need to get to the bottom of it now. I'm sick and tired of my shallow, pathetic psyche condemning you for this. I care too much, I'm afraid. If this is transference, then I'm in trouble. This isn't supposed to happen! I can't even read a simple book without the opposing political stances clogging my judgement of the story, and the same thing has happened to our professional relationship. You know this. Please do not refrain from rolling your eyes at me, go ahead and take a few moments to do that. But, you see, I cannot figure out the issue behind this because I can't think clearly enough to uncover it. The best I can come up with..."oh, it's just one of the ways I realize people are different from me, and I don't like it". This doesn't seem like the whole story. Note that, as you've seen before, I'm good at making something out of nothing, as I'm sure is happening here. In my mind, reading this, you must think I'm very strange and that we should possibly cancel all future appointments...? Not twenty minutes ago, quitting was a possibility. But I knew I'd never go through with it. Sure the issue in our relationship would no longer affect me, but left unresolved, this will continue to trouble me in future relationships that might otherwise be very successful. It's an ongoing battle. I'm going to end here because by now you probably don't want to read anymore. I don't think "disappointed" would be the word you'd use to describe your feelings toward me at this point, but I'm sure there is one somewhere that will suffice. Above all, please know that I want to take back this whole bad thing. I am not nuts, something simply went wrong somewhere along the line and now it's revealing a part of myself we have yet to explore. I hope this doesn't cause you to think less of me. We as humans do not have control over the emotions that plague us, and I certainly don't have control over mine. That's one of the goals I've made."

If you've read this long post, thank you. I really do wish I could apologize to T, I feel so badly about this. I care about her so much, probably too much, so I don't see why this is such an issue for me. If anyone can offer any help and see past my stupidity, I really appreciate it

Indie

Hello Indie - I don't know the background you are talking about (looked up your threads but couldn't find one about the political issue) so I'm talking in a bit of a vacuum here - what struck me about your letter was just how much you seem to be putting yourself down.

I hear that you feel really bad about a disagreement(?) with your T about politics but I'm wondering whether there isn't a big element of anger in it that maybe needs bringing into therapy? You sound kind of stuck between feeling strongly about something (to the point where you get angry?) and feeling like that strength of feeling puts you in the wrong somehow? Sorry for all the question marks I'm really just guessing based on the tone of your letter to T (I assume it's a letter to T at least?)

Too many question marks! Basically I'm reading in your post a lot of bad feelings about yourself and wanted to give you some support. Sorry that I don't know the background better, maybe you could explain some more.

Hope you're doing ok.

Torn

I know that the political opinions of others, and their other opinions too, if it is something that I pay attention to, bother me if I am uncertain of my own. The more I feel comfortable with my own thoughts the less I am concerned with others'. If I feel I have some support for mine somewhere, then lack of support elsewhere doesn't matter as much.

Here is the thread I was referring to, I should have included it with the first post..T's Political Views

Hi Indie,

This looks like a real struggle for you. What did you mean when you wrote the above? Are you afraid that you care too much about her/the issue/other? Also what did you mean about the transference problem - isn't supposed to happen, etc. I hope you don't mind me asking but it isn't immediately clear to me.

I haven't looked completely through your old thread but did you discuss it all with her? Could you be using this issue about politics as a way of somehow venting anger?

Thanks

I am afraid that I care too much about her, as well as the issue. I mean, at one point I was basically in (non-romantic) love with her. Is that normal?

By the transference problem I meant that, to me it seems like I'm putting my political frustrations (not knowing where I stand etc, since I am still young) onto her. Like I see it as an issue between me and her, when really it is my own problem with politics.

I have discussed this with her a few times. I'm afraid to bring it up again for fear of insulting her, boring her with the same topic again, etc etc. I do think that I could be using this issue to vent anger - my frustration of not knowing where I stand.

Thanks for looking deeper into this issue - I think analyzing it like this might help me

Indie- These were my iinitial thoughts reading your post: That it doesnt really matter what the reason is for judging another, it could be any reason, but when it gets to the point that it interferes with your relationship, it seems to be serving some purpose.

The times that I have been judgemental toward someone else are times when I notice that I am trying to distance myself, even without being fully aware of it. I am "better" I am "more right" I am "more knowledgable" than the other person. I am not allowing the other person to be who they because if I do, then who am I in relation to them (or anyone else) if I am not "righter"? With me, it is can be a very strong, uncontrollable distancing technique that keeps me safely from being close with another person.

It is such a difficult "habit" to stop because it can serve such a useful purpose- like protecting myself.

I have read that it is good to ask oneself, "what if we are both right?" There isnt necessarily one truth to anything, much less politics! But with politics, it does seem to me that it would be a very good protector of one's self. It is a very vulnerable thing (to me) to allow other people to be themselves. It raises the painful question, without my strong opinions and feeling that I know better, then who am I really?

I see what you mean Blue. With this in myself, it's like "if they are stronger in their beliefs than I am, maybe they will condemn me or not take me seriously, or maybe they will laugh at me (or something like that)...make sense? Hmm..good thought for pondering.

Indie thanks for posting the link.

Just some thoughts: I get the impression you're actually a bit ambivalent about what exactly your own views are - which makes me wonder whether the feelings you have about your T's political views aren't actually about something else? I like Bluemoon's comments on being 'righter' than someone else as serving a distancing function - and that it's to do with defining oneself in relation to another. Is your T quite a strong character? Maybe there is some fear there of being influenced by her? Just throwing out ideas here.

It certainly sounds like you're in a push/pull dynamic with your T (that you had strong positive feelings for her at one time - maybe still do? oh and by the way yes that is perfectly normal! - and now you are feeling oppositional to her) - maybe you could talk to her about it, less so as a political issue and more about how the difference in political views is making you feel about the relationship? That's a big part of what therapy is about (well in my experience) - bringing your feelings to the session, especially feelings about T.

I hope you can resolve it with her soon, it's no fun feeling disconnected in therapy

Torn

I think they might very well be about something else - I don't have this problem with other people, strangely enough..I've discovered I only feel this way about those I respect or look up to for some reason. Bingo! I think we're getting somewhere here. She is a strong character, and I think you might be right in that there is a little bit of fear in me of being influenced by her instead of developing my own views.

I still have many positive feelings about her - but this has taken me down from being "head over heels in non-romantic love" to "I really like her and respect her, but it's not so obsessive". So maybe that's a good thing? I don't know, I just liked the time when I didn't feel so bad about the whole thing. I think I'm going to bring this up next session now that I have a little better grasp on it. I hope she looks past my judgemental-ness (is that even a word?) and sees my talking about it again as a sign that I'm not pushing it under the rug and that I want to work on it.

Sorry to come into this late Indie but politics should not be coming into the therapy. That is to say that 'politics' for the therapist should be avoided. Comes under the code of conduct where I'm from anyway.

It's alright Pegs. It was just some casual comment that my T made to my parents, I just happened to be in the room to hear it. I know she takes her job seriously - no adding clients as friends on facebook, the only personal contact she'll give out is her work email address, etc. I don't know why this comment had to be made, but I'm sure she wouldn't do it again (at least not when I'm around!)

But... but... but... one of the ways the rest of us check on how insightful we are or aren't, is by how well we manage to relate to what you're telling us and to come up with replies that you can relate to! You're a very important part of that conversation and we very much appreciate the insights you contribute!

I have a sneaking suspicion that if we were to let this conversation turn into a who's-more-insightful contest, hardly anyone would find it worth having.

Thanks Fool I enjoy hearing everyone's opinions and insights.

That was in the post you previously made (a link to it). Without me knowing the relationship you have with your dad does this have something to do with your anger and it's not all about your T?

I don't think I have any real anger towards my father, I just wish he hadn't made this joke in front of my T. If anything, I'm more angry at my T because she knows politics are not appropriate to be discussed in therapy But I can't take it back, though I wish I could. I want to try to forgive her - it was an accident, I tell myself.