[zooropa]

Saw T today, finally. And it sucked. I'm trying not to spiral out about the fact of how much it sucked and that I won't see her again until Jan 10.

I had a panic attack, full fledged, as soon as I got to her office. I sat in there just trying to stay in the room and she had no idea what was going on.

Then she wanted to talk about my anxiety, to "be detectives" and "locate the cognitions" that go along with the anxiety. After 15 minutes of that I told her "I don't want to talk about this. Really don't want to." She said ok, as long as I know we will talk about it in the future. And yeah, I want that too, but I had such a list of things to talk about today, and only 50 minutes to do it.

So at that point there was only about 30 mins left, because we started late. I spent the rest of the time starting to tell her things and then going "nevermind, there's not enough time to talk about that."

I did tell her that I didn't call her this last week because I was trying to give her a vacation from me, and that it didn't work out very well for me. She said it is okay to call her, that she doesn't need a break from me. She'll be answering her phone pretty much as usual this coming week, not just once a day like last week. So that's good. I have a HUGE HUGE HUGE week coming up, and I'm not in a very good state right now. I think I will really need Ts support in the days to come.

So, it wasn't all bad, but it wasn't very good. There wasn't enough time, and I didn't feel any connection with T. I know it was me, not her. I do know that. And that doesn't make it suck any less.

[WePow]

((((Zoo)))) It sounds like you are trying very hard right now just to stay ontop of things. Remember that your T IS there for you and she is not going anywhere. You have her help. Be sure you use it when you need to. In fact, if you can call her now, it may be a good idea. Just to say "I am still having a rough time and I just need to know you are HERE WITH ME right NOW."

Big safe hugs to you!!!!

[zooropa]

thank you, wepow

I texted T shortly after my session, when it occurred to me that I had been a total @ss and not asked about her trip or if she listened to the cd I made her. And also to tell her that I went from her office to the yarn store and bought a bunch of yarn I could in no way afford

She just answered me, she said yarn is stress relief for me, so my guilt is unjustified. Then she asked if the kids have food, lol! She also said she hasn't listened to the cd yet.

so I wrote back and told her I cancelled my plans for tonight, and I'm going to bed forever, and yes, the kids have food and they have money and a car, so they are fine.

I can totally feel this part of me that is really angry with T for leaving. Especially for leaving AGAIN. I know that is a child part of me. I'm trying not to let her run the show.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo))))))))))

You have so much going on right now. I totally understand you feeling overwhelmed. I wish your T wasn't going away right now too. I'm sure your T is going to listen to the CD you made, she probably just hasn't had time yet.

I hope that this next time goes quickly and contact your T when you need to.

[zooropa]

I feel like I'm in one of those things where everything I do just makes things worse, and the more I try not to the worse I make it.

I just texted T (again. ugh. I have to stop this.) and told her that I sent an email that she actually nagged me about in session. Yes, nagged. And then I told her what I said above, that part of me is really mad at her for leaving, especially for leaving AGAIN. That I just want to acknowledge that part, and I hope it's okay to tell her that.

So now I'm pretty sure she's going to be pissed at me or that the VERY least she's thinking "zooey, quit with the texts already. Call me or don't call me, but stop texting." So yes, mind reading is going on. I can see that. I can see all of this happening, from a distance, and can't really understand how I'm watching myself, but I am.

It's barely 4pm here on the west coast. There are lot of hours left until midnight. My kids are here and I'm in bed with the dog and the laptop. This is NOT my life, not the life I wanted, not a life worth living.

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))

My T takes LOTS of breaks during the summer, and I always have an appt when he's in town, even if it's for a day. Those appointments just suck, usually. I'm scared not to go, because I don't want to lose the connection, but when I DO go, I feel like "I have so much stuff to cover in 50 minutes" and it's overwhelming and I can't get it all in.

I really, REALLY can't imagine your T being pissed at you, zoo. If she doesn't want you to text, she will use her communication skills and tell you....she won't just sit there quietly being angry at you.

Can you change what you're doing? When I get into that place of "everything I do makes this worse", the only thing that helps is completely changing what I'm doing. I go and bake cookies with a kid, or go outside for a little while, or clean a bathroom, or call a friend, or SOMETHING. Because otherwise, I'll just keep e-mailing T and making myself feel worse and worse.

Your life is worth living, zoo. Can you get an eagle-eye view of things rather than the view you have from your bed? Look at the big big picture...you have done so much hard work in therapy, you've gone back to school, you've taken a risk and built a relationship with T, you are being a mom, and a supportive friend, and a good person. This moment is just this moment. This moment won't last forever.

[WePow]

(((((((Zoo))))))) please stay safe. Tons more hugs.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo))))))))

I agree with Tree. Your T isn't mad at you. She wants to be able to help you. Your life is worth living. You are providing a safe place for your kids. You will adjust to having them around. It will take time, but you will be able to find a balance so that you can get what you need and you can provide what they need. Remember to breathe. We are all here to support you too.

[ECHOES]

(((zoo))) It is a busy time for some people; perhaps she wants to listen to your CD when she can relax and devote uninterrupted time to it. She hasn't listened to it yet, yes. But don't let your mind make that into something it isn't.

Those sessions when it seems like time just goes so fast and we are left unfulfilled are so hard to deal with. But they just happen sometimes and I don't think anyone is at fault. Do you have a previous session that felt really good that you could think about for a while to feel better?

[WePow]

Zoo - please call your T - NOW!! I hate using caps with you but I am very seriously worried about how you are feeling and I wish I could do something to help you out. You need to talk with your T right now on the phone and just be honest and let your heart open up. She cares!! She wants you to call in times like this!!! Please call her now. please?

[TryingDayByDay]

Originally Posted by WePow

Zoo - please call your T - NOW!! I hate using caps with you but I am very seriously worried about how you are feeling and I wish I could do something to help you out. You need to talk with your T right now on the phone and just be honest and let your heart open up. She cares!! She wants you to call in times like this!!! Please call her now. please?

Where do you all find therapists whom you can call/text/contact at will?? My t says call if an "emergency" but other than that it's all in office. If you can make, and feel the need for, contact, do so. Good luck to you and please stay positive as it sounds like you have a lot of good ( like your kids) in your life.

[WePow]

Trying, different T's have different rules. A nice part about being on PC is getting to know eachother and being able to offer support based on the relationship a person has already described. DBT is a therapy style that depends upon T's being able to be called. My T is CBT but even he tells me to call him when I need him... any time day or night.

(((((Zoo)))) I wanted to remind you of what you told us many times already---

" contact her as much as I "need to or want to".

Your posts show that you are in deep pain right now and I am sending you tons and tons of safe hugs. I know that you are having a very huge shift right now in your life. You are very very strong and you CAN do this. You CAN make it through the shift and find your balance again.

[zooropa]

I'm okay. I mean, not really, but kind of. I'm still here. I got up for a couple of minutes and tried to interact with the kids. They are going apeshit, combination of too much junk food, not enough room, too many video games. I'm pretty much hiding in my room and trying not to think that this is how it begins. I have a bad day, I'm completely overwhelmed, I need to recharge. Left to their own devices, they go all lord of the flies. Chaos happens, then I'm even more overwhelmed, and the cycle continues until I can't take it any more and then I break. It's like deja vu, and I know how this story ends.

This is...everything I was afraid would happen when I got the kids back. Everything I worked SO HARD to not have happen. And here it is. My kids need me, I don't have a choice. I can't leave them alone in this world, so that part is different. But the thought of living in this chaos and never getting what I NEED makes me want to cry and tear out my hair.

I can't call my T, because I can't talk to her. There is noise and kids are everywhere. If I close my door they have to open it to find out what I'm doing. My apt is beyond tiny, fine for one person. Not fine for an adult, 3 teenagers and a preteen. There is no way to have a private moment to call T.

I have texted her a couple more times. I know she's out there. I know there's nothing she can do in this moment to help me.

[SpiritRunner]

zoo, hoping you find a safe place. if it's hard to find on your own, like wepow says, please call your t to help you get there!

[zooropa]

I might actually go out to my car and call T. I know the kids will wonder why I have to do that, and they will ask. And I don't want them to think I'm not okay. But $hit. I'm not okay.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo))))))))

I think that is a good solution. small steps!

[zooropa]

I left T a message. She texted me an hour or so later, saying she will help me "train" the kids, and "lets focus on this next time we meet".

I wrote back: until then? stay in bed?

I don't know if she is going to return my call or not. I mean, obviously not tonight. I did ask her to call me, though. I told her I don't know what I need from her, but to please return my call anyway. So I hope she calls me tomorrow. Because I don't doubt that she can help me "train" the kids (something about that word really bugs me, but the concept is fine), only I have to get from here to there in one piece. I have to get all five of us from here to there in one piece, actually.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo )))))

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now.

I'm glad you're staying connected with T and that you're posting. I'm glad you figured out a way to call T by going to your car. Once you move to your new place, the space issue will not be an issue. And you WILL be able to find your alone time, because you will demand it...you need it to take care of YOU so that you can take care of your kids.

...But for now, please try to get some rest. You are overwhelmed and have a lot going on....

Kids can be really, really overwhelming. I homeschool, and they are here all. the. time. I love them, and I'm grateful to be able to do what I do AND I get overwhelmed and confused sometimes about my needs vs. their needs.

One thing I've learned since starting therapy is that *I* really am allowed to have needs, feelings, a life. I remember when I started therapy and started having all of these big feelings and needing time to myself, I used to tell them "I'm a person, too". I think I spent so many years being "MOM", that they couldn't figure out why I wasn't dropping everything to attend to them. It was an adjustment for all of us, for sure.

Three years later, I KNOW that my therapy is one of the best gifts I could have given them. I am so much more "in" the world, instead of behind all of my walls. I can show them that it's okay to have needs and feelings. I am more accepting of THEIR needs and feelings. I am happier and calmer, and I know that has a positive effect on everyone in the house, not just me. I'm finding the balance between their needs and my needs.

This is a big, big transition point for you and for them, and it's probably going to be bumpy for a while. It helps me to remember in the really awful, difficult moments that it's NOT going to be like this forever. I remind myself of that until I believe it. We can always learn new skills and new ways of dealing with things...sometimes we just need to get through this moment, forgive ourselves, and trust that we'll learn what we need to learn and things will be different...because when we're doing the work, that is what's true.

As for talking to T on the phone with people around....that is really tricky for me, too. I do just what you were talking about doing...go out to the car and talk. I just tell them "I'm going outside to make a phone call". If they're worried, or confused, or curious, or whatever, especially if they know I'm upset, I tell them "I am worried about grown-up things. You don't have to worry about it, or me." I want to release them for feeling responsible for me or my moods, and I want them to know "I do worry about things, and I find ways to deal with it". Does that always satisfy them? No. But that's okay. I am still allowed to do what I need to do to meet my needs so I can take better care of them, AND of me.

Hang in there, zoo.

[WePow]

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

((((zoo)))) I hope your t calls you back. You have a right to be helped now not when t gets back. Sometimes I wish I could give you my t's number. I know thats illogical but emotionally it makes sense. I can tell you are suffering and I don't like it. I want you to be okay. I want you to have a "life worth living" and I really want t to call you back and help you. I wish I had a magic wand that I could fix all these problems for you with but I don't. All I can do is wish (which I am doing) and support you (which I'd be very happy to do). Until then, please hang in there zoo. Try to use your skills as much as possible and don't hesitate to get on PC for support when things are getting too overwhelming. As for right now, can you take some time out for yourself and watch a movie or take a bubble bath or something like that. It sounds like you could use a little "me time". (((zoo)))

[zooropa]

woke up to T calling me this morning. It was good to talk to her. I felt more connected to her after that 10 minute phone call than I did after my 50 minute session yesterday, probably because I wasn't really there yesterday. That anxiety attack I had at the beginning of my session really messed me up for the rest of the day.

So, today is better. I have some ideas of small steps I can take to make my home the way I want and need it to be. I don't feel, like I did last night, that I am destined to make the same mistakes I made in the past, destined to crash and burn and fail. I know it will be hard and there will inevitably be moments in which I do crash and burn and fail, but those moments don't define me.

There will also be moments when I succeed and thrive and am happy. It's just knowing the bad times will come and then they will go that's important right now. Not thinking that those bad moments are forever. Nothing is.

Just talking to T helped, too. I guess I'm used to talking to her on the phone at least once a week. Talking to her, hearing her voice, listening to her, it was soothing. Knowing that she is out there, wherever she is, and I can keep calling her as much as I need to or want to is soothing, too.

[bpd mess]

(((zoo)))
you sound so much better today. that's great that you can talk to your t between sessions. i text and email mine all the time. i get so overwhelmed with life and kids here too. i have to constantly remind myself on the bad days that "this too shall pass". i used to have that taped to my bathroom mirror and above the kitchen sink so i would be reminded many times a day.

[WePow]

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))) I cried just now reading your update. I am so happy you talked with your T today and she called you back. I know I never met you in person but I care for you and am very very very glad that you reached out to your T and y our T reached back to touch you. You are doing it!!! You CAN do this!!!!!

zoo- I'm so glad t called you. You sound so much more relaxed. Don't hesitate to call your t again if you need her though.