Therapist Envy

Good grief...is there something called therapist-envy? If so, I am suffering from it. I envy the relationships many of you have with your therapists. The ability you have to call them or email them anytime, the responses you receive in return.

My first therapist I never called, maybe twice in one year. I did email him a few times, and he responded but, like others have mentioned, he felt email was not a good means for things of a more substantive nature, like my history, a rupture, and more.

On the other hand, my second therapist, I called a few times in 1 1/2 years, but never emailed. She once communicated she had set aside a block of time for me each week, and anything I wanted to discuss would occur during the time she set aside. If I chose to call her at another time, which required her to respond I would be charged a telephone session which was at the same rate as my normal one. I remember the anger, and eventually, the fear I felt when I once wanted to call, but didn't for fear of her response.

Is this normal? What does that say about me and why am I embarrassed and ashamed to admit?

wow. If my T communicated that to me I wouldn't call her either! It took a long time and a lot of work for my T to convince me that calling her is ok. I think it does depend on what type of T you have. Out of session contact, particularly phone calls, are an integral part of DBT. I know some other kinds of therapy don't have that emphasis on the T being available.

I am glad I can call my T, but at the same time, issues around phone calls have been a huge source of suffering for me and ruptures in our relationship. So it's kind of a double-edged sword.

I think it takes a lot of work to find the right T.
My t said he went through over twenty ts to find his right one.
He is there for me because his own ts were often not as easy to reach as he needed them to be.
So his experience taught him how to be better.
Still, there are times when I have felt alone and he was not there in ways I needed at the time.
But that is how things go with all relationships. I am learning how to forgive the times when he was not there because I value e times when he is there.

In genral I feel afraid to ask for help/ take someone's offer for help. I also have a difficult time asking for what i need. I'm afraid to admit I need help because I then will have to follow through with the act of actualy asking for help and that = rejection, disapointment, and not being loved. Growing up I was taught/told to never ask for anything. The few times I did ask for the most basic of things like love and understanding I was denied. This carrys into all of my relationships today.

Perhaps someone in your life had an impact on you when it came to asking for help?

Wishing you peace.

Zoo, may I ask what DBT therapy is? BTW, I think you were very brave in writing the email to your therapist today. It expressed much of what I felt in my second therapy experience. I just never had the courage to express.

Geez, when I asked for help...no one heard.

My experience with therapy has been very similar to yours. Unless I am in the throws of death, I should not call my pdoc/t and honestly, he probably wouldn't call me back for a few days even if I were dying. I don't have this "my t loves me" relationship and I get petty and angry just thinking about it. I also don't have options for finding a new t/pdoc so I have to take what I can get here because at least I have some level of medication management that I obviously wouldn't get if I just quit seeing him altogether. But I totally relate to your therapist envy.

I also was taught when I was growing up to not ask for things. Love was given and taken so randomly that it was painful and my physical needs (food, clothing, shelter) were not completely met either. I guess this is why I too do not ask for anything.

thanks, lost
DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy.

@ perpetuallysad, thank you. I am sorry to read your experiences are similar. I hope you find healing (and hope) in therapy, I hope to do the same!

I am one that can call t whenever needed, i don't know if he does email or not, i never asked.
but it did take along time before i could even call him, he said pretty much by the fifth or sixth session, if i have a question, just call. I think he was trying to get me to trust him then???... but calling him for the first time took a long time!
to this day i am afraid of being rejected by him

My T doesn't do phone calls or emails about therapy issues. But I can email a message about changing an appointment time or canceling. He tends not to answer voice mails in a timely manner, if at all. So he doesn't feel very reachable to me if I am in need, but on the other hand, I have the sort of personality that has a hard time reaching out, and I wouldn't want to disturb him during his time away from work. When I have called him and left a phone message (about rescheduling), and he doesn't call back (ever), that makes me feel bad. I think it sends a message loud and clear--don't phone me about stuff! So I don't.

Even though I don't have substantive outside contact with my T, we are extremely close. We are usually on the same wavelength, and think alike about a lot of things, and delight in our differences. He self discloses a lot, and that helps draw us closer. We connect with ease and have laughed and cried with each other and often share a hug at the end of a session. This seems pretty good to me. But I have read here that some don't like certain of those things. So we all want something different. But yes, I can relate to wanting what others have. Like I do envy the clients who call their Ts about a scheduling issue and receive a call back on the same day. I want that in my next lifetime.

I think the trick is to not let the not as important things bug you, and seek a therapist who has the things most important to you. I have seen some people list "outside contact" as one of those important things, so if that is the case, then don't settle for a T who forbids that. Easier said than done to find the perfect T...

Of course there is such a thing. It can be about anything. I can call my therapist between sessions, but she doesn't email. I would love to be able to write but of course the point, for me, is to be able to talk ... something that isn't easy for me (which means I need more practice!).

My therapist has heard of my therapist envy and my therapy envy. I've told her what I read about here and in books and we talk about it. If she makes changes or shifts, I don't see them.

I have come to realize and deeply appreciate that my therapy.. is my therapy , like a personalized gift.

I feel really REALLY lucky to have my T. He has taught me to ask for what I need, and he is willing to shift how he does things to give it to me. I know I just got super lucky when I chose him off of a website, after making a few phone calls.

He's not "perfect", but no one is perfect. I am allowed to call to leave voice mails/send e-mails as much as i want, but he will only respond if I specifically ask, and even then the response can be SO SLOW. I do appreciate having the ability to at least vent outside of session if I need to, though.

I don't expect my T to be perfect, but thanks to my experience with this T, I do know some things now that I would look for in a T if I am ever searching for one again (T is my first T). Lost, are you looking for a new T? Do you know what you would like to find in a T? I wonder if you could create a list a questions to ask T's that might help you find what you are looking for.

hi lost, yes, it's definitely a double-edged sword i think. it's nice to be able to call (i don't do email either though), but there is a big potential for miscommunication, boundary-crossing, hurt feelings, etc. it probably seems like it would be a great thing to be able to dial up your therapist anytime you want, but it can cause more harm than good. (and sometimes, just waiting for the call back can be agonizing.)

i think the thing to remember is that when you have a session with your therapist, it's YOUR time. they have carved it out and reserved it just for you. before you arrive, they get in the mindset of meeting with you, and the session is tailored to you. with phone calls and emails, it's not the same. it's on THEIR time, and it's quick and not as caring. and i don't think it's as personal or custom-fit like your sessions are.

anyway, not sure if this helps, but i was trying to think of reasons why not to have therapist-envy.

Thank you for your posts. It has helped clarify I few things for me...

@seventyeight...Yes, miscommunications can easily occur through email or phone contact. It did once with my first T over an email I sent which he didn't respond to prior to going on a vacation. It was important to me and I felt his lack of response meant I was not important. We did discuss the misconnection and he thanked me for helping him to realize what I needed in the moment.

@echoes- I stated I have "therapist envy", but what I really envy (not really "envy", mostly admire) is those who have the ability to communicate their needs to their therapist, and have a supportive therapist who responds. I have never been great at communicating anything, much less my fears. My second therapist saw me at her house. Several times, the home phone would ring while we were "in session" and someone would leave a message on the answering machine (she had the volume up)...I finally had the courage to discuss it once and it seemed to occur less afterwards but I always felt awkward in those moments when it did. I never discussed it again.