[zooropa]

I'm having some trouble talking during therapy lately. Again. Specifically, when we are talking about trauma, certain details, parts of the narrative, get stuck in my throat and won't come out.

I've found myself sort of practicing saying these things, the last few nights as I'm laying in bed waiting for sleep. I guess I think maybe if I can say them out loud at all, even all alone in my apartment, it will make it easier to repeat them out loud in Ts office.

I have to admit, I've fallen asleep before I got very far in the exercise. Maybe that's part of it, I get up to the details and then I go away in my head and fall asleep. It still feels like kind of practice for therapy, though.

[granite1]

awsome idea zooey i hope it helps.sometime i go infront of a mirror and practice.not always sucessfull though

I think that's a great idea.

I sort of think of this site as practice. I admitted my CSA on here quite a while before I ever told T.

I know that feeling of not being able to say the next thing. I will tell T, I can't say the words. And he will suggest things that might help, just to get it OUT...do I want to draw it? do I want to write it? T will even let me write it and put it in my box or tear it up. I think maybe he just wants me to get used to the words, so i can talk eventually.

Eventually, I have to just open my mouth and SAY IT. It's like jumping into a cold pool - standing on the edge, scared to jump, ALMOST jumping but staying out...and then finally just taking a big breath and doing it. The first time I tell him the big words that are really hard to say, I almost always instantly dissociate. I say the words, get dizzy, and whoosh, I'm gone. BUT. They're out, and I survive it, and I'm not alone with it anymore, and we can start talking about whatever it is. It is ALWAYS a relief after I tell him...maybe not instantly, but eventually.

, zoo

[zooropa]

I sit there thinking those very things, tree. Just say it. SAY IT. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I dunno.

[WePow]

Zoo, while doing the narrative part of my therapy, I often was stuck like that. It was a part of the depth of the trauma. One way I found out to get me through those stuck parts was to use the whiteboard in the T's office and write words that I couldn't say. I would erase them just as fast but T would see them first. From those words he was able to help me after I sat back down and I could add more stuff to the words. Not easy at all. If your T doesn't have a whiteboard, maybe you could use paper and a crayon?

[zooropa]

she does have a whiteboard, but we don't use it. That is, she has used it a couple of times to diagram something, but mostly it just hangs there on the wall. No matter how stuck I get, T has never offered to have me write or draw anything. It makes me think she's not into that, I don't know.

Originally Posted by WePow

One way I found out to get me through those stuck parts was to use the whiteboard in the T's office and write words that I couldn't say. I would erase them just as fast but T would see them first.

I did this EXACTLY. T has a little whiteboard that I can hold in my lap and I draw on it sometimes while we talk. I've used it to write things that are too hard to say. T sits next to me and watches me write and then I erase it right after I write it.

Zoo, if writing sounds better, could you ask T if you could write? I've almost always moved from writing it to being able to speak it - not right away, but eventually.

[WePow]

Zoo... I agree with tree on this. You can ask for what you need. The first time I wrote on the whiteboard, I asked T if I could and he was shocked I asked - he assumed I knew it was for me to use as well.

[zooropa]

I've been practicing saying what I know I have to say in my session tomorrow. Trying to practice, anyway. I can't say it. Not even all alone in my apartment, or curled up in my bed in the dark all by myself. I don't know how I'm going to say it out loud and exposed in Ts office. Ugh ugh ugh.

[WePow]

(((((( Zoo ))))) big hugs to you for session today!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( zoo )))))))))))))))))))

Man have I been here.
If all else fails, you could get a felt tip pen, write it in large letters on a sheet of paper and just open the notebook and hold it up so T can see.
it works

I'll ride with you today. be brave

((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))

Be gentle with you. If the words don't come out today, it's OKAY. There's no rule about when you have to say things.

Something that helps me a lot is to talk about the fact that there is something that I can't say. We talk about that and sometimes just the act of talking ABOUT it helps me say it.

Also...did you say she already knows the detail you're having a hard time saying? I know that there is something I told my T ONE time...sort of mixed in with a lot of other stuff...and when we came back to that story later, I was really struggling to get the words out, and T gently told me "I already know" and I was able to move past the stuck place and keep working.

Good luck today, zoo

[granite1]

hey my monday girl i'm with ya today know your in my thoughts believe me i know how hard it is.i hope your sesson goes ok

[lily99]

(((((zoo)))))) sometimes I practice things that I want to say in session, the kind of things I need lots of courage to say. I pretend T is sitting across from me and it becomes a kind of self-therapy. good luck for your session

[zooropa]

[QUOTE=treehouse;1441050

Also...did you say she already knows the detail you're having a hard time saying? I know that there is something I told my T ONE time...sort of mixed in with a lot of other stuff...and when we came back to that story later, I was really struggling to get the words out, and T gently told me "I already know" and I was able to move past the stuck place and keep working.
[/QUOTE]

thanks for your replies, guys. I will take you with me today

tree, yes, she knows the detail I'm currently stressing over. It's just that we've gotten to the point in the narrative where I feel like she's going to ask me about it. Where I'm supposed to re-live the emotions about it. It's scarier than anything I've faced in therapy before, ever.