"You're my obsession..."

Canary, I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't know the history with your former T, but much of what was written here today by you and others, triggered some very unpleasant memories for me.

Please take care of yourself. I am not convinced "reserving the right" to call former T and share your feelings again would be taking care. Sometimes, T's don't get it and the end result can be damaging... even more so, than now. Walking away is hard, but staying and not taking care of yourself is harder.

I used to always call my former T by his first name. This was always acceptable to him and he would sign all emails with his first name. A few days after he terminated me, he responded to an email I sent and signed his name...Dr. (insert last name) .In that moment, everything became very clear. I sent him a response saying his signature verified what I had felt...He terminated me because he felt he had lost control of a patient, the therapy room, and possibly, of himself. I asked him at whose expense? I wondered why he was willing to destroy me in the process? I later realized he could only destroy me if I allowed him too. This was HIS issue, not mine. Please don't give him any more power, I did (and still do, at times) and am still not recovered even a couple of years later.

Please consider talking to your new T about this incident and your feelings about former T. Take Care!

Not to sidetrack, but I'm not sure I completely agree with this. I think if he was being passive aggressive he would have just avoided responding. He sounds like he's being fairly clear about his boundary on this. It may be painful that he's not allowing Canary to address her feelings with him in person, and I too question his approach, but I wouldn't call it passive aggressive.

You might be right...I may be using the term without totally understanding it, actually.

There was something about "I want to see you, but its not a good idea, and if you call again, I'm not going to answer" that just feels so...mean?... to me. But actually, now that you've pointed it out, I think maybe my own stuff was triggered. I see why T's need supervision - it's hard to stay objective sometimes!

"Good luck with your life"???????? Oh my goodness!

I've heard some outrageous things before from therapist by reading forums, but I gotta say.... that's right up there.

Wow.

You take good good care of you. At least he showed you his true colors IMO.

It may take awhile to move on, but I really think you are much better off without this one.

@LIT - You got the clinical, formal response that told you it was over; I got the same sort of thing, a full rejection of my request to try to terminate more completely/fully. Oddly, this rejection does help to sever the connection.
@Traction - I did stay with him because he was male and I wanted to re-set my baseline view of all men as jerks (dear husband excepted) that originated from my teen years. So, I would not rule out a male T all together, I'd just be extra picky in the future.

That exT was bad at this - termination - shows poor training, poor judgment, lack of practice in doing it well, and poor support from the organization that he worked for (my center-based HMO).

Reading about Tree's T-love dialog, it is SO different! She talks about loving him, and he welcomes her feelings, is thrilled that she's so connected to him. He helps her to infuse love into all part of her life, helps her to put a sparkle into her eyes!
My ex-T reacted to my transference, love and attachment with fear, discomfort. I always had to think "If I share this big feeling, how will T react?" Now I realize - that's not how it's supposed to be! I'm supposed to feel (mostly) confident that all of my feelings will be received gracefully.
The fact that he maintained the physical boundary, and did not respond with any verbal expression of similar feelings, I always thought this was enough. But I was not spared a reaction. I constantly wondered if he was uncomfortable because of what I was saying or because of how he felt in return.

So, if my experience sounds like what is happening in your therapy, then let me advise: time to try another T.

SI? mentioned below
I'll meet with my new girlT today. I'll probably get into some of it, as there was some yard work on Sat (while waiting for no call back) that resulted in an injury as expected (as hoped?). A substantial case of poison ivy rash. So, now I have a physical discomfort that nearly trumps the metaphysical.

I do think I got REALLY lucky finding a T who is comfortable with whatever feelings come up in therapy. And I think it's natural that after spending literally hundreds of hours together in such intimate dialog that there would be feelings of connection and even of love.

I know that he did his internship, supervision, etc. with a group of T's who are very similar to him, and I am forever grateful for that.

He describes his style as eclectic, psychodynamic, and humanistic. I think it is the "humanistic" part that really allows for, and even encourages, the very real feelings of love that might come up so naturally in the therapy setting.

I do wonder sometimes if I should post about my T. It does help me to process my sessions here, but I don't want to be annoying with all of my T love. I guess I want to say sometimes "this is how it can be". I learned a lot about how to talk to my T on these very boards, and I think that is why we have the connection we do. Without PC, I don't know if I would have been as open as I have been able to be.

Anyhow. My .02

I hope your poison ivy feels better, canary. I SO get physical pain taking away from emotional pain.

In 45 min, I managed to go into NONE of my ex-T topic with new girlT. Talked about mom - the best therapy fall-back topic of all time.

Then we walked out to the printer to pick up my "instructions" (plan some "me" time each day); as I walked by ex-Ts old office, I started to cry.

She pulled me back into her office and said "take a minute". I told her that ex-T and I never talked about the feelings part - she neatly peeled them off me "anger? grief? abandonment?"
I look at the clock; we were already over. She told me she didn't have anyone else next. So, I told her I'd called him, to ask for what I needed. I told her his response. I told her about the rupture that preceded the announcement of his departure, and my resulting intent to terminate. And the neat and tidy termination plan.
She had good responses (I am so sorry you had to experience that!, Sounds like you never really resolved the rupture, etc).
Then she said "I want you to write him a letter with all that, and bring it next time".
Wow, I was floored!
I shook my head no!
She said "I expected you to say no. Why are you saying no?"
I asked "If you expected the no, then why do YOU think I am saying no? I can play this game!"
She said "it's because you don't want to get into it all, you want to leave it alone."
Indeed.

@Tree, I'm really glad to hear about how your T responds; it helps me to see that it can be different with the right T. And I too have learned much about being open with the T from PC. Also from "Couched" formerly Behind the Couch client blog.

I am SO itchy, this was a stupid move. I went to urgent care tonight, got steroid pills, steroid cream and domeboro powder to make astringent solution. I did NOT tell new girlT about purposely getting poison ivy. I can save that for another time.

You can write a letter to old T without sending it...

yeah, I know. I did already write most of it in my journal - I needed to see what was really going on before I asked for a final session or two.
So, I just really don't want to share it with new GirlT; it isn't meant for her. I told her that, too. She and I need to spend time on building a relationship so I can open up about the old stuff that needs work.

As things surface, I'll put them in my journal.
It is always going to be bittersweet.

Since I also "lost" someone else that same week (my priest retired), I still have that grief to work on, and I"ve done little. I need to write her a letter; she had encouraged me to leave the therapist several times, and I never really understood why, I felt judged. Now I understand better. She was like a mom to me; it's a tough loss.

Pachy, my second therapist supported my decision to send to my former therapist. Looking back now, I wonder why? I think she was trying to build rapport and trust in our relationship in showing support of my decision. She did once say she hoped he could realize the impact of his decision and how it was processed, or seen from my eyes.

Hey BC,

I'm so glad you talked to the new T. I'm just learning how my prior T's screwed things up by not allowing me to discuss and process my feelings for them. I want to give you hope that there are good T's out there. I finally found one and we actually talked about my feelings for her today. She encouraged it and told me that it was important to talk about. Although, I don't like the obsessed feelings I'm talking about it.

So I wish you luck in this new journey.

Thanks!
I went again today, as the grief is hard. I'm also angry - want to toss the exT into the virtual "$hitty ex-boyfriends" bin. New girlT says I may have to consider exT a lost cause, I"ll never get a good resolution out of him.
And she's careful to state "Here's how I operate..." to tell me how she works in a different way.

And I've been avoiding my grief at the loss of my priest, have avoided getting in touch with her to say goodbye. This was a new thing for me to admit today.
The new girlT is different; she's more direct. It's new, it's an interesting change; I can handle feeling "challenged" by her summary of what she's heard.