missing T

WePow essentially posted what I was going to post....but MUCH more eloquently! (Thanks, WePow ). So I second everything she said, for sure.

hang in there, jexa

Before I reply to everyone, I would like to thank you first, WePow, because your post put me in the place to reply to the others in a more objective mind . I was struggling a lot with this until I read over your reply and really thought about it. I pretended that T sent me the email with all the words you used, instead of her words. And I felt a lot better, and I think you're right. Every time I apologize to T about using email, she seems confused and says, "But you don't email too much. You only send a couple sentences in your emails. Really, it's fine!" But I ALWAYS feel like her replies mean she is annoyed with me, because she has to assert the boundaries by always giving short replies. But maybe really she is asserting the boundaries not because she is annoyed, but because she is protecting ME with the boundaries. She is making sure our relationship stays healthy, because as the vulnerable party, I could be so damaged by a therapeutic relationship that became unpredictable and enmeshed.

Thanks rartemis.. I think she was labelling the boundary kindly. She always means well, and she is always kind. Oh my gosh I miss her.

FZ.. how do you omit thinking that doesn't make sense? For me, I get stuck in "OMIT THIS NOW" and it just.. sticks. I guess this is part of the OCD thing. I can get very very obsessive sometimes, and the more I struggle to stop my thinking, the more it stays. One thing that sometimes works is an ACT metaphor -- the "struggle switch" -- there is a difference between pain that comes from our thoughts, and the suffering that compounds the pain as we struggle with it. Like a Chinese finger trap, our pain increases the more we struggle to escape it.

I guess she does enjoy working with me. Haha I'm an "exciting client" as I know from working where I work because I am a young, articulate future psychologist struggling with "interesting" problems (like twitching violently from intrusive thoughts, oh brother). So I guess right now as I am feeling particularly objective, the other perspective sounds perfectly reasonable. In the way that I check my work email at home when I am bored, and don't mind replying when it's not a complicated request.

polaris, thanks! I like the idea of pretending T is in the other chair and just talking. Haha I think if I can get past the silliness aspect, it will be helpful!

Thanks so much for the support (((Lauru))) and (((tree)))

I'm feeling so much better.

Jexa, I am excited for you :-) I think all this that you are learning is going to make you a T that will help so many people. :-) You are going to be one of the GREAT ones that everyone wishes they had!! :-)

You're starting to answer your own question, jexa! Here's how I put it a few months ago:

What the HELL. I felt better yesterday and now I am at work and just bawled my eyes out to a coworker about total nonsense. I was trying to read articles at work but this one was about PTSD and I guess it was a big huge trigger. Working in psychology creates constant triggers. Am I even making the right choice? How can I ever be a therapist if this is what I'm like? I'm thinking someone's going to come and hurt me and I don't know why. I feel like I'm going to lose my job or something. Why do I feel this way? I'm crawling out of my skin and want to pull my hair out.

Chinese finger trap.. it's more struggle, struggle, struggle. I don't know why, I don't know why. You see me but I'm not here.. tendons and ligaments dissolve, and reaching, my skin stretches all my bones from their sockets.. arms and legs disjointed, painlessly askew.. eyes rolled back and my brain is a balloon. Where did I go today?

Jexa... you remind me of the way my T describes his own trauma healing. He tells me about stuff that he experienced while in his major therapy - about how he sometimes had to fight himself and be on the phone with a close friend JUST to be able to drive into work (he was also working in the industry at the time kinda like how you describe).

It is not going to be easy for you to keep on going through the trauma work - and even after 20 yrs of being a T, my T STILL gets PTSD triggers and has to do his own work to stay ontop of things. But he did say it does get better and easier.

We even talked about that today. He said that with time, the triggers become more concise - powerful but short in duration. What happens is that we first have to learn HOW to process through triggers - and what our triggers are. Then we can become much better and actually DOING the healing work.