[sunrise]

We had 90 minutes and T immediately sat opposite me and said we were going to work on grief about my father (he had suggested this last session), and then said, “go ahead.” He was the one who had the idea to do grief work, not me. I don't know how to do it! Ever brilliant, I sat there a while and then said, "I don't know what to say." Then he tried asking me a question about my soul and what place my father held in it--and I couldn't answer. Too hard! My brain was in reptile mode. I told him it felt like he was asking me to do this really difficult mental activity and I wasn't up to it--I was struggling with my feelings. So we went to something more concrete--some examples from his own family. That approach worked for me--it is one we often use.

We had a very intense session talking about our families, what it means to love a parent, how we can tell if a parent loves us, what the "evidence" of how people act and what they say tells us, how to prepare for finding out what we don't want to hear, how to start now to try to have the relationship you want in spite of all the years before. It was really hard work and I cried many times, even when T was talking about his own family. I asked him a lot of personal questions, and it felt good to have such an unhindered give and take and not worry about whether it was OK to ask “my T” those questions. At one point he said something like, “you know me pretty darn well by now, as well as most anyone.” I do feel I know T really well, and I like that he said that. His acknowledgement of that made me feel that our relationship is more reciprocal, instead of me just feeling like I know him really well.

I told him several times, when the going got tough, that I didn't want to do this. It was too hard and hurt too much. He said now is a time of growth for me. My soul is cracked open--with pain, with love--and there is the opportunity to dive into my grief and really explore it and know it, instead of running from it. I told him it was too hard, and I lacked the courage. He said I was doing it there with him that day. Going in and out of the sadness, as much as I can take at a time, then coming back out. I don't have to do it all at once. He said having courage is sitting with him and talking about this just like we were.

I have this feeling that I shouldn't be sad about my father's end of life because we are not close. T doesn't like me to use "shoulds," but I do feel this way. Like I have to earn the right to be sad by having a good relationship with the person. Why mourn someone that one is not close to? There is something that seems false about that. T suggested that perhaps part of my sadness was mourning the relationship we never had. That is probably true. I said I felt like I was the only one in the relationship with my father—just me and my imagination of how it was, based on my wishful thinking and making lots of excuses for my Dad. (“he must treat me that way because...”) But maybe I truly am the only one in the relationship. I have done that before—tried hard and hoped for the best and given the other person lots of leeway, only to have to face facts in the end that I was the only one ever there. I said that I didn’t feel like I should always have to be “the one.” Why can’t the other person in the relationship ever do their share? It is always me. Especially with my parents. I am just a child and know nothing. I come into their lives and they should be the ones who know how to have relationships. I shouldn’t have to do this. Why do I have to do this? I’m the child. They should do it! I was a bit indignant, perhaps as close to angry as I ever get, but really just weary with this whole relationship thing and feeling that the burden for success always falls on me. T said “now we’re getting somewhere”—I’m not sure what he meant but probably something to do with my being able to find some anger. T said I wouldn’t know if I was the only one in the relationship with my father unless I invited my father to have the kind of relationship I wanted, and that I thought we might have—perhaps just by sharing my feelings. He said if I don’t try, I won’t move closer to my father. If I do try, there is no guarantee—we might become closer or at least acknowledge our feelings from over the years, or my father might brush me off. I told him it would be very hard to say anything to my father, as there is no model in my family for how to talk about feelings or express or show love. T said if there is a good time to break all the family rules, it is now, before my father dies.

We ended up talking a lot about relationships in general, like about how having close relationships is not easy—the other person may not want to be close in the same way that we do, and it hurts to keep trying. T said he was really only very close--in the groove--with a few people in his life: his wife, three friends that he listed by name, a colleague, and me, a client. He named ME as one of the people he is closest to in life. He has told me before that I am one of his favorite people in the world, but somehow hearing myself enumerated in his select bunch was very, very touching. (Picture me grabbing my as it thwomps in my chest.) He is the person I am closest to in my life right now, and I feel honored he would name me in his group. I told him I would like more people in my life that I am close to. I have never told him that before. I do feel a hole sometimes, a place that loneliness may live inside of me, but I don’t go there or talk about it. So this was a big deal for me to share this. He had some ideas about that, and we will probably pick this up again later, when we are not doing the grief work.

So it was a hard session. I did do some grieving, and did grapple with painful feelings about my Dad and our relationship, both past and present. We got a lot of work done--it was exhausting. At the end, I told T that it was a good session, and he said he was glad I felt that way because he thought so too. This is his favorite kind of work (helping adult children with their relationships with their parents). Afterwards I felt some load lifted--a bit more free. I felt tired but good. My mind felt like my body does after a long swim.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by sunrise

My mind felt like my body does after a long swim.

I could really relate to this and thought it was such a good way to put it.
Wow. It sounds like you did some tremendous work.
Doing this kind of work is a gift to you and to the world.
Here is an award for you!

[WePow]

Thank you tons for sharing your session with me. This is very powerful.

[Perna]

What a wonderful session; I don't like those that start out like that though either. "Talk, or else!" I don't think that was you in reptile brain mode, think anyone would have responded that way, especially since the topic was T's idea. I'm glad you figured out how to work into it!

[rainbow8]

What an amazing session, and what an amazing T you have, sunrise! It does sound like your session was difficult, painful, but very productive.

I told him it would be very hard to say anything to my father, as there is no model in my family for how to talk about feelings or express or show love. T said if there is a good time to break all the family rules, it is now, before my father dies.

I can relate to this; my family was like that too. When my Mom died, I hadn't told her that I loved her and would miss her. We didn't have any conversation about her death and what it would mean, even though she was sick for a few years and we knew when the end was coming.

So, during my father's last years, even though he wasn't sick (at 93 and 94 I wasn't taking any chances) I started expressing my love by hugging and kissing him each time I visited. We never had any meaningful conversations, but I felt relieved that we were at least touching each other. We both said "I love you" and meant it in our own way. Doing that was breaking a family rule and it felt so strange at first, until I got used to it.

Sunrise, you won't regret it if you try to get closer to your father before he dies, but if you don't at least try, you probably will regret it. Even if it's hard, it's worth it.

T said he was really only very close--in the groove--with a few people in his life: his wife, three friends that he listed by name, a colleague, and me, a client. He named ME as one of the people he is closest to in life. He has told me before that I am one of his favorite people in the world, but somehow hearing myself enumerated in his select bunch was very, very touching.

Having a T say this to a client is probably every client's fantasy! It is such a credit to your health and stability that your T is comfortable telling you that. If any of my Ts had told that to me, I would be majorly triggered and totally confused. It would cross boundaries and would probably be inappropriate. But, in your case, it's understandable and wonderful. I think you and your T should write a book!! It would show that every therapy is different, and the therapeutic relationship can be different with each client, and can be healing in its unique way for that client. It also shows that it's not always transference; you and your T just "click" together in an intimate, totally professional way. What a compliment to you, and a well-deserved one, if I might add.

Thank you for sharing your session with us.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Sunrise, you won't regret it if you try to get closer to your father before he dies, but if you don't at least try, you probably will regret it. Even if it's hard, it's worth it.

Dear Sunny,
Rainbow is so right.
I hope you can find the courage to try.
((((((((((((((( sunrise )))))))))))

[sunrise]

Sunrise, you won't regret it if you try to get closer to your father before he dies, but if you don't at least try, you probably will regret it. Even if it's hard, it's worth it.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Dear Sunny,
Rainbow is so right.
I hope you can find the courage to try.
((((((((((((((( sunrise )))))))))))

Thanks for the encouragement, rainbow and SAWE. I have been making little inroads here and there with my Dad since the start of the year. Nothing like the talk about feelings that my T envisioned, but a start, perhaps. We have touched each other a few times, and it is the first time I can remember doing that. Even as a little girl, I did not have physical contact with either of my parents (at least of the positive variety). Maybe, as you wrote, Rainbow, I will end up with some hugs and sending some positive vibes but not have the conversations. I fear making my Dad feel bad because if I try to have a meaningful conversation with him, I know I will start crying. I don't want to be a downer sort of person--he has enough on his plate without me being all sad. I also have a hard time thinking of crying around either of my parents since I didn't get to do that when I was little. It is a huge tug between wanting to be closer and express some feelings and straining mightily not to cry. It gives me a headache and makes me feel exhausted. Probably my T would say well just cry, but it isn't so simple.... I think I will just strive, for now, to spend some time with my Dad. I enjoy that. And bringing my girls to visit too.

[sunrise]

Thanks for your comments about my T relationship, Rainbow.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It is such a credit to your health and stability that your T is comfortable telling you that.

He knows me well enough to know I won't take it the wrong way. I like that he trusts me to respond appropriately.

Originally Posted by rainbow

I think you and your T should write a book!!

LOL, we actually have talked about that before, but not a book about therapy. But that has fallen by the wayside.

Originally Posted by rainbow

It would show that every therapy is different, and the therapeutic relationship can be different with each client, and can be healing in its unique way for that client. It also shows that it's not always transference; you and your T just "click" together in an intimate, totally professional way.

I like that you take that message from what I wrote. I think there are a lot of books out there about "the therapy experience" and some of them may contain that very message. Rainbow, there are many clients and Ts who believe that T relationships are not just about transference. Join us!