[jexa]

I feel SO LONELY. I miss my T SO MUCH. I sent her an email on our one-year anniversary this week.. Just to acknowledge the fact, didn't tell her anything about how I'm feeling sad without her. I thought her reply would make me feel better but instead I want to see her even MORE. I miss her I miss her I miss her.

I want to email my T that I am sad, struggling, and scared. My anxiety seems to increase every day and my OCD twitches are getting worse every day.. repeating little words to myself over and over and over, shaking, shaking, shaking my head and pacing and pacing.. I keep forgetting things T told me to cope, freaking out about my memory problems, researching Alzheimer's and strange neurological conditions and worrying and worrying and worrying that I have some kind of terminal illness, that the new girl at work hates me, that I'm going to get fired, that I'm doing things wrong and saying things wrong.. I always think like this but it's getting more and more constant and I hate it and I want her help! But I don't want her to have any more stress right now as she is away going through a tough time. So I'm not going to email her because what can she even do anyway?

I need T. August 6 is SO SO SO SO SO SO far away. It is an eternity!

What am I supposed to do? I can't freaking STAND this!!

(((((((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))))))))) that is a long time without T - i'm sorry

Sometimes when I'm having a hard time and T isn't available, I try to think of what he would tell me about whatever i'm going through. And a lot of the time, it helps. It doesn't help with the lonliness, or the missing, or the need....but it does help with the day to day "how am i supposed to cope with this?" issues.

What does T tell you to do when you get caught in those thought loops?

I hope the time passes quickly for you, jexa. I know it's hard.

[jexa]

Thanks tree.. I'm trying to think of what T would say but it's hard to remember right now for some reason. I know before the break she told me to remember that I always seem to do better when I am getting lots of physical activity. She also told me to remember to plan fun things with friends for the weekends -- she said she knows my social anxiety makes this hard but I always am happier when I get out.

Well, I am going out dancing this Friday with friends. Maybe I should go to the beach on Saturday too, hmm. And physical activity.. well, I sing in a chorus that has a lot of choreography and we rehearsed last night so there's that.. But my bike is broken right now and that's how I usually exercise.. I need to get that taken care of, blah.

It seems like my anxiety sucks up all the in between time though. I am alone in my apartment so often.. and when I am alone, it sucks me in. I try to get out and do stuff to escape the anxiety... but when I am in my apartment, it is always waiting for me. I don't know what T would say about that.

[phoenix7]

maybe you can try to keep busy? are there any indoor hobbies you have? i have indoor and balcony plants and watering them and keeping themm well is somthign that relaxs me - is there musci you can play that make soyu happy? or a particular movie? - my T used to say - play comdeies even if you dont feel like watching them - especially if you dont feel like watching them

iguess if im busy i can keep all those anxious thoughts away and not get into touching things 3 times for luck and checking dorrs and windows - thats just what works for me - keep talking here - that helps too

big hugs to you if ok

P7

p.s., I know what its like to miss T and what Treehouse says is right - try to think what they would say to you - you do seem to remember a lot of what she said - write down a conversation between you and her wiht your thoughts and then dispute them for example -

the new girl hates me

write down what eveidence you have of thsi
then look at ti as clearly as you can trying to think what T would say...
dont know if this helps -
take care

[jexa]

Thanks P7.. T doesn't ask me to challenge my thoughts, in fact she tells me not to do that because I get all crazy obsessive with it.. blah.. *sigh* I think she'd tell me to remember that thoughts are just thoughts, and that what matters is what I'm DOING, how I'm acting, what I'm moving toward. She'd say the important thing is not to run away from my thoughts, but to let them just be, because they are harmless to me, unless I choose to do something about them.

It's so hard to do that though.. to just let them be. I don't know if I can.

[jexa]

I'm feeling SUCH strong urges to email her. I just want ANYTHING, ANYTHING that's connects us. I want to drive all the way to her office and just sit outside. But that is an hour away and would be kind of a crazy thing to do. I am so lonely and tired of being scared all the time. The more I am bothered by being scared, the more scared I get, and it's getting worse..

[elliemay]

yeah, I know. I miss my T too. I wish I didn't, but I do.

It still sucks being the one left behind. To wait.

My session was supposed to be today, so I had a late lunch with an old friend instead. It helped, but I know how you feel.

We'll make it. This time will pass. This situation is not permanent.

Just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

They'll be back.

[googley]

((((((Jexa)))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Your T is gone for such a long time. Could you write letters to her and keep them to give to her when she gets back. So that she will know how much you have missed her? Keep taking care of yourself. You can do this.

[cmac13]

I know this is after the fact but it will probably happen again when you are missing your therapist or seperated for whatever reason...I have asked my therapist to write a letter to me that I can read whenever I am feeling sad, loney and scared when she is away. The hand written letter by her acknowledges my feelings, reminds me of ways to cope and assures me she will not abandon me. I also have her photograph. Both the letter and the photo are comforting but of course they cannot replace her actually talking with me but it helps in the meantime...I am going through the same thing as she is away for 3 weeks.

[jexa]

Ugh all of us going through our T vacations.. and you, googley, without your "real" T, having to settle for a substitute you don't trust.

I keep almost getting to the point where I convince myself that I SHOULD email my T. Or at least do something about this anxiety because right now I am:

- spending most of my day worrying about this or that, unable to focus
- twitching constantly
- feeling apathetic toward work - my performance is slipping
- crying at least once a day
- overeating to feel better
- not exercising and not able to convince myself to do so
- having some suicidal thoughts but nothing serious

I don't know if this kind of increase in anxiety/depression/issues is something I should try to get help for NOW or not. T said if things came up she would be checking her email and voicemail, and if needed, she had a colleague I could see.. I don't want to see someone else.. oh BLAH what can T do anyway?

I just hate that no matter what I do, it's always just ebb and flow. My problems never go away! I'm SICK of the twitching though -- it is REALLY aggravating!!!! I need help. I need T. COME BACK.

Jexa,

It sounds like T offered e-mail as an option for you. Something HAS come up...you are struggling in her absence.

Would it help just to touch base? Could you touch base with her without trying to pre-plan the outcome? ("what can T do anyway"). What if you just reach out and say "my anxiety has increased with you gone, and I'm hoping that if we touch base, it might help" or something. Or even "I miss you and can you e-mail me just to let me know you're still there"? You really don't have to have a big impressive "reason" to reach out - really needing to reach out is reason enough.

I think we are so hard on ourselves sometimes. It's not like you've been calling her 20 times a day since she left. You've made it through a couple of weeks, and there are a couple more to go. It's okay to need to touch base in the middle of all of that.

Be gentle with you. Breathe.

[Lauru]

(((((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))

I am so sorry, right there with ya. I miss my T too. August feels like an eternity doesn't it? All I can do is send you my support and safe hugs

Know that you are not alone. All of us here are here for you. I pray for us that the time flies quickly for us.

[jexa]

Thanks guys.. I tried to write T an email but I couldn't do it. I can't cause her to worry about me right now. She has enough to worry about with her poor dad.. she must be so sad to have to deal with his Alzheimer's.. and who knows if something even worse has happened since I last spoke to her. No, I just can't. I can't cause her any more stress. If I say anything about needing to reach out or just needing to know she's there, she's going to think something is wrong. There's nothing I can say that won't make her worry.

Last night I cried a LOT because my sister told me that lately I've been seeming "glossed over" and like I'm not myself. And now I'm totally freaking out because I feel it too, but I can't seem to return. Where am I? I haven't been able to read for such a long time, and I am a big big reader.. this makes me so sad. I don't feel inspired to craft or do anything for fun. I just sit home and watch movies. I feel like a big fake when I talk to people. I feel like nothing is real anymore, especially not me.

[WePow]

Jexa ... since your T has offered email contact, please take her up on it today.
She is very strong. And based on what you have shared about the close relationship you have with her, I am CERTAIN that she would want you to send her an email so she can contact you back and give you what she alone can give you when you NEED it. Right now, you NEED your T. It is no longer a want. I understand because I needed my T last night.

This is what my T said to me about the whole email thing:

"AND, again... it is okay to e-mail me. I am not able to reply to every one and sometimes (not all the time) it may take me a day to read my e-mail... but don't let that stop you from using e-mail as a therapeutic tool for you. "

I learned from this situation that my T really wants to help me in any way he can. Your T is doing what she needs to do to help her family. But that does not mean her heart is not with you right now. If she said you could contact her by e-mail if you needed her, she WANTS you do take her up on that. She would rather help you out right now and be able to show you that she is there for you than to hear about it after she returns and realize how much you were hurting. She may wonder why you didn't trust her enough to take her up on sending that email when you needed to send it.

Please allow your T to be your T in her own way. BIG BIG BIG hugs to you!!!

[seventyeight]

also jexa, maybe it would be nice for *her* to hear from *you*. like what if she needs a break from all the heavy family stuff, and would just love a distraction and to feel like she was able to help you? if i had to guess, i'd say she's probably feeling pretty helpless right now, so to be able to make a difference for you might be nice for her. you never know. sometimes i think when we fight so much what is the natural course of things, it really changes fate in a negative way if that makes any sense. just do what feels right!

[rainbow8]

Jexa, I agree with seventyeight. Your T may welcome your email, especially since she told you it's all right to email if you need to. It seems to me like you're fighting it too much. Just getting it all out in an email might make you feel much better. Did T say she will reply if you email? If you ask her, do you think she can write something reassuring that you can "hold onto" for the rest of her time away? I read my T's emails over and over; maybe that's obsessive but it comforts me to do that. It's not like you're asking for a session or for her to come back (though I know you wish she would!) I don't think your T would want you to suffer the way you're doing. She's there to help you, after all, right?

[jexa]

Wow guys, thanks so much. You gave me the courage to go ahead and email her. I have been having weird dreams about her, so I guess my way of reaching out was to tell her I'd been having dreams about her and wanted to make sure she was okay. I think this way she will not worry too much and will feel okay writing just a short reply. I don't want her to agonize over the words she uses in this email or to feel badly about not writing more. All I need is a message in my inbox from T that says, "I'm okay." That's ALL I need. Maybe now I will get it. *sigh* Three more weeks..

[WePow]

Jexa - I am so proud of you for reaching out for what you need. I do hope T replies soon for you. It is hard to ask for what we need and takes such courage. Extra big hugs for you!

[jexa]

Thanks wepow.

T responded and now I wish I hadn't sent the email at all. She said:

Hi jexa,

No worries. I am well.

Sounds like you are feeling anxious. It is tough to talk about via email, but take care of yourself and tune into the source of this anxiety. We can definitely talk about it when I get back.

Now I just feel guilty for bothering her... like she thinks I was trying to manipulate her into reassuring me or something. All I wanted was the "no worries, I am well." The rest makes me feel like she is.. reprimanding me or something.

Ugh.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

Now I just feel guilty for bothering her... like she thinks I was trying to manipulate her into reassuring me or something.

(((((jexa)))))

If you'd toughed it out and not e-mailed her, you could just as easily decide later that that had been the wrong thing to do. I say that once you're satisfied you can make yourself wrong for anything at all, you'll realize that being wrong doesn't mean anything and -- you can simply omit it!

All I wanted was the "no worries, I am well." The rest makes me feel like she is.. reprimanding me or something.

Because you don't think you should be experiencing anxiety but she noticed you were anyway? I wouldn't expect her to deal with your anxiety by reprimanding you for it so... is it possible you might be reprimanding yourself?

[jexa]

Thanks FZ.. Long time no see! I suppose you're right.. it's like no matter what I do, I feel like it's the wrong thing to do. Especially lately What if you know it doesn't make sense, but you can't omit it? What if the realization just doesn't stick?

I don't feel like she was reprimanding me for my anxiety. I feel like she was reprimanding me for bugging her about my anxiety. Like, "we'll talk about it when I get back" really means "geez, couldn't this wait until I got back?" And it could have, it really could have. I can skate by one way or another. And there she is way up there dealing with her dad and I'm just whining at her -- I'm making her work. And I feel like this email was her trying to say, "Don't email me, I'm busy." I feel really bad & guilty.

[rartemis]

It didn't sound to me like she was reprimanding you at all Jexa. It sounded like a boundary. Your next session is in August and she is acknowledging your email, which sounds kind.

I deal with obsessive thoughts for the most part. I know how hard it can be to 'change the tape' in my head to get onto another subject. It's hard but it does sound like your doing it.

And August is only a couple of weeks away.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

.. it's like no matter what I do, I feel like it's the wrong thing to do. Especially lately

Being "wrong" (or thinking you are) seems to be coming up for you, to be looked at. From here (at a safe distance ) it looks a lot like progress. I'm guessing you've had those issues all along and if you weren't aware of them, they would've been running you to some extent.

What if you know it doesn't make sense, but you can't omit it? What if the realization just doesn't stick?

I used to find myself in that situation a lot. I tried to deal with it by working harder and harder to impress on myself, "That doesn't make sense! Stop doing it, already! People will think you're nuts!" That had very little effect so I figured I had to be nuts.

Nowadays, though, I'm a lot more likely to keep doing what I'm doing and instead omit thinking that it doesn't make "sense".

And there she is way up there dealing with her dad and I'm just whining at her -- I'm making her work.

From the perspective of making yourself wrong, that makes perfect sense. If, on the other hand, she happened to enjoy being a good therapist... and liked working with you... and it didn't really feel like "work" to her... and she just happened to need a short break from family stuff... then your e-mail could have been just what she needed. Which version sounds better to you, will probably tell you more about where you're coming from than about the relative merits of the two versions.

[looking4polaris]

Wow. Aug 6 does sound like an endless amount of time to wait. I hate waiting and I am not a patient person. This will sound childish, but whenever I have a date to get to, I make a paper chain so I can physically pull a link off at the end of everyday. Or, sometimes I make a huge calendar and put a big black x over the day at the end of the day. I find it very satisfying to mark that big X. It helps me to see that the time is not endless. That there is indeed an end to the waiting and I am getting closer everyday.

Or you could try my other tried and true method of making time fly which is to schedule something I'm really not looking forward to (like a trip to the dentist) for around the same time. Then it gets there way before I want it to.

Also, when I am missing my T, I sit in a chair with an empty chair facing mine and have conversations with invisible T. It really feels calming and helps me relax. Plus, I get to make invisible T say whatever I want to hear ...although I mostly try to stick the things he usually says.

I really hope you are able to find some things to tame your anxiety and make it through to August and reuniting with your T.

[WePow]

Jexa... what I read from your T - to me - sounded like she was saying that she was glad you wrote and that she is letting you know she does pick up on a bit of anxiety that she WANTS to help you with as soon as she can do so. She cares deeply about you and wants to help you process this through.

" No worries. I am well. " (( I read your T saying "Thanks for asking about me, I am ontop of things here))

"Sounds like you are feeling anxious." (( I read: I can hear in your email that you are having some problem right now. I want to stop and acknowledge that for you so you KNOW that I do know you are in a tough spot right now. ))

"It is tough to talk about via email," (( I read: I understand that email isn't going to be enough to help you through this right now."))

"but take care of yourself and tune into the source of this anxiety." (( I read: I feel good with the skills you have learned and I trust you to be able to take care of yourself right now when I can't be there."))

"We can definitely talk about it when I get back." (( I read: Now even though I know you have the tools to handle this, I WANT to work with you on this as soon as I can. I want to be there for you through this. You are NOT alone with this and I am not expecting you to do it alone either."