I'm trying but i just cant trust it

after mondays T sesson i have hardly been able to sleep.all i have been doing is trying to process what went on in therapy.so much went on.her reading my letter and starting art therapy and how patient she was and how careing she came off as.on that day she just seemed to get it and i felt she really has a real grasp on what i am struggling with.and how she can help me.the problem is i dont trust it at all i am scared to go to therapy on monday and have it be the same.if it is i swear it will be devistating.i'm angry at the moment i'm angry that she showed me this side of her .if it isnt real and just fake ill know it monday.i'm really trying to trust it but i am having a real hard time.i feel this cant help me the answer cant be this simple.and she was so patient .nobody is that patient it just isnt real and im sad because i want it to be so badly.

Trust can be so hard. I think you and I both have a right to be cautious.
What is helping me make it right now through all these trust issues is allowing myself to feel both the trust and fear at the same time but keeping both in check.

Instead of giving T all my trust, he gets a lot of it. That leaves room for things like what happened Monday.
If took many of those thing happen, I will find a new T. Not that I see that as ever happening. But I must always leave my heart an escape route.
This allows me to enjoy the good bits as they happen!

granite, is it scary that someone IRL can reach you?

Granite,
I can remember times in therapy where I felt really connected and like my T really got what was going on. I remember being kind of really excited and really overwhelmed at the same time. I also remember attacking myself between sessions for ..."being stupid". IDK...what happened but things just slowly got better. I think one thing that happened was that sometimes the session immediately following a really connected ones were kind of off and disconnected and...it sucked but the relationship surivied and eventually another really connected session would happen. I guess just over time having one incredible miracle session among many losses disconnected ones slowing turned into average connections with a lot of little pieces that eventually connect to something profound.

IDK...all I can say is do your best to quiet the noise in your head telling you negative things are going to happen. Because even if a few do...you and your T will likely find a way to handle that too.

Not sure it it will help you but for a while when my between session thoughts were really negative I kept an Evidence of Caring list. It sounds kind of stupid now...but then it was really important and got me through the time between sessions. I used to write down little things my T would do or say that really helped me or that really demonstrated that she actually care for me...at least during the hour I was there. I think if you look at your post immedately following your art therapy experiment you will see some things to write down. Like..she sat right next to you and drew with you. This says to me...your T is NOT just going through the motions of doing here job...she is really trying to connect with you. Her efforts may not always be successful but you have this instance on the list as evidence that she is trying.

that has never happened at all.no therapist has ever been able to get iin my head but no therapist has ever tried art therapy either.or just let me be if i didnt want to talk.my T was just so patient.i know no person can be that way all the time it is unrealistic.i just cant get over the fact that she was sitting so close to me and didnt touch me or force me to respond to her.now i worry about doing well with the art therapy.i have never done this and really have no real idea of what she wants from me.to be honest a big part of me wants to go monday and put a stop to all of it because i am scared and have no idea what she is up to and i really dont want to be traped bye her and hurt.

weepow with all that you have been going through with your T would have blown any trust i may have had.i find your ability to trust amazing and i love your idea of keeping some back we will see what happens in my next sesson.but trust just isnt thare even though i really want it to be thare.

wow i am totally intreagued by your list.maybe something like that woukd be good to try for me to even remember that she is doing some things that arnt bad.do you mind me asking what kind of things you had on your list

So you can't believe that she will continue to be a nice therapist? You are just waiting for her to be forceful and hurtful like you experienced in the residential treatment? I am so sorry that you had such terrible experiences.

((((((Granite))))))



Trust is hard.

Granite, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! I know it's hard to trust. I don't have a session this week, but I'm already wondering how I will feel, and if T doesn't seem as nurturing, will I be devastated? I can't ask her to hold my hand every session, or maybe I can. It's too scary to contemplate.

So, go and trust that T is not going to turn into a different person than she was last week. She surely saw you responded well to the art therapy. Try not to be scared.

Granite, just give a tiny amount of trust to start with. Not much. Just enough for that time when you are in the room. Trust will grow the more you are able to safely use it.

granite...THANK YOU... I hadn't pulled this list up on my computer for a long time. The first few things were really basic:
· she is a professional who chose this career and it requires that she be caring
· always respectful
· helps me focus and clarify important information
· listens
· appears genuine
· remembers stuff
Later things were:
· seems to know what I need and then offering it without making me ask, grope, and beg for it. Not keeping a list of IOU over my head,
· recognizing what I need when it is different than what I want. Having the awareness and strength not to apologize for it when I don’t yet understand what she actually did for me
· Seems to be vigilant in protecting my privacy and helping me understand that he realizes how important that is too me.

Thing I can now add:

• hasn't condemned, rejected, or feared me when I've told her the awful things I've done.
• is willing to risk speaking up to tell me truths that come from a higher source
• has refused to direct or lead me even when I've wanted to be lead. Being patient with me until I eventually find my own way. This sucks but its empowering

i definately am going to start a list.i think it is an awsome idea.it may not be as extensive as yours and real basic but i think i really need help in trust.it isnt easy and it is kind of a tool to help with that.thanks for sharing your list.

just a few more hours.i'm scared to go

How did it go?