[Melbadaze]

One of my 17yr old daughters seems to be struggling with teenage yrs harder than my other 2 children. Her mood swings are quite pronounced and I tend to find myself feeling hypervigliant toward her partly because of my history of alcoholism, but that started at 14 and shes never walked in legless yet, and then theres the history of mental health, my own and what I know of my birth mother. I've talked about this some with T about how I am feeling around it all.

So this week her phone broke can you imagine what a catastrophe that is for a 17yr old? , so for my sake as well as hers I went out and bought a cheap one for her to use until her one is fixed, partly because I remember what 17 was like and how much it means to be in touch with peers, and partly because I want to know shes got one to contact me when shes out incase of emergency's, even this I struggled with wondering if I were being codependent? and I was caught between thinking about the times T is kind toward me when I feel I dont deserve it and thinking well if I am being codependent then thats just where I am right now and perhaps in the future I'd make a different decision, so I stopped beating myself up, something I've not normally been able to do, I gave myself a break, but then my daughter was moaning about this cheap phone , how she can't do this or that with it and I got angry and told her to give it a rest and to look at the positive, I mean shes got a phone now at least!

She then went sulky and I felt I'd not handled it how I wished I had and walked away and gave myself some time, and what it reminded me of is the times I want T to be part of my moods/anger/rage/fear and how she remains "still", and how when we're through it, and I feel as if I've perhaps annoyed her, she remains as gentle and caring as she always is, and I walked back into the living room where my daughter was sitting with her phone, and gently stroked her head as I made me way through to the other room, just to let her know, I still care, and that felt right, it felt like the relationship I have with T, how she "strokes" my head with her kindness and how I feel someone has taken my "distress" and loved me still.

When I came back into the living room she was laughing on her phone with a friend and the world was right again for her.

I can honestly say hand on heart, without the therapy relationship, I wouldn't have been able to do any of this! and made me realize by my going to therapy its healing effects ripple out much further than just me and my problems.

I love therapy!

[peaches100]

Melbadaze,

I love your real-life example of how you applied what you learned from t to your own relationship with your daughter! I've also found myself sometimes reacting to things differently because of what i've learned in therapy, and knowing it's the healthier thing to do. . .and seeing a better outcome. And it is a great feeling!!

Sometimes, i think about all those people out in the world who never learned these skills and how they are just reacting to triggers and what-have-you, with no insight about why they respond the way they do, or how else they might handle situations better. And it's sad.

What kills me is how many people think therapy is just a "poor baby," hand holding, feel good session. It's alot of blood, sweat, tears, and hard work!!! But the advantages are worth it and, once learned, the skills can be applied in our relationships throughout our lives, even after the therapy has ended.

That's why I like my t's cbt focus. It is all about applying what I learn to my "real" world. I take what I know and USE it. Good for you!

[Perna]

I love when what happens at T has side effects in my real life; how I can eat ice cream cones and messy sandwiches now because of what I learned in therapy

[trueFaith]

This is awesome!

Your awareness leads to responsibility and the responsibility to fulfilment AND to a happy daughter who have a really good roll model in you. Good work Melba!

PS: There you have it – the art of therapy! I understand! I love it too!

[chaotic13]

I feel that my children have benefited a lot from me being in therapy. Taking back control of my home was one of the first things to happen when I started therapy. Finding my emotions again after being numb and frozen has been priceless for both me and my children.

[Manipulated-Minds]

I guess going to therapy teaches you to be mindful and caring toward others as well. It's a good trait to have in moderation.

(((((((((melba)))))))))

thank you for sharing that story

I use a lot of what I've learned in therapy with my boys. I'll stop for a second and think "how would T handle this" and it helps a lot.

That's actually been one of the best things about therapy for me!

[REEG]

Melba,

THANKS for posting this! I get such hope from your stories of change.

I've been stuck in the painful part of awareness of patterns I'm not so proud of, mostly about emotional responses that are rough, responses that are not nurturing or caring.

Yes, it's great when one of those little miracles happen and you are able to give more to those you love (esp kids) because of Therapy.

Had a little miracle myself tonight- my nephew was really obsessed with getting a used computer and was very upset when I did not give him money for it. He hid in the store and sulked, then wouldn't get in the car. Rather than get punative and go to consequences, I was able to take a breath and use simple validation- "it's diappointing when you were excited about something and don't get what you want" He had SUCH a great turnaround and we enjoyed the rest of our night!

And I know I was only able to do this because I can now catch my negative thoughts - along the lines of "oh, grow up, don't make a fuss" and recognize that's about my past, and not helpful, really....

[JustWannaDisappear]

this really touched me. I started going to therapy in June after I completely lost it with my daughter, who is 4yrs old. I am so glad I found my T. She is a mother is 6 and has great grand kids, so her experiences have really helped me.

[Melbadaze]

Reeg, oh you did good!

Justwanna, so pleased you found someone who will help you...isn't great to have messed up but know in your heart you so want to do it differently, much respect to you.