[zooropa]

I'm just overwhelmed. I keep waiting for things to calm down inside me, but as the days go by I don't feel any better. Every time I close my eyes, the memories and flashbacks and images and feelings are there. Every time I try to sleep I wake up crying and yelling and fighting. I can't get any peace and it's wearing me out. I don't even know what to do. Nothing, I guess. I just keep waiting, because I've learned that emotions are like waves and they come and go, but this just keeps coming and coming and coming.

I want to call my T but I don't know what she could say, what anyone could possibly say, that would help. I feel like if I call her I'm just spreading my sorrow around, like a virus.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))

[zooropa]

ack. I called my T and woke her up. It's early here, just barely dark, so I thought it would be safe to call her. Now I feel like a heel.

she said she's going to be honest with me, it's not going to start feeling better anytime real soon. I mean, I appreciate her honesty, I don't want her to lie to me even to make me feel better, but... I pretty much already knew that. She said we might be done with the story by the end of summer, but the emotions are going to take a while to process. I think she has much more faith in my ability to survive this than I do. Much more.

[zooropa]

I guess I'm having some kind of crisis of faith (in therapy) over here. It has just occurred to me how horrible I feel. Really, really horrible. And this is supposed to be HELPING me? I keep saying I trust my T and I trust the process, but I feel like I've just been hit over the head with the clue stick. THERAPY IS NOT HELPING.

Telling my story is not helping. I feel exponentially worse now than I did this time last week, and the reason is therapy. The reason is going in there week after week and going over trauma and reliving it. Reliving it all week, alone, in the dark and every time I let down my guard. Forcing myself to open up to my T only to have to go through the pain of being alone with the feelings dredged up in all those hours between sessions.

Sure, T is with me, when I'm there in her office. But as soon as I walk out the door I'm alone with this stuff and I have to say, I think I'm better off alone with it buried than alone with it unearthed and gnawing on my heart.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I guess I'm having some kind of crisis of faith (in therapy) over here. It has just occurred to me how horrible I feel. Really, really horrible. And this is supposed to be HELPING me? I keep saying I trust my T and I trust the process, but I feel like I've just been hit over the head with the clue stick. THERAPY IS NOT HELPING.

Telling my story is not helping. I feel exponentially worse now than I did this time last week, and the reason is therapy. The reason is going in there week after week and going over trauma and reliving it. Reliving it all week, alone, in the dark and every time I let down my guard. Forcing myself to open up to my T only to have to go through the pain of being alone with the feelings dredged up in all those hours between sessions.

Sure, T is with me, when I'm there in her office. But as soon as I walk out the door I'm alone with this stuff and I have to say, I think I'm better off alone with it buried than alone with it unearthed and gnawing on my heart.

Hi zoo, I was at the exact same place not so long ago. I'm not sure I can be of much help here, so I just wanted to say that it is possible to get through this and then feel better. Some time ago, I was feeling like you are now. I haven't worked through everything yet (in fact, I had to stop working on traumatic issues it was so horrible) but you will be pleased to hear that it does get much better with time. It won't always be like this. Would some time off help you, what do you think, like going on vacation? It worked wonders for me. Just getting a break from these thoughts can be a relief in itself. Anyway, I just wanted to give you some hope. Thinking of you, Ocean.

[darkrunner]

(((((Zooropa)))))
My heart aches for you.
I'm so sorry it is so hard for you right now.

When I read what you wrote about therapy not helping and you feeling worse, the thought came to mind that maybe a good analogy is someone who has cancer. They may feel fine before they are diagnosed, and then they have to go through chemo and radiation which makes them feel AWFUL, like they want to die. Like the 'cure' feels worse than the sickness. But when the treatment is over they can survive and live a long, healthy life.

It is so hard to see the big picture when you are at the bottom of a black hole.
There is light somewhere and you will get to it eventually even though it may feel like it is a million miles away.
Your T sees the light and we see the light.
You can get there and you can survive this.

[Sannah]

Zoo, it does feel awful while you are going through this trauma processing but eventually you will feel better, even better than before. This is just the very tough part that you have to go through to get better. Being good to yourself might help a little. Is there anything that you can do which helps you to feel better?

(((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))

Therapy made me feel sooooooooooooo much worse before I got better. When I went to therapy, I mostly felt numb, occasionally happy, or stressed out. Those were (very literally) the only feelings I had (besides the underlying fear that I lived with).

When we processed the trauma stuff, all of the memories and feelings that I pushed away for years and years were righthere in my face. It was overwhelming. I barely functioned for a while, and almost ended up in the hospital at one point. It was hard for me to do anything - buy groceries, do school with my boys, etc. I felt like I had destroyed my life. The only thing that kept me moving forward for a while was the fact that I liked T and I knew there were two hours each week when I could try to get some of the poison out of my system and be taken care of a little bit.

I really didn't know if I would survive either. I started therapy in November 2007 and started talking about one of my traumas in the first couple of months of therapy. I finished telling my story a few months ago.

I did learn, over time, that no matter how much it hurt, I would survive it.

I had to find things to do that kept my attention but didn't give me time to think. I played so much guitar hero that I beat the game and was the envy of all of the teenage boys we know That was honestly what got me through all of this early on.

I am SO sorry that you have to go through this, zoo. It's not fair. Feeling this stuff IS how we heal. You ARE doing it, and you're surviving it. It really, really, really won't feel this bad forever.

During times when I was in the most painful parts of the trauma crap, I SO wanted to just KNOW how and when I was going to feel better, but all we can know is the moment we're in. But I *always* found my way out of the darkness eventually, and now I only have to go there occasionally.

You can do this, zoo. You ARE doing it. Hang in there.

Be extra gentle with you

[Melbadaze]

T always use to say when I said "therapy was putting the pain there", no the pain was always there, just your more aware of it now and once aware can address it rather then it leaking out in all other ways, and then when I said the pain felt to much to bear, she'd say "thats actually a positive, it means you are stronger now and care feel it", of course, none of which I wanted to hear at the time, but something that I needed to hear to help me keep going forward, and one does, and it does get better, then a little worse for a while, then a bit better again, and each time I arrived at the little bit better stage, there was change, I actually felt stronger.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo ))))

Ugh, this sounds so hard. SO HARD. Just know that we are here, and that I am holding you close to me while you go through this.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I guess I'm having some kind of crisis of faith (in therapy) over here. It has just occurred to me how horrible I feel. Really, really horrible. And this is supposed to be HELPING me? I keep saying I trust my T and I trust the process, but I feel like I've just been hit over the head with the clue stick. THERAPY IS NOT HELPING.

Telling my story is not helping. I feel exponentially worse now than I did this time last week, and the reason is therapy. The reason is going in there week after week and going over trauma and reliving it. Reliving it all week, alone, in the dark and every time I let down my guard. Forcing myself to open up to my T only to have to go through the pain of being alone with the feelings dredged up in all those hours between sessions.

Sure, T is with me, when I'm there in her office. But as soon as I walk out the door I'm alone with this stuff and I have to say, I think I'm better off alone with it buried than alone with it unearthed and gnawing on my heart.

What skills are you using? The point of learning the DBT skills before working through trauma is so that you don't relive it all week. When you call T, do you ever ask her for skills coaching to help you through the rough moments? Feeling the connection with T is just one part of it. The skills are there for you to use so that you can change the way you are feeling in the moment. It's good to feel the pain, but not constantly. Can you watch a funny movie? How about going for a mindfulness walk? Just observe and describe your surroundings and bring your attention to where you are right now. What else can you do to help yourself cope?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

all we can know is the moment we're in.

Thank you Tree. Speaking for myself, I need to have this tattooed on my forehead or something. Somehow it's about impossible to keep in mind.

They say that the only way out is through. You have been through - and now you're on the way out.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( zoo))))))))))))))))))))))))) this is for you

[zooropa]

oh, you guys. It was so great to come here and read your responses this morning. Thank you, each and every one one of you.

I had a rough night last night (obviously). My dreams were as messed up and horrible as ever. I called my T this morning before I even got out of bed, and talked to her. She keeps telling me it's not going to be this bad forever. I have to believe her. I could walk away from her, quit therapy, but then I would be completely alone with this. I have gone too far now to go back. I just have to keep going forward, one step, one moment at a time.

tree, like you I was so numb when I came to therapy. I guess that's why it feels so horrible now, because I'm really FEELING for the first time. Thank you for continually reminding me that it won't be this bad forever.

tay, I'm using my DBT skills like crazy. As much distress and turmoil as I have been in these past few weeks, it would have been so much worse without the skills that I have learned. My T is also very good about always bringing me back to DBT. So I can call her in a complete meltdown, and 5 minutes later she has me focusing on what skills are going to be most effective in the moment. I am lucky to have her.

SAWE, thank you for reminding me that the only way out is through. I tell that to myself, a lot, but I think I had forgotten recently. I really have passed the point of no return. I just have to keep going. It sounds so simple, but is so hard.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I guess I'm having some kind of crisis of faith (in therapy) over here. It has just occurred to me how horrible I feel. Really, really horrible.

I'm so sorry you feel so horrible for so long. I was in therapy for 9 years the last time, can identify with that feeling and the length of time. But it does get better! Think of it like a really long tunnel you have to travel through and that you're afraid of the dark Therapy does work though and when you get through the tunnel, the "other" side truly is that much better. Doesn't feel better the whole time through the tunnel, not until you get near the other opening and can see the grass and flowers and blue sky, etc.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

I haven't worked through everything yet (in fact, I had to stop working on traumatic issues it was so horrible)

Oceanwave, thank you so much for sharing that - even though I know it reflects so much pain. It's worth something to know that I'm not the only one who has had to stop for now... I have been feeling like such a failure and it's not really so. When the waves get that high, we call it a flood, and that's all there is to it.

thank you for this gift. I hope you get through soon.

[zooropa]

I had a dream last night that my T moved her office and changed her phone # without telling me. Then I saw her in public somewhere and she wouldn't talk to me. It was sad. I called her this morning and told her about the dream, because it felt so real and even though I KNEW it was just a dream, I had to make sure. It really shows me how much this stuff is on my mind and how huge my fear of abandonment is.

I'm torn between wanting to take a break from trauma work, to slow things down a little bit at least, and wanting to just power through it and be done. I know my T doesn't think taking a break at this point would be helpful. But I also know she thinks I'm stronger than I do. I don't know. I guess at my next session I can talk to her about maybe just slowing down a little bit. I just don't know if that will help or if it would just prolong the agony.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I had a dream last night that my T moved her office and changed her phone # without telling me. Then I saw her in public somewhere and she wouldn't talk to me.

if that was my dream my T would say it sounded like wish fulfillment!!

I want to do the work, but it hurts. last week I dreamed about a young man who was in a 1930's hospital and had to be spoon fed by his nurse. After a while his powerlessness was unbearable and he decided to go on a hunger strike - but in time he realized it was either give in and take it, or die - so he gave in. All the rest of the night I kept repeating this sad anecdote to myself in my sleep. T will hear it next week... she's not gonig to like it.

but you know what? To tell her, I have to GO THERE, so I am going.
Hang on, Zoo, we will all be pulling for you too.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

if that was my dream my T would say it sounded like wish fulfillment!!

I want to do the work, but it hurts. last week I dreamed about a young man who was in a 1930's hospital and had to be spoon fed by his nurse. After a while his powerlessness was unbearable and he decided to go on a hunger strike - but in time he realized it was either give in and take it, or die - so he gave in. All the rest of the night I kept repeating this sad anecdote to myself in my sleep. T will hear it next week... she's not gonig to like it.

but you know what? To tell her, I have to GO THERE, so I am going.
Hang on, Zoo, we will all be pulling for you too.

SAWE, why do you say your T won't like your dream? To me it doesn't seem sad but hopeful. I'm sure it felt sad to you, since you describe it that way, but to me it seems like hitting bottom and realizing you want to live. I can see parts of myself and my story in that dream. I'm just wondering what it meant to YOU.

I have a feeling I might be in the worst part of the trauma work right now. My T said that by the end of summer we might be done. I'm assuming she means be done with the detailed recounting of the story. Somehow, knowing that this is the worst part actually makes me feel a little better. It's so painful, almost unbearable, but if I can convince myself that is won't get any worse than this, I can see that I might be able to get through it.

I know mindfulness and being in the moment would help me a lot right now, but I just can't seem to remember to do that.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

SAWE, why do you say your T won't like your dream? To me it doesn't seem sad but hopeful. I'm sure it felt sad to you, since you describe it that way, .

It makes me feel like an ingrate to T who is trying to help me and it's like I don'r receive her kindness, I can't feel it.

People on PC talk about how warm and connected they feel with their T and I respect her, I like her, she's so obviously a good person and she does so much for me, but I don't really feel what they feel.

I don't know if I even can. And if not with her, -
then I begin to doubt whether I will not ultimately fail. So I go on - it's all I know to do.

(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

Remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can take a break for a session and see how it feels, and then go back to the trauma stuff. You can do the trauma stuff for a session and then try a break. Whatever you decide to try doesn't have to be forever.

I know when I was doing my trauma stuff, it was trial and error. It still is, sometimes. Sometimes the trauma stuff pushes at me and I choose not to talk about it and it's okay. Sometimes it keeps pushing and I need to call T, or talk about it at my next session. There's no "right" way to do it, you know?

I did start to learn, after a while, that if something was pushing at me really really hard - if I was having lots of flashbacks or nightmares, or if my mind was caught in some kind of painful thought loop that I couldn't stop - I needed to talk about it. T told me that bringing things out of the darkness and into the light helps make them more manageable, and in a lot of ways, that was true. Not just the stories about what happened to me, but the stories I told myself that went with them (I'm dirty, I'm bad, it was my fault, I deserved it, etc.)

Can you just let Monday happen however it happens? You don't have to decide right now what to talk about. Can you watch a movie or read Ann Lamott or knit something new and complicated?

I just remembered that one thing that helped me sometimes was writing things down. sometimes if I could get it out on paper, it helped me let it go for a little bit. I think I held on so tightly to the things in my head that they ended up kind of haunting me. Sometimes, I could write it down and get some relief for a little bit.

Be gentle with you, zoo. You are working hard

[peaches100]

Hi Zoo,

Sorry you're in so much pain from the trauma processing. I can understand that overwhelmed feeling! In my case, I simply could not just "power through" it. We had to break down the trauma work into smaller pieces, so that i could process it and "do life" without breaking down. There just was no other way to do it. We were trying to take too much at a time, and i was decompensating. We didn't stop the trauma processing, but we've broken it into smaller, more manageable chunks. We've had to intersperse it with regular sessions at times when the pain has gotten too bad to function.

I hope you will be able to stress to your t how you feel, and to ask her to help you make the trauma processing less traumatic and overwhelming.

[zooropa]

Remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can take a break for a session and see how it feels, and then go back to the trauma stuff. You can do the trauma stuff for a session and then try a break. Whatever you decide to try doesn't have to be forever

thank you for that, tree. You are so good about always reminding me there is a middle way. I get so black and white sometimes. Thank you.

Who knows what will happen over the weekend, but my plan for now is to do as peaches said and just go in there and let her know how I feel and that I'm wondering how it would be to take a break. We always talk about my diary card and whatever is on there first, and then she will attempt to make eye contact with me and ask me if I'm ready. We both know what she's asking if I'm ready for: trauma crap. I have always said yes, even when I didn't feel like I was. I think if I tell her in that moment, no, I'm not, she will listen and we can go from there.

I do worry sometimes that because my T is so goal-oriented and because DBT is a time-limited therapy it might make her push me harder than another T might. This can be both good and bad. I need some pushing sometimes. But I also need to feel like I'm ultimately in control of my therapy. If I didn't have this pervasive fear of therapy ending before I'm ready it would certainly change pretty much everything for me.

SAWE, lots of extra hugs for you. Sometimes all we can do is keep showing up, and that IS something. You're doing it and it's not easy.

[mixedup_emotions]

You know, zoo, I remember quite a while ago when I felt pressured to continue on a faster path through difficult stuff....I felt as though I would disappoint T otherwise.

But I got to a point where I couldn't. I simply didn't have the energy, having reached my limit with overwhelming day to day stuff. I was already barely functioning and knew that I couldn't handle more.

T respects that. He does not have any set expectation or agenda...although I know he wants me to go there.

He mentioned to me yesterday that there are some areas that I have been putting a lot of effort into - and other areas that I won't touch - such as trauma...His example was sharing my "secrets" in group T. I'm not ready yet...but I may be getting close, as I am feeling safer in group these days.

But in any case, it'll take as long as it takes....because only I know what I can handle.

Be kind to yourself...

[zooropa]

After calling my T 3 times in less than 24 hours, I decided I had to stop. That was yesterday afternoon. I have to say, I'm not doing too great, but I'm pretty sure I'm not doing any worse than I would be if I'd have let myself keep calling her at will.

In some ways just knowing I CAN call her, but telling myself that she needs a break from zooropa, it helps. I have to learn to stand on my own 2 feet eventually, probably sooner than later, so no time like the present to start trying it out, right?

I just want so badly to be able to tell myself I'm okay and to really feel that coming from within me and not have to get it from T or any outside source. I want that SO much, but I'm not there yet. It's frustrating.