T is moving

Jexa, my heart hurts each time I read this posting and feel how much pain you have inside. I am so so so sorry that this is going on right now for you! I can't imagine the agony you are in and I have no idea what to say positive to try to help you because it feels like there is no escape and so much pain. I know you can do it, but wow - this must be insanely hard for you to go through! I am also very sorry she is not able to see you Friday. That really stinks. I know how that can just add pain ontop of pain. I wish I could just sit with you silently through this and be able to just let you know you are not alone right now. Please try to be safe.

((((((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))))))

During times of acute distress when I've asked for an extra appt and T has been busy, it REALLY sends me into a spiral. Like your T, my T tends to just leave a message like "I'm really sorry, but I don't have anything on Friday" and that's it. It's been REALLY hard for me to learn to recognize my needs, admit that I have them, and ask to have them met - REALLY hard - and when I'm having a really hard time and I ask for something and T says "no", it FEELS like when I was little and was at best ignored, and at worst punished, for having needs. I end up feeling ashamed and rejected and frustrated and really really angry at myself for having needs. Ugh.

Your post reminded me of that, although I don't know if any of that rings true for you.

The thing is, it's CLEAR from the outside that you're not being "too needy"...you are in pain for SUCH a legitimate reason. I'm sure that T moving in the middle of our work is one of the biggest fears of everyone on this board, and you are going through it. I can't imagine how I would feel if that happened now, and it would have been even worse in an earlier stage of our work.

I hope you will give yourself the chance to start working with another T. I wonder if you could meet with a T JUST for help with what's going on right now with your T? With no pressure to tell your story, or start over, or anything like that. Just something to help you get through now.

Holding you in my heart...

Jexa, my T did that but in reverse; told me when she was retiring and then went away for a couple months. I had a lot more time than just the two months you have to work on it with her but here are some things I learned that maybe you can use?

Pace yourself, feel/express the grief over time. As has been said, your T isn't gone yet. You will see her Friday. Think about Friday and organize a little bit of what you will tell her, what, exactly, hurts the most or worries you the most.

Start now to build some bridges that go from here to after she is gone. Imagine if you went to see a new T what you would like in a T and how it would be. You don't have to do anything right this minute, just imagine it and what the person would be like and how much they'd cost and how often you'd see them and what you would say first session, etc. Maybe talk to your T now about what she could do for you to help with a next T; either recommendations, writing a letter, contact after you found one you wanted so the new could call the old if she wanted, etc.

Don't just build T bridges though, plan an event for November or December or the new year; I went on a trip two months after terminating with T that was big and took me a year to plan for. I found a new house and moved/retired myself a month after T. T and I terminated in the summer and that summer I found a women's group therapy situation and joined that. It turned out to be a bust but the finding/doing and initial meetings were complicated and interesting to me and helped me see myself as helping myself with the termination. I took courses in college, online. Find things in your regular life that are larger than the termination period and work on them now.

You cannot scream yourself to death; I was into crying myself to death :-) Your voice would go. You are safe, just in a whole lot of pain. It's grief and fear. These will lessen over time. Doesn't seem like it but doesn't make it any less true. Imagine yourself at January 1, 2011, what would you like for that day? Who/what will be in your life then and how will you be doing? What do you want for your Life? Move toward that and the current pit with its nasty, destroying, sucking tarry self will let you go, you will take back the energy you have given it.

Getting to Friday will be three hard days.
Like they say in AA, one day at a time, don't look any further ahead than the next few hours.
Here's my favorite box of tissues (decorator box!), strawberry vitamin C lozenges (for your throat sore from screaming out your pains) and a box of roll gauze (left over from my injury) and first aid tape. Please take of your wounds, inside and outside, each day until Friday.

On Friday, you and T can make a plan for the time that remains together. A plan for continuing care during 1st semester, with mental health check points.
You can become a therapist.
You will be a therapist who has a therapist (isn't that the best kind??).

From my husband when I thought I should finish therapy in a year: "Why would you set a time limit on how long it may take for you to heal?"
Jexa, don't set a deadline for getting well, you don't have to have one. School will have plenty of deadlines!

Come back tomorrow and tell us how you are doing

(((((((Jexa)))))))

You are so amazingly articulate in describing what you're going through. It is obvious you're in a huge amount of pain and distress right now. I'm so sorry. I feel powerless to help but I do want to echo the fact that you are NOT being selfish. You aren't a selfish person. Allow yourself to feel the pain without judging it, or yourself.

I really hope you will tell your T on Friday at least some of what you're feeling. I think she would want to know. I know it feels like T doesn't care, because if she did why would she being doing this to you? But I think if you check the facts you can look back and find many instances of how much she does care.

I hurt for you, and with you, Jexa. Hang in there.

My therapist is moving away too. We had a very good last session, but now i am very sad over her too I feel like there is no one else beside her.
I don't know what to do too

Oh Jexa. I'm a complete stranger, never met you, sitting here thousands of miles away from you and my heart broke when I read your last post. But, honestly, I was also blown away by your style and force of expression. Do you really think that your T who knows you so well and worked hard for you doesn't care? Not very likely, is it, and deep down you know that.

Her move is a painful reality but you can and will survive that. As many others have already said, expressing your feelings (of anger, hate, frustration, disappoitment) is the only way to get through this. In fact, you have just done that above, in a post that is absolutely beautiful (even though very painful) and shows just how articulate you are and how well you communicate in writing. Have you ever tried writing when you feel that something is beyond words to express? It would be worth a try capturing that elusive, inexpressible thing. Please do show your feelings to her in session too and let your T express hers. I understand you wanting to undo all the work you did together, in anger. But don't do that. Talk to her. That's the least painful way to get through this, for both of you. But you know this already.

((((( JEXA )))))

My heart aches for you SO much right now. I hope you are able to tell T all of these feelings that you're dealing with. I'm sorry you feel so out of control right now....

I don't even want to imagine the pain you are going through, but it is so valid and understandable. You worked so hard to get to this place and it's SO hard to recognize the ground you've covered, how far you've come, and that you don't start over from scratch...

Having things come to a halt, deal with the grief of such a profound loss and then pick up with someone new, develop that relationship...SO SO SO MUCH to handle. This probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but this experience will help you when you are a T...because one day, someone will be coming to you after this same kind of heartbreak, in need of your help to get them through.

Is there anyone IRL - a support system - that you can talk to or lean on? Post here, as much as you need, to let these feelings come to the surface and be expressed.

And, of course, contact a crisis hotline or go to the ER if you feel that you are putting yourself in danger. Some help can go a long way...

Thank you all so much. I'll come back to reply in more depth later. I just wanted to say that I'm feeling a little calmer today. I hadn't been sleeping more than 3-4 hours/night since my session on Friday, and last night I took a pill and actually slept 8 hours. I forgot how much of an effect sleep has.

Anyway, just wanted to update in case anyone was worrying. I was able to get through work today, which is good. The last two days I "went home sick" but today I got through it somehow. Feeling numb again, hope it lasts.

I'm so glad you got some sleep, Jexa. It does make such a huge difference.

*trigger for SI*
Thanks again to everyone for being there for me right now. I am still grieving very much and probably will be for a while. And no I haven’t stopped the SI and probably won’t anytime soon. But I am keeping my appointment tomorrow.

Echoes, my plan is to first check in with T to make sure she’s doing okay and coping well, and if she can reassure me that she can handle me right now, then I am going to tell her about the SI. And maybe I’ll read her some of what I wrote here as well. If she can take it, I have to tell her what is going on. Because I am just not functioning right now. I am getting through work but that’s about it. I can’t cook, I can’t eat much, I can barely take care of myself at all, I go to work feeling like a zombie (only with constant nausea due to anxiety) and I come home from work and cry for the rest of the night. She is the ONLY one who can help me. Even though it feels wrong to turn to her right now, there is nowhere else to go. And I have only two months to stabilize myself.

WePow, thanks for sitting with me right now

Tree you are so right that her turning me down sent me into a spiral because it felt like a punishment for having needs. My needs are SO BIG right now and it was SO hard to send that email and then her voice came across to me as so harsh and invalidating. I felt so guilty and just.. bad. For needing her. Looking at it right now, I guess her email isn’t nearly as harsh as it sounded when I first got it.

I can’t afford two T’s right now. I am so broke. I think I am just going to have to hope that this T is okay. I am going to have to trust her if she tells me she is okay. Maybe turning to her to get
through now is okay. Maybe I just have to trust that she is a professional and she expects some people to have a hard time with her leaving and I am just one of those people.

Perna your post is so wise but I can’t think like that right now, I am just hurting way too much to even begin to process constructive things I could do. I will come back to your post when I am feeling more hopeful.

BlackCanary, thanks for all the self-care stuff FYI the timeline isn’t one I created – it’s one that already exists. I’ll be applying to grad school this fall, and I will start school in August of 2011. Once I am in grad school, I will make a LOT less money than I do now, and I already struggle. There is no way I can afford therapy when I am a grad student. So the timeline is not one of my choosing. In my mind, I will have a therapist on and off for the rest of my life, when I can afford it. But the next time I will be able to afford it will be after I get my PhD, at least 6 years from now.

Zoo, thanks for saying I’m articulate I think the only thing that kept me from sui when I was a teen was being able to explain my feelings. It’s helped me survive.

Koalabb, I’m sorry you’re going through this too

Ocean, it’s true, I know my T cares. I just.. can’t stand this at all. Yes I try to write when I feel terrible. I come to PC Thanks for saying my post was beautiful – you have no idea, that made me feel good, which is quite a feat right now. I’m trying to see things clearly but everything is a haze. I’m still in self destruct mode, I don’t know, I don’t even really want out. The only thing I can do right now is just plan to go in there tomorrow and tell her the truth.

MUE, thanks so much. Luckily I have a friend who has been there for me lately. We’ve been leaning on each other in the past month or two, and right now, I am leaning on her a lot. One day when she is struggling I will return her this gift she has been giving me, of being the only one IRL who knows about the SI, of talking to me late at night while I am just sobbing and not coping. I don’t think it’s bad enough for the ER.. I hope it doesn’t get there.

Thanks (((zoo))).. I’m glad I’ve been sleeping better. Whew.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I hope I don’t throw up before the session. I am already SO anxious about it. My stomach hurts.

Jexa-
I'm glad you have decided to go to your session tomorrow and I hope you tell your T about your SI and how hard of a time you are having. I think she will be able to handle it from everything you have said about her in the past.

Wishing you luck. Wishing you a session that reassures you so you can feel better.

let us know how it goes tomorrow, Jexa. Thinking about you.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that your session goes the way you want it to.

I am SO SCARED

(((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))

T is still T. She will help you through this. Take a deep breath and give yourself the gift of going and being honest and expressing whatever you need to express.

You can do this. Come back and tell us how it goes - I'll be thinking about you

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( jexa )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

keeping you in my prayers today.

Jexa-
I hope you were able to go see your T today and able to talk to her about how disappointed and angry and in pain that you are in. I hope you felt comfortable telling her everything and getting the support you need.

Thanks all. It went okay. I told T. She didn't freak out. I'll write in more detail tomorrow.

So, I did it. I went into therapy yesterday, sat down, and looked at her. She asked me how I was, and I said not good. I asked her if she was okay and coping well, and she said yes. I asked her, if something unexpected happened, would she be okay, and she said that she takes care of herself very well and is sure she can do her job, or she wouldn't be doing it right now, that it's a very important ethical consideration for her. And then she asked, "J, are you safe?" I said, "What's safe?" She said, "Not self harming, not putting yourself in situations where you could get hurt." And I said, "Well, no." And she said, "Tell me more about that." And I handed her my journal, opened to an entry that just laid it all out there. The pain, the confusion, the self-harm, the anger, the sui ideation, everything. She read it. I did not look at her. I heard her finish it, because she took a deep breath.

She asked a lot of good questions. She did not overreact or even act uncomfortable about the subject, although she did admit she didn't understand it personally. I'm glad she admitted that. I'm glad I can trust her to be honest with me.

She didn't understand what I meant when I said that I had "built a structure in her." It was hard to explain, especially to her. I told her that for me, she had become a foundation, and that I would have eventually taken back the structure and put it inside of me, but there wasn't time. I think she still doesn't understand. I can emotionally understand it, but I can't put it into words. I told her more about how we had "just started getting below the tip of the iceberg," and being cut off where I am right now is just too much to take.

She got very worried about the sui ideation, and while she was asking me more about it, she started to cry, because she was saying, "I can't explain what it would do if you were to..." I told her, "I'm not going to stop cutting myself, but I promise I won't kill myself. I really won't. Is that enough?" And she said, "Do you want the honest answer?"

Later in the conversation, she was trying to understand why I had turned to SI when I had learned so many other healthy coping mechanisms. I'm not sure I understand this completely myself, but the last thing I said before session was over was, "Why would a person not want to cope well?" And she said, "That's a really good question to ask yourself this week." And she recommended that I come here and ask you guys. I'll start another thread for that in a little bit.

After session, I was sitting in my car with my head on the steering wheel outside of her office. And she was leaving, and she came up to me and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine. She said she needed to go. She asked if she should be worried about me. I just wanted to be alone. I said, "I'm fine, go!" So she left. So there we are.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house, and that was good. I am feeling much calmer inside and have been really enjoying music today. I haven't been able to relax and enjoy music in years. I think it's the SI, and knowing T cares about me, that is making me so calm. I don't know how I'll keep this feeling if I stop the SI, but oh well. I'm glad T didn't freak out or set ultimatums. I'm glad I feel like I can rest.

Thank you all for being here with me right now.

(((((Jexa)))))
first of all, I'm so glad you are feeling some peace right now. Try not to worry about why you are feeling calmer or how long it will last or if/when it will go away. Just try to breathe in the moment.

Your T obviously cares about you a lot. If anything can help ease this transition for you, it is that. I'm so glad you were able to go in there and be honest with her. The idea of handing T my journal kind of makes me go , you are so brave Jexa.

I think I understand what you mean about having built a structure in T. I feel like I depend on my T a lot, maybe too much ( ) and I do hope to someday be able to feel that strong foundation in myself and not in anyone else. But, I'm not there yet, and I can imagine how painful it would be for me to lose my T right now. I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts so much. You will be okay, Jexa.

Oh my God. All the sudden I am seeing this through T's eyes and my heart is breaking for how much pain I am putting her in. Oh my God. Imagine your job was something you cared a lot about. And there was a project you'd put a lot of work into, and that project was a person you connected to really well. Imagine that, with your help, this person had made huge strides. And it made you feel really good to have been a part of that. And then this person was still doing pretty well when you went away for a while to take care of some family business. While you are gone, you realize you have to move. And you think of the people that you are helping, and you think about the ones who seem like they're doing well, and it makes you feel okay to think you've worked really hard and helped people come really far.

And then you come back, and this one girl that you've been helping for more than a year, who's made a lot of progress (and who made you feel really good for helping her so much), completely falls apart when you tell her you're leaving. Worse than square one. You thought she was doing well, but now you have to fear for her safety.

All that work you did, all that progress you made, is gone.

I can't believe I did this to my T.
I can't believe I am making her feel this way.

This is really ripping me up.

Jexa, a couple things off the top of my head: you can't be sure what your T is feeling. You know what she said to you, but no more than that. And, you aren't responsible for her feelings, whatever they are. You need to take care of you. T is there to help take care of you. She has other people who help take care of her.

(((((((Jexa))))))

I'm glad that you could be so open with your T. It sounds like a very intense but important session. About your reactions now: I agree with Zoo. You don't know how your T is feeling about you except that she's concerned. It's true that you aren't responsible for her feelings. She knows how to handle them, and if she doesn't, it's up to her to get help for herself. You didn't cause her to feel a certain way. Her honest reaction of crying because of her concern shows her compassion for you.

From reading your posts, I don't get the idea that you're back at square one at all. You're not forgetting everything you learned in therapy. It's understandable under the circumstances that you would go back to a behavior that comforted you in the past. I think you're the one in so much pain, not your T. You said her caring made you calmer. Maybe if you just concentrate on how much she cares, you will be able to stop the SI. I'm glad you could enjoy music again and could rest.