T is moving

I have been listening to such melancholy music and I feel like anxiety has lifted, and depression has set in, but the kind of depression that I welcome, the kind that is such a safe little place to go, the kind that lets me catch a breath and say "f*** it" to the world. Listening to Antony and the Johnsons, wonderful and haunting.

Thanks zoo and rainbow. You know, that image of T is still in my mind but as the day has progressed I've realized that all this pain always inevitable. Her pain, my pain, the heartbreak of leaving, the descent into chaos. Here the pattern plays again, as I've watched my life unfold, all thing move in circles within circles. This is just another turn of the same wheel. So, I relinquish the control I've told myself I have over this situation. It's time to stop trying so hard. I'm not going to try to do anything at all anymore.

Fwiw, that happened to remind me of a Zen story.

When I read your post about the session and then this one, it shows how each T and client have their own method.

When my T told me he was leaving, he was matter of fact, not apologetic about leaving, was not emotional about how it was upsetting me.
I felt ANGRY - how could he leave, how could he do this to me? I was sad and furious.

You are so sad that she has to leave, and that you will miss her. Your T cries because YOU are so sad that she is leaving.
Now you feel bad for making her sad because you are sad.
There is SO MUCH caring going on here with you two - I hope that next session you get to talk about it.