[rainbow8]

Today was my first session in 2 weeks, and other than an email, my first chance to discuss my feelings about the previous session. T says it is healing for me to hold her hand, not silly or stupid. I said I wanted to do it again but I didn't know why. After talking about how weird I think I am for wanting this, and dealing with that part, she sat next to me and I kept my eyes open this time. She says she wouldn't let me come to therapy just to hold her hand, but it's important for my healing and we have to talk about how to get more of that in RL. Maybe it's going to work because I came home and took my H's hand, which is unusual. We're out of practice.

It was harder for me to do it with my eyes open, adult to adult but I am proud of myself that I did. I don't understand why it's so important to me, though. I wasn't so panicky with her sitting next to me, either. I felt sad at the end, though. I said I felt safe and I didn't want to go out into the world.

This is so confusing for me. It's so important and so scary for me. It truly is uncharted territory. Has anyone done touching like this in their therapy? It's about both child and adult needs, we decided.

Does this topic need a trigger?

[WePow]

(((( Rainbow)))) I would be TERRIFIED of holding my T's hand!!!! But he gives me a hug at the end and that is one of the most wonderful events of my week. It helps me to not spiral out after session for some odd reason.

Maybe the sadness comes because this really is something you want to share IRL with others but there is a deeper fear that you have not yet resolved?

[rainbow8]

WePow, this is really interesting to me because hugging T is what terrifies ME. I told her that. Holding hands is just one part, and less intimate than a hug. I never liked hugging among my friends; it made me self-conscious. I never held hands with friends either, except boy-friends, and I used to like that. So I think it's more of a childish need. I felt safe and loved. Hugging her would feel icky. My former T hugged me at our final session, and that was nice, though.

Maybe I'd like to able to hug women friends more. I have one friend who hugs me spontaneously and that feels good.

I don't know. It just feels good to hold Ts hand. She let go, and I did it again. Then again because I didn't like letting go. Am I weird?

[WePow]

You are not weird at all. Not one single bit. There is a NEED there... something on the inside that is a real NEED and not just a want. I have a NEED for my T to give me that hug right now. I will not need it forever. But right now I do need it. You have a NEED that you are working on understanding.

Right now accept with joy the way the hand holding allows you to feel. Absorb it like a sponge!!! Do not punish yourself for this. Just let it happen and trust that your T would not do this unless it was to heal you. T knows more about what you need inside than you do right now. And T will be able to help you figure out what this is all about and how to get what you need "IRL" ... but first you need to experience what "this" is all about in a safe way with a safe person.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WePow

Just let it happen and trust that your T would not do this unless it was to heal you.

Great words to follow.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't understand why it's so important to me, though.

Maybe it's OK not to understand right now. Rainbow, you got a lot of positive from holding hands, both last session and this one. Your T sounds like she is doing a good job of holding the boundaries so you can be safe with this. What I hope for you is that today you can enjoy those feelings of closeness with her from your session and even tomorrow and the next day when you recall what happened. Take a little time to bask in all that was good about the experience....

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Has anyone done touching like this in their therapy?

My T and I sometimes hug at the end of a session. We don't touch as part of the therapy process when we are sitting talking to each other, though. That would feel a little scary to me--really intimate--much more so than a parting hug. Hugging is what a lot of people do when they part. Holding hands is not as common in my everyday world.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe it's going to work because I came home and took my H's hand, which is unusual. We're out of practice.

That is wonderful. Please tell your T.

[zooropa]

I'm so happy for you, rainbow, that you've found a T who isn't afraid to explore those needs with you and help you work through them. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

I do hold hands with T. Sometimes it's for comfort, sometimes for connection. T has really good boundaries and it doesn't feel romantic to me at all...it feels fine. My little parts hold T's hand, but I do too.

Can you let yourself have the comfort without worrying so much about it? Maybe the question isn't "why do I need this" but "why does it worry me so much?"

I'm glad you're getting what you need, rainbow

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She says she wouldn't let me come to therapy just to hold her hand, but it's important for my healing and we have to talk about how to get more of that in RL. Maybe it's going to work because I came home and took my H's hand, which is unusual. We're out of practice.

I think this is really important. Perhaps it would help if you could explore the real life issue you may be having around touch.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I think it's very nice that your t held your hand again, and that she reassured you that you are not weird to want it. I think that talking about the needs, and experiencing having them met in a safe open way, will reduce your anxiety about it. Touch is an intrinsic human need. But it also brings with it a measure of intimacy. If you have a fear of intimacy, these experiences with t will help you see that it is normal, and not dangerous or wrong, to experience closeness with another person in a safe way for you. It may also help you over time to learn to differentiate what feels now like se*ual feelings from the excited feeling in your body that comes from a good emotional connection with someone.

[rainbow8]

WePow: Thank you for your comforting words. You sound like my T! Yes, I trust her completely but it's still scary. I know it's an enormous NEED. I wrote T a long email last night talking about my parts. It still seems to be the child who wants to be loved that is holding her hand. The adult wants to run away but the child feels so safe and loved with T. The child isn't afraid of those needs but the adult part is afraid she can't control the child, and also that the child will get hurt.

sunrise: You're right about not having to understand it. T keeps telling me I try to figure things out too much.

Holding hands isn't common in my everyday world either. That's why I think it's the child who wants it more than the adult. It feels really good and safe with my T. oops, I didn't mention about my H in my email to T. It was more about how I felt there in the session with her.

zoo: Thank you. I'm glad you like my sharing. My experience is so new and different for me, and totally unexpected! It's scary and there's no one in RL who would understand. They'd probably think what my adult part thinks, that it is so silly and stupid.

tree: Thanks. I'm trying not to let it worry me. I'm just scared of what that child part might say or do. "She" has a lot of needs, but I trust T to be able to handle them in a safe way for me.

Oceanwave: Yes, that's the goal, T says. It's not just to hold her hand and feel good, but it's okay to do that now and talk about how it feels. Thanks for posting to me.

peaches: Thank you! I think I'm starting to understand what you are saying. The excited feeling is about feeling connected though it may feel like the other kind.

[mixedup_emotions]

Rainbow, I am in awe over how honest and proactive you are being with your T. That's sooooo great! I know it's hard not to over-analyze things...but letting yourself go, to allow yourself to be led by your somatic experiences, is a wonderful example of trust and healthy risktaking....

[rainbow8]

MUE, I am in awe of myself too! It is so unlike me to allow this touching in therapy even though I've always fantasized about it. Maybe because I'm "old" now, and figure time is running out. I don't have much to lose.

I'm taking a big risk but T is safe. That helps too. None of my other Ts were safe like this one is. A combination of factors, I think, is why I am allowing myself to do it. I just can't get over my T. She didn't hesitate and came to sit down next to me on the couch when I asked her to.

NO T has ever sat next to me, and I wouldn't have asked. I used to bring up my "running around the room" fantasy, where T would have to stop me, and would hold me, but that was only a fantasy. I talked about wishing I could hold hands with my first T, years ago, but she said she didn't do therapy that way.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

MUE, I am in awe of myself too! It is so unlike me to allow this touching in therapy even though I've always fantasized about it. Maybe because I'm "old" now, and figure time is running out. I don't have much to lose.

I'm taking a big risk but T is safe. That helps too. None of my other Ts were safe like this one is. A combination of factors, I think, is why I am allowing myself to do it. I just can't get over my T. She didn't hesitate and came to sit down next to me on the couch when I asked her to.

NO T has ever sat next to me, and I wouldn't have asked. I used to bring up my "running around the room" fantasy, where T would have to stop me, and would hold me, but that was only a fantasy. I talked about wishing I could hold hands with my first T, years ago, but she said she didn't do therapy that way.

I can't imagine ever asking my T to hold my hand...Mostly because I know he just doesn't condone touch in therapy. With my ex's T, no problem. He hugs me every time he sees me - except when my T is around....My ex's T even said he couldn't give me a hug in front of my T because of how my T is so against it (and my T owns the place).

A guy in my group was talking to me about his last individual session with T, and at the end of the session, T patted him on the back on his way out the door....and this guy was like WOW...It really affected him in such a good way. I couldn't help but feel envious.

[rainbow8]

MUE, if I were seeing a male T, I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to ask him to hold my hand. There definitely would be romantic/erotic feelings for me that I know would be totally embarrassing. It's because it's more like child/Mommy feelings that I can do it.

I don't know why Ts are so against touching. My T says it's healing for me. She also hugs clients. But my other Ts didn't. I'm glad you get hugs from ex h's T. It shouldn't be any of your T's business, should it? Did you used to see him too?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

MUE, if I were seeing a male T, I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to ask him to hold my hand. There definitely would be romantic/erotic feelings for me that I know would be totally embarrassing. It's because it's more like child/Mommy feelings that I can do it.

I don't know why Ts are so against touching. My T says it's healing for me. She also hugs clients. But my other Ts didn't. I'm glad you get hugs from ex h's T. It shouldn't be any of your T's business, should it? Did you used to see him too?

I hear ya about seeing a male T. I remember when I was considering seeing a T, I absolutely refused to see a female T....I didn't want anything to do with a female T...and to this day, I don't know why...never explored it....But now that I have a male T, I realize how much harder it is for me to talk about certain things - things that I might have an easier time talking to with a female T.

But then again, I also believe there's a benefit to having a male T, as it helps me learn what a healthy relationship is with a man....which I haven't had in my entire life.

As far as my ex's T is concerned, he used to co-facilitate group therapy with my T....while he was also my ex's T while we were still married and then separated....Then my ex discontinued therapy when he knew that there wasn't a chance of us getting back together.

I haven't really bothered to question my T or my ex's T about the whole hugging thing...maybe it's something to bring up at some point. I don't know. It does kinda put a human touch to things....just showing that these T's are human after all and have their own issues, secrets, etc.

[rainbow8]

How do I hold onto the safe, connected feeling I have from holding T's hand and from my last 2 sessions? When we go to another issue, I'll be wanting to feel it again. I want to keep the feeling inside forever, but it's hard to do that, even now. She answered my email saying she read it, but will answer back today. I can turn this into obsession too easily. I just want to hold onto the safe and good feelings.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

How do I hold onto the safe, connected feeling I have from holding T's hand and from my last 2 sessions? When we go to another issue, I'll be wanting to feel it again.

It's not black and white...you can move on to other issues, and still take a minute at the end of session just to connect by holding her hand. T and I do that sometimes.

I honestly think that if we can accept our needs, and let ourselves ask to have them met until we are satiated, things will quiet down inside. I needed to see T twice a week for a long long time - 2 1/2 years. T let me come twice a week, and I allowed myself to just do what I needed to do. Over time, that need quieted down, and now I'm mostly down to weekly sessions.

There are other things I still need - like the voice mails we do after session. I *know* I won't need it forever, and T has taught me to trust myself. I absolutely trust that there will come a time when I don't need the messages, and until then, I am letting it be okay.

I think it's important to be gentle with ourselves. A lifetime of needs is not going to be met in one or two sessions. Healing is a gradual process, and I'm not sure there is any way to rush it.

[rainbow8]

I honestly think that if we can accept our needs, and let ourselves ask to have them met until we are satiated, things will quiet down inside.

tree, I want that to be true but right now I feel like my needs won't ever be satiated. All I can think about is those 2 sessions and how they are what I always wanted from therapy but wasn't "allowed" to have. I've always had to settle for something else, usually leaving me frustrated and disappointed. So I don't trust that this will last.

That's how it feels, that things are NOT quiet inside. Things are all stirred up. Something IRL is starting to happen, too. I let my H read my emails to T, and I'm sharing my feelings with him. We're holding hands more. But with T, it's from the child part and means more to me right now.

I just want to keep talking about this over and over. I keep thinking about how good I felt in my sessions, and how that won't ever go away. "T sat next to me and held my hand." That sentence makes me feel things. In my email about my session 2 weeks ago I said it felt like " a soft blanket of love."

Originally Posted by rainbow8

tree, I want that to be true but right now I feel like my needs won't ever be satiated. All I can think about is those 2 sessions and how they are what I always wanted from therapy but wasn't "allowed" to have.

Do you mean that your needs are too big to be satiated, or that you are afraid that T will change how she does things and you won't get the chance to really satiate them?

I know I used to think my needs were TOO BIG. I used to lay on T's couch and tell him "my needs are TOO BIG, you can't fill them, nobody can"...and I used to send him e-mails telling him the same thing...that I was this giant black hole of NEED that could never be filled.

T just kept (and keeps) patiently, steadily meeting my needs, and things ARE more calm. way more calm. the hole inside is smaller. I'm able and willing to get needs met by other people (I NEVER EVER would have risked that before).

give yourself time. it takes time.

and if you are afraid T will take it away, can you ask her? I asked my T about a zillion times if things would change, if he was going to change his mind, if he was going to push me out of the nest before I was ready. He reassured me (a zillion times) that there are no time limits. I had to experience it to believe it, but it was nice to have the reassurance in the meantime.

[rainbow8]

tree, all my other Ts told me that no one can give me what I missed because I have BPD. I don't even know what I missed, as I've posted before. Bt said "I can't give you what you want." My first T said "it could get better, but there is no way to make up whatever you missed as an infant." Another T said "you can't have the pot at the end of the rainbow, but you can have the goodies along the way."

They all said that I have to meet those needs, have them met by other people, or go without them being met. So, this is a whole new concept that T CAN fill up that hole, at least somewhat. I think it's too big, not that T will change. I trust her that she won't change, but I do know she wants ME to learn how to comfort my own parts.

I think it's more of a "this is too good to be true; when will I wake up from the dream" feeling. I'm basically a negative person so I don't trust good things. I'm trying, though. Thinking "it's real", "it's good", "it's okay", "it's going to last".

[seventyeight]

hi rainbow, i think what you're feeling is totally normal, and your questions of "how long will this last?" are valid. as i was reading your post, i kept thinking that what you're going through right now is what we all go through at the begining of therapy.. we start going, it feels different/great, and it takes time to adjust and to realize that this is 'ours' - this is what we will experience week after week as long as we keep going.

did you ever have those "this is too good to be true" feelings when you started therapy? like perhaps you we're not used to your t just listening to you and giving you her undivided attention, so it probably took some time to get used to. but going every week helped to reinforce that she was there, and that this was the type of treatment you could expect from her on a consistant basis.

i think the same process is happening now, only instead of with her attention - it's with her touch. i think it's just going to take a couple of times (perhaps more than a couple!) for you to realize and to believe that it's going to be there for you whenever you want/need it.

hugs.

[rainbow8]

seventyeight: What you wrote makes a lot of sense to me! Thanks!! Yes, I do remember, though it was many years ago, my first therapy experience, especially when I felt connected to my T. I remember after that session (this was 25 years ago!) walking around a store having NO idea what I was doing and feeling like I was in another world.

That's how I feel now about this therapy. It's hard for me to concentrate on anything else right now. In time, I will get used to it but I don't think holding Ts hand will ever become matter-of-fact for me. I just won't get myself into some kind of hyper state about it.

[WikidPissah]

I have never had that kind of relationship in T. Most of my T relationships were not good, just a lot of lecturing with me listening and too afraid to even speak. I just started with a new T last week, and on my way out of his office I got a bit confused as to which way the exit was. He put his hand on my back and ushered me the right way. It was kind of freaky. I felt the hand on my back for hours afterwards. I don't know if I liked it or didn't like it. Still pondering that.

[granite1]

rain your honesty and openness is so awsome and i am so glad things are working out

[chaotic13]

I've never done the touch thing in T. I have however had some really profound healing experience via touch during a few bodywork session. I think human touch is a basic need,..even for those of us who have trouble tolerating the intensity that goes along with touch.

I've gotten a lot more comfortable sitting and talking and handling having my T's undivided attention. However, I still have no desire to break the unspoken no touch rule in my therapy. You mentioned that hugging seems to be more intimate than holding hands. IDK, I think having someone sit next to me and hold my hand sounds a lot more intimate than weathering a hug. Although...I do remember the first time my bodyworker hugged me, I almost collapsed because the warmth and intensity of her energy was so unexpected.