Is the T Relationship Worth the Pain

Elliemay,

Thanks for sharing that. I have such a hard time trying to see my therapist as she is, instead of seeing her like she's being the way my parents are. I can't believe how ingrained it is in me. It's almost like a part of me believes way deep in my core that i'm worthless and invisible and nobody cares about me. . .so anything that even remotely looks like rejection from my t seems to be "proof" that, yes, i deserved to be treated the way my parents treated me because now here is yet another person treating me the same way. When i'm in that rejected/hurt mode, it's really hard to realize that my t's intentions weren't the same as my parents' intentions, and that her actions were based on something completely different that had nothing to do with wanting to reject me. Hopefully, though, the more this happens, the more i have chances to get it straightened out in my head because my t always talks to me about it when i feel hurt by her.

Pachy,

Yeah, that's the conflict i get caught up in. . .what were my t's intentions? And at least until we get a chance to talk about it and she explains her motivation to me for what she did, i seem to automatically assume that she's wanting to reject me or push me away. That she wants to reject me is always the assumption that pops into my head first, and the one that hurts me the worst.

Sometimes, i try to reason with myself and think of other possible explanations and motivations for what my t did. But even when i'm able to come up with some acceptable alternative explanations, there's always that tiny voice inside that says, "Yes, but MAYBE she really DID mean to push you away." It's always the explanation that feels the realest and truest. Maybe because i feel that way about myself deep down. It's very hard, if i feel that way about myself (unlovable, unimportant, nobody) and i think that my parents felt that way about me too, then it's hard to believe everybody else doesn't also see me that way.

Oh Peaches!! were you in the room with T and me yesterday when we had this exact same conversation?! You have said it all whereas I had a meltdown first, and then tried to put the experience into words for her(and failed mostly).

Saying thanks to you for stating it so clearly is painful, because I know how emotionally expensive is this knowledge that you have.

The only thing I have been able to add since yesterday, thinking about all this, is that as huge as it is when I am in it, at some later time I will look up and think of it again and I am not feeling it in the same way; why that is I cannot say, since nothing has happened since then except passage of hours or a couple of days.
At any rate the fact that the perspective can change without new developments happening is something that I can remind myself of next time, and maybe "in the moment" it will seem less dire. what do you think? SAWE

I think that this is the key Peaches. Good insight!! Keep it in mind when you get triggered again.

Hey, Purplefins,

I really wonder whether anyone can correct deformed ways of feeling and thinking without going back to, fully feeling and understanding the ancient childhood pain, the IMMENSE, terrifying and awful pain. That pain is generated when one is too young to be independent, too young to defend one's self. It's not necessary in adult life. When you recognize that, you're one step ahead. But that's an intellectual conclusion. We all must tie in the feelings and emotions with the intellectual conclusion if we want to feel better. And you can't do that without conjuring up those old, old feelings. Those terrible, horrible feelings. Take care.

without reading the whole thread... () I want to share that I went through many ruptures with my old T. He stayed emotionally distant from me (like my parents) and would not show any type of caring toward me (except by accident), I never knew what he thought of me. The repetition of the pattern, without any analysis of this as a repeat of my life experience, was exhausting. Sure, I learned to express my hurts in a functional way. He didn't mean to hurt me, of course, I knew that! But, he was not able to keep from doing it again 6-8 wk later. I finally reached a point where I said "I don't want to be back here again in 6 wk, spending a session or 2 fixing the rupture, then trying to get back to my therapy, every 6 wk feeling bad because my therapist hurt my feelings??"
I really loved him, so it was very difficult to break away. He happened to get a new job just at the time I was trying to terminate.

I have a new girlT, it is working much better. She's emotionally present. If you asked me "Does your T care about you?" I'd immediately say "Yes, I am sure she does, and she's impressed with how hard I work in therapy!"
My old T? I'd have had to say "He probably does but I'm not sure". It was so hard. Just like I'd failed to be good enough so that my parents would love me, I wasn't good enough for my T to care about me??????