[jexa]

Went to T last night, first time I saw her since June. She told me she is moving in October. I can't take this. I can't do this. I can't cope. I am falling to pieces. I need her and now she won't be there. So much we can never work on now. I will never find someone else like her. I can't do this.

[googley]

Originally Posted by jexa

Went to T last night, first time I saw her since June. She told me she is moving in October. I can't take this. I can't do this. I can't cope. I am falling to pieces. I need her and now she won't be there. So much we can never work on now. I will never find someone else like her. I can't do this.

(((((((((Jexa)))))))))

I am so sorry your T is moving. You have talked here about how much work you two have done together and how much you have worked to be able to trust her. Please know that we are here to support you. I am so sorry.

[trueFaith]

OMG! What an awful situation to be in. And October? It’s just to month! I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Hope you’ll be okay!

(((((((((jexa))))))))

(((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))

Oh my gosh That must feel so scary and disorienting and horrible. I am really REALLY sorry One of my big fears is that T will move, and I've imagined how that would feel....I'm sure what I imagined is no where NEAR what you're actually feeling.

I wish I knew just the right thing to say... but since I don't, I'll send lots of hugs.
Let us know how you're doing, ok?

[zooropa]

oh Jexa, I'm so sorry. I know how hard this separation was for you, and now to find out she is going away permanently. UGGGHHH. I'm just so sorry.

[jexa]

This is too hard. This is too much. I was struggling more and more and more without her, and now she's going to be gone permanently. When I told her I didn't know what I was going to do when she's gone, she said I can see someone else. Oh my God. Doesn't she know? Doesn't she know what she holds in her hands? I can't just give this to someone else. There's just too much trust she is holding.. and now she will fly away with all that trust, and I will have given her too much. I wish I hadn't told her a thing. I wish I never trusted. I wish I'd never known her at all. This hurts too much. This is TOO MUCH.

**trigger for SI**


Today I can't even explain what's happening, how bad it is. I can't even put it into words at all. It's that kind of doubled over wordless sobbing that just.. is too much for human expression.

And now.. I feel so soooo stupid.. I sliced up my leg with a razor blade I can't believe I did that. I thought it would make me feel better but it didn't feel like anything. No relief, nothing, except I couldn't stop. It didn't help the out of control feeling at all. It just made me feel more out of control. I just want to scream, forever.

[zooropa]

((((((((((jexa))))))))))))) This is so hard. I'm so sorry. I think, though, that you can remind yourself that you still have T now. Yes, she's leaving, and that is horrible. It's personally one of my worst nightmares. But right now, she's not gone. You still have her. She can help you get through this time.

I'm so sorry you SIed, and sorry that it didn't even help you feel better for a moment. I guess there's a lesson there, but I know what it's like to turn to negative coping at times when it seems like coping at all is a challenge. Then when those old coping skills don't work, it just feels like another abandonment.

I wish I knew what to say to help you, Jexa. I am so sorry and wish I could hug you in person.

[Lauru]

Jexa, I am so sorry. I wish only the best for you, and know that you are supported by all of us here at PC. Please know you are not alone especially during this terribly hard time. I will hold you in my thoughts

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by jexa

Today I can't even explain what's happening, how bad it is. I can't even put it into words at all. It's that kind of doubled over wordless sobbing that just.. is too much for human expression.

I'm so sorry Jexa. This is really hard; how terrible that your T is leaving. Would it help, what do you think, to try and express what you feel here? Would it be helpful at all just to stay here and talk to us about your thoughts and feelings about all this right now?

[seventyeight]

Originally Posted by jexa

This is too hard. This is too much. I was struggling more and more and more without her, and now she's going to be gone permanently. When I told her I didn't know what I was going to do when she's gone, she said I can see someone else. Oh my God. Doesn't she know? Doesn't she know what she holds in her hands? I can't just give this to someone else. There's just too much trust she is holding.. and now she will fly away with all that trust, and I will have given her too much. I wish I hadn't told her a thing. I wish I never trusted. I wish I'd never known her at all. This hurts too much. This is TOO MUCH.

**trigger for SI**


Today I can't even explain what's happening, how bad it is. I can't even put it into words at all. It's that kind of doubled over wordless sobbing that just.. is too much for human expression.

And now.. I feel so soooo stupid.. I sliced up my leg with a razor blade I can't believe I did that. I thought it would make me feel better but it didn't feel like anything. No relief, nothing, except I couldn't stop. It didn't help the out of control feeling at all. It just made me feel more out of control. I just want to scream, forever.

wow. for the first time on PC, i am brought to tears by reading a post. i'm not sure what to say, but my thoughts are with you. i hope you are doing ok..

[lily99]

(((((((jexa))))))))))))) i'm so sorry. please take care

[moonrise]

Oh Jexa. I'm so sorry.

I felt like that when my T left. She was the only one I had trusted my story to. My heart broke for months. I'd drive by her old office and just cry. I didn't think much of my new t, since she was so different than my old one.

The ache got better with time. I still think about her, and miss her. I still remember her last hug, and walking out of her office bawling. Now I've moved farther with my current t than I have, ever, with anyone. And my old t helped prepare me.

Is it possible to have some transition time, working with a new t and your current t at the sane time? That helped me a great deal.

[mightaswelllive]

hey jex,

i'm sorry you're having such a rough go with this. have you considered moving too (just kidding )?

you're going to get through this! you're such a smart girl and you understand the therapy really well so you know that you'll be able to create trust with a new therapist. i know it's hard and it's scary but you're totally capable of it. you've worked so hard and learned so much from this T and now you're being given the opportunity to learn from a new T. on a personal level it's hard because you're going to have to start over, but consider the professional benefit of this situation. you're going to see new therapy styles and you're going to feel first hand what this will feel like for one of your future clients. talk to her about how difficult this is going to be and what she can do to help you through it. you've got more than a month left and that's plenty of time to process termination/transitioning to a new T.

i know first hand how difficult termination/transition is. i've been through it several times. i can definitely say that this will not be an easy transition. i still struggle with my new T, but i can tell you that trust does come again and growth does come again and life continues as usual.

in the meantime, be kind to yourself. throw your blade away. you can do it. if you feel yourself starting to get worked up (or even if you start feeling a little out of wack) check in with your body to figure out what will safely make you feel better (do you need to eat? drink water? sleep? exercise? shower? call someone?).

you will get through this pm me if you need anything

[darkrunner]

[BlackCanary]

(((((Jexa)))))
My originalT just moved to a new job, we only had 3 sessions after he told me. So, here's my few survival tips.

Talk to T about what she is going to do to help you in this transition. She ought to have a plan specific to you.

What I wished my T had done: helped me with a referral, helped me pick someone else, gently handed me over to someone new, said "It will be OK, she will take care of you now. She is smart and capable, she knows how to help you. You can trust her."
I had to pick my own new person, too random, so risky.

What I wished I had done: gone to the sessions and ranted and screamed about how horrible it was that he was leaving. I was all composed and grown up about it, held in the feelings. So, the feelings stayed buried a few weeks. Then they bubbled over, and I harmed myself. I'm so sorry for you that you turned to that already, ouch.

It has been about 6 wk now since I saw originalT. The pain is lightening, better some days and worse some days. I learned how to "do" therapy with originalT, so new girlT and I have been meeting each week and I finally felt ready to trust her this week - so much sooner than with originalT.

I know originalT would want me to be taking care of myself, working on my healing. It helps to keep that in mind.

Sorry for your pain, it totally sucks.

[jexa]

Wow, thank you all for your kind words of support.

I am feeling a little more together today. More numb than out of control, which is I guess an improvement.

Thanks ((((Lauru))) ((((78)))) ((((lily)))) ((((darkrunner)))) for the support It means a lot to me.

zoo, it's true that I still have my T. But I don't want to tell her that I SI'd. And I don't know how I can work with her to process the termination when SHE is the one who is terminating. She is going through such a hard time right now, and I know that even though therapists try to keep their cool in the room, it's very stressful for a therapist to hear that a client SI'd for the first time in five years. I just will feel so disgusted with myself if she is burdened any more than she already is with the family stuff that is forcing her to have to move away.

Ocean, you know, I don't even know how I feel anymore. Shocked, numb, like something broke in my head. I'm not sobbing anymore. I just feel blank. How I felt yesterday? Like I was breaking. Like my whole self was caving in. Trapped and terrified by my own lack of control. Other than that, I don't know anymore.

moonrise, I don't know how exactly the transition time will work. I don't even know if I want a new T, or if I can even find someone I can work with. We haven't discussed particulars, but I'm kind of broke so that is another problem... my current T charges me very little since I don't have insurance. I don't know if another T can do that for me.

Thanks MAWL, so much. I've read your post over and over again and it really helps I'm not ready to throw away the blade. I kind of need it right now.. at least to know it exists. I know, I know, but.. not yet. I am trying to do healthy coping things. Tonight a friend is sleeping over at my house because I reached out to her. She has been a really good friend to me and is one of the kindest, most understanding people I know. I cried to her a lot yesterday about everything. So, it's good I have a friend who will stick with me when I'm freaking out. At least there's that.

BlackCanary, I don't want to make my T feel guilty. I know she is moving because either her dad died while she was in Ohio, or her mom can't cope with her dad's Alzheimer's, so she's moving there to help. Either way, her life is very stressful right now. She has to uproot herself and her family in the next two months. She has a teenager and a toddler. Her husband has to leave his job as a professor in the middle of the semester. So things aren't so easy. I just can't rant and scream at her. I don't know. I guess I have two months to figure out exactly what I need to do. That is better than three weeks. Wow, I don't know how I could have coped with that. I hope she can help me find a good T. I really hope so.

Blah. I emailed T to ask her if I can see her again before Friday. Now I wish I hadn't.

Originally Posted by jexa

Blah. I emailed T to ask her if I can see her again before Friday. Now I wish I hadn't.

dearest ((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))

I hope you can accept your need to see T more during this time. If she has the time available and you are paying for the session, then you are certainly not asking for too much, no matter what she has going on in her life.

I know it's hard to not feel like we need to take care of T, especially when we like them and feel so close to them. Maybe that will be a starting point in working through this...talking to T about your worries about the upheaval in her life right now, and your concern about making things harder for her.

You will get through this. I am so so so sorry it is happening, though. My heart aches for you

[mobius]

Ouch, jexa, this sounds so very painful. I'm glad to hear you're feeling less out of control today. Take good care.

[zooropa]

But I don't want to tell her that I SI'd. And I don't know how I can work with her to process the termination when SHE is the one who is terminating. She is going through such a hard time right now, and I know that even though therapists try to keep their cool in the room, it's very stressful for a therapist to hear that a client SI'd for the first time in five years. I just will feel so disgusted with myself if she is burdened any more than she already is with the family stuff that is forcing her to have to move away

.

Jexa, again, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's just not fair, but it happens, and i'm sorry it's happening to you.

On the one hand I want to tell you to not worry about taking care of T, that she is still your T and you can tell her anything without worrying about the impact it will have on her. At the same time, you're right that your T is ultimately just a person going through a rough time in her personal life, and you don't want to ignore that. Wow, it's such a catch-22.

I wish I could help. I definitely understand the need to keep the blade, just to know it's there. And I'm SO GLAD you have wonderful supportive friends IRL as well as here. You can get through this, Jexa.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( JEXA ))))

So, SO hard....I am so sorry that you're going through this. My heart aches for you. I hope you are able to use your skills to be as honest as you can throughout the next couple months, to get to a place of closure and peace....even though it is going to be so painful as well.

It's a clients worst nightmare....And I know there's nothing I can do or say to make it easier or better for you....But I do truly believe that whatever happens, it will make you a stronger T in the long run.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by jexa

I don't want to make my T feel guilty. I know she is moving because either her dad died while she was in Ohio, or her mom can't cope with her dad's Alzheimer's, so she's moving there to help. Either way, her life is very stressful right now. ....

OK, maybe don't rant and rave that's what I wanted to do! just projecting.

But, what I really mean to say is don't hold in your feelings - sad or mad or frustrated or abandoned.
I think it is OK to ask why she is moving. It may help you to know. But also know that she's likely known this was coming, it's not a huge surprise? And also figure that she's doing this because she feels like it is the right thing for her to do, even if it is hard. You can tell her how much you respect and honor the choice she is making - it's why you don't want to express lots of pain and sadness even though you feel it?
You can say "I feel sad but I don't want to make you feel guilty!" and I'll bet that she is sad too, but also knows that she's making the right choice so she isn't going to feel guilty. She's going to make it the best possible transition for you, from her to a new T.

[rainbow8]

Jexa, I am so very sorry for what you're going through. This is just an idea, and probably unrealistic, but is your T still going to be a T when she moves? Will she possibly do phone sessions with you? One of my former Ts said she would with me, but I never chose to do it. If you can't have phone sessions, will she let you stay in contact with her via email? If she knows how devastated you are about her move, maybe she will let you have some contact, at least for a while. I know how hard this must be for you. I also think you've got to tell her how you feel. It's her job, and despite her family problems, it's still her job to care about you and not leave you in a bad emotional state.

[deliquesce]

((((((((((((((((((((((((jex))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[jexa]

I want to reply to every one of you but I am such a snotty snivelling mess right now, I can't even think straight.

I just don't know if I can even work with this T anymore or even tell her at all what's going on. I'm just such a f**king mess right now, all I am is a selfish pile of need, and I can't stand being around people when I'm like this.

She replied to my email asking if I could see her before Friday with just this:

J, unfortunately, I don't have any openings before this Friday.
Best,
H.

**trigger for SI/sui ideation**

Ugh! Isn't she concerned about my wellbeing at ALL? Doesn't she know that me asking for a session early means I am in extreme distress? Can't she say SOMETHING soothing? And I've been cutting a lot more since Saturday. Yep, I'm just picking that blade back up apparently. Because F**K it. Because what good does it do to try so F**KING hard all the time? I'm done trying to change the way I act and the way I deal with things. I needed to get better before grad school, and now there's not enough time. Starting over with someone new messes up the timeline completely. And I just want to SCREAM at T, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU WERE MY ONLY HOPE." I needed her, I need her, I hate that the reason I need her right now is because of her. It feels sick and wrong to turn to her for help when she is the reason I hurt so much.

It's like turning to an abuser for comfort. That's exactly how it feels.

I HATE her, I need her, I love her, I feel so sad for her, I can't process all this. I'm not going to get better before grad school, I won't be able to afford therapy in grad school, and I don't trust myself to be a therapist while these things are still troubling me so much. So, to me, losing T is losing a lot more than a person I grew attached to. It's losing hope in my future. It's losing the structure I built in her (the one that so closely resembles a mirror, but not). I was processing my whole life through that structure. There was a story, there was a foundation for change. Now, the structure breaks. I break. And I am, I'm still breaking. I just don't see a chance for repair. And the way things are headed, I'm not sure I want to live this life at all.

I look at my stupid leg with all the evidence of how out of control I am and it just feels so f**king hopeless.

rainbow I don't think this T gives enough of a sh** about me to inconvenience herself by giving me phone sessions in between. I doubt she even cares how much I hurt right now.

[ECHOES]

((jexa)) I just wanted to send a bunch of to you.
I'm so sorry your T has to move and that it is so sudden, and having just returned from being away.

I'm sorry for the shock and the sudden grieving you are having to go through right now and T not being able to see you when you need her so much right now.

You might find someone like her. Or you might find someone not like her but just as awesome and good to work with. Maybe now would be a really good time to talk to one or two T's, while you are going through the grief and all the anger and sadness and disillusionment and anger and hurt and anger... It would be so good to have someone to talk to about what you are going through right now and help you.

I think your T cares but I can see where it wouldn't feel like it. I'm glad that you are sensitive to what she must be going through right now, some level of grief or adjustment, and a huge move as well.

You aren't a "selfish pile of need", you are hurting and angry and sad, very understandably grieving. I know Friday seems like so far away right now, but it will come. I hope you will keep your appointment, to give yourself the opportunity for relief and comfort and the opportunity to talk about all of your feelings around this. She is there for you now. Let her help you think about what to do next.