how rigid is too rigid?

gelfling · Aug 20, 2010, 03:56 PM

first of all -sorry so lengthy

so appt with jeremy - went ok, i threw out a lot of things that i hadnt told him before. I also expressed my feelings about this intensive day program experience and how i felt with both therapists leaving me in limbo after it.

he told me that he had no intention of not working with me and that he has been saying that to me each time we have met - but that i get defensive when i am feeling abandoned. He was hesitant to breach some topics for fear that i would misunderstand so i told him to just put it out there and i could answer him back with "what i'm hearing you say is ______" which made him laugh and say someone had been working on their active listening skills.

He expressed concern that he would not be available enough for me - and that if i had a problem that i would be out there on my own and he didnt feel that was acceptable. And that perhaps i would be better off with someone with less rigid boundaries and more availability to take phone calls and deal with things as they came up.

But then later told me that he would not work with me with out an emergency contact - but no one i know is able to be an available contact for me - told him i cant give him something i dont have - but he refused to see me anymore with out it - i gave in and gave him my boyfriends number - but he doesnt answer when i call - why would jeremy have any better luck? and i told jeremy that. I also told him that he would not be hearing from me between sessions so how would he even know if i was in trouble. He brought up that i did call him. I had called for clarification once - my question was if i am in trouble do you want me to call you also or only call the emergency numbers that he provided to me - and that was when he sent me to the day program and "invited me into therapy" (with someone else)

I was feeling ok in the session until the end when he became very rigid - he told me he was not being punitive - but that is how it felt and i told him it was not fair for him to treat me like that. he also brought up my tendency to become suicidal and reacted very negatively to it - told me it was hard to genuinely care about some one when they are suicidal.

he wants me in group therapy preferably with DBT therapist in addition to working with him - but he has no groups in mind - did mention that eventually he wants one at his practice but does not have enough people in need of one for it to work. And this is another condition of my therapy with him - so i asked him where does that put us - he said we could continue to work for a few weeks while we looked for a group - but with out it, he will not work with me.

I dont know what to do. On the one hand i have the best connection with him and Joel that i have had with any of my therapists - but there are so many rules/boundaries/conditions that my head is spinning - i spent 5 hours on the internet trying to find a group - but they are all so far away and sooooo expensive. I am a bit crushed right now.

i seem to keep hitting brick walls - stumbling blocks - is it always this hard?

Perna · Aug 20, 2010, 05:56 PM

"What I'm hearing you say, Jeremy, is that you want me in group therapy, preferably with DBT therapist, in addition to working with you."

That's all you have to think about/work on right this minute.

Write out your searches and what you find, where it is (and even print out a large map of your area with where these too-far places are and plot them :-) and take it to the next session and ask Jeremy, respectfully, what he's done to find such a group for you as he wants

Presumably whatever you are doing in your life now on your own doesn't necessarily work well for you? You have tried being "on your own" and get in "trouble"? Jeremy is for therapy, during an appointment time. He wants you to get "extra" help via a group and DBT tools. With those things in place I think he's hopeful that you will have fewer "troubles" during the time between therapy appointments.

(JD) · Aug 20, 2010, 06:10 PM

Quote:

told me it was hard to genuinely care about some one when they are suicidal.

Well, he's right. When the T has to worry about your safety and constantly trying to figure out which decisions he/she has to make on your behalf, while all this is because T cares, it removes the focus from therapy to mere safety.

It does sound demanding, doesn't it? At least you have a few weeks, and maybe in that time you or he will find something of the additional he wants for you. IDK your state of mind, so I (and you) have to rely upon the T to make those decisions. Remember, he's also being honest with you that for his own--and other patient's--self care, he can't be available as much as you may currently need.

WePow · Aug 20, 2010, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gelfling

it was hard to genuinely care about some one when they are suicidal.

WOW !!!!

Well, if that is the case, my T hates me!!!! The things some T's say!!
No more telling T about THAT reality I walk in!! I am so sorry you are facing all you are facing and in this way.

gelfling · Aug 20, 2010, 08:37 PM

thanks - your feedback is always so great - sometimes it is hard to get perspective with this silly depression -

i will talk with t and see if i can understand where he is going and why he is doing it - may help -- if no answer to these questions, may need to get new t

sunrise · Aug 23, 2010, 10:38 AM

I'm glad you will be able to continue to work with Jeremy. Yay!

Quote:

Originally Posted by gelfling

He expressed concern that he would not be available enough for me - and that if i had a problem that i would be out there on my own and he didnt feel that was acceptable.

Despite his comment about it being hard to care for someone who is suicidal, it sounds here like he does care for you a great deal.

Quote:

But then later told me that he would not work with me with out an emergency contact - but no one i know is able to be an available contact for me - told him i cant give him something i dont have - but he refused to see me anymore with out it - i gave in and gave him my boyfriends number - but he doesnt answer when i call - why would jeremy have any better luck?

Because you will tell your boyfriend that you have given his name to your T as an emergency contact and that he should make sure and answer his phone if your T calls.

Quote:

he wants me in group therapy preferably with DBT therapist in addition to working with him

It sounds like he is being very clear about the conditions under which he can continue to work with you. I believe he is doing this because he cares and he knows he cannot be there 24/7 for a suicidal client. I have read here in this forum that DBT therapists let their clients call them outside of office hours, so perhaps this would provide a higher level of support that will be really helpful for you.

Quote:

he said we could continue to work for a few weeks while we looked for a group

Sounds like a good plan. He could call his therapist colleagues and ask around to see if they know of any groups. If this doesn't occur to him, you can suggest it. Also, perhaps Joel knows of a DBT group. It seems important to make this a key issue to discuss next time. You could each review your progress on finding a DBT group and brainstorm on other ways to find a group.