feeling punished

i'm just really crabby today and angry at T.i'm thinking of going in and telling her it is time for me to take a break and just not going back.i know i wont but i feel like it.i want to be able to write her letters and emails like others here.i dont think it is right i cant just because i wont talk i feel like she is punishing me for something i have a hard time with .i cant help but wonder if she lets others email her because in the beginning she gave me a card with her e-mail address on it.i have only e-mailed her twice in almost a year and only wrote her two letters it isnt like i am abusing it at all.she says its because she doesnt want me to replace it with being able to talk with her.DAMN it I'M TRYING and it doesnt seem like she sees this at all.IDK maybe it bothers me more because she says no. I DONT ABUSE IT AT ALL .

(((granite))) I get your frustration...it doesn't seem fair. I went for years with T's and not being able to talk, and it's bullcrap. I am sure it isn't just you, she probably doesn't like anyone to email or write. Maybe it's time to find a new T? One that will accept the ways you communicate now and build on them...until you get to that place you can talk? I don't know....just throwing things out. I won't call or write my newT at all yet. But reading about other peoples relationships with their T's gives me hope. You deserve that kind of relationship Granite...you DO.

Granite, I've been feeling cranky lately too. It sucks! For me, I know that it is better to wait until I feel better before making decisions because when the crabbiness passes, as it always does, then I might find I didn't really want to make the decision that I did. So I wonder if it would help you to wait out your crabbiness and then think again about whether you want to quit therapy? Maybe you will feel the same way when you are not feeling crabby and then you can quit, knowing you made the best choice for yourself rather than because of your mood at the time. And if you don't want to quit after all, then you can go to therapy and try to talk about some of what you've written here. I hope you won't get into a battle with your T over this, with your refusing to speak because your T will not allow emails. (You haven't said anything to make me think you would react like that, but that thought just occurred to me because it is something my daughter, who is in therapy, might do.)

Good luck, granite. Hope the crabby mood passes soon.

P.S. for what it's worth, my T doesn't allow emailing of substantive thoughts either, just scheduling changes. We do all of our therapy face to face. I think this is a common policy among Ts, so know that you are not the only one with a T who has this policy.

i dont talk much in T at all but i wouldnt use emails as a way to avoid talking like she says i might.i think i'm just frustrated and anoyed.as much as she has tried to explaine it to me i just dont get it isnt an e-mail better than nothing.or a letter?maybe if i talked more she would let me write letters.something i really am trying to do

I hear your frustration, granite, I didn't talk for a year or two but that was before computers :-) Before that period, I kept wanting my T to read stuff that was about what I was thinking/feeling and she wouldn't, insisted I talk.

When you are with a person, that's the only time/way you can really be with them; you can't do therapy by email because not all of you is present. Yes, one can email to counselors and get replies that are helpful online (done that) but that's not therapy. If talking to others was not important or necessary, you could just get better posting here with us :-) but I think you see that that isn't quite the same as what you are working to do with your T?

No two people and their therapy is the same; what my T did with other clients of hers is not like what she may have done with me and I'm glad that I'm "special" in that way, that she paid attention to me and what she thought would be helpful working with me and didn't just do things just because she did them with other people.

I don't know why you think that you would talk more if you were allowed to email (saying in email what you "can't" say in person is "avoiding"). I bet you a large amount of money that if you learn to talk, later you might be allowed to email if you still want that.

You aren't doing "nothing" that you can compare it to e-mail; you are working very hard at personal communication and I'm sure your T is very aware of your hard work. But think of how a steam engine works? E-mailing would release some of the steam pressure you need to do that work and that would be hurtful to your effort.

I sort of disagree here...what happens if you were allowed to email/write her letters, do you think over time you might be comfortable talking to her more? Writing is really just another form of expression, right? It seems like if you want that, why wouldn't she give it a shot...once you start opening up to her one way, I think it might be easier in others.

I found writing to be extremely useful for me earlier in therapy....because I was able to get past the anxiety that I felt during face-to-face and sit with my feelings long enough to be able to express them somehow....and it gave my T the information that I needed him to have....that otherwise would've gone unsaid for a long time, which would have been detrimental to my progress.

Even now, when I'm feeling like we're not connecting - or if I have a hard time expressing something - I will send him an email, so that he can have an understanding of what I'm feeling, etc. which is used as a discussion point in my next session.

Writing has its benefits and detriments....

Granite, I do feel it's important that you somehow share your feelings with T....although I understand your T's desire to get you to communicate vocally, if this is causing you such great angst, perhaps your T would be willing to compromise somehow - or help you in some other way.

Granite, this sounds frustrating. But she doesn't do this because she thinks you are abusing email. You are clearly not. She just has to do this, as part of the therapy to help you long term to express yourself orally too, not only in writing.

I hope you don't leave therapy out of frustration. Sending some nice hugs your way.

It's so friggin hard being a "non-talker"....frustrating. You and I have talked about this before...I know the feeling. I spent years of weekly rides home knowing I just wasted 50 min and a co-pay because nothing got said. It's not like your trying not to talk, you just freak out and go blank. Don't blame yourself Granite, it's a part of the problem. There has to be a way of communicating when you're like this. I know you don't want email counseling, you just want to express yourself so that the sessions are more useful. You want her to know what's really going on, but you just can't say it when your there. I get it, I really do. Hopefully you can work thru this, hopefully I can too.

OMG thanks for everyones careing responcesi think yesterday i was having a lot of stuff going through my head and it just frustrated the heck out of me knowing i will never talk to T about it.at least not at this point.i know i wont quit therapy over this but it is frustrating.i have never had a T that hasnt allowed me to write or call or e-mail.i have always had that option.at least writing letters.i felt like atleast my T knew about what was going on in my head without me having to talk.i understand what she is trying to do.i think pernas analogy of a steem engine is ggreat and explains it some to me but it really is frustrating me so much i have so much going on and i get to T and i say nothing.iim just so darn scared and nothing comes out of my mouth.i like the relaxation and art we do. maybe that will help.she said if i am not going to talk or do art she wants me to move my body so we exersize or do relaxation.anyway sorry about yesterday i was just being a bit dramatic and frustrated i feel better today.

this is exactally how i was feeling yesterday.i want her to know what is going on so bad but just cant seem to find a way to do this at all i just freeze and freak.but i am doing art and relaxation if i cant talk but i feel i totally suck at the art stuff.lol

perna thanks for your analogy of the steem engine it really makes sence.one thing i find kind of scarey and cool at the same time is my T knows a lot about me with just the littlle i have talked.she may not know much at all about my past or even my present but she sure seems to have a handle on how i think and deal with things and situations.but she hasnt done anything bad with that information either.i do a lot of sitting around wating to duck when the other shoe falls

i guess T point is if i send her an e-mail or letter we still dont discuss it because i freak out when she reads it out loud.not only do i dislike speaking words i hate hearing my words.i cant imagine how frustrating it must be for my T every sesson to deal with the same thing

You know I understand your frustration, granite. I don't think there is anything wrong with corresponding by email, but if your T doesn't think it will help you, then there's nothing you can do about it. It seems like there are 2 different goals in your therapy.

1. enabling you to talk
2. getting help for your other problems

T is concentrating on no. 1. But what about no. 2? If you and T exchanged letters, would that help with the other issues you've mentioned? Just a thought. I know therapy works best with face to face conversation, but if that's not possible, there are other ways. I'm glad you are still doing the art and relaxation. It doesn't matter if you are good or bad at art; what's important is that you are expressing yourself. When T and I do breathing exercises in the beginning of my session, I feel a lot better. You may not think you're progressing, but you ARE. Hang in there!

When not talking is a protective defense, and serves our magical thinking (that the therapist can know us without us putting words to our thoughts and experiences and feelings), then it can certainly feel like punishing. When we have a history of our words being solicited and then used against us, it feels dangerous to put our words out there.

Do you think it might be you punishing yourself? Holding back keeps you from what can help you, and from what you really want. Is it you punishing you by not allowing yourself what you want?

Keep talking with your therapist about how hard it is for you. That is your concern right now, so it is something to talk about. (My therapist always says 'anything and everything is for therapy', and 'begin where you are').
In talking about this many many times with my therapist, the trust grew because she was accepting and encouraging. Think of a stranger in a public place. You know nothing of the person, but a small exchange of words opens up the space between you and you learn something about the person.

Hang in there if you can. Taking a break is another way of avoiding the tension of wanting to talk but finding it difficult. You will get there!

do you really think this is magical thinking?i guess i never really thought of it in that way.my T seems to be able to figure out a lot about me.maybe not specific things but she seems to be able to figure out how i think sometimes.

mt T showed me a bunch of words on a magnet board a few weeks ago so i was thinking tomorrow if we do art i will come up with a list of my own words.i dont think she look at that as writing a letter.i was able to use some words last monday because she really pushed me and i was able to respond to her some but not sure about tomorrow one thing comming up is another two week Tcation do to holiday.i know i wont be able to talk much at all again.any ideas on how to avoid this.i really dont know what was differnt las week that made me be able to respond better but it was kind of neat but scary.i am hoping she isnt going to spit it all back to me tomorrow i hope she allows me to breathe some because we arnt going to have T next monday

Could you try to tell her you need these things? Then, maybe you will get them....

I read this post and everyone's responses. I guess our therapists all work in different ways with each of us. I need to not feel "punished" in thereapy I had enough of that as a kid. My therapist is is open to all kinds of communication with her during sessions and out of sessions. I have always had a difficult time articulating what I am feeling. She has allowed me to write to her between sessions as much as I want to. I see her once a week. I can bring in my artwork, my journals whatever I need to in order for me to let her know what my thoughts and feelings are. I can send her music that I am listening to and lyrics to explain what's going on also. She is absolutely OK with all of it. I feel very much understood by her. She is a firm believer in "working with the client where the client is" not where she is.

Therapy is not just about you telling how you feel, but working on why you feel the way you do in any given situation (and what were you thinking at the time that caused those feelings.) An email doesn't allow for that.

You could write the email and then print it. Put it in your journal until you can read it to her and discuss those things. Or leave it until you begin to work on those issues and then drag it back out and read it.

She allows art? You can put your feelings into a collage, perhaps? Cut words out of magazines and paste them with suitable pictures onto art paper. Maybe make a theme per sheet?

Baby steps. Pick a small (easy???) topic that you will talk about, and work through the feelings and thoughts. Once you trust her, and yourself, you will progress to the bigger issues.

(((((granite)))))

I'm just wondering. People suggest that you tell your T things, but can you do that at all? Can you talk about the weather or what you had for dinner, for example? If you can't do that, then any suggestions to tell your T how hard it is to talk, or anything about how you are feeling, are not going to work.

CAN you talk about how hard it is to talk? CAN you tell her, as sunrise suggested, that you need room to breathe and you don't want her to spit it all back to you? It would be great if you could do that. It would take off the pressure. Even giving her a note saying just that one line? Would she allow that? I'm just wondering if you can talk to her about anything at all. I'm not judging you at all, just wondering.

When I was a child and wouldn't talk, I went to therapy one time. I didn't say a word. The T said I was too old for play therapy but too young for regular therapy. But now I think artwork would have worked with me. Or playing with sand. Doing something rather than talking.

I like the idea of a collage. Putting words on the magnetic board sounds good too. Your own words. Then T can read them, but you can take them off then. I think you just have to experiment with all of these ways of communicating with your T. It's not one way or the other. A few spoken sentences, some writing, some artwork, some exercise to relax--they're all good!

rain i would never feel like you are judjing me at all the things you say really help me feel better.believe it or not no i even have a hard time talking about the weather but i think that is just habit.like she will say hi and i will just smile and not say anything.if she asks yes or no Q i just out of habit shake my head or shrug my sholders.i just dont talk .but i have been aware that i do that and atleast am trying to say the words yes,no and i dont know.sometimes my T will sak me if i can manage a yes or no etc...something other then a head shake or shrug.if i think about it i will say it.sometimes not answering the easy Q like are you tired today is just habit and keeping myself safe.
i think a lot about the letters.although it isnt bothering me as much as it did the other day.i do understand it.if i write her a letter or send an e-mail i stll wont talk to her about it.she will read it out loud to me and it is like torture for me because i hate even hearing my words(this is why i have only written two in almost a year)i'm sure if i wrote something and mailed or brought it in and accually shared in a two way communication she would allow what ever i wanted.
i'think im gonna try the words thing tomorrow and hope she doesnt ask to many questions.but who knows maybe that will change tomorrow
thanks rain for you awsome responces they really are hugely helpfull.

hi jd thanks for your kind responce i think i am going to try to put togethr myown word collage tomorrow and see how that goes it is scary for me though so i guarentee nothing i do journal all the time about the things that go on in my head durring therapy.at least what i can remember.someday i hope to be able to share that with her.

i think i will get my breathing room if i choose to do art tomorrow.

sound like you have a great fit with your T and she is awsome.and i sure get that being punished enough as a kid.i feel that way also