trauma & family

so, I found out today that my mother is coming to visit on the 17th. She's coming to visit my kids, not me. At least, that's who I found out from (the kids). The last few times she's come she hasn't wanted to see me, nor me her, so I don't expect that to be different except now everything IS different because she knows about the SA.

What if she just shows up over here? What if she calls me while she's with my kids? What if she says something TO one or more of my kids? My god, not being able to shield them from her is the worst thing ever.

Her timing is suspect. I can't help but think this is related to her finding out, but I don't know. I hate it when she comes to town. Hate it even more this time. And of course it's happening right while my T is on vacation.

So, there I go. Thought I was handling all this pretty well yesterday. Today, not so much

((((((((((( Zoo )))))))))) Can you make plans for the time when mom is going to be in town? Something extra fun for the kids? You could even lie and say you had it planned in advance but was saving it as a suprise for them? :-) Just trying to help you think here... Stay grounded. You can do this!

it's not my weekend with the kids, so I can make all the plans I want but it won't involve them.

(((((Zoo ))))) Well, can you make special plans for YOU that will take you out of mom's reach?

actually, you got me thinking so I pulled out the calendar and that IS my weekend with the kids. Now I'm just PISSED. I called the ex and confirmed that with him, then called my effing mother ( ) and left her a message saying "that weekend is my weekend with the kids, don't call me back, confirm it with ex and then change your plans"

He's a jerk for not even considering the visitation schedule when he made plans. She's a jerk for...just for even being in my life messing with my head. Why can't she ignore her grandkids the way she did with her kids?

URRRGGGGHHHHH. Nobody can push my buttons like my mother. Nobody. No matter how hard I try to keep her out of my life, I can't.

Zoo- I hear your frustration. I'd be pissed, too. Sounds as if you are doing what you need to take care of yourself. Just wanted to give you a few words of support - even though you feel strongly, you still can be OKAY.

ok, I just talked through this with my T (who isn't on vacation until Fri! Thank god!) and she helped me realize a few things.

I can't keep my mom away from my kids. I KNEW that, but it seems to be one of those lessons that I keep having to re-learn. Accepting that, not LIKING it, but accepting it as a fact, is a huge part of this.

So, accepting that, what do I gain from stopping her from seeing them on that particular weekend? Nothing. She will just see them the next week or some other time. And what do I lose? well, the kids want to see their grandma, so stopping that particular visit just because I CAN only sets me up to damage my relationship with my kids. It makes ME the bad guy in the eyes of my 4 children, my ex, and my mother.

There are 2 parts of me in conflict here: the daughter that has an understandable and justified amount of anger and hurt toward her mother. And the mother that has an obligation to not hurt her own kids. I'm trying, really hard, to find the middle place where those 2 parts me can coexist and be in harmony instead of conflict.

I think the answer lies in accepting, radically, the things that I cannot change. In focusing instead on the things that I can and want to change. It's not my JOB to make my mom pay for her failings as a mother. It IS my job to be the best zooropa I can be and to be the best mom that I can be.

this is hard and it sucks but it also feels right. Part of me really wants to just make it as difficult as possible for my mother, but that's not the part of me that I want to have in charge of my life anymore. It is part of me but it isn't ME.

Zooropa, so your mom visits your kids only when they are with your ex-husband? That whole set-up sucks (you lose the control of your mom seeing your kids.) Is there something you can work out with your XH so that your mom's visits to see the kids are only on your time (and then you have control)? I can't imagine that your XH wants his weekends with the kids to be taken up by your Mom either. I found that it really helped motivate my mother to show better behavior towards me if I used her "grandchild visiting privileges" as a carrot.

Grandparents often treat their grandkids better than they did their own children. I don't know why, but that's how it is with my mother. She has been great with my kids. At first it made me mad--like how can you be so nice to them when you were so awful to me! But it is better than if she wasn't good with them. Do you think your mother talking to your kids about your SA would happen? That seems like such a huge lapse in judgment--would your mother be so clueless as to share this with children? If you think there is a chance, can you talk to her about it?

God is great, beer is good, people are crazy.

I see it a little differently. Maybe you can get your mother to treat you better if you don't allow her to see the grandkids unless she agrees to treat you civilly. It worked wonders with my Mom. She shaped up immediately! I had thought for the first few years of my kids' lives that I would just bite the bullet and put up with my mom's continuing abusive treatment of me because I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their grandma (she was good with them and not abusive towards them at all). At some point, I decided "eff that" and laid down the law for her. She had to treat me civilly or no more visits with grandkids. Worked like a charm. Best thing I ever did. Helped my relationship with my mother immensely. Of course, it doesn't erase past wrongs, but it is my problem to work those out. At least in the present, there is no more objectionable behavior from her towards me. So, I'm going to dissent from your T, zoo--you do not have to put up with c**p from your Mom just because you have kids. Make her shape up. I really don't know how your Mom is, so perhaps this doesn't fit your situation at all. I just wanted to share that I gave up being the martyr for my kids vis a vis my mom, and it has only been for the best. My girls have a good relationship with their grandma, and my mom treats me with civility.

I'm glad that worked for you, sunny. My situation is a little different. Since my kids don't live with me full-time, my mother has used that as an opportunity to see them more often. Prior to the split-up, I was able to and had always sheltered the kids from her. Now I have no control over that except every other weekend and one weeknight/week.

She just contacts my ex, makes plans with him, and runs an excellent end game around me. I don't have contact with her, finally having figured out how toxic she is. Which is what makes this so heartbreaking for me, because I can no longer protect my kids from her.

If I take a step back, though, I can remember how close I was to my grandma, and how she and her daughter (my mom) never got along. So what you say is true, sometimes people can be good grandparents when they were $hitty parents. I don't particularly like the idea that I have provided my mother an avenue toward redemption, but that again is my bitter side talking.

Do I think it would happen? Possibly. A huge lapse in judgement is the most benign way to describe my mother's...well, her whole life, really. I don't trust her. She didn't protect me when I was a child and refused to believe me when I told her about CSA. She continued to put me and my siblings in an abusive environment and was an uninvolved, unloving, disinterested parent who spent most of her time drinking. So, can I talk to her about the SA she just learned about? No freaking way. No.

Can you share your concerns with your XH and ask him if he thinks everything goes well when your mom visits your children? It seems like no matter if he and you get along or not, he would not want to place his and your children in harm's way. So maybe you can get some reassurance from him that your mother is treating your kids OK? Or at the least, he can be alerted to watch carefully? I'm sorry about this situation--so hard. And painful too.

Your writing about how toxic your relationship is with your mother makes your sister's breaking of your confidence with your mother seem even more egregious. Does your sister know that you and your mother don't get along, are not speaking, etc.? How could she share such a very private thing about you with someone who is essentially your "enemy" (for lack of a better term)? I am very sorry you are going through all of this right now, zooropa. I am glad you have the support of your T.

OMG This really made me stop and think. My mom lives FOUR MILES down the road from me and is usually drunk so we don't have to deal with her too much...but when she sobers up, she shows up and I don't know what to do. She makes me SO ANGRY.

But my boys love her, and want to see her, and it's SUCH a conflict for me. I really want to think about what you wrote and apply it, somehow. Somehow!

Also...I haven't been online and am just getting caught up and I am SO sorry that your sister told your mom and that the story started spreading like that. One of my big fears is that somehow my story will get back to my mom. You are handling it so, so, so well.